All of You (52 page)

When Kat didn’t respond, Stella gave her a warm smile and reached for Kat’s jacket sleeve. “But enough about that. Let’s get you into the gown, so you’re ready when they come to take you for the MRI. Then I’ll go grab those pain meds and muscle relaxers.” She tossed Kat’s jacket onto the chair and pulled her tee-shirt over her head. “We’ll have to take your bra and jewelry off, too.”

Kat despised being fawned over and she now knew she hated being forcibly undressed even more, but she was mentally and physically exhausted and didn’t have the heart to put up much of a fight.

Especially when all thoughts were, once again, fully centered on Danny: guilt over not telling him what was going on, what he would think and say if he found out, and – most especially – how Kat intended on getting them both out of this mess she’d created, reasonably intact.

Because, if the test results came back the way she was certain they would, Kat’s hand would be forced.

As Stella bent down to pull off her shoes and socks, Kat thought,
No one is getting out of this intact. You will destroy him and his destruction will be yours, which will only destroy him more. You knowingly did this to him and now you have the responsibility of getting him out of it. Now…before it all gets any deeper.

Fickle Bitch Brain:
Be positive.
There’s a chance the news will be good. And then you can have more time with him.

Better Judgment:
Wishful thinking. Desperate, pathetic wishful thinking. You already know what’s coming. And, besides, what kind of person wishes for
more
time to hurt someone? Talk about sick.

Stella straightened up and leaned over to grab the plastic
Personal Items
bag. She stuffed Kat’s belongings into it, pulled the drawstring, and set it on one of the chairs.

“I’m gonna go pee really quick before they come to get you. Haven’t had a chance to pee since…”

Kat’s thoughts drifted back to Danny.

She hadn’t checked her phone since she’d made Ben text him. And she didn’t want to. Because the temptation to call him or text him would be too strong.

You could let him love you.

Let him take care of you.

Enjoy the time you have left.

Deal with the bad stuff when it actually happens.

Just this once…let go.

But then Better Judgment popped up – her solid, logical argument totally discounting the pleading of Kat’s heart:

If you allow him to love you, you will destroy his life.

Love him enough to give him time to find someone else.

Someone he can love fully, without worry or restrictions.

If you truly love him, you will set him free.

“Kat!”

Kat’s brain broke out of her thoughts. “Yeah?”

She looked up to find Stella’s brows low and her dark brown eyes full of concern. “Why are you crying, honey?”

Kat reached up and felt her eyes. And cheeks.

They were soaking wet and she hadn’t even realized it.

Stella grabbed her hand and held it. “Listen, I know you’re scared. We all are. But what happened today doesn’t have to mean the worst-case scenario. Let’s just stay hopeful and wait for the test results to come back before we start freaking out.” She patted Kat’s hand. “Easier said than done, I know, but let’s try.”

When Kat didn’t respond, Stella’s eyes narrowed, her gaze way too perceptive. She reared back slightly, head tilting. “Or maybe this isn’t about the flare-up?” When Kat didn’t deny it, she said, “Maybe this is about the comment you made about Danny earlier?” She studied Kat’s stoic expression, then honed back in on her eyes. “Kat, why are you crying about Danny?” When Kat still didn’t respond, Stella quietly asked, “Why didn’t you call him tonight?”

Kat held Stella’s expectant gaze – her brain and heart and soul screaming out:

Because I love him.

And I cannot have him.

I don’t know how we will live without each other.

But I cannot do this to him.

And so I have to let him go.

Because I love him.

Kat used the hospital gown to wipe her eyes, trying to smile and failing miserably. “They’re just watering. Probably the diplopia, right?”

“I hate to even waste breath saying ‘bullshit,’ because we both already know it, but
bullshit
,” Stella said.

Thankfully, the transport guy chose that moment to arrive to take Kat down for her MRI. Stella helped Kat position herself lying down on the gurney, unfolded the white blanket at the end of the bed, and spread it across Kat’s legs.

With one last heartening smile and a pat to her arm, Stella said, “I need to go check on my other patients, but Fi and I will be right here when you get back, okay,
cara
?”

Kat nodded and the transport guy wheeled her out.

*

An hour later,
Kat heard Dr. Schlagel’s voice right before the curtain was pushed aside and he stepped in, manila envelope in hand.

Fi stood and walked over to where Kat and Stella were sitting on the bed and all three women looked expectantly at Dr. Schlagel.

He grabbed the back of a chair and slid it in front of Kat’s bed. As he sank into it, he flipped the folder open. “Well, we’ve got some good news and some bad news, Kat.”

Kat nodded. “I figured as much.”

Dr. Schlagel looked up, meeting her eyes. “As you know, the last time we did a scan, you had one visible lesion on your cerebellum. Now, the good news is the Alternox seems to have shrunk that lesion almost to the point of disappearing.” He paused and Kat held her breath. “But the bad news is you have two new lesions, one on your cerebellum and one on your cervical spine.”

Kat’s heart and stomach dropped.

“My suggested course of treatment is continuing the Alternox in the hopes it will shrink the new lesions. We’ll also continue the motility and spasticity medications. And, of course, we’ll scan you again soon to track everything.”

He stood, dropped the folder onto the chair, and pulled out a pen light. Dr. Schlagel shined it in Kat’s left eye, then the right. He took a step back and studied both of her eyes. “Your pupils are still not dilating in tandem. Are you still seeing double, Kat?”

Kat nodded.

“I don’t think that’s part of what’s going on with your lesions, but obviously something else is weakening those muscles.”

“I haven’t been sleeping well lately.” Kat cleared her throat, the flush already creeping up her neck. “And I’ve been engaging in more…physical activity…than I normally do. I think it’s safe to attribute the diplopia to that.”

Dr. Schlagel nodded. “And maybe even the overall decline in function. Lack of rest of and overexertion certainly don’t help with MS symptoms. That combined with the new lesions could account for everything you’ve been experiencing.”

“Do the new lesions mean she’s getting worse?” Fi asked.

“Not necessarily,” Dr. Schlagel answered, crossing his arms over his chest. “The number of lesions and their locations do not typically determine the severity of symptoms or course of the disease.” He paused, eyeing Kat clinically. “That being said, I am a bit concerned over the severity of this decline.”

Kat’s stomach muscles clenched, her mind raced, and her heart ached because she already knew what he was thinking. Because it was the exact thing she’d been thinking – and dreading – all night.

Actually, the very thing she’d been obsessively worrying about for the past seven years.

“Does this mean she is no longer considered benign,” Stella asked quietly.

Dr. Schlagel exhaled a hard breath, still eyeing Kat. “I thought she was following a much more benign path before this sudden flare-up, but, now…”

Fi started sniffling loudly into the sleeve of her sweater.

Dr. Schlagel glanced over at her, clearly uncomfortable with the outburst of emotion. He cleared his throat. “Now, I wouldn’t panic just yet. If Kat’s been overextending herself and not sleeping properly, that could definitely cause a dramatic decline. We’ll get her all rested up and have her take it easy and see if that improves any of her symptoms. And then I’ll feel more comfortable about taking a stand on Benign MS vs. Relapse-Remitting or Primary/Secondary Progressive MS.”

“I remember Kat saying fifty percent of benign cases
do
worsen,” Fi said.

“Yes, but fifty percent of them don’t,” Stella said, prompting Dr. Schlagel to nod.

“That’s right. So we’re going to keep a ‘glass half full’ attitude toward Kat’s case until things tell us otherwise,” Dr. Schlagel said. “I will concede that the recent downturn isn’t what we’d like to see, but let’s keep hopeful until we absolutely cannot view it that way, anymore.”

Yeah, easy for him to say.

Kat forced a weak smile. “Thanks, Dr. Schlagel.” He extended his hand and Kat shook it. “I’ll be seeing you in the office soon.”

He nodded, grabbed his folder off the chair, and left the room.

“See, Kat, everything’s okay,” Stella said, rubbing Kat’s upper arm and smiling. “All that worry for nothing. Everything’s just fine.”

Except I have two new lesions, a marked decline in function, and new symptoms I’ve never had before.

“Yes, that sounded like decent news, huh, Kat?” Fi said. Her lips curled and her brow quirked. “You just have to slow some stuff down and you’ll be right back to normal.”

Yeah…

Normal.

My
normal.

Scared.

Hurting.

Lonely.

Kat’s throat tightened to keep the rising sob from escaping her lips.

Alone.

Because, in that very moment, Kat realized…

No matter how many other people she had in her life…no matter where she went and who she met…no matter who else loved her and cared for her…

That, without Danny, she would always be lonely.

That, without his love, she would always feel utterly alone in the world.

And that losing him would be akin to having a huge chunk of herself ripped away…leaving a huge, gaping, jagged, ugly space only he could fill.

But enduring that horrible pain was better than the alternative. It was better than sentencing the man she loved so deeply to a life of pure misery, pain, and loss.

The smile Kat forced was the most painful and difficult of her life. Because she knew exactly what she had to do and was finally forced to acknowledge that the time to do it was…

Now
.

“Yes,” Kat said, nodding slowly, her heart breaking so hard it hurt to breath. “Looks like everything is going to be just fine.”

‡

W
hen his call
kicked to Kat’s voicemail, again, Danny ended the call, and stared down at the home screen.

“Still no answer?” Nathan asked, glancing over. When Danny shook his head, Nathan said, “I’ll try Stella again. She must be really busy at work tonight, because usually she texts back right away.”

“Can you try Gigi or Fi this time? Maybe one of them has heard from her.” Danny glanced at the cruiser’s dashboard clock, then back down at his phone. “It’s 11:00 at fucking night…where in the hell could she be?”

“Maybe she fell asleep,” Nathan replied, leaning to the side to pull his cell out of his pants pocket. “Stella says the MS makes her really tired sometimes.” He looked down, hit a few buttons, and put the phone up to his ear. “I bet she’s sawing logs on her couch as we speak.”

“She was going to
my
house. And it’s not like her to be so non-responsive.” Danny shook his head. “I feel like something’s wrong.”

“We already checked with traffic…no accidents reported involving a car like hers. Plus, she said in her last text she’d arrived home. And-” Nathan paused, someone obviously answering on the other end. “Hey, Gigi…no, no, no, everything’s fine. I just talked to Carla a little while ago. Gia is doing fine…I already told you, don’t apologize.” Nathan moved his mouth away from the speaker and exhaled a hard sigh before replacing it. “Gigi, it’s fine. Carla was free to babysit and you needed the rest. Anyway, listen, I’m calling because Danny is having a hard time getting a hold of Kat and we were wondering if you’d heard from her…uh-huh…okay…oh, great…” He looked over and gave Danny a brief nod. “And that was at what time?” Nathan nodded some more. “Perfect. Okay…well, that’ll put his mind at ease…yep, I told him the same thing…okay…yes, I will…”