human. And sure, girls have come on to me . . .”
I cringed inwardly. Is that how he saw me? I’d never thrown myself at anyone—I’d never had to.
Guys came on to
me
. Except for that one time at that party, when I saw Bennett for the first time.
I needed to change the subject, pronto.
Noticing he had unpacked some pictures and placed a couple on his desk in the corner of the room,
I stood up and made my way over. “Are these your mom and sisters?”
His mom was a pretty lady with blond hair cut to her shoulders. And she was next to a pair of twins
and a very striking teen girl who was bound to have guys falling all over
her
as well.
“Yeah,” he said. “The twins are twelve and my sister Taylor just turned seventeen.”
“Wow, you’ve lived around a lot of estrogen your whole life.” I looked back at him. “Where’s the
testosterone?”
“Nonexistent.” Anger flashed hot as an iron and Bennett’s features turned into a scowl. “Let’s just
say I’ve been the only decent male role model in their lives.” That might explain a lot. I noticed they all looked different from one another. Did their father leave
or die, or did they come from different men, like my brother and I? I’d save those questions for another
day.
“So, do they live around here?”
“About twenty minutes south, in West View. I see them every week for Sunday dinner. I lived at
home until about a year ago, when my mother met her current husband.” I saw his jaw tick. “Then it was
time for me to go.”
“Oh, I know that feeling too well,” I said, not offering any more information. I checked out of my
house when I was sixteen and slept at Ella’s most of the time. And then checked out emotionally after
that. “Did you have a beef with your new stepdad?”
“Not really. It’s just that I helped Mom pay the bills and raise my sisters for as long as I could, but
now he can be responsible for all of that. As long as he sticks around.” There was quite a story there, I
could tell, but I didn’t want to push the topic.
Maybe he was one of these super responsible kids who could never let loose.
“Sounds like our moms could have been BFFs in another life.”
He turned his head sideways, studying me, wondering about me. “Where does your family live?”
“About an hour from here. I don’t visit very often, but I talk to my brother, Adam, almost every
single day. He’s a senior in high school, and I try to keep tabs on him. He’s a good kid, though.”
“What about your mother?”
I grew silent. He had shared stuff with me so I really wasn’t being fair.
“You don’t have to tell me anymore if you don’t want to.”
I shrugged. “What can I say—she’s my mother. The biggest pain in my ass.” And the biggest
betrayer in my life. “So I keep my distance.”
“Your dad?”
“Let’s not even go there.” There was nowhere to go, anyway. I wasn’t sure if even Mom knew who he was. Or even his name. Either way, she’d never talked about him.
“Another time, then,” he said. I noticed that he had shifted closer to me and our shoulders were
almost touching. “Want a beer while we watch the movie?”
“Sounds perfect.”
He opened two beers and joined me on the couch. The opening credits rolled and he scooted over
close enough that our knees almost touched. I sipped and watched the screen, not even registering what
was happening in the movie. Thankfully, I’d seen it half a dozen times already, in case he wanted to
make small talk.
I was cognizant of Bennett’s every move. Like a current humming through the air. Every swallow
of his beer, every time his arm came down with the bottle and brushed alongside mine. When he reached
over to turn up the volume on the remote, his thigh rubbed against my shorts and I nearly flinched.
I was like some lovesick tween desperate to have my crush finally notice me.
As the movie played on, I finished my beer and became increasingly drowsy. During the big battle
scene, my head slumped toward his shoulder in the twilight of sleep. Bennett’s arm slinked behind my
neck as he nudged closer. When his fingers made small circular motions up and down my arm, my heart
pumped an inordinate amount of blood through my veins.
I wasn’t sure if he realized the impact his touch had on me.
I became intensely aroused, but pretended that I was still nearing slumber. If Bennett’s fingers
inched anywhere southward, he’d be fondling my chest. My breast practically stretched toward his
hand—begging for his undivided attention.
I couldn’t help wondering if my nearness was affecting him as well.
I’d caught him checking me out earlier, and he obviously wanted to spend time with me. I didn’t
get the sense that his invitation was out of obligation or pity, though I might have been mistaken. He’d
mentioned a girl he was seeing in one of our earlier talks, yet he still asked me to sleep over tonight.
I sighed and snuggled into his chest, carefully placing my fingers against his thigh. His leg muscle tensed and the hand on my shoulder paused. His breaths were brisk and warm against my hair.
So he wasn’t immune to me after all.
I didn’t know what the hell I thought I was doing. He specifically told me he was a commitment
kind of guy, and here I was messing with him, trying to prove some kind of point.
What was wrong with me? Did I need so badly to see what he was made of?
But I was entertaining other thoughts as well. Like maybe Bennett would eventually be open to the
kind of arrangement Rob and I had. Except that I was terrified I could lose myself in a guy like
Bennett—he’d be like a drug I couldn’t get enough of. And that was hazardous to a girl intent on being
in control. Being her own person—which didn’t gel with having any kind of relationship.
Bennett didn’t breathe a word as my fingers raked softly against his thigh. He sucked in a breath
and brushed his hand up and down my back and against the nape of my neck. The fire between my legs
only intensified. I resisted the urge to squirm and moan into his chest.
Once the end credits began rolling, Bennett straightened himself. But I was still against his
shoulder in a feigned state of sleep. When he removed his fingers from my hair, I lamented the loss.
“Avery,” he whispered. “Ready for bed?”
“Mmmm . . .”
He shifted away for a moment before I felt my body being lifted by strong arms. He smelled liked
coconuts and white sandy beaches. My eyes remained closed but I nuzzled into his neck, my lips resting
against his smooth skin. He stifled a groan.
His lips brushed against the top of my head as he carried me to his bed, and a wave of euphoria
pulsed through me. He laid me down facing the wall, the same position I’d slept in last night. I heard his
labored breaths as he stepped out of his jeans and removed his shirt. Then he slid in beside me.
He hesitated for the longest time before finally scooting forward. His hand came around and braced
my stomach, so warm and strong and protective that I couldn’t hold in my gasp.
“Is this okay?” he whispered. I could only nod, my limbs felt so weak. His breathing intensified and I felt his bulge growing against my back. But Bennett said nothing
more and made no other moves. I got the feeling he was trying to hold himself back, and there was no
way I was going to throw myself at him.
It was the single most sensual moment of my life.
We lay there for some tense and aroused minutes before I finally heard his breaths soften into sleep. Eventually, I drifted off as well.
Chapter Six
I slept in Bennett’s bed for the next three nights, in much the same way. I’d head up to his place and
we’d dine on takeout, watch a movie, or listen to music. I helped him unpack most of his boxes and he
directed me where to place his things.
I got a bird’s-eye view of his art. I’d known he was an art major, but seeing his work revealed
another side to him. It was earthy and eclectic and stunning, just like him. It was mostly charcoal
drawings of city life or scenic landscapes that he somehow transformed into ethereal, picturesque, and
peculiar versions of themselves. Like
Starry Night
meets
The Scream
.
Then we’d snuggle into bed together, his chest against my back and me aware of how completely
aroused he was. If I had an appendage growing on the outside of my body, he’d have known how
entirely stirred up I was as well. It was completely nerve-racking and overwhelming yet provocative and
comforting all at once.
I had never done any such thing with a guy. And I didn’t know who was more stubborn, me or him.
Neither one of us was willing to make the next move. For him, it may have been because he didn’t want
to become one of my friends with benefits. And for me, it was because there was some small desperate
part of me that didn’t want him to think I was so easy, or easily led—into commitment, that is.
I asked him about the girl he was seeing, but he never answered me, so I assumed he was having
the same problem—no desire to be with anyone else for the moment.
Rob even drunk-dialed me and threatened to show up on my doorstep because he needed it so
badly, he said. Obviously I did, too, like I’d never needed it before in my whole damned life, but it felt
weird to let Rob come over, especially if Bennett accidentally ran into him. I had no earthly idea where either of us stood or how blurred the lines had become.
So I decided I needed to be the bigger person—the person who had an ounce of control and sense
left—and put an end to my sleepovers with Bennett. I needed to sleep in my own damn bed.
So I didn’t go up to his apartment and he didn’t come down to get me and somehow that made me
feel even worse. My chest had an ache I couldn’t shake until I fell into a restless night of sleep. I figured
he got the message I was sending. That I was no longer interested in whatever little game we were
playing.
In the morning I was proud of myself for making it through the night without the help of a man. I
needed to get my life back. I was strong and unattached, and I liked it that way.
Mrs. Jackson noticed a difference the following morning in the activity room. “You look resigned
today. Maybe with a hint of sadness underneath.”
“Nope, you don’t have me pegged today,” I said, laying down my pair of aces. I’d promised her a
quick game of rummy. “I am confident and self-assured.”
“I am woman, hear me roar?” she said, snickering. Her fingers trembled as she balanced her stack
of cards. It was a skill that had become difficult for her, given the numbness in her hands since the
stroke. “Trying to play the independent game with him, huh?”
She was frustrating as hell and always saw right through me and I loved her for it.
I waved to Mrs. Jackson’s daughter, Star, as she strode through the door for a visit. “Oh good. Now
you can complain about how Star and her husband work too much and need more date nights.” I winked
as I exited the table.
That night I tried to have a quickie with Rob—at his place, instead of mine. I had so much pent-up
sexual frustration I didn’t know what to do. Rob had two roommates, and they were a pain in the ass.
Always high as kites in front of the PlayStation. The place was a disaster, and I refused to ever use the
one bathroom they all shared. No way did I want to see nasty public hairs clinging to the wall or yellow
trails of pee on the floor. Men had disgusting habits; that was for sure. One of the many reasons I was better off without one in my life.
After Rob brought me up to his room, he immediately lifted my shirt and began pawing at me. No
erotic foreplay there. Not that I’d ever needed it before.
His hands were rough, his kisses sloppy, and for the first time I asked myself how I’d ever been
with him so many times. It suddenly felt different, and there was definitely no damn fire in my belly.
It might be the first time I’d have to fake it, but I didn’t want to disappoint Rob. We used each other
for just this purpose, and if he needed to get off, then I’d oblige. But damn, I needed it, too. My vibrator
had been a poor substitute for flesh and bones. Or boner, in this case.
An hour later, I was on my way home and less satisfied than I’d been in a good long while.
***
The second night I slept alone in my bed, I told myself things were finally getting back to normal. I
ignored the tightness lodged in my throat that I was missing something—missing someone—and
convinced myself that Bennett was fine with it as well, because he never tried to contact me, either.
I was going to a party with Ella and Rachel that evening and was excited about being out with my
