My fingers were fisted in his hair, and I was close to losing myself.
Still, something held me back. It was so difficult to completely relinquish control. Letting go for
Bennett would mean something different now. Because after last night,
we’d
become something
different. Something real.
“I want you to trust me.” Bennett’s finger slid from inside of me and his other hand released hold of
my thigh.
With his mouth still on me, he reached for my hands, which were now tangled in the sheets. He
laced his fingers with mine and held on tight.
“Come for me, baby.” Then his tongue and mouth became relentless—lapping between my slick
folds and sucking with the right amount of pressure.
Pleasure and heat built to an overwhelming intensity in my body. “Oh God, Bennett, don’t stop.” I
squeezed my eyes shut as color and light danced behind my eyelids and my whole world exploded into a
million pieces.
He gripped my hands and his mouth held steady as I shivered and shook and called out his name.
Then he pulled me into his arms and stroked my hair. “Thank you.”
My skin felt slick and my voice was raspy. “For what?” “For being vulnerable in front of me.”
Chapter Nineteen
Bennett and I saw each other regularly the next couple of weeks. We hung out at the corner bar for
drinks, met at the campus coffee shop between classes, and ordered takeout while we studied together.
We agreed not to get in the habit of sleeping in each other’s beds. Though I was willing to give this trust
thing a try, I wasn’t ready to enfold myself in his life completely.
One thing was for certain—it was hard to leave Bennett after a marathon make-out session on my
couch or at his door. I’d want to ask him to stay and fall asleep with me, but I held myself back. And I
could tell he did as well.
When I had let him go down on me the other night, it was the most intense orgasm I’d ever
experienced. And though I had come during sex with other men, it was just a means to an end for me. So
letting go and trusting him on a whole different level—one where emotions were involved—had been
intense and heady and satisfying.
But I was scared of losing myself completely in Bennett. And signs of it were already showing.
Beginning with the night of the almost-break-in at my window. Not that it was Bennett’s fault. The
thought of allowing someone to infiltrate my life made me feel defenseless. It was terrifying and sweet
and exasperating all at the same time.
Rob had text me twice that week, and I decided to be honest with him. I told him I’d met someone
and was giving it a chance. Bennett and I never said we were exclusive, but there was an unspoken
understanding there. Besides, seeing any hurt or jealousy in his eyes would have been painful.
Rob: Is this because of that guy—your neighbor?
Me: Really none of your business. Why do you ask? Rob: Could tell something’s been different about you lately.
Me: Guess it’s just time to move on, Rob.
Rob: Sure, understood. One question, though? If I had wanted more,
would it have made a difference?
Whoa, what? Rob had never given me that impression. I’d thought we had a clear and mutual
understanding. Part of me felt awful. He was a decent guy. Maybe he was searching for something—
someone—more meaningful, too. Not that I was actually ever searching.
But I didn’t want to lead him on. So I needed to be completely up front with him.
Me: Geez Rob . . . I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say. The honest
truth is . . . probably not.
Rob: That’s cool. Take care, Avery. You know where to find me.
I could almost hear the disappointment resonating from his words, and as I sat staring at our
exchanged dialogue, I was filled with a hollow regret.
Adam and his girlfriend were coming up for the weekend. I got Saturday off work and made some
casual dinner plans for us. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to introduce Bennett to my family, but as the
weekend drew nearer, I realized that I wanted him there.
Bennett: What time is your brother coming in?
Me: Noon. Want to grab dinner with us at that Mexican restaurant
on First?
Bennett: Sounds good. See you later.
Adam and Andrea made a cute couple. The way my brother doted on her had me a bit worried until
I saw that she was just as sweet on him. I drove them around the university campus, since both were
considering applying there. I showed them the bookstore and the library, the admissions office, and the
buildings in which most of my nursing classes were located.
We parked in the square near the campus and walked to all the little shops. The day was beautiful, the leaves were in full color, and Andrea admired how quaint the town was.
Ella met us for lunch at the campus coffee shop. They had a great selection of soups and
sandwiches. She’d always loved Adam and wanted to catch up with him. She also wanted to meet his
new girlfriend and give her approval.
She was almost as protective of Adam as I was. And I understood why. After what had happened to
her brother, I didn’t question her motives. Her love for and loyalty to Adam. It was a primitive response
to the hell she and her family had been put through.
“Adam,” Ella squealed. “Get over here and give me a hug.”
Adam grinned and introduced her to Andrea.
“I love your hair,” Andrea said, reaching out to touch Ella’s waves. “I try to get mine that wavy, but
it never works.”
“I like her already,” Ella said, nudging Adam’s shoulder.
We stood in front of the coffee shop, and I saw a line forming at the counter. “Let’s grab seats
before they fill up.”
I plopped my coat down on a chair to reserve a table in the back corner and then joined the three of
them in line. Adam and Ella were busy catching up, and Andrea asked me what sandwiches were good.
“The turkey bacon one is probably my favorite, but the others are good, too,” I said. “So your
parents were okay with you coming up this weekend?”
“Totally,” she said. “They adore Adam. He’s over at our house a lot. Especially . . . if your mom has
company on the weekends.”
My stomach tightened with that familiar tension. “How often is that happening lately? Be honest
with me.”
“Maybe once a month.”
At least the broad had slowed down some since I left.
“Andrea, do me a favor. Make sure to stay away on those weekends?” I knew Adam was protective of her, but still I worried.
“Adam doesn’t let me come over on weekends, actually,” she said, her cheeks growing rosy. “I get
why he insists.”
God, I was so proud of my brother. I pulled him into a hug from behind and stood on tiptoes to kiss
his cheek.
“What was that for?” he said.
“Just because I love you.” I messed his hair.
He shrugged and turned back to Ella. They were discussing Ella’s other brother, who was gearing
up for basketball season with Adam.
“My parents were thrilled we were coming to see the campus,” Andrea said. “And since they knew
we were staying with you, they were cool with it.”
I bit my fingernail. “Would they be cool with it if they knew I only had one air mattress for you
guys to share?”
Andrea blushed a harsh shade of crimson. “You don’t have to worry about us, Avery. We would
never—”
“Oh gosh, Andrea, I didn’t mean it like that,” I said, gripping her shoulder. “I just meant . . . a good
big sister would have planned that part more carefully. But I trust you guys to behave yourselves at my
house.”
There was that word again—trust. If they’d only known what I did back in high school. No
sexcapades until college, but plenty of making out—on my terms—to rid my mind of Gavin and Tim.
“I’m
so
not worried about it.”
We were next up to place our orders, and I treated everybody to lunch.
I took bites of my turkey bacon sandwich while Ella talked about her psychology classes. Andrea
was interested in social work as her major and also wanted to know about dorm life.
I had never experienced the dorms like Ella. I’d commuted to campus from my teeny efficiency apartment close to home so I could keep my eye on Adam. I only felt comfortable moving farther away
when Adam had turned into a six-foot-two, two-hundred-pound hulking high school junior.
“Look who’s here,” Ella said between bites of her sandwich. “It’s Avery’s new boyfriend.”
My head jerked around. Bennett was clear across the other side of the room with Nate and two
girls. Bennett’s and Nate’s backs were to us, giving me a clear view of their company. The girl nearest
Bennett had a pixie cut with flowery tattoos up and down both arms and a nose ring. The other girl
leaned over a book close to Nate, black hair spilling over her shoulder as they talked and laughed.
Bennett was having an animated conversation with tattoo girl, too.
Pretty
tattoo girl. Maybe he had more
in common with her than with someone like me. A ball of jealousy lodged in my throat, and I cleared it
several times.
When I turned my attention back to our table, I realized no one was speaking. Adam was staring at
me, his mouth slightly ajar. “You have a boyfriend?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head a little too forcefully. “Just someone I’m getting to know. I actually
invited Bennett out to dinner with us tonight.”
Although now I wanted to rescind my invitation, pronto.
“Bitch, you were so shooting daggers at tattoo girl just now,” Ella said.
“I was
not
,” I said through gritted teeth. “Besides, it’s not like we’re exclusive or anything. You
know I wouldn’t want that.”
Ella twisted her bottom lip and Adam still studied me intently.
“What?” I barked at him.
“I . . . I just haven’t seen you like this,” he said. “In a long time.”
“Like what?” I was so ready to be done with this conversation.
“Interested in a guy,” he said, his voice soft and timid, like he thought I’d rip him a new one any
moment now. “I was actually starting to worry that you—”
“That I
what
?” I saw how Andrea gripped his hand now.
“That you . . .” His jaw ticked, and Andrea shook her head. “That you had more in common with
Mom than you’d ever admit.”
His words were like a slap in the face, and I immediately sprang up. “Screw you, Adam.”
“No, sis, please listen to me,” Adam pleaded. Andrea put her face in her hands.
“Sit your crazy ass down before you make a scene,” Ella hissed. “Let your brother explain
himself.”
I sat down reluctantly, despite wanting to bolt right out the door. My heart was slamming against
my chest. “Damn you, Adam. Mom and I are
nothing
alike.”
“Okay, sis.” Adam sighed. “All I meant was . . . you used to be different. Not so cynical. When you
were with Gavin, you were happy, at least most of the time. I just . . . liked seeing you like that.”
“I know, Adam. But lots of things changed after that. I’d seen too much. And I made the conscious
decision to be alone. To take care of myself,” I said, reaching for his hand across the table. “I haven’t
been with anyone because I
chose
not to be. And Mom isn’t with anyone because she chooses fucked-up
men.”
“She’s right,” Andrea said, to my surprise. His girlfriend was coming to my defense. “Adam, your
sister is fiercely independent, and I admire that about her.”
“Me, too,” he said. “I just want her to be happy. Like we are.”
“She will be,” Andrea said. “When she’s ready.”
I was speechless. My brother and his girlfriend were having a conversation about me as if I weren’t
even there. I let out an exasperated breath. I knew my brother wasn’t trying to be cruel. He was just
worried about me. Like I was worried about him.
Ella winked. “Told you I liked that girl.” Then she stood up and motioned to Andrea. “Let’s go
back up and get some desserts. Their cheesecake is killer here.”
I knew she was just giving Adam and me privacy. But right now I was ready to throttle him. “I’m sorry, sis,” Adam said, his shoulders slumping forward.
“I know you are. Just forget about it,” I said, sipping my iced tea.
Suddenly everything about how I’d chosen to spend the last few years of my life came into clear
focus. Bennett told me I’d given away pieces of myself. And now Adam had accused me of being like
Mom and all of her men.
And it all came crashing down on me. I wasn’t giving pieces away. I was keeping them hidden. I’d
only given my family and friends a small portion of myself, because I wasn’t ready to give all of me.
Not yet.
