All New Letters From a Nut

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Here we stand on the precipice of an entirely fresh batch of brand new Ted L. Nancy Letters from a Nut. Conceived in lunacy, and released into wide circulation to the general public. And I feel the moment for me to finally reveal the truth that I possess about this mysterious man has arrived. The time has come for me to at last admit everything I know, and that I know everything.

In the 15 years that the Ted L. Nancy legend began there has been much circumspection about his identity, his whereabouts and his intentions. Many have claimed to be Ted Nancy, know Ted Nancy, write for Ted Nancy. Some have even guessed that I, Jerry Seinfeld, the two commercial spokesperson for the Microsoft Corporation, am the real Ted. All of these allegations, even the true ones, are false.

I have been asked so many questions.

“Who is this Nancy?”

“Why does he not come forward?”

“Why is he traveling with 300 hamsters to Amsterdam to put on a play called ‘Hamsterdam’?”

“How is he able to reach the President of Latvia and then persuade his Excellency to consider being the head of Ted’s ‘Walnut Club’?”

“Why is Ted the only one to report that VONS Supermarket Black Cherry soda has the ability to send telekinetic messages?”

What about his other characters like Tiny Bennett and Small McCartney? Performers he insists are not midgets but “diminutives”.

Is he really about to travel to Crete, Greece to perform his play, “Is Andy There?”? (Which was changed at the last minute to “Is Michael There?”) And why must he rehearse the entire production in a hotel lobby?

Who are these other associates of his, Roy Gum, Don Gargle, Torry Hippo, Ralph Hem and Ben Gooey? Also Juanita Mincey and Boniva Rodriguez. What about the outdoor portable bathrooms called ‘Pie Ala Commodes’ and the Swanson Gastric Bypass TV Dinners?

Who is the true source of all these odd, yet oddly compelling ideas?

I can conceal the secret no longer. I can’t live with myself. I don’t know why I ever got involved with this. It all seemed so innocent at the beginning. A few letters, a little good natured fun. But now millions of books have been sold. The relentless drumbeat of public curiosity continues to mount.

Of course, I am directly responsible for encouraging this man in these activities year after year. I thought eventually the interest would wane and it would all just slowly disappear. But the opposite has happened. One Best Seller followed another, and then another. What is going on, I thought. Can there really be that many people silently rooting for Ted L. Nancy to succeed in opening up a restaurant next to “KOO KOO ROO Chicken” called “I Am The Walrus”?

I know now that there is only one way out of this very strange set of circumstances. I must unmask him publicly. I, Jerry Seinfeld, who at one time along with Bill Gates moved into the home of a normal
American family telling them only, “I just want to live with you people.” I will show the real Ted L. Nancy to the world on national television. And I will do it on the station that is “#1 for News”.

And then the world will see, once and for all time, that just because someone claims to possess a moist towelette from the Civil War and wants it included in a Museum of other moist towelettes does not mean that we must all be dragged down into the Chickamauga.

Jerry Seinfeld

New York City

Full text of the above letter to follow.

1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201 USA

Lost & Found
Bar Harbor Hotel
Newport Drive Bar Harbor,
Maine 04609 USA

14 Apr 2009

Dear Bar Harbor Hotel:

I am wondering if you found a pair of RUBBER GORILLA FEET that I left in your mens room the evening of Thursday Apr 10. I was visiting your restaurant that evening and used the restroom. i was in town to give a performance at a birthday party for a Mr. Juan and was in partial costume and, I believe, left my feet in your hotel mens room.

I was probably distracted when I needed to use the tissue dispenser and noticed it was empty, so I went to another stall to get a handful of tissue and to see if you had a sani guard. With both stalls open and me being disoriented I may have become confused and distracted. These rubber feet are large as they are gorilla feet, (lowland) size 15, with bunches of hair on them. (they are rubbery) They have no value other than as part of a costume I wear for birthday parties and events that I am in. i probably left them behind when I used the bathroom. They may still be in there.

Or perhaps another guest turned them in. you have a fine hotel and are most courteous to your diners. I enjoyed my dinner there.

Respectfully,

P.S. You have great bread

Full text of the above letter to follow.