All I Want For Christmas (19 page)

As she exchanged good-nights with everyone, Ryan's arm stayed around her waist. Desire and love flooded her, and she was eager to go home, talk and fall into his arms.

“Nice party,” Ryan said as he drove back to Tina's place.

“It always is. Thanks for coming with me.”

“No problem.” In the light from the street and the oncoming cars, he noted her warm expression. “Your boss is a class act, and the rest of the employees seem nice. With people like that in the company, I see why you love your job. “

Watching her interact with her colleagues had been interesting. And very enlightening. Everyone liked and admired her, and she seemed to like them.

“It is a good place to work, and as creative director I'm next in line to be CEO.” She turned away, to look out her window. “Everyone assumes that someday I'll take over Jim Sperling's job.”

Though her face was hidden from Ryan, he detected not a shred of discontent. He certainly had seen nothing but laughter and good feelings tonight. Tina seemed pleased with her life, and as ambitious as ever.
Man, G. G., did you ever get it wrong.

Earlier, he'd been certain Tina cared about him and wanted more. Now, he wasn't so sure.
She belongs here, in this world.

Not on Halo Island. A heavy feeling settled in his gut and chest—made worse because at the moment she wouldn't even look at him. Call him a coward, but if she rejected him he simply couldn't handle it. Not tonight. Hell, not ever.

What in the world had made him think Tina wanted more than a job?

Feeling like a sorry fool, he found a parking place near her apartment building. He thought about dropping her off, driving to Anacortes and catching the ferry home, but the last one had left hours ago. Besides, she was expecting that talk—the talk he no longer wanted to have.

They rode the elevator in silence, Ryan mulling over what he could say that didn't involve sharing his feelings and making a fool of himself.

Inside, Tina took his coat and hung it up. While he stood nearby, with his hands in his trouser pockets and dread in his belly.

“Would you like a glass of wine?” she asked.

“I've had enough, thanks.”

She sat at one end of the sofa, leaving plenty of room for him. As miserable as Ryan felt, he couldn't sit next to her. He took a chair instead, holding on to the arms with fingers that were stiff.

She tilted her head, and tiny lines appeared between her eyebrows. “You wanted to talk?”

Maggie and the bank were safe topics. “Dr. Wright—that therapist I took Maggie to—said the same things you did. That if I'm not happy, Maggie won't be.” She gave a knowing nod, and Ryan plunged into a new topic. “I don't know if you heard that Halo Island Bank will be sold off next year?”

“I hadn't.”

“It was just announced this week. Dr. Wright thinks I should buy it. Thing is, if I do, I won't have much time for Maggie. But you and I already talked about that.” He scratched the back of his neck. “I still don't know what to do.”

In the silence that hung between them, Tina's face went from curious to irritated. Ryan started to loosen his tie, then thought better of it.

“This is what you wanted to discuss? You could have saved yourself the trip and called. I'm not stupid, Ryan. I know that you're only here because G. G. asked you to come. I can't believe I thought…Never mind.” She gave him a hurt look that made him feel about two inches tall.

“Yes, this was G. G.' s idea, but I'm here because I wanted to see you,” Ryan said, forgetting to steer clear of his feelings.

“Right. That's why you waited almost three weeks to do it.” She rolled her eyes at the ceiling. “Look, if you want to buy the bank but you're concerned about Maggie, just ask her what she thinks about it. Problem solved.”

He'd never considered that. “That's a great idea. I will.”

Her lips tightened and formed a thin line. She was still upset with him, which was his cue to cut and run.

He cleared his throat. “It's late. I should go.” And find a room someplace. He stood.

“I just want to get one thing straight.” Tina sat back and regarded him through slightly narrowed eyes. “This whole evening, those tender looks and your arm around me…What was that about? Do you care about me or not?”

“Sure I do.” He shifted his weight. “But you've got your high-powered job to worry about, and I don't want Maggie getting hurt.”

“You should know by now that I love Maggie. I lo—I care about you, too, unfortunately way more than I should. Lots of people juggle jobs and families.” Tina picked up a throw pillow and hugged it. “You know darned well I'm not like those other women who walked out on you, so what is your problem?” Before he could get in a word, her eyes widened. “You're afraid. Not only for Maggie, but for yourself.”

Bull's-eye. Ryan hated that she'd figured him out, and he hated the disappointment in her face.
Take a chance and tell her how you feel, lunkhead.

He swallowed. “You're right, I'm scared spitless.” He sat back down, this time beside her. “The truth is, I came here to talk about a lot more than whether I should buy the bank. And I will, but first there's something you should read.” He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the envelope containing Maggie's letter. “Maggie wrote this to Santa,” he said, handing it to Tina.

He watched her face as she read the misspelled, laboriously penciled letter. Which was only one sentence.
Der Santa, plez let Tina bee my momy.

“Oh, Ryan.” Tina bit her lip. Her eyes filled. “I don't know what to say.”

“Since I'm the one who's supposed to be talking, that's okay.”

With his thumb, he brushed away her tears. She was so beautiful, and he was so overcome with tenderness that for a moment words failed him. For the second time he cleared his throat. “Living without you the past few weeks…I've missed you. I can be thickheaded, and it took me a while to figure out that I love you. That's what I came here to say. And why I couldn't take my eyes off you all night, and why I needed to touch you.”

He wanted to touch her now, but didn't. This next part was hard, and he glanced down. “Seeing you with your work friends and listening to them sing your praises…It's pretty obvious how important your job is to you. I figured you'd reject me. I didn't want to hear that, so I kept my mouth shut.”

“Wait a minute.” She touched his cheek. “Did you say you loved me?”

“Guilty as charged.”

Shaking her head, tears streaming down her face, she looked at him. This time when his collar felt too tight, he loosened it. “For God's sake, say something.”

“Oh, Ryan. If you only knew…. I love you, too.”

“Then quit bawling and kiss me.”

Her lips were soft and warm,
home
. Ryan realized it didn't matter where he and Maggie lived, as long as Tina was there.

He might as well go for broke.
“I know this is kind of sudden, but the past few days I've been thinking a lot about us. If you want, Maggie and I could move to Seattle, to be with you. You'd have to move to a bigger place, though.”

“You'd do that for me? But you love Halo Island.”

That was true, but his happiness was at stake. “I love you more.”

He kissed her again, this time with more heat and passion. Tina pulled back, flushed and nervous. “You and Maggie living here—that won't work.”

“Okay, we'll start slower, and give this thing between us more time to grow.”

“That's not what I mean, Ryan.” She swallowed and smoothed down the skirt of her dress. “There's something you should know. Something I've never shared.”

Uh-oh. Warily, he waited.

“The truth is, I don't like my job. In fact, I'm close to hating it. I don't sleep well, and I'm no fun to be around. I couldn't ask you and Maggie to live with that.”

Ryan couldn't believe what he was hearing. “Say what?”

“I've tried and tried to love my work, but it's no use.” With a heavy sigh, she knotted her hands in her lap. “I used to live and breathe advertising, but gradually over the past few years, that's changed. I've lost my passion for it.”

Thoroughly confused, he frowned. “Could've fooled me.”

“You, G. G., Jefferson and everyone else. I'm good at pretending, but I've paid for it with an ulcer, insomnia and an empty life.”

“I don't get it,” he said. “Why?”

“You know what G. G. and everyone else wants—for me to someday run CE Marketing.” She started to nibble at her lip. “They don't just
want
it, they
expect
it of me, and they have for some time. I can't just up and change my mind. They'd never understand.”

Ryan sure didn't. “It's the twenty-first century. People change jobs all the time,” he said. “I certainly have, and it's no big deal.”

“It's a huge deal for me. G. G. and Jefferson and the rest of the neighbors have been so good to me. They helped raise me, and they put me through undergraduate and graduate school. Not one of them will let me pay back a penny of that money. They all say they'll get their return when I run the company.”

Never had Ryan imagined anything like this. Dumbfounded, he scratched the back of his neck. “That's crazy. They love you. I'll bet if you explain…”

“Don't you get it?” She sounded both frustrated and agonized. “I. Can't. Let. Them. Down. And what about Jim Sperling? He just hired me. If I left now…” She gave her head a dismal shake.

“Tina. Listen to me.” Ryan cupped her face and drew her close. “The advice you and Dr. Wright gave me—that if I was happy, Maggie would be, too? That also applies to you and the people who care about you. If you're happy, they'll be happy. As for Jim Sperling, trust me, he'll get over it.”

She looked skeptical, so he went at it from a different angle. “Tell me, if you didn't have to worry about anybody else, what would you do?”

“Quit CE Marketing and consult, part-time, from the island.”

“You'd move to Halo Island?”

“In a New York second.”

This was the best news yet. Ryan grinned. “Then, do it.”

She rolled her eyes. “Did you not hear what I said? I can't do that.”

“Once you level with G. G., Jefferson and the rest of them, you can. When you do, I'll be standing beside you.”

He saw that he hadn't convinced her. And suddenly he understood the
real
reason for her constraint. Fear. “You're scared they'll stop loving you,” he said.

“No, I'm not. I…” She hesitated, then gazed at him in wonder. “You're right. I never realized. How did you know?”

“It makes sense. You don't have a thing to worry about, Tina. People don't love you for what you do, but for who you are. You could turn into a bag lady and they'd still love you. I would.”

“Really?”

He nodded. “And so would they.”

“You're probably right. Maybe.” Indecision clouded her face. “I so want to believe you, but can I think about it?”

“Sure.” Ryan put his arm around her shoulders, and she settled against him. “What do you think about kids?” he asked.

“I love them, of course. Especially Maggie.”

“I know how you feel about her. Do you want to have any of your own?”

“Someday, I'd like a whole houseful.”

“I like kids, too.” Time to pop the question. Pivoting to face her, Ryan clasped her hands in his. “And I'd like to make them with you. Whatever you decide to do career-wise and wherever you want to live is okay by me—as long as we're together. Is it too soon in our relationship to propose? Because I know I want to marry you, and nothing will change that.”

“Oh, Ryan.” She beamed at him. “Yes. That is, no, it's not too soon. I've dreamed about this since I first met you and Maggie.”

He'd never felt so happy. “I love you, Tina.”

After several long, intense kisses, he broke away. “I want to show you how much I love you, but not on the sofa.” He stood, pulling her up with him. “Where's the bedroom?”

A
N HOUR LATER
, Tina snuggled against Ryan's side. He held her close and kissed the top of her head. He loved her and would stand by her no matter what, and she'd never felt so content or happy.

Even if everyone else abandoned her for letting them down.
Stop thinking like that, silly.

Her rational mind understood that they would love her no matter what, but her heart wasn't convinced. Possibly because she'd lost her mother and father so young, and feared she'd lose her acquired family, too. A thought that terrified her. Yep, that was the reason.

“Suddenly, you're all tensed up,” Ryan said. “I'll bet I know why.”