All I Have to Give (6 page)

Hands tried to hold her. Voices – those of Paddy and Beryl, and of strangers – implored her to stop, but she couldn’t.

Escaping the hands, she flung herself at Beryl. Beryl the betrayer, the deceiver, the husband-stealer. Well, she’d make sure she stole no one else’s husband. She’d rip that
pretty smile off her sister’s face and tear her red curls from her head.

‘Stop it. Ada, please stop it. You’re hurting me, and you’re making a fool of us all. Stop it!’

‘Stop it! Making a fool of meself . . . of you!’ Turning to face the small crowd that had gathered, Ada pulled herself to her full height. ‘Well, lovely posh neighbours, what
d’you think of me sister then, eh? Doesn’t really fit in with you all, does she? Well, watch out, or she’ll shag all of your men! She’s already started with mine. Seen him,
have you? Coming to visit on a Thursday? Aye, well, he won’t be coming any more, so take a good look at him while you can. Go on, you snooty-nosed—’

A blow caught the side of her head, sending her reeling backwards. Her body catapulted in the air, as though she’d been shot from the barrel of a cannon, before landing on the ground as if
it were a bag of rags. Her teeth clamped onto her tongue, spittle ran from the side of her mouth, and blood seeped down her throat.

A voice – a posh male voice – shouted, ‘Now then, there is no need for that. Someone go and fetch the police.’

Only one of her eyes would open, but with it she stared with hatred at Beryl. Lit by the light of the lamp that Paddy had retrieved, Beryl’s face was a river of tears and blood.
‘I’m sorry, our Ada, I’m reet sorry. I didn’t think as you’d care. You never had a good word for Paddy, and I . . . well, I never get owt from Bill, he . . . he
can’t do it.’

‘Sorry? You bitch! You have all of this and you try to take Paddy an’ all. How could you? Such as he is, he is all that I have . . .’ Ada’s voice had gone from a nasty
grating tone to whimpering the last few words.

‘She was for paying me, Ada. It wasn’t that I was for wanting to do it – it was nothing to me. I just wanted to bring some money home to you.’

Beryl turned on Paddy, hitting out, but he caught her fist and snarled at her, ‘Isn’t it that you’re just a whore in reverse? You’re not for selling it; you’re for
buying a cock to satisfy yourself with. And I was easy pickings – me being in need of the money.’ With this, he flung her away from him.

A moment’s silence was shattered by a high-pitched scream from Beryl, and with it words that Ada wished she’d never have to hear: ‘I’m having your babby. I’m five
months gone, you stinking sod! You said you would leave Ada for me, so I let you go all the way! Oh God . . . Bill can’t have kids, so he’ll know!’

Getting up off the floor, Ada felt the pity of the situation. Some of that pity was for this sister of hers, who had everything and yet nothing; and for Bill, poor Bill . . . But most of what
she felt wasn’t pity at all, but loneliness. That her own sister could plot to take her man. That she should be carrying a babby, which she herself could no longer give him. That all the
babbies she had given Paddy should be taken from her – for surely that is what would happen to Jimmy? The bloody Germans would shoot him, or blow him up. She’d resigned herself to
that.

Turning away, she mustered all the strength and dignity she could and limped off down the hill. Life had changed. It was not her life any more. She was not herself any more. But she would have
to get on with it. Whatever Paddy decided to do, she would go and get that job at the munitions factory. That would save her. She would work hard, and not give herself time to think of all that
used to be. Instead she would put away as much money as she could – and in a safer place than her bag – and get herself out and away from it all.

Rossworth Hall, Leicestershire, July 1916
An unbearable life

‘I’m so bored, Eloise. Nothing fun happens any more. It’s all the fault of this bloody war!’ Andrina’s sigh travelled heavily around the room. She
and Eloise were engaged in embroidering cushion covers that would be sent to a local fete, which was being held to help raise funds for the war effort.

They sat facing each other on dainty Queen Anne chairs, one each side of the French windows that overlooked the croquet lawn of Rossworth Hall. It was a pleasant room decorated in restful
colours – beiges and pale greens – and, besides the chairs, which were covered in a light-green velvet, two pink-and-green Regency striped sofas (also in Queen Anne style) stood against
the walls opposite each other and facing the centre of the room. Ornate occasional tables were placed in handy positions and held writing cases and pens, and workboxes with silk threads and needles
inside, and one was piled high with books. It was a room reserved for quiet activities such as they were doing now, or for reading – something Eloise did a lot of, but Andrina rarely bothered
with. Unless, of course, it was
The Queen
magazine, and then she liked to catch up on the latest gossip and fashions; but of late even that had been full of doom and gloom and ‘Your
country needs you’ type of jargon.

‘Don’t you ever feel a little guilty about that – the war, I mean? Well, and us being bored, while it rages? I know I do. I was talking to Mama about it and she was going to
look into what more we could all do to help.’

This appalled Andrina. ‘Us? Help? What – more than we are at the moment, by making these bloody awful cushion covers! Oh, Eloise, you don’t mean you think we should go to
France, do you?’

‘Why not? Edith has, and cousins Christian and Douglas; and our friends Martha and Jennifer have too.’

‘Oh, but Edith is a different case. She has a skill that is needed. And the boys had to enlist – it was the honourable thing to do. But what on earth have Martha and Jennifer gone
for? What can they do?’

‘They are voluntary aid workers, and they help out wherever they are needed. I’m seriously thinking of joining myself.’

For a moment Andrina was shocked into silence. This wasn’t what she’d expected. Yes, life was unbearable, with hardly any social activities to distract them, but to go and join in
and . . . well,
help
! No, nothing could be further from what she wanted to do. Oh, it was all so unfair. Why should there be a war now? Just as she and Eloise had reached the age when life
should be fun.

‘Please don’t join, Eloise. I couldn’t bear it. Anyway, what can you do that could possibly be of any help?’

‘I can drive. I can sew. And write – I love to write. I could go as a news correspondent, or help out in the stores doing inventories. Anything, really.’

Pushing her embroidery stand away from her, Andrina rose. Her world of boredom had suddenly become a world of fear. Eloise couldn’t go – she wouldn’t let her. What would life
be like without her? Even more unbearable than it was now. ‘Have you spoken to Mama about this? I’m sure she would have something to say . . . Look, I bet it is just the boredom of it
all that is persuading you. It is better when we are in London. Let’s talk to Mama about us going back there. At least something goes on there, even if it is just tea at the Ritz.’

Going to the window, Andrina looked out at the view. The rolling green landscape of the gardens was beautifully laid out, to a design by Capability Brown himself; clutches of trees – some
standing as tall as the house and others miniatures, with dark-red and gold leaves – surrounded by flowers of every colour made a beautiful picture. As a young child she had loved this home
in Leicestershire: horse-riding, playing games on the vast lawns, and feeling as free as a bird. But now the horses had been taken, as they were needed by the Horse Guards – God knows what
fate would become them. And playing games just didn’t appeal to her any more. She felt like a caged animal. Eloise hadn’t answered her. She had this maddening habit of staying quiet if
there was even a hint of confrontation.

Oh, I’ve had enough. I have to get out in the fresh air. I feel stifled!
As this thought died, Andrina saw Jay Tattumby cross the bottom of the lawn, pushing a wheelbarrow into
the kitchen garden. A strange young man, he fascinated her, and had done since the early days when he hung around the estate as a small boy, stone-deaf and unable to communicate with anyone except
their old gardener, who had taken Jay everywhere with him and had somehow found a way of getting through to him.

That had changed over the years, as Jay had mastered the knack of lip-reading and had patiently been taught how to speak by Mrs Tattumby, his adoptive mother.

His dark good looks told of the fact that he must have come from the gypsies. But no one knew for sure. The mystery surrounding him piqued her curiosity. Florrie, her maid, had told her it was
said that Jay had powers and could tell the future. The story went that he had been left on the doorstep of Mrs Tattumby, the local butcher’s wife, when he was just a baby, only hours old. A
gypsy camp had been in the area at the time and the gypsies had disappeared, so everyone assumed it had been them who had dumped him.

Florrie had spoken of Jay being unable to go to war, but wanting to, with a note in her voice that told of her attraction to him.

Andrina had to admit to feeling a ridiculous attraction to him herself. There was something about him. It was a magnetism she couldn’t explain. Lately she had made it her mission on
several occasions to ‘bump’ into Jay, and the attraction she’d felt had warmed into a desire. Damn it, she’d even fantasized about him, and had experienced a nice feeling in
her groin as she did so. Shame washed over her as she remembered exploring herself and intensifying the feeling, until she’d come to her senses and had risen from her bed, summoning Florrie
and asking her maid to pour her a glass of water. This action had calmed her.

Women were not meant to have such feelings and, on many occasions since, she’d had to resist the temptation to invoke them again. It had been the mystery of it all that had frightened her
and stopped her. Oh, she realized there was something to be done with a man when she married, but what it was she did not know. No one ever talked about it, not even when her monthlies started.
But, along with instructions on how to care for herself, she had been told by Nanny that, now she was blossoming into a woman, she would be able to have children of her own in the future.

She also knew that the parts she had touched were involved in this process, but how? She hadn’t ever looked at them. Not really – just a quick glance on one occasion when her robe
had slipped as she stood in front of the mirror. She’d been so afraid of being caught and looked upon as a shameful person that she had covered up very quickly.

Her fear had stemmed from the fact that Nanny had never allowed the girls to uncover themselves. They always had to wear a shift when they bathed, and a large tent-like garment that Nanny had
made would be put over their heads and draped over them whilst they dressed. Then, at school, there had been strict rules and chaperoning, and nothing had ever been said between her and her
friends. Even now she still wore a shift whilst her maid attended to her, washing and dressing her.

‘You’ve gone very quiet, Andrina. Are you all right, dear?’

A blush flushed her face as it seemed that her soul had been laid bare. ‘Y – yes, of course. I – I was being silly. I just don’t like the thought of change. I think I
will go out to the garden and get some air.’

Relieved that Eloise hadn’t suggested coming with her, Andrina left it until she was in the hall before she summoned the butler to bring her wrap.

Strolling across the lawn, she was shocked to realize that her heartbeat was racing with a mixture of fear at the impropriety of what she intended, and the anticipation of being near to Jay.

The flowers gave off a heady scent as she passed each bed, but none as strong as the lilies that grew in clumps around the pond and nestled in the ripples of the water. Hesitating here for a
moment, she smiled as she saw a frog on the slate surround. His neck puffed up as he pursued and tried to lure a lady frog, who was on the base of the stone fountain looking unimpressed.

I’m like you two in reverse, as in my ease it’s the female after the male!
What was she thinking? Oh God! She ought to go back – this was a silly thing to do. Turning,
she was about to march back to the house when she heard a cough. Swivelling back round and seeing Jay standing by the wall tightened the muscles in her throat. He looked more handsome than ever as
the sun gleamed on his hair, picking out the blue lights in the blackness of it, with his smile shining in his eyes.

‘I knew you would come.’

Embarrassment tinged her cheeks. ‘Are you talking to me? If so, please address me correctly.’ Oh dear, that wasn’t what she had wanted to say. She’d wanted to say,
Yes, I have come. I could not help myself.

His grin widened, showing his remarkably white teeth. Most people of his class had dirty teeth and an unkempt appearance. Jay always looked clean and . . . well, almost aristocratic. His stance
held an arrogance that would normally be seen in a gentleman of means.

‘I beg your pardon, M’lady.’ His exaggerated bow made a mockery of his words. ‘I forget my manners, in my eagerness to see you.’

Again that hint of a cultured person – not in his heavily pronounced voice, which gave away his deafness, but in his choice of words. Who was he really? Who had left him on the doorstep of
one of the kindest people in the villager Andrina somehow didn’t think it was a gypsy girl.

‘I forgive you. And it is nice to see you again. I was on my way to the kitchen garden. I wanted to pick some strawberries for myself and my sister. I know I shouldn’t pick them, but
I enjoy being in the garden, and I prefer strawberries to the usual fruitcake that we have in the afternoons.’
What am I babbling on about? He must think me a pompous idiot!

‘I will help you, M’lady.’ Opening the gate behind him, Jay bowed to her in a gesture that said she should pass through. Her arm brushed his as she did so, enhancing the
nervous excitement she felt.