All I Desire is Steven (4 page)

"Mr. Lorelle, I would like to talk to you for a moment," Dr. Russell said as he turned his back and walked down the hall. Steven didn't even have a chance to respond. Steven looked at Thomas who had a nervous look on his face. Steven then turned from the front desk and walked towards the hall where Dr. Russell was.

Dr. Russell walked to the end of the hall and headed towards the back exit. Steven followed nervously wondering what was about to happen. He didn't know if he was going to be fired or what. Dr. Russell had never really spoken to him during his entire time there, so he knew it had to be something related to him and James's breakup.

Dr. Russell walked out of the exit door and held it open for Steven to come out. As the door closed Steven awaited for his impending doom.

"So, I imagine you know why I asked to speak to you," Dr. Russell said.

Steven nodded. "To talk about your brother."

"Yes, look… I know I can't tell you what to do, and I know me coming to you like this is very unprofessional, but that's my little brother and I love him dearly. I just thought I would ask if you would go to him."

Steven looked at Dr. Russell in confusion. He had sincerity mixed with sadness on his face. He didn't call Steven out here to fire him, but rather to plead his brother's case.

"I would," Steven said, "but he hates me."

Dr. Russell shook his head. "He doesn't hate you. He loves you more than anything. He spent the whole night crying to me on the phone about you."

"Really?" Steven said. "Then why did he walk away, even when I said I was sorry?"

"Because from what I was told, you said some pretty hurtful things, Steven."

Steven sighed. "Dr. Russell—"

"Please, call me John."

"Okay, John. I don't mean to be rude, but I really don't think this is your business."

"You're right, but I know my brother loves you, and I assume you love him and I just want to tell you a little about him, if you will just give me three minutes. Can I please have that?"

Steven nodded. "Okay."

"Thank you. I know James walked out after you apologized, but you have to understand how hard it is for him. He's had AIDS ever since he was born. My mother and father had my sister and then me and five years later they had James. What we didn't know was that our father cheated on our mother and gave it to her, and she passed it on to him. It wasn't until he was born that we even found out."

"That's horrible," Steven said.

"I know, but even so James just dealt with it. He tried to not think about it and focus most of his time and energy on living life to the fullest and being successful. He always lived life as if it was his last day, until he met you."

"What do you mean?"

"In James's whole life he only dated one guy, and he was too ashamed to tell him, so he broke it off. He had convinced himself that he wouldn't live that much longer, so he thought it wouldn't matter if he never knew what love felt like, but when he came to my clinic a while back for a checkup, he was doing so well and responding so well to his meds, that I told him that he wouldn't be dying anytime soon."

"That's great news," Steven said.

"Not to him, it hurt his heart, because the thought of him spending the next twenty years alone nearly destroyed him."

"So that's why he looked like he was crying that day."

"Yeah, I know a lot of times death seems like the worst thing, but when you have to deal with issues like James, it's living that's hard. He is actually the reason I became a doctor."

"Why are you telling me all this?"

"Because for the first time in over ten years, I have seen my brother happy, I mean truly happy. I have seen him in love, and I have seen him laugh like I never seen before. I am not coming to you asking you to pity him, but rather just talk to him. Let him know that you see him for him and not his disease."

Steven sighed. "I truly don't know if we can come back from this, John."

John nodded. "I understand, but I will pray that you can." John then turned to walk away, as he opened the door and walked back inside Steven was left for a moment to ponder all that was said. He couldn't even imagine the type of life James has led. A life where you felt you could never get close to anyone, a life where you welcomed death. The very thought of James having to go through all of that hurt Steven's heart. He just couldn't even imagine what dealing with all of that would be like.

Steven walked back into the clinic and sat down at the front desk, but as he sat down his leg began to shake. He couldn't get the words of Dr. Russell out of his head. Steven tried to get to work, but he couldn't. He stood up and headed out the door.

"Where are you going?" Thomas asked.

"I just can't be here today." Steven said as he grabbed his keys and walked from behind the desk.

"But Steven—"

"Just cover for me okay." Steven said then left the building. He ended up going home and collapsing onto his bed. He realized that he didn’t want to be at work not just because of what happened but because the clinic was the first place he had met James. Steven couldn’t understand how something so good turned so quickly. He looked at the ceiling of his room wondering about life and death. He wondered how it would feel to have a disease that could kill you whenever it got ready or how it felt to be branded with such negativity for something you didn’t deserve. Steven always knew life wasn’t fair, but never could he have imagined it would be this cruel, especially to someone as sweet and gentle as James.

Steven lay in his bed and just reflected on his entire relationship with James; revisiting all the things that could have been done differently and the things that could have been said. Steven felt his heart ache as he turned his attention to his phone. He picked it up and the dial tone seemed to paralyze him. He lay there with the phone in his hand for what felt like a few moments before he began to dial the numbers.

As Steven heard the phone began to ring his heart began to thump. His foot shook nervously and his throat felt closed.

"Hello." He heard an answer in a stoic voice; it was surely James, yet Steven didn’t have the courage to say anything.

"Hello…" James said again. Steven couldn’t handle it, before he could even think of something to say, he had hung up the phone.  Steven's eyes swelled up with tears as he began to truly feel that what he had was over.

He curled himself into his comforter and cried himself to sleep.

The next day Steven found himself at work again, but he still felt the same way. He felt like he was in more of a daze than ever and couldn’t focus if his life depended on it. After a few hours, it was finally Steven's lunch break. However, Steven was in no mood to eat, but he yearned to step outside for some fresh air. Steven walked outside to the back of the office to see Dr. Russell outside smoking a cigarette.

"You smoke?" Steven asked.

"I try not to, but sometimes I need one." Dr. Russell said as he took another puff. Steven looked at Dr. Russell who looked to be having a pretty bad day as well.  Steven felt the awkwardness, to the point where he felt the need to explain himself.

"I tried to call him, I swear I did." Steven said as he stepped in front of Dr. Russell.

"I know, he told me."

"I just couldn't say anything. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to even begin."

"Look." Dr. Russell said as he put his cigarette out. "I know this can't be easy for you, and I know it's not for him but I think if you both really care about each other as much as you claim you
both
should be able to have an honest conversation and put your feelings on the table because truth is no matter if you speak on it now or later the conversation you have will not be an easy one." Dr. Russell then threw his cigarette butt into the garbage can and walked back into the clinic.

Steven knew what Dr. Russell was saying was true, as he headed back to his work station. He sat down for a moment until something clicked within him. He grabbed his keys and got up.

"Where are you going?" Thomas asked, annoyed.

"I have to go take care of something, cover for me." Steven said as he walked toward the door.

"But Steven—"

"I swear this is the last time, I promise I'll make it up to ya."

Steven walked out the door, but his walking soon turned into a sprint towards his car. His heart was racing as he got in and sped off.

Steven drove and drove, until he finally reached his destination. He jumped out the car, and ran towards the door. His nerves were on edge, heart beating harder than ever, and body shaking with fear. He knocked on the door to hear footsteps coming towards it.

"Who is it?" James said as he awaited an answer. Steven didn't answer for fear that James wouldn't open the door.

"Who is it?" James said again. Steven just stood at the door waiting for it to open. A few minutes went by, but no sound came from inside.

"You should go Steven." James said from the other side of the door.

"No. Not, until you talk to me. James, why didn't you just tell me?" Steven waited for an answer but it never came. He stood outside for five minutes until he sat down on the front porch by the door. Even though James didn't respond, Steven could feel in his heart that James was still by the door.

"James… I am so sorry that I said those horrible things to you. I don't know what came over me. That's not me and you know that, but now that I know the truth I am truly sorry." There was still no answer. Steven sat down on the porch and laid his head against the door. He didn’t know what else to say, but he just began to think on everything again.

Time ceased to exist as the sun slowly began to set and James had still not responded to Steven. Still, Steven felt in his heart that James was next to the door. As Steven continued to think, Dr. Russell's words came flooding back. If Steven and James were to work, they had to be honest with each other.

Steven couldn’t help but notice that the day had now turned into night and Steven decided he wasn’t going to waste any more time. He stood to his feet and began to speak.

"You know, James, it's interesting, how I always thought of myself as an intelligent and accepting person. Yet, I let ignorant ideas about something I don't even truly understand come between me and someone I truly care about. You know people judge me all the time for being gay and they stigmatize us and all I want is for people to try to understand. To get to know me for me and not my sexuality, and yet here I meet someone who has brought so much joy in an otherwise miserable life and I can't even see that I am just like those people I hate." Steven began to cry. "Please talk to me."

A few more moments passed, but then the door slowly opened. Steven stood up to see a teary eyed James looking at him.

"Thank you for apologizing." James said wiping his tears away with his hand.

Steven shook his head in disagreement. "Don't thank me, I owed you at least that."

"I just want to know James. Why didn't you trust me enough to tell me the truth early on?"

"Because," James said as he tried to compose himself. "I always feared the look."

"What?" Steven asked.

"It's the words, that can't even be spoken. It's the expression that is in someone's eyes. I always feared that moment. It wasn't even the words, you said to me because you thought I got AIDS from unprotected sex, so I didn't feel bad because of that since I knew it wasn't true, but when I saw that look in your eyes, my biggest fear and worst nightmare came to life."

Steven felt the tears coming back. "I was wrong, James and I know that, but look at me now." Steven stepped into James' face. "Look into my eyes now, you will see that I have nothing but love for you James. If you disagree then look in my eyes and tell me what you see. Tell me how I see you."

Steven stepped into James's face and stared at him boldly. He looked at James with more than his eyes, but with his heart. Steven soon felt James's arms wrap around him and hug him, while still trying to compose himself.

“I want to show you something," James said as he broke away from the hug and grabbed Steven's hand. He led him through the house to the backdoor. He opened it, and they walked into the backyard. James led Steven towards a hammock at the backyard. He let go of Steven's hand, as he got into it.

"Will you join me?" James asked as he looked at Steven. Without a word Steven climbed into the hammock with James and curled up by his side.

Steven looked up to see an amazing view of the stars. "This is beautiful," he said as he looked at the twinkling in the sky.

"Yeah it is. You know sometimes I just look up, and wonder about life. I think of all my dreams, and desires, goals, and ambitions. I mean, Steven, if you could make it happen, what is your biggest desire?"

Steven hesitated. "I don't know. Life has always been kind of simple and boring. I can't even imagine anything other than the simple monotony that I am used to."

"Really, nothing?"

"Well, I guess I always wanted to see the world, maybe go to Paris, and try some frog legs or something."

James laughed. "Frog legs?"

Steven playfully popped James on the head. "Hey, it's my desire! Well, let me hear yours since you're so great. What do you desire?"

James took a deep breath as he looked into the infinite sky. "Honestly?" James said.

"Yes, honestly."

James turned his head from the sky to Steven. "All I desire… is you."

"Me…"

"Yeah, you."

Steven shook his head. "But with everything you have been through, why—"

"I know if people heard that, they would look at me like I am crazy. They would say, 'James you have AIDS, you could die and stuff', but when I look back on my life, I just… there is only one thing missing."

"I don't understand."

"Ever since I was little, I always felt like a clock, just ticking and ticking waiting for time to run out, but it's that way of thinking that spurred me to be who I am. Steven, I have been all over the world, I have met some amazing people. I have done things that I may not have done if I hadn't had AIDS. It's a part of me. If I take it away, I wouldn't be who I am.