All He Ever Wanted (27 page)

“And did you not have lovers before me?” she asked, shaking her hair along her shoulders.

“Don’t be absurd, Etna. That is hardly the point.”

“It’s very much the point,” she said. “You have had your freedom.”

“I don’t
want
my freedom,” I shouted quite truthfully. “Since the day I met you, I have wanted no freedom.”

“But I have wanted mine!”

I stood in a panic of irresolution. “Where do they go?” I asked, pointing to a narrow flight of stairs.

“To another room. An attic room,” she said, as I pushed past her. “But there is nothing up there.”

The stairs were so steep, I had to use my hands. When I got to the top, I looked around and saw an attic room with gabled
sides that allowed me to stand only in its center spine. It was sparsely furnished, though there were curtains on the windows
at either end. There was a white iron bedstead with a mattress and a sewing machine cabinet. At the foot of the iron bed was
a cedar chest. I opened it and saw a folded quilt. I recognized the quilt as one that had once been on our marriage bed.

I sank to my knees and put my head in my hands.

After a time, I walked back down the stairs. Etna was still standing near the sink.

“I assume you know that Phillip Asher is a Jew,” I said.

She blinked. “Yes, of course,” she said after a moment. “You took a Jew as a lover?”

Her mouth opened and then closed. “This is beneath you, Nicholas,” she said.

“I’m amazed, Etna. I didn’t think you capable of such a thing.”

She was angry now. “How can you think my heart and mind not capable of accepting a Jewish man?” she asked, her voice rising.
“Of loving him?”

“The heart may love, but the mind does not,” I said fatuously. “The heart has no mind, and the mind has no heart. They are
two separate organs, often at war with each other.”

“You are deluded,” she said. “Your own mind, certainly, is wanting.”

“My
heart
is wanting, and I mean that in another way entirely. You knew that Phillip Asher was a Jew, and yet you said nothing, even
though it may have aided my candidacy to do so?” I asked.

“Stop this!” she cried. “You are a fool, Nicholas.”

“This is grounds for divorce,” I said.

The room went deathly quiet, as if awed by the pronouncement.

“You would not divorce me,” Etna said.

“I would,” I said.

(But why had I said such a thing? I wondered. I did not want a divorce. No, no, it was the
last
thing I wanted.)

“You are too rash,” Etna said, and I noticed that her hands were shaking.

“It is
you
who have been rash.”

She backed up a step and sat on the Chinese grass chair. The strength in her legs had at last deserted her.

“You have been coming here secretly for eleven months,” I said. “
That
was rash. You have lied to your husband.
That
was rash.”

Etna shook her head. “A divorce is a most unhappy act,” I said, bending to pick up my hat from the floor.

Etna made a sound, and if it was a plea, I do not know, for I had opened the door, walked out into the cold, and started down
the driveway. I found the motorcar as a blind man will make his way to a house he does not want to enter. I opened the door
and sat down. I gripped the steering wheel and would have shaken it loose from its mooring if I had had the strength. I flung
myself back against the tufted leather seat, and as I did so, a quotation from
Paradise Lost
rose up through the earth and the floorboards of the motorcar and mocked me with its precision.

…yet well, if here would end

The misery, I deserv’d it, and would bear

My own deservings.

(Book X, 11. 725–727; Adam speaking; in despair over the lost glorious world; knowing his descendants will curse him; wanting
only death. Some of Milton’s better lines, I think.)

The Hotel Thrupp

October 19, 1914

Dear Mrs. Van Tassel,

This is a difficult matter I write about, and forgive me if I assume unhappiness where none exists, but after having seen
your face in Mr. Ferald’s hallway tonight, as we were all waiting for our carriages and motorcars to be brought around, I
cannot think other than that you were shocked to find me in that house. I had met Professor Van Tassel earlier in the day,
but I did not know that he was your husband. Indeed, I did not know that you had married. I write to say that however pleasant
it was to see you again, it was never my intention to cause either you or your husband any distress by my appearance in Thrupp.
Had I known that you resided here, I assure you I would not have accepted the kind offer of the college to deliver the Kitchner
Lectures.

Having committed to this series, however, I find myself in Thrupp for the duration of the term. Worse, it would appear that
both your husband and I have been invited to apply to the post of Dean of the Faculty of Thrupp College. After seeing you
this evening, I am determined to excuse myself from consideration of the post and to return to New Haven as soon as the lectures
are over.

With warmest expressions of good will,
Phillip Asher

Holyoke Street

October 20, 1914

Dear Professor Asher,

Thank you for your kind letter of October 19. It is generous of you to offer to excuse yourself from consideration for the
post of Dean of the Faculty of Thrupp College, but please understand that if it were in my power to do so, under no circumstances
would I ever permit this. Indeed, I should take it as an insult were you to leave Thrupp on my account. Though I believe my
husband to be the best candidate for the post, his petition, and ultimate success, would be tarnished were his competitor
to have left because of a distant encounter with his wife. Please assure me at your earliest opportunity that you will do
no such thing.

Very respectfully yours, Etna Van Tassel

The Hotel Thrupp

October 21, 1914

Dear Mrs. Van Tassel,

Thank you for your prompt reply to my letter of October 19. I will honor your request, though I am not at all confident that
this is the right course of action. (It would appear that the deliverer of the Kitchner Lectures on the nature of private
gain vs. public good is no more able to answer a simple question of common decency than is a student.) Since that evening
at Mr. Ferald’s reception, I have wished that I had never heard of the Kitchner Lectures. My family has caused you enough
distress, and I do not want to add to it in any way.

I had occasion yesterday to meet your husband in the Hotel Thrupp. We had a pleasant chat, and as I had no indication from
him that he knew anything of past difficulties between you and my family, I said nothing to him at that time. It was an awkward
moment, however, one that may cause a breach of trust in the near future. It would appear that I am to dine with you at your
house on Sunday. Since it is entirely your decision how I should proceed in this matter, I await your reply.

Your most devoted,
Phillip Asher

Holyoke Street

October 22, 1914

Dear Professor Asher,

To answer your letter of October 21, I should just like to say that it was not your family who caused me distress. Nor was
it your brother. What distress I suffered was entirely my own, and I alone am responsible for it. I was of sufficient age
to understand the consequences of my actions and to accept them. Indeed, I have reason to be grateful to your brother and
to the circumstances of leaving him. A marriage to Mr. Bass of Brockton would have been disastrous for any number of reasons.
My relationship to your brother Samuel put a necessary, if difficult, end to that betrothal, for which I will always be glad.

As to the matter of my husband and future trust, I see no reason to discuss with him an incident of so long ago. I hope that
you will come to our house on Sunday and that my husband and I will come to know you as the Phillip Asher who has so recently
arrived in Thrupp.

With much respect,Etna Van Tassel

The Hotel Thrupp

October 30, 1914

Dear Mrs. Van Tassel,

I wish to express my deepest sympathies upon the death of your uncle, William Bliss. Although, sadly, I did not know the man,
the high esteem in which he was held by the entire Thrupp College community is only too evident. If I may be of service to
you in any way during this difficult time, please do not hesitate to let me know.

Your obedient servant,
Phillip Asher

Holyoke Street

November 14, 1914

Dear Professor Asher,

Forgive me for having taken so long to acknowledge your kind letter of sympathy. My uncle William was a loving husband, devoted
father, and an esteemed professor. He will be much missed. I am sorry, too, that you were not able to meet him. I am sure
the two of you would have enjoyed each other’s company.

Your humble friend,Etna Van Tassel

The Hotel Thrupp

November 16, 1914

Dear Mrs. Van Tassel,

I should not like to intrude upon your period of mourning except to say that I am sorry I did not attend the funeral service
of William Bliss. I thought, under the circumstances, it would be best to stay away.

With perfect consideration for your loss,
Phillip Asher

Holyoke Street

November 18, 1914

Dear Mr. Asher,

I assure you that you gave us no offense by not attending my uncle’s funeral service. There were many there to mourn him,
including, we were most gratified to see, a good number of his former students. This was, I think, a great testament to his
success as a teacher of physics.

I do not know when next my husband and I shall be able to invite you to our house for dinner. I find that I have been hit
unexpectedly hard by the loss of my uncle. Why, I do not know, since I had ample warning of his death. It seems to have opened
a vein of feeling that I thought I had successfully closed. My father died shortly after the unhappy incident with your brother,
and I think those two events and this one are linked in my heart.

I hope your brother is well. I should be grateful for any news of him.

Affectionately yours, Etna Bliss Van Tassel

The Hotel Thrupp

November 20, 1914

Dear Mrs. Van Tassel,

My brother is in London, having been seconded to the Admiralty for the duration of the war in Europe. All that he is able
to tell us about his work is that it has to do with astronomy and navigation, which, as you may recall, was his field when
he was teaching at Exeter. My brother emigrated to Toronto shortly after his relationship with you ended. He has been a professor
of Astronomy and Navigation in Toronto since 1897. Samuel’s wife, Ardith, and their four children will remain in that city
until such time as it is safe to travel to London. We all pray for a swift and just end to the conflict in Europe.

I must tell you that the memory of your arrival at my parents’ home on that snowy January morning is among the most meaningful
of my early adulthood. It was on that day that I first glimpsed the ferocity of love that lies behind the veil of polite comportment.
It was a terrible moment for all concerned, but one which I have carried with me for years. I cannot condone or entirely forgive
my brother’s behavior that day, nor have I ever understood it. Indeed, it was years before we were able to have an honest
conversation or correspondence.

Believe me affectionately yours,
Phillip Asher

Holyoke Street

November 23, 1914

Dear Mr. Asher,

I am deeply sorry to learn that I was, however peripherally, the cause of a rift between you and your brother. I hope such
a rift is well and truly healed. Samuel and I had a difficult, not to say impossible, situation, and he did what he felt was
entirely necessary. Over time, I have come to understand that decision and make peace with it. Samuel had many wonderful qualities,
and I loved him deeply. Whatever you saw on my face that day was genuine.

I do not remember seeing you in that house on that snowy morning. I daresay that my mission and my subsequent unhappiness
blinded me to the presence of everyone but your brother. I do remember a tennis game at the school courts, however. As I recall,
you hit the ball well over the fence and out onto the street.

I hope you will have a pleasant Thanksgiving in Thrupp, though I am sure you will miss your family in Exeter.

Your humble friend,Etna Van Tassel

The Hotel Thrupp

November 24, 1914

Dear Mrs. Van Tassel,

I am pleasantly embarrassed to think you recall that dreadful shot into the street. I confess I have never been an accomplished
tennis player.

Your husband has sent round a note just now asking me to your house for a drink at half past five o’clock tonight. I feel
I cannot decline, but I wish I could speak with you on the matter before I go. I look forward to seeing you should you be
there this evening.