All Good Women (39 page)

‘Two days ago,' he said as if she had interrupted another conversation. Then, taking stock of his surroundings, he smiled ruefully, and picked up the tea. Teddy warned him it was hot, but he drank with the dispatch of someone used to consuming acid.

‘You must be tired.'

‘Worn out.' He shook his head. ‘I guess she'll have a good rest in LA. So tell me, Teddy, how are you? Still at Woolworths?'

‘The Emporium.' How did she know Moira was in Los Angeles? He probably just assumed she would be visiting her parents. Where else could she afford to go? ‘I'm fine, Randy. Most, my family is OK. But my Pop died.'

‘Sorry to hear it.' He looked straight at her with those green eyes. ‘I hear Howard Nakatani got it in Italy.'

‘Yes,' Teddy nodded. ‘That poor family. But Roy is all right.'

They sat silently.

‘And your brother?' she asked.

‘Boyd was lucky like me, got out with a minor wound.'

‘You were hurt?' Teddy listened to the worry and disappointment in her voice.

‘You'd never guess. Knee injury. Hardly limp any more. That and the hearing in my right ear.'

‘That's terrible, Randy. I'm so sorry.'

‘Ah, I've seen worse. A lot worse, you can imagine. It's just good to be home now. So she did go to LA after all.' He shook his head. ‘And she'll be back in a couple of weeks?'

‘What, oh, yes, two weeks, that's right.' So much for her career with the OSS.

‘She didn't sound exactly eager to talk with me.'

‘What do you mean?' She flushed.

‘I called yesterday. Didn't she tell you? Jees, this is worse than I thought. I suppose she also didn't bother to mention my letter last month?'

‘No,' said Teddy, holding her back against the chair, ‘but we're not exactly married.'

Randy regarded her carefully. ‘Ha, not likely you and Moira,' he laughed shortly. ‘How's what's-her-name, Antonia? Still in the WAFs?'

Teddy nodded stiffly. ‘The name is Angela, but it is the WAFs.'

Noticing Teddy's change of mood, Randy smiled sheepishly. ‘Hope I didn't hurt your feelings or nothing.' He leaned forward. ‘Listen, Teddy, maybe you can get her to talk to me. I know it was crazy to have that fling. I know it was awful of me not to write. But I couldn't. I didn't know where I was. I didn't know whether I would come back. You lose perspective. The island is the only place that counts, the boundary of your life. I know it sounds nuts. But believe me, I wasn't the only one who couldn't write.'

‘Life's like that,' Teddy said, or thought she said. She wished he would go. She needed time to think. Maybe Moira was hiding him to protect her. Surely she had no intention of seeing him again. Or maybe Moira was confused, torn between them. Teddy's heart sank. This explained the weeks of hysterics. Vivian would understand. Did she know Vivian well enough to call her? Who cared? The world was falling apart and this oaf was sitting in her living room drinking tea.

‘Well, I won't take any more of your time.' Randy's voice was several degrees colder.

Teddy wondered how long she had been silent and then she lost interest. She stood with him and walked to the door. He opened it and she stuck out her hand. ‘I'm glad you made it back safe.'

‘Thanks. I think I'm glad, too.'

She clicked the lock, imagining him carrying Moira off in his arms. Ann was right about not answering the door to strange men.

What was wrong with her? She stood in the middle of the living room. She had been the one who lived with Moira all these months; who had saved her after the botched abortion; who helped raise Tess. She and Moira had built a life. At least once a day, Moira said how much she loved her. Sure, they had been getting on each other's nerves. That happened to any two people living together. She loved Moira more than she could feature loving anyone. And Tess was her god-daughter, almost her own child. This man with his flirty green eyes couldn't swing in and whisk them away. She would have to trust Moira. Walking into the kitchen for more tea, she tried to concentrate on the week's plans, but she kept hearing the doorbell ringing: she kept seeing that man dressed as a bear. Only one thing would keep her sane and that was a talk with Dawn, who wouldn't be back from Martinez for another hour. What could she do to hold together for another hour?

The garden was cold but hospitable and she thought how she had come to understand this subtle winter of California. She breathed slowly, concentrating on the small plot of land, grateful for the garden's distraction. When she first moved from Fortun, she thought San Francisco had no seasons. Nothing like the Oklahoma autumn which tugged on the branches and pulled off the leaves, one by one. Nothing like the roaring snows and the bright white nights when you could look for ever across the celestial surface of the farm. Nothing like the luscious hot summer, sometimes so green you could hardly breathe. But there were changes here. Indian summer led to a rainy, cooler fall and then into a period when trees and grass turned muddy grey. Everything looked asleep somehow, not dead or disappeared as in Oklahoma, but in hibernation. So Teddy sat in the garden considering the muted colors, thinking of the summer past and of the spring ahead. Maybe Moira was right; this garden would never return to normal.

The telephone roused her. Let it be good. Let it be Dawn. She ran into the house and the screen door smacked shut as she lifted the receiver.

‘Hello.'

‘Hello, Teddy?'

‘Oh, my lord, Wanda, it's you.
Where
are you? Are you out?' Teddy bit her lip. Did Wanda use prison terms like that? She would have to learn a whole way of talking about that terrible experience with her. ‘Are you in San Francisco?'

‘Yes, yes, we're here.' Wanda's voice brightened, hearing Teddy. Some things stayed the same. ‘We got here last night.'

‘Yes.' Teddy tried to maintain her enthusiasm. ‘Yes.' But she wondered why it had taken Wanda so long to call. Where was ‘here'? Clearly she no longer considered Stockton Street as ‘here' in the same way. Remembering her resolve from the garden — no regrets, just accept what comes — she thought how nice it was to hear Wanda's voice. Did she sound a little older? Or was she just tired? She wanted to see her so she would know she was really safe, really back.

‘How are you?' Wanda asked. ‘And Moira?'

‘Fine, fine.' Teddy spoke rapidly, evading the bruise. ‘Moira's down in Los Angeles visiting her parents.'

‘Really?'

Teddy laughed. ‘Really.' Eager to change the topic, to change the story, she asked, ‘How are
you
? When are you coming back? I mean, when can I see you?'

‘Soon, soon. We're not quite sure where we're going to settle.'

‘Oh.' In spite of herself, Teddy plowed ahead with a subject she had resolved to approach slowly. ‘I wrote you about Mr Minelli dying?'

‘No, or maybe we didn't get the letter. Things got horribly confused at camp finally. How sad. I thought he wouldn't last long after she went.'

‘But,' Teddy tried to keep her voice even, ‘he left the house to us. And the one next door is empty.' It was coming out all wrong.

‘That's wonderful for you, Teddy. He always liked you.'

Was Wanda missing the point intentionally or should she be more explicit? Teddy couldn't help herself. ‘What I mean is that you and your family could think about renting the Minellis' old house from their niece.'

‘Oh, Teddy.' Wanda knew it was going to be hard to settle back, hard to explain the changes she, herself, didn't fully comprehend. ‘That's a lovely dream. Right now, it's more sensible to be with the family, to stay near Uncle Fumio.' She stumbled, stretching for the old intimacy. ‘I want you to know how much I appreciated all those letters.'

‘Appreciate. What kind of talk is that? I'm your friend. I needed to be in touch.'

‘No, Teddy, you must let me finish. This is difficult to say.'

Teddy did not want her to finish. Her body ached enough from trying to hold on to Moira.

‘I need some time to readjust before I come back to Stockton Street, before I see you all. I feel like I was wrenched away and that I need to decide when I return. Do you understand? I have to feel stable again, like I'm not walking in quicksand where I could lose my heart with a wrong step.'

‘I understand. Sorry I was so pushy.'

‘Teddy, you could never be pushy. It's just not time for us to see each other. I did want you to know that we were OK — Mama and Betty and me. Roy is, too; I just got a letter from him. So tell me how you are? The job? Your mother? The garden?'

Dawn was saving a place
in the far corner of the cafeteria. What would Teddy have done without Dawn these last three weeks? Since returning from LA Moira had grown even more remote.

And it was impossible having Wanda so close and so far. Dawn didn't have any answers, but at least she was still here.

‘Hiya, kid.' Dawn patted the metal chair next to her. ‘Take a load off your legs on these commodious employee amenities.'

Teddy sat down, feeling like a stiff branch. The whole week had been a strain. Today she had a hard time breathing. She drank four cups of tea this morning, her mouth was so dry. Now she felt a dull ache at the base of her throat.

Dawn studied her drawn face. ‘Nothing's better, I take it.'

Teddy nodded, looking helplessly at the egg salad sandwich which she could not possibly stuff down her throat.

‘I see old Whitney hasn't given up.'

Teddy regarded Dawn curiously.

‘I mean today in the hall he was saying how nice you looked in green and how you should wear it more often. Did he ask you out again?'

‘To tell the truth, I don't know. I was too preoccupied to listen.'

‘You can say that again. You looked like a tigerlily being buzzed by a giant bumblebee. Hopeless.'

Teddy shook her head. She would get into trouble if she didn't start paying attention. Before she knew it, she would have accepted a date with him.

‘So let's get back to Stockton Street. What's going on? Has she seen him again?'

‘Yes.' Teddy pushed away her sandwich and gulped down the tea. ‘Third time this week. At first it was just to talk, you know to straighten out the past, to make a clean break. Then he wanted to see Tess. And tonight the three of them are going out to dinner like a, a …'

‘A family.' Dawn took Teddy's hand. ‘Oh, child, I am so sorry.'

‘You think this is the end? You think he's going to take her away? I keep hoping that she'll see through him. After all the things she said to me about him last year! I don't know what she wants.'

‘Maybe she don't either, honey. Being in the life is hard. Not everybody is strong enough. You gotta see it that way. Maybe she's not making a choice between you and Randy but between safety and …'

‘But to have doubts after all the time we spent together, it just doesn't make sense.' Teddy ignored Dawn's point. ‘I mean what can you count on in this world?'

‘Yourself.'

Teddy looked at Dawn closely, wishing her to say anything other than that. Friends, principles, the truth. ‘I know I know, you warned me to watch out. Maybe if I had listened, it would have been better for all of us.'

‘For Moira?' Dawn pushed her glasses back on her nose.

‘Yeah, for Moi, too, then she wouldn't have these pressures.'

‘You get me; you really get me.'

Teddy began to cry. ‘Oh I shouldn't; I'll embarrass you.'

‘You go on, sugar. It's good for you. And there ain't nothin that could embarrass me in this place.' She held Teddy's hand tightly in her own. ‘You gonna be OK. You got a lot of strength in that big self of yours.'

On Saturday afternoon,
Moira set
the table for tea. Four places — for them and Wanda and Roy's brother Stanley who had borrowed a truck to help move the Nakatanis' furniture from the house. What would it be like to have Wanda back here after all this time? For years, Moira felt that pieces of home were missing; but now she wondered whether it hadn't become a wholly different puzzle, whether Wanda and Ann wouldn't be the odd pieces out. Was this the same home it had been three years ago when Wanda left, eight months ago when she and Teddy got together, four months ago when Tess was born, four weeks ago when Randy got back to town? How would they all fit together again?

Moira wasn't sure Wanda would stay for tea. But she humored Teddy by setting the table. She was grateful for a dilemma unrelated to Randy. Could she concentrate on something beside her own problems for one afternoon? For the past month, she had been living two lives. When she was with Teddy, she felt loved and loving; it always seemed right for the moment. But in the long term, this life with its secrets and isolation seemed impossible. How could you raise a child like that? Was Tess just an excuse? Was she simply scared? Did it matter, if she loved Randy? When she was with him, the passion and affection and joy were tempered by doubt. How long would he stay this time? Did he really love her? He seemed to have grown up in the navy. He claimed he was completely devoted to her and to Tess. He wanted a family; he wanted to be a father. Did she love him or did she want a father for Tess? Horrible though it was, she sometimes wished the abortion had worked. Not that she would ever give up Tess. But if she hadn't been born there wouldn't be quite so many knots.

Moira swung back and forth. When she came home from an afternoon with Randy and sat down at supper with Teddy, she felt like a whore shifting camps. One of the most confusing parts was this man-woman business. When she was dating Randy the last thing she could have imagined was sex with a woman. And since she'd been with Teddy, she had stopped looking at men in a physical way. The urges seemed so opposite — the softness she felt with Teddy and the angular strength she enjoyed with Randy. But now, every day, she vacillated, unsure of whom she loved, unsure of who she was. Sometimes she could just forget one of them existed. Sometimes she pretended she was in a sane world and then one of them would break the rules and refer to the other. This usually happened with Teddy who needed reassurance. Randy was more confident because he didn't know the nature of her closeness with Teddy. Moira felt dizzy for although she was in control — both people wanted her — she felt completely unwound. Och if she could just put away all these feelings for one afternoon.