All for This (6 page)

Will beams at the mention of his pregnant wife. “Tired, nauseated, anxious to grow a belly so the whole world knows she’s pregnant. How’s Hanna?”

“Same. Tired. The nausea comes and goes, but cold washcloths help a lot.”

“Shit,” Will grumbles, looking to the door. “We have company.”

“Hi, boys.” Meredith is all smiles as she slides into the booth next to me. She smells of rum and her eyes are drunken and glazed. “I heard the good news about Nate Crane. Didn’t you?”

William stiffens. He and Meredith used to be friends—more, even—but after the way she treated Cally, he can’t stand her anymore. “I don’t remember inviting you to join us.”

“Where’s Claire?” I ask. I refuse to take her bait, and she scowls.

“I dropped her off at your mom’s.”

My jaw ticks in annoyance. “I thought you were going to spend some time with her before your business trip.”

“Don’t tell me how to be a mother and I won’t tell you how to be a fiancé. You are still engaged, aren’t you? Or has she come to her senses and left town with that sexy rock star?”

“Go away, Meredith,” Will mutters.

She ignores him and looks at me. “Is it true you rented the old Blackman house?”

“It is.”

“Well…I’m pretty sure once Nate Crane finds out your
fiancée
is pregnant with his babies, you’re not going to have the need for three bedrooms anymore.”

“Go. Away,” Will repeats, and I add, “What he said.”

She shrugs and slides out of the booth.

Will watches her go, only turning back to me when he’s convinced she’s far enough away. “She’s poison. I know she’s the mother of your child, but you need to find a way to keep her from contaminating your relationship with Hanna.”

Across the bar, Meredith is flirting with a young professor who’s new to town. Poor bastard doesn’t even know what he’s getting himself into.

“Congrats on the new house. I had no idea.”

“It was supposed to be a surprise for Hanna. I thought we could rent out our apartments and live together. I was going to take her there today, but then Nate showed up last night and I decided to wait.”

“Understandable.”

“I need a big favor,” I admit.

“Anything.”

“Hanna wasn’t the only reason I decided to get the house.” And I hate this. William has been my best friend for most of my life, and I’ve prided myself on never taking advantage of his generosity. “I’m talking to a lawyer about pursuing physical custody of Claire. I’m sick of her using my daughter to manipulate me, and I can’t stand the thought that she could take her away from me.”

“Of course. That’s wise. And you need money for the lawyer?”

“I have an offer for the club. Someone who’s willing to buy it.”

Will leans back in the booth and shakes his head. “Don’t be stupid, man. This is your future. Let me lend you money.”

I take a breath. Borrowing money from Will would make me feel even worse than this. I don’t want it to come to that. “Remember when I was looking into opening the club and you offered to buy in?”

“Sure.” His brows shoot up, disappearing under his messy mop of blond curls. “Are you saying I can buy in now?”

“If you’re interested. It would take a lot of pressure off, but I don’t want you to feel pressured.”

“Don’t even think about it. This is important, and I’d love to do it. What does Hanna think about the custody situation?”

I release a slow a breath. “I didn’t want to bring it up until I knew I could do it. We’ll have three babies under the age of one. Am I crazy?”

“Fucking nuts,” Will says. “But would you have it any other way?”

I grin. “Not a chance.”

I
DIDN’T
want to leave Asher’s until I was sure Collin was asleep, and by the time I make it to the dock, Hanna’s already there. She’s sitting against the railing, looking out over the water. Her dark hair is off her neck in a twist, and my fingers itch to toy with the little tendrils that have escaped. I miss the way her hair feels, miss the way her eyes float closed as I comb it with my fingers.

The night is clear and the moon reflects off her pale skin, and looking at her hurts so much that I wonder for a few breathless seconds if I can breathe near her, knowing she’s not mine.

“It’s a beautiful night.” I consider sinking onto the planks next to her but dismiss the idea. I don’t trust myself to be that close. I take my station on the other side of the dock instead.

“It is.” She stands and crosses to stand next to me. Her smell slingshots me back to weekends waking up in hotels with Hanna’s hair fanned across the pillow, her soft curves under my hands.

“Why are we here?” If the question comes out harsher than I intended, it’s because I’m desperate to get away.

She reaches in her purse and hands me a folded piece of paper. “Because I need to tell you about this.”

I unfold the paper and my hammering heart is blindsided by the black-and-white image. I can barely make it out in the moonlight, but I know what it is.

“Mine?” My voice breaks on the word.

“They don’t have to be,” she whispers.

I rip my gaze away from the ultrasound image to see her face. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’m telling you because it’s the right thing to do. But I’m not asking anything of you. I wouldn’t do that.”

“You think I’d just walk away from my child?”

“Children.” She points to two spots on the image. One gray lima bean and the other.

My breath is trapped in my lungs, and I have to close my eyes to remember how to breathe. “Children?” When I open my eyes again, she’s staring at me, trying to read my expression.

Finally, she nods. “Twins.”

My stomach feels like it’s stuck in an endless free fall as I study the little, colorless splotches in the moonlight. Twins.
My
twins.

“Does Max know?”

“Yes.”

“He knows they’re mine?”

A breeze picks up off the river, and a wispy lock of hair blows across her face. “Yes.”

“When are you getting married? Wasn’t that supposed to be soon?”

She shakes her head. “We called off the wedding. Postponed it indefinitely. I can’t move forward with anything like that until after the babies are born. Right now, they’re my only priority.”

“And then?”

She shrugs. “We’re engaged. I plan to marry him eventually. Just not yet.”

“Do you expect me to just walk away? Let you two create your happy little family with my children?” Hanna is one of three people in the world who could understand how much that hurts me. Yet here we are. Here I am—on the outside again.

“I don’t know what to expect from you. I just know the choice needs to be yours, and that’s why I’m telling you.”

My whole body tenses and an ugly laugh slips from my lips. “My choice? What if my choice is to be in their lives every day? What if my choice is to have them in my house? What if I want to be a real father and not just someone they visit from time to time? Are you giving me that choice?”

“You are their father, and I won’t keep them from you. But I am their mother. If you fight me for custody”—she lifts her eyes to mine and I see her determination—“I will fight back just as hard. You will lose.”

“What if I don’t just fight for my kids?” I ask. Vivian says I keep walls around my heart, but I would take a sledgehammer to those walls for Hanna. I would tear them down and stand completely exposed, all to get closer to her. “What if I fight for their mother too?”

W
ILL
I ever be able to look at Nate and not feel this painful tugging in my heart?

“Didn’t you already have your chance?” My fingernails bite into my palms as I force my hands to stay at my sides.

“I couldn’t fight for you before.”

I draw in a breath, and he opens his eyes to meet mine. The question I can’t ask pulses in the air between us.
Why not?

“What if I won, Hanna? What if I fought for you and I won? I’m not the prize here.
You
are.” He turns then, reaches out, and his fingers stroke the side of my cheek. My eyes float closed because it’s too much—having him here when he’s supposed to be dead, having him touch me when I’m supposed to let him go. “It would be different if you hadn’t chosen him, if you weren’t in love with him.” His fingers take my chin and tilt it up until I open my eyes and look into his. “It would be different if I didn’t know that you’re too damn good for me. I came here, and you had made your choice and forgotten me. I knew I didn’t deserve your heart, and I didn’t want to risk breaking it.”

I step back until his hand falls away from my face. “Too late.”

“That’s why you chose him? Because I didn’t fight for you? Come to LA with me. Be with me. I will fight for you every day.”

“Would you even say that if you didn’t know about the pregnancy?” My voice is cold even to my own ears. Instinctively, my hand splays over my stomach, where my babies grow. According to all the pregnancy websites, today my little ones are no bigger than the size of a kidney bean. Not much. Yet…
everything
.

“I’m supposed to be dead.” He squeezes my hand when I try to pull away. “As soon as we arrived in Afghanistan, I realized I couldn’t do the tour. I was a mess. I needed some time alone, so I went to India to join Janelle and left my agent behind with the other musicians…” He closes his eyes. “I should have been on that helicopter and I should be dead right now, and the only reason I’m alive is because I’m so fucking in love with you that I couldn’t face my tour. Don’t you see? You save me. Over and over again.”

I lick my lips and taste the salt of my tears. Maybe I’ll always love Nate, and maybe that love for Nate will destroy what I have with Max. But this isn’t about Max. This isn’t as simple as choosing between two men. I’m not willing to move to LA, and I won’t ask him to leave Collin to be here. I love him enough to let him go.

I understand the difference now. I’m not walking away from him. I’m letting him go.

“I want to go to your next appointment,” he says. “I’m their father. I want to be part of this.”

“Okay.”

“But do me a favor. Don’t bring him with you.”

I take a breath. “If I marry him, he’ll be helping me raise them, regardless of how you feel about that.”