All For Anna (19 page)

“You still haven’t
accepted it?”

I stared at the floor
knowing full well what she was asking. It was then that my courage disappeared.

“I meant what I said at
the hospital Victoria, and I mean it here tonight, so please hear me. You are
not
responsible for what happened to Anna. I forgave you for even the slightest
bit of blame that you could place on yourself for
our
accident. You did
more for her than anyone could have. I hope that you can see that,” she said,
tears streaming down her face.

“No, I can’t see that,”
I whispered back. I was shocked at the emotion swelling in my throat.

“I have prayed for you,
Victoria, that you would receive grace in place of guilt.”

I looked at her, but I
could not understand her. Why would this woman—this mother who had lost her
child—be praying for the person who caused her death? Her words were as
surprising now as they had been three days after the accident. Words I had
tried so hard to forget.

She had come into my
room just minutes before Jack and Stacie were to arrive to take me home. I was
frozen with fear, afraid of what she would say to me. I had killed her child.

She leaned onto her
crutches and slowly made her way over to where I sat on the bed, pulling on my
shoes.

“Victoria, I’m Johanna
Watson. I heard what you did to try and save my daughter’s life. I hope you
know how grateful we are to you for that,” she said. Though her eyes were
red-rimmed and puffy, she tried to smile. “I also know that this next season
will be hard—for both of us.”

Her tears started then,
flowing in one continuous stream down her cheeks. Her next words were piercing
as she held my gaze. “I do not blame you. I wanted you to know that.”

Pain radiated in my
chest, causing my guilt to exploded from my lips.

“I shouldn’t have been
driving…I should have turned around. I’m so…sorry. I’m so sorry…I tried…”

I couldn’t go on.

A second later she was
next to me, sitting on the edge of my bed. We wept together. Her sobs were
filled with unspeakable grief; mine were filled with undisputable regret.

“I forgive you. For
whatever you think you should have done and didn’t, I forgive you. Guilt will
get us nowhere.”

I wanted to hear her.

I wanted to believe
her.

But then I went to
Anna’s memorial…and my want just wasn’t enough.

 
“I...I don’t know what
to say to that, Johanna.”

“You don’t need to say
anything. You just need to
accept
it. I pray  you will,” she said,
wiping her eyes and smiling again. “I hope you can still enjoy your evening
tonight, it looks like you’ve found a very nice man.”

Kai.

Where was he now?

Johanna gave me a quick
hug, and then she was gone, leaving me alone to unscramble my thoughts. I
escaped into the bathroom and locked myself inside an oversized stall. Leaning
against the cold tile wall, I closed my eyes. I focused on my breathing the way
Dr. Crane had showed me, trying to visualize my exhalation like blowing away
the anxiety within. I hoped it was enough to stop the flashbacks. I was
desperate.

Suddenly, I felt a calm
come over me.

Stop running.

And there it was, the
voice that seemed to stalk me, the insanity that would not leave me alone.

I stood frozen for
several seconds, waiting for more to come. I waited for the horrible movie to
start in my head, for the pictures of Anna in my arms, for the memories that
would never heal. But nothing more came.

I opened the stall door
and went to the sink. Seeing the reflection of my dress in the mirror, I
remembered where I was—what I was here for.

 I remembered Kai.

I won’t ruin this night
for him...if I haven’t already.

 
I left the restroom,
trying to readjust my eyes once more to the dim lighting in the banquet hall.
There was someone speaking up front, some award for bravery being given out,
but I didn’t want to listen to that. I didn’t want to wonder if that young man
was Johanna’s nephew.

I searched only for
Kai.

I felt a hand on my
arm.

“Tori?” Briggs asked,
his face full of concern.

“Oh, hey, Briggs. I’m
trying to find Kai. Do you know where he is?”

“Ha, well join the
club. He’s looking for you, too. I think he just walked outside thinking you
may have gone out for some fresh air?” He looked at me skeptically.

I nodded and turned to
walk away, but my arm was caught and pulled back. I stared at Briggs. There was
no trace of his earlier light-heartedness on his face. He was all business now.

“Tori, I meant what I
said earlier. I’ve known Kai for a very long time and he has never talked about
a woman like he has talked about you. He cares a lot for you and you should
know he doesn’t play games. He’s the real deal,” Briggs said, dropping my arm.

I suddenly knew how it
felt to be on the receiving end of one of Jack’s
big brother talks
. It did
not feel good. I could appreciate his concern for Kai. I had similar concerns
for him, and yes, I was at the root of them all.

“I understand. Thank
you,” I said, looking at the floor.

I wasn’t a game player,
but little did Briggs know, that there were worse things out there than toying
with a man’s heart. The darkness I carried around was much graver.

“Good, then you and I
will be great friends, then.”

He patted my arm and
walked away.

I opened the hall doors
into the lobby, not sure which outside exit I should try first. My decision
though, was easy. I saw him, or what I hoped was his shadow, behind the large
glass door which led out to a deck.

As I approached, I
could see him pacing. I hesitated at the door, unsure of what I would say to
him. But then he was there, opening the door, as if sensing my presence.

“Tori, are you okay? You
looked really upset earlier, and then I couldn’t find you anywhere. I was starting
to worry,” he said, reaching for my hand and pulling me toward him onto the
deck. I could no longer hear the noise from the banquet hall.

He was worried about
me?

“Yes, I’m fine. I’m
sorry that I caused you to miss some of your party. No more interruptions from
me tonight…I promise,” I said, forcing my best smile.

“I don’t care about the
party. I care...about you. If something’s wrong, I hope you know you can trust
me.”

That was the second
time Kai had told me I could trust him.

Could I?

But something told me I
already did. I trusted him. I remembered what Briggs told me and my stomach
clenched.

“I wish
trusting
you and telling you the
truth
were the same thing. If only it could be that
simple.” I walked over to a wooden bench that overlooked the rose garden and
sat down. The sun had almost set and the petals were radiant with color.

I took a deep breath.

You can’t actually be
thinking of telling him…

But as quickly as the
thought came, I suppressed it, squelching its power over me for the first time
since I’d taken Dr. Crane’s hand. I would keep my promise to myself and to
Briggs. I would not hurt Kai. I was not a game-player. He had a right to know
who he thought he cared about.

“That woman...that
woman is…”

Fear was a tourniquet
around my chest, squeezing every last trace of air from my lungs. I fought it, while
trying to piece together my thoughts. I had to speak, but I also needed to
prepare for the inevitable: rejection.

“You can trust me,” Kai
said, sitting down next to me and putting his hand on my knee, stabilizing the
pain that hung on my next words.

“That woman...is the
mother of a little girl who died in a car accident just over a year and a half
ago.” I took a deep breath. “An accident...I caused. I’m not who you think I
am, Kai. A child died because of me, an innocent, beautiful child and nothing
will ever change that fact.”

My eyes were closed by
the end of my statement, but even still, the absence of warmth beside me was
unmistakable. He stood and walked toward the railing. A cold wave of shame washed
over me. I was convinced in the seconds that followed that outright rejection
was a far better fate than the deafening silence that enclosed us now.

I couldn’t expect Kai
to handle it.
I
couldn’t handle it and it was
my
life, my cross
to bear. His quiet presence was numbing. Whatever fairytale I had dreamed up
for this night had long since expired.  

Why I sat there waiting—or
what I waited for—I wasn’t sure. But I didn’t move. The voices that were
usually so quick to rush in with their guidance—the voices I had
silenced—refused to offer me any help now. I was alone, sitting silently in my
shame.

Kai finally turned
toward me, his face anguished and hard.

For a brief second I
feared him; the fire in his eyes was so intense. But as soon as his eyes found
mine, they softened. He didn’t speak. Instead, he strode toward me, each step
purposeful and determined. In one quick motion, he pulled me to him.

Placing his hands on my
face, he brought his lips to mine, kissing me so passionately that I thought I
might fall over from the sheer force of it. My body responded in kind, without
thought, without struggle. Heat that had started at my lips was coursing
through my body, growing hotter by the second.

He broke away for a
just an instant to search my eyes, making certain that I understood him. When he
found the answer he sought, he kissed me again. This time his kiss was sweeter,
softer, taking my breath with it.

When it ended, he
touched his forehead to mine. His hands had moved to my bare shoulders. I
stood, speechless.

“Thank you,
Pele.
Thank you for telling me,” Kai whispered, full of emotion.

“
Pele
?” I asked,
pulling away slightly to search his eyes.

“It means something
similar to
sweetheart
in Samoan,” Kai said.

Every cell in my body
felt raw and exposed; the kiss lingered on my lips, imprinting itself on my
heart. My mind was reeling, struggling to comprehend what had just happened
between us. I was so confused.

“Kai, do you understand
what I-”

“Yes, and there is
nothing more to say about that tonight. It’s not how I see you and it doesn’t
change how I feel about you. Do you need more proof of that?” he asked, a smile
tugging at the corner of his mouth.

He cradled my face again
and stared into my eyes before finding my lips once more. I stood there
stunned, captivated by this man. I did not understand him, but I knew in that
moment I did not want to lose him. Something was
happening
inside me.

That kiss was more than
just a romantic gesture…it was
connection
.

“Are you up for a
dance? I’m sure it’s started by now,” he asked.

“Yes, I think I am,” I
said, smiling at him.

**********

The banquet room had
doubled in size. A large wall had been pushed back, opening up the largest
dance floor I had ever seen. The band that played was incredible. It was hard
to take it all in.

Kai led me to the floor.
Holding me tight we swayed together to the music. The comfort I found in his
embrace was unmatched to anything I had ever experienced before. He was an anomaly.

The emcee announced the
karaoke contest and suddenly people were applauding like crazy. The singers
were asked to audition at a side panel for about sixty seconds before competing
on stage. The live band would accompany them in their song choice.

I saw several people
around us walking toward the front to claim a space in the try-out line. The emcee
went into more detail about how the winner would get to sing at a New Year’s
Eve event at some fancy venue downtown. The proceeds would benefit local fire
stations.

In an instant, two men
from Kai’s station were on either side of him, pulling him away from me. They
pushed him toward the try-out line, apologizing to me for his abrupt exit. I
watched them, thinking again of how easy and natural their relationships
seemed.

Kai passed his voice
test and had entered the line to perform on stage. He was only third from the
front, but already I missed his company. Briggs joined me then, standing at my
side. He clapped along with the music that accompanied the first contestant. It
was honky-tonk country.

Briggs tipped his
imaginary hat to me and winked. I was grateful to be in his good graces for the
moment. I wondered if the reason he stood beside me now was for Kai.