Alien in the House (32 page)

V
ANCE AND I HEADED
upstairs. No one was waiting for us. Under the circumstances, this boded.

“Com on,” I whispered.

“Yes, Chief?” Walter whispered back.

“Wow. You're good. What's going on? Where is everyone?”

“Everyone is in the Ballroom, Chief. And I'm not sure what's going on. However, we have visitors, and neither Pierre, nor I, nor anyone else let them in the Embassy. And the shields are up and active, I've verified.”

“Gotcha.” I headed for the stairs. Vance stayed close to me.

We trotted up as quietly as we could. Reached the second floor. No one was on it. Figured Walter had really meant
in
the Ballroom. No worries. We'd had, and won, a standoff here before.

Slunk around, keeping our backs to the wall. “We look ridiculous,” Vance whispered.

“Yeah? You feel free to just saunter on in then, Mister I've Got Your Rear.”

“Oh, no, I'm happy following you.”

Considered options. I could pull out my Glock and activate my Poofs, but that could be overkill. Then again, all the men who'd been with us weren't around. How to tell what to do?

“New plan, Vance. You go in, and if things are scary, you scream.”

“No way.”

“I'll come in and save you.”

“You'll save me last, after you save everyone else. I know where I fall on your particular totem pole.”

Hard to argue with the truth. “Fine. Coward.”

“You know it.”

Decided we needed to get closer anyway. Got to where I could see into the ballroom but they'd only see me if they were looking through the door at a certain angle. No one seemed to be doing much other than standing around.

Of course, that was reminiscent of the last standoff in our Ballroom. Sighed.

Jeff stuck his head out. “Stop playing around and get in here,” he said quietly, but with a lot of emphasis. “They're here for you. I think.”

“What do you mean, ‘you think'?”

“They won't let us talk and they have ways of ensuring we don't. My head hurts enough. I can read them, I think, and they don't like any of us other than Nathalie. And they are waiting for a woman, and I think it's you. Now get inside.”

Well, that seemed clear. Resisted the impulse to make a joke in a fake Nazi voice and instead entered as requested. Everyone who'd been in the two limos was in here, as was Pierre. Pierre was wringing his hands, probably because he was afraid we were going to have a fight and destroy all his birthday party decorations.

But it wasn't just them in here. They were all standing around looking at two women, who weren't really looking at any of them. No one was speaking.

One woman was taller than the other, and both were taller than me. The taller one, who I was also sure was older, looked like she'd stepped off the
Mad Men
set and into our Embassy. She was dressed in a very 1960s business suit, hair pulled back.

The younger one had just left a revival of
Dynasty
. She was sporting a suit with some serious shoulder pads and big jewelry. Her hair was big, too.

“It's a costume party. Who are you and why are you here?”

The taller woman looked at me. “Our message is for the leader of the American Centaurion people and her alone.” She clearly hadn't gotten the joke, nor had she taken it as an insult. The shorter woman hadn't either. They seemed blithely clueless—and not at all intimidated to be surrounded by all these men, most of whom were pretty big, all of whom weren't looking friendly.

Vance scurried over toward Nathalie, who was off in a corner of the room behind our two costumed chicks. Well, he tried. He made it near the women and was flung back. Most of the men I could see winced, and it was a “been there, done that” kind of wincing.

Gower caught Vance before he slammed into a wall. Whatever Vance had hit had been invisible, but I got the feeling that it was around Nathalie, too, because she wasn't moving much.

Studied our “guests” a little more closely. They weren't wearing anything that matched, specifically no matching jewelry. Nothing was obviously wrong about them, other than their clothing. Perhaps I was going out on a limb, or perhaps my brain was working at warp speed, but I didn't think they were from around here. Of course, it took television and radio waves a long time to reach the Alpha Centauri system. Or maybe they, like Jeff, just preferred to watch the older shows.

“Look, the last time a couple of gals from your planet showed up without an appointment, they tried to kill everyone. So, share your secrets or launch your attack, but you're not hanging out with me alone.”

The women's eyes widened but they didn't do anything.

“Oh, for God's sake. I'm Ambassador Katt-Martini. What can I do for you? But first, name, rank, and planetary number, pronto. Or I'm going to go through your Girls-Only force field and kick some serious Amazonian butt.”

The younger one shook her head. “This is not for . . . them, the others.” She indicated all the men. Shocker.

“In my opinion, it is. So, guys, what I think we have here are either two women who haven't gone out of the house or looked at a fashion magazine for decades.
Or
we have two Free Women from Beta Twelve, what we might now call the Planet of Possibly Not As Pissed Off As They Were Before Amazons. I'm betting on the latter, but that's because I hate to take the long shots.”

The women stared and the younger one gaped. “How—what do you mean?” she asked.

I rolled my eyes. “Look, girls, really, I have no idea why you're here, but I do know it takes a lot of effort to
get
you here. So either you're about to try to kill us or something, or you need our help. No one changes solar systems just to hang out. Oh, and drop the disguises, will you? You both look ridiculous.”

The taller one seemed to reach a decision. “Fine. Your guardians may remain. We were told about what happened . . . before. I can understand your hesitation.”

“Are you sure—” the younger one hissed.

“Yes. You are along to learn. And not question.” She sounded annoyed.

“I can question.” The younger one sounded petulant. I revised my guess as to their relationship.

“Look, can you two have the sibling squabble after we know what you really look like and what your names are?”

Now they both gaped at me. “How—” The older one collected herself. “Our mother said you were wise beyond your years. I see she was, as always, right.”

Their mother. I'd only met one Amazonian who we hadn't had to kill. I ensured I was standing up straight. The men with me noticed and did the same.

I gave them a short bow. “I hope your coming doesn't indicate that Queen Renata is unwell.”

“We're disguised!” the younger one said, while the older one looked ready to strangle her.

“Not really. Not to anyone who's met the Planetary Council, anyway. Seriously, change into whatever you really look like and how you really dress, and, once you pass along whatever your message is, I'll explain why you look wrong.”

The taller one nodded and they shifted. Both of them had short, spiky hair. The taller one was a brunette, the shorter one was blonde. They were both very muscular in an attractive way, though, and, as with the other Free Women I'd met, their limbs were elongated just a bit so that they looked out of proportion compared to a human or anyone from Alpha Four. Their eyes were just like their mother's, and also like the other Free Women's—larger, more elongated, and a dark purple.

They also looked younger than they had when they were disguised. Lifespans were different in the Alpha Centauri system than those of Earth, but I put them in their early 20s in terms of human years. All the Free Women resembled each other, but these two were clearly sisters—the only differences I could see were height and hair color.

And, as per how the rest of the Free Women dressed, they were both in
Xena: Warrior Princess
wear, complete with boots and weapons. Clearly no one on Beta Twelve really liked to branch out and try a new look, ever.

The taller one bowed at the waist. “Greetings to the great warrior, Kitty Katt, from the Royal Family of Beta Twelve.” She straightened up.

The shorter one now bowed at the waist. “Our mother, Queen Renata of the Free Women, sends her regards.”

“I am Princess Rahmi,” the taller one said when the shorter one had straightened up. “And this is my younger sister, Princess Rhee. We are here to help you celebrate the first annual of the future ruler's birth.”

T
HAT SAT ON THE AIR FOR A BIT.
“Wow. Today's just full of fun surprises. So, before we go down this rabbit hole, let me ask something—is this your mother's idea of a joke?”

The princesses looked shocked. “No!” Rahmi said. “We are here on business of state.”

“Uh huh.” Thought fast and furiously. “Um, Chuckie? I need you to clear out anyone who doesn't have the highest security clearances.”

“That would be me and Nathalie,” Vance said. “And trust me, we know what's going on.” Nathalie nodded. She looked worried.

“Okey dokey. Girls, first off, you are scaring the nice lady you think you're ‘protecting.' Let her out of your force field so she can be with her husband. Do it now. I will consider noncompliance to be an act of war.”

Rahmi shrugged. Nathalie ran to Brewer, who hugged her. “Thank you, Kitty,” she said. “They wouldn't listen to me.”

“No, I'd imagine they wouldn't. You're not a warrior.” Heaved a sigh. We needed this like Jeff needed a hole in his chest. “Thanks, girls. Now, I want the two of you to listen very, very carefully to my words. If you hurt anyone in here, men especially, I'm going to break both your necks.”

They looked shocked and both mouths opened.

I put up my hand. “Every man here is someone I care about. We have a lot of male operatives and every damn one of them had better be treated nicely by you, and with respect, my husband in more than particular. You are trespassing in my home, and if you ever slam someone I don't want you to slam again, my husband in particular, as I said, necks will equal broken. Got it?”

“Yes,” Rahmi muttered.

“Yes,” Rhee said, sounding hurt.

“Now, that that is out of the way, let's get onto the next fun facts. Your mother knows I'm married, who I'm married to, and that I'm not the one ‘in charge.'”

“She said you would say that,” Rhee replied. “She said that you were modest.”

Heard Chuckie, Reader, Tim, and the flyboys making coughing sounds behind me. Clearly they were crazed with the new power of not getting smashed. Ignored them.

“No, what I think your mother actually believes is that I'm smart. I know your mother's smart. And I also know that she didn't send you here for the reasons you've told me. They may be the reasons she told
you
, but that's not why you're here.”

The princesses looked confused. “Would you explain?” Rahmi asked slowly. “We have told you why we were sent.”

“Yes, yes, and my daughter's birthday is coming right up.” Considered a bit more. “Who else knows you're coming for a visit?”

“The Planetary Council, and the rulership of Alpha Four,” Rahmi answered promptly.

“Why are you the only representatives coming? If this is such a big deal?”

“Oh,” Rhee said with confidence. “I understand. You're offended that the others are not here.” She stepped closer and handed me a letter. “This is from Councilor Leonidas, extending everyone's well wishes and explaining why they are unable to attend in person.”

Took the letter, didn't even look at it, just held it out. “Chuckie, this is for you. Have a read, I'll want to know contents in a bit.”

“No, it's for—” Rhee started.

“No, it's not. You are not here for the reasons you two think you are. Tell me, do you have Rite of Passage tests and such on your planet? Things that prove that you're able to rule?”

Rahmi nodded. “Yes. We have both passed all of them with flying colors. Mother is pleased with our progress.”

“But neither one of you is able to represent your mother and your planet on the Planetary Council yet, are you?”

They both looked just slightly ashamed. “No,” Rhee admitted. “We are not experienced enough yet in the ways of diplomacy.”

“Oh, are you kidding me?” Jeff muttered. “This is their damn training mission? Tell me I'm wrong.”

“Nope, I think you got it in one. Chuckie?”

“Oh, it's all that and
more
. I could read the whole letter, but it's very long. Very complimentary, very babbling, very unimportant sounding.”

“So, read the code portion, if you'd be so kind.”

He cleared his throat. “Have lost regular contact with Earth. Fear sabotage from enemies on your side. Civil and solar system unrest prevents our sending any support. Sending best warriors in system under the only viable option. Mother says they need training you can provide, also says their helping you is payment for training.”

“I'm never wrong. Note, girls, that that was not a modest statement. So, okay, per that note, you're here to help and do what you're told. There are a variety of people here who will have the right to tell you what to do. I'm going to say their names, they're going to raise their hands, and you're going to remember who the hell they are.”

They both looked lost and concerned, but they also both nodded.

“Jeff, Chuckie, James, Tim, Paul. Get that girls?” More nods. “Great. The next group are the ones who you'd damn well better listen to and if they sound like what they're asking is urgent, you will do what they say, too. Jerry, Matt, Chip, Pierre, Len, Kyle. Got that?”

The princesses could not have looked more forlorn, but they nodded again. “Now, everyone else you see in this room are people you have to be incredibly civil, polite, and helpful to. You may question their motives and requests with me, or one of the men I just told you to listen to and obey, but you will not treat them badly unless we give you that order. Got that?”

More forlorn nodding. This mission was
not
what they'd been expecting. Sucked to be them. “Last but not least, there are going to be many other people you're going to meet. Some of them will fall into the ‘obey as you would me' category, some will fall under the ‘damn well listen and help and even obey' category, and most of the rest will fall under the ‘treat with the utmost respect' category. Failure to treat any of these people in the way you've been told will be considered a black mark and I will report it back to your mother. In stunning, Technicolor detail. And if you really piss me off, I'll be telling her that while I send your dead, mangled body back in a small bag marked Return To Sender, Merchandise Sucked. Now, can I get a ‘yes, ma'am, we understand,' please?”

“Yes, ma'am,” they said together, joined in unwilling and unhappy confirmation of the worst news in the world. “We understand.”

“Good job. So, next up, it surely sounds like the plan is for you to be with us for a while. Pierre?”

“I'll prepare two visitor suites for our royal guests.” He was practically vibrating with excitement. It wasn't every day we entertained royalty, if you ignored the fact that Jeff and Christopher were technically royal. They both did their best to ignore it, of course, and so did everyone else.

“They fall on the more austere side of the house, Pierre.”

Rahmi nodded. Rhee looked disappointed. She'd been disguised as a
Dynasty
extra, after all.

“Well, I'll prepare as we would for any other royal dignitary and then our two lovely princesses can tell me what isn't pleasing in their sight.” With that, Pierre dashed off, presumably to completely redecorate two rooms, if not the entire Embassy. At least it was something positive for him to focus on.

“You've made Pierre's day. Good job and look at that, a ticky mark in the ‘well done' category. It's your first, so treasure it. Now, next up, you get to shape-shift back into looking human, but you're going to dress like you're from this decade. Nathalie, please help them look appropriate. Jeff and I need to change clothes. Girls, while I'm gone you're not hitting anyone in this room unless they are actively trying to kill someone else, and ‘actively' does not mean ‘looking at' or ‘daring to be a man speaking.'”

“You need to change quickly,” Brewer said, proving either his bravado or how well he'd thought I'd impressed the new reality upon the princesses. “Jeff's due on the floor of the House in less than thirty minutes.”

Jeff nodded, took my hand, and we zipped off and up to our apartment. “You sure it's safe to leave them down there?” he asked as we raced into the bedroom and, most importantly, the closet.

“Yeah.” Let out a sigh of relief. The Elves had come through again. Full outfits for both of us. I even had a new pair of shoes, and Jeff had another trench and fedora.

Jeff started to get undressed. I helped him. Not to go for Sexy Time—we had a ton of people waiting for us and were about to be late to a huge political event—but because I wanted to be really, seriously, completely sure he wasn't badly hurt.

“I'm fine, baby,” he said softly as I dumped the trench, suit jacket, shirt, and tie onto the floor. “My head and chest both hurt a little, but it's fading.”

Ran my hands softly over the bruise. “This shot would have killed you, Jeff. It was perfectly aimed to hit your hearts, both of them.”

Jeff took my hands in one of his and pulled me closer with the other. “I don't care about this appointment, Kitty, so if you need to take time to relax, then I'll be happy to explain that we were late because my wife was shaken after someone tried to assassinate me and if they don't like it, they can appoint someone else to this position.”

Leaned my head on his chest, but not on the bruised part. “James was right. There's still all these other things going on and we have to pay attention to them, too.”

Jeff was quiet a moment. “You don't think this had anything to do with the murders Vance is worried about?”

“I think it might, but I think it's also got the potential to be Raul.”

“Raul could be here for a job, not just a vendetta.”

“True enough.” Slid my hands out of his and around his back so I could hold him tightly.

Jeff hugged me back. “Kitty, we've had close calls before.”

“I thought you were dead. Really and truly dead. The shot was so accurate. Bruno knocked you away and everything, but you were still hit.”

“Yeah.” Jeff sounded thoughtful.

“What?”

“Well, you said it yourself earlier—if the bird hadn't knocked me out of the way, the bullet would have gone into my head. Instead it went to the one place where, based on random occurrences, I had something in my pocket that deflected the bullet.”

“You think Bruno knew?”

“I think the bird was invisible to us almost the entire day. He'd never have been allowed in the restaurant, but that doesn't mean he wasn't there.”

“I'll ask him when he gets back.”

“He's not back?”

“He went after the shooter.”

“Hope he's careful. I don't want to end up having to avenge a Peregrine, and I know you, so I know if someone hurts one of your pets you're going to want to avenge them.”

“Yeah, but Bruno can probably take care of himself.” I hoped. Sent what I hoped was a message that Bruno shouldn't take any risks.

Jeff rocked me for a little bit. “If you're okay to go, we do need to get dressed and back with the others, baby.”

Heaved another sigh. “You're right.”

Jeff grinned as we pulled apart. “Love to hear you say that. So, onto our latest situation. What are we going to do with Renata's kids?”

“We're going to do exactly what she expects—bring them into things and force them to learn how situations, wartime and diplomatic situations in particular, don't always go according to plan.”

“You think that's Renata's goal?”

“Yeah, I do. Clearly there's trouble in the Alpha Centauri system. They can't reach us, figure, rightly, that we're in trouble, too. So they sent the only help they could—the kind that doesn't attract a lot of undue attention.”

“Two warrior princesses being sent to Earth wouldn't attract attention?”

“No, not if their cover was that they were coming to ensure that no one on Earth got pissed off because no one from the Alpha Centauri system bothered to attend Jamie's birthday party.”

“Oh, yes,” Jeff said, sarcasm knob firmly at eleven. “They'll fit right in for that. Maybe Pierre can find them a couple of Disney Princess gowns. By the way, want to give me the excuse for why the birds and Poofs didn't do anything when those two slammed all of us against the walls?” Jeff asked as we finished getting undressed and redressed.

“You weren't in actual danger. They must have slammed carefully, nothing looked messed up.”

“Yeah, that's only because Pierre had managed to scream out that the décor was for Jamie while he was flying through the air.”

“Whatever, it worked and everyone's fine. And that force field of theirs is going to come in handy.”

“I'm having a vision of the future. You're going to take them with us to the Capitol Building, aren't you?”