Yet no wonder he believed she didn’t have the strength to help him face his inner battles. But now she knew what she must do. She must listen to her heart and make the conscious decision to trust in him. That didn’t mean she had to let him manipulate her with charm or give up all her personal power. It meant she must put aside her girlishness and meet him on his level, as a woman.
She could start now by not reacting to his pushing her away. No, she needed to remain calm and trusting and show him that she would not be pushed aside.
She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. “It’s my choice, my life—my decision to make. You can’t decide for me what is too risky or too dangerous for me in matters like these. You’re closing me out and not even letting us see if we can make a future together. That’s what is not fair to me.”
He started, then stared at her as if discrediting his ears. Well, good—he understood now that she wouldn’t be fobbed off so easily.
Emily had taken all his logic and turned it on its head, and now Alex felt as if his whole world was turning and twisting along with it. “Well, what can I decide in regards to you, Emily? What would you consider fair?”
“You can decide if you still want me near.”
“But you know already that I do want you. That it’s killing me inside to even think of being without you. I need you like I need air to breathe.”
“Then I shall stay here, by your side, for as long as you feel that way.”
“But it’s not fair to you. I can’t be sure what kind of love I can give.”
“Oh, you are the most exasperating person. It’s not your place to protect me in this situation. It’s my decision whether to stay or not, based on if I want to. Just as it should be your decision to have me stay based on whether you want me or not. At least give me the choice to follow my heart. Don’t deny it to me out of some misguided chivalry.”
“It’s very difficult, Emily. I love you and because of that I never want to see you hurt, even by me.”
“Then keep me. Because if you let me go now, you’ll surely break my heart.”
“I might break it a lot worse in the long run.”
Her full, red lips curved into a smile. “I am willing to take a chance on us.”
“And what if I fail you? What then, Emily?” Alex watched with his heart in his throat, waiting to see the impact of his words upon Emily. Her sweet expression turned pained as her finely etched, dark red brows drew together. She touched his arm and her warmth transferred directly to his heart. “You have a distorted view of yourself. I’ll never believe you are corrupt.”
Her sherry-brown eyes stared into his, shining with a woman’s faith and strength. He wanted to draw on that strength and faith and warm himself with it forever. He wanted to believe in what he saw there. But he feared leaning on anyone, especially her. He feared draining her, corrupting her, and turning her into what he was.
“But what if you’re wrong, Emily? You’ll be the one to pay the price.”
“I am willing to take the gamble. I have learnt that I must let my heart guide me in my decisions. I won’t be ruled by fear any longer and I will fight this darkness that holds you in its grip.”
The determination in her voice, in her lovely eyes, warmed him even more. At the same time, it made him restless. He stood, walked to the window and brushed the curtains aside. Light snow flurries swirled in the air, falling haphazardly, just like people knocked about by the forces of life. Randomness had taken him to Turkey, to slavery. But randomness had also made him a very wealthy man and randomness had brought him Emily. She was a treasure he didn’t deserve, but what if he set her apart from him and she was hurt by some randomness of life and he wasn’t there to protect her, as he had been there today?
Maybe she had a point about the unfairness of taking away her freedom of choice. Maybe it would hurt her too much to set her aside now. Maybe she was his angel, sent here for him alone. To heal him. And he wanted her so desperately. Damn, what was the right or wrong in this situation? Maybe there was no absolute right or wrong.
And what of all the ways in which marriage could hurt her? What if a husband were to shame her over her sensual nature? What if a husband were to neglect her sexually or emotionally? Abuse her physically? Deny her the means and freedom to fully develop and express her artistic talents? Once she was someone’s
cara spousa
, she would be their legal supplicant. After that, there would be no possible way for Alex to make sure she didn’t suffer under such tyranny. Unless he were her husband.
What a thought that was…
He turned and faced her. “How much of a chance are you willing to take?”
“As much of a chance as you are willing to take with me.”
He went to his desk, opened the top drawer and retrieved a small box. Then he returned to where she sat on the settee and dropped to his knee. He took her delicate, long-fingered hand into his. The hand of an elegant lady. He looked up into the face that was the most beautiful in the entire world to him. “Would you be willing to marry me?”
Her eyes widened and her mouth parted slightly. The moments hung suspended. She had to say yes. She had to. The ardency of his inner words stunned him and then he knew that he had been deceiving himself. He never would have been able to put her from him.
She nodded slowly, biting her lip.
He took her hand. “Sweetheart, let me hear you say yes.”
Her face broke into a wide smile, all red, luscious lips and dazzling white teeth. She nodded vigorously. “Yes, yes, yes.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck and flung herself at him, taking him by surprise and nearly knocking him over.
“Wait, wait,” he said, reaching for her hand. He removed the ring from the box and slipped it onto her finger. The ruby stone glowed richly in the firelight. “It was my mother’s and it would please me if you’d wear it. But if you’d truly like something else, you shall have it.”
She pulled her left hand in front of her face and stared at the ring. “No, it’s perfect.” She glanced back up at him and smiled. “I adore it.”
“And I adore you, my angel.” He put his lips to hers and kissed her long and lingeringly. And he vowed that he would make her happy. He would prove himself worthy of her faith. He would prove himself worthy of his angel.
Also available from Total-E-Bound Publishing:
Grey’s Lady
Natasha Blackthorne
Excerpt
Chapter One
Philadelphia, PA
Spring, 1812
Grey couldn’t keep his eyes off her. Philadelphian women were the cream of the Republic, but damn if this one didn’t exceed all previous definitions. Curling wisps of hair escaped from her indigo bonnet and trailed down her graceful neck. He’d never seen hair that colour—like champagne shimmering in the moonlight.
She looked up, giving him his first full sight of her face. Sky blue eyes, full of aching, longing…and something else. Abject sadness.
Haunting.
Something caught in his chest. Something reminiscent of pleurisy. Well, it wasn’t surprising. Philadelphia air was notoriously insalubrious and the day was oppressively damp. He blinked, glancing away. Was he losing his wits? Haunting eyes? What romantic nonsense. If he didn’t know better, he’d think he was getting a fever.
He glanced at his pocket watch. God, time was crawling. He’d arranged this series of lectures to entice potential investors, and last week in Boston had been most profitable. However, today, Mason’s Bookstore was packed with adolescent boys who sat with their mouths agape listening to local captains recount tales of privateering glory. His own speech on how and why to invest in a voyage had been met with yawns and bobbing heads. What a waste of an afternoon.
Shifting in his seat, he sensed her gaze. Lingering. Burning him. Against his will, he turned back to her. Those eyes seemed to reach across the room, directly into him, to touch his emptiness.
What a fanciful notion. His wits
must
be addled.
She didn’t drop her gaze, as a modest woman might. Instead, she appraised him, boldly weighing and measuring. A hint of her tongue flirted along the seam of her pink lips. Her eyes smouldered as if she’d read his every erotic longing and fantasy in his face.
He shifted again, trying to adjust for the heated blood rushing into his cock. The corners of her mouth turned up and humour glinted in her eyes. Clearly, she found his interest amusing. She found
him
amusing.
By God, then, I’ll have her beneath me, writhing and begging me to fuck her.
Damned if he wouldn’t.
The fervour of his thoughts shocked him back to his senses. People were talking and laughing and moving around. The lecture was over. He got up to leave, but he found himself standing at the windows, transfixed by the rain sheeting down.
“My goodness.” The breathy, feminine voice hit him low in his gut and he didn’t have to look to know who’d spoken. Something primal pounded through his blood. An urge to turn, grasp her by the back of her hair and kiss her with such brute force she would run.
Shaken, he took several long, deep breaths before he trusted himself enough to turn to her. He looked down to where her head barely met his shoulder and suddenly he was drowning in those azure eyes.
“It’s so hard, isn’t it?” she said in breathy, bedchamber tones.
“Pardon me, Madam?”
“The rain. It’s coming down so hard today. Buckets and buckets full.” Her voice sounded sincere but her eyes glimmered with mirth.
“Yes, it is.” He kept his tone cool, polite.
She stood so close his arm almost touched her breast. So close her tangy, sweet gardenia-like scent became intoxicating.
“Pardon me, Madam, but do you have some question about investing in a privateer venture?”
“Oh, no, they answered all my questions in the lecture.”
“But how could they have? You came in after the part about investing.”
“I didn’t really have any particular questions—I come to all the lectures here.” She glanced at the chalk board on the opposite wall, where the names of the lecturers were posted. “You are Mr Asahel de Grijs Sexton of New York?”
“At your service.”
“Your middle name means grey…like your eyes. Correct?”
“Yes. It’s Dutch.” It had been his mother’s maiden name.
“And you’re here to invest in privateering voyages for the expected war?” She took hold of the curtain’s thick, gold, braided cord.
“I own some ships and take on investors. I also invest in other voyages. It’s a numbers game, for safety.”
She gave a soft sigh… No, it was more like a moan. A lush, bedroom sound that made his lower belly tighten.
“Well, I was wondering…” She caressed her fingers up and down the braided cord in a way that could only be described as suggestive. Sinfully so. Right here in the book store.
A tide of lust like he had never felt before swept through his blood and stiffened his cock.
“I—I was wondering…” She trailed her fingers one last time before she dropped the cord. A half-smile curved her lips.
“Yes, Madam?” The steadiness of his voice amazed him.
“Could you—” She drew her lashes down as she spread her lips in a slow, sensual smile. “Would you be so kind as to give me a ride in your carriage?”
Her inflection left no doubt what kind of ride she meant.
What true gentleman could disappoint a lady? He offered her his arm. “Come, then.”
She raised fine, pale-gold brows. “I cannot be seen leaving here in your company.”
“Then what?”
“Drive around the block and wait there. I shall come along presently.”
“It’s raining like the flood. You cannot walk in that.”
“Do you think I shall melt?” Her deep and throaty laugh resonated deep in his balls.
“I think a gentleman doesn’t expect a lady to walk in the rain.”
She laughed again. “Oh, but I am not a lady.”
“Don’t talk like that.” His harsh tone puzzled him. Where had it come from?
“Did my fine silk gown fool you?” She plucked her coarse woollen skirt. Her fingerless nankeen gloves revealed digits reddened as though they habitually spent hours soaked in lye. The sharp contrast with her refined loveliness made his throat burn and he swallowed tightly.
She sighed. He glanced up. Her eyes were sad again and her emotion seemed to touch him in places he’d forgotten had existed. Damn, she was beautiful. How many times had he repeated that today? God, he was making a jackass of himself. But what did she really want from him? She was bold, yes, but she lacked the hardened look of a girl on the town. Maybe poverty had forced her into temporary whoring.
“You need money?” The hoarse terseness of his whisper surprised him.
“I don’t want your money.” She turned her gaze to him. Bold, blue and full of unmistakable longing. “I only want a ride.”
* * * *
Alone with her in the carriage, Grey took her hand and caressed it. Her fingers grated roughly against his. The burning sensation returned to his throat, making him cough. Her eyes were full of that earlier sadness. And longing. Compassion and sympathy flooded him, rendering him incapable of thinking clearly. Making him aware of his own sadness, the emptiness that had been with him so long he’d forgotten it was even there. It was getting to be unnerving. As if there was a cord attached to his innards that she could yank at will.
What the devil was he getting into here?
He kept his life orderly. Free of emotional entanglements and excess. He certainly never spent time indulging his more maudlin emotions. And yet, right now, the combination of sympathy and sexuality was overpowering. Irresistibly seductive.
Maybe he was turning sick. Maybe he was lying in bed right now, delirious with fever.
He squeezed her hand. “What is your name?”
“Beth.”
He exhaled her name, cupping her face and rubbing his thumbs over the hollows beneath her cheekbones. The sensation was pure luxury, the texture of her skin like satin cream.
She closed her eyes, lifted her face. Barely aware he moved still closer, he felt her soft mouth under his with a sense of shock. She moaned and opened her mouth, all hot, wet and spicy-sweet, like mulled cider against his tongue.
He moved his hands down her back against the coarse wool of her bodice, pulling her closer. The folds of his cravat rustled, crisply crushing. She cried out.
Damn—his cravat pin
. He leaned away, stripped his coat off, plucked out the offending pin and came back to her. She laughed and tugged at his cravat until it came loose. Her grip tight on the two loose ends, she pulled him close to her face and held him in place.
Her taste was so intoxicating. He ravished her mouth without mercy. She returned his strokes measure for measure until they were forced to stop and pant for breath. Fuck, she was so intense. So willing and wanton and womanly. Her fire consumed him. Part of him—the gentlemanly part—watched appalled as he hooked his fingers around the damp hem of her coarse woollen skirt and pushed it up in one swift motion, baring her to the waist. She gasped, then laughed again.
Her legs, milky white, long and lovely, parted to reveal the pale gold and pink shell of her cunt. He glided his fingertips over her inner thigh. Damn, she had amazing skin. The equal of any lady’s he’d touched. He slid his hand higher, into her apex. She pressed up to meet his fingers, writhing and drenching him with her honey.
He slipped two fingers inside the irresistible, liquid heat. She clenched tight and his cock twitched with impatience. God, he had to be inside her. Now.
She reached for the fall of his pantaloons but he shoved her hands away and wrenched his buttons open. He pressed her back into the plush velvet cushion, then positioned himself for entry. Her hips arched and she sheathed his length in one swift, slick slide. Her sharp cry pierced his ears and he brought his lips down swiftly on hers. She gripped his shoulders fiercely as he moved deep, fast, hard. Her hips met his, thrust for thrust. Her legs gripped his waist to propel him deeper, until the head of his cock banged against the mouth of her womb. At her appreciative cry he continued, fucking her with a brutal abandon.
The smell of their sweat and sex filled the closed, humid carriage. This was what a fuck should be. Always.
Her wet heat convulsed around his hardness, the waves of her pleasure long-lasting and violent. He must withdraw. Now. He tore his mouth away from hers as something between a groan and a sob forced its way past his lips. His whole body shuddered as he withdrew, releasing his seed on her thigh in furious jets.
He touched his forehead to hers. “Dear God.”
* * * *
Beth sat in the farthest corner of the carriage and cast a sideways glance at her dark-haired stranger. The angular cut of his cheekbones and strong, imperious jaw gave him an air of granite-hewn arrogance.
His pale grey eyes cut into her. Hidden behind her worldly-woman smile, her heart fluttered. As if she’d just experienced her first true kiss. As if she’d been truly touched for the first time.
The horses’ hooves. The rain beating on the roof. The distant thunder. The rustle of her skirts as she drew her legs up underneath her. All of them sounded unnaturally loud.
She felt raw, exposed, bleeding.
And she had no one else to blame but herself.
She’d gone to the lecture to meet him. He was an excellent conquest. Blue-blooded, obscenely wealthy, the owner of Sexton Shipping, politically connected and powerful. Once, when she’d been too young to know better, she’d allowed herself to be seduced by a wealthy gentleman. He had promised eternal love, then abandoned her. A bitter lesson but one she’d learnt well. Now she was the seducer. She was very particular, choosing the handsomest and wealthiest of men. To know she could tempt any man of her choosing, even dressed in her shabby clothes, added a perverse thrill, made her dizzy with power. Conquest and control often proved a headier thrill than love.
Then, too, there was the erotic pleasure. She’d always been weak to her sensual drives. Her mother’s wild blood, some would say.
But today it had not been only Sexton’s wealth or handsomeness that had drawn her. It had been the way his frosty eyes had cut into her, stripping her bare of all her secrets. And how they had warmed to silver, shining with such empathy. It was as if he
knew
her, as if he could see all her faults, all her weak longings and petty spites. Even the tears she shed at midnight, silently into her pillow. And he didn’t judge her for any of it. After that moment of rare soul-to-soul connection, she had to know him. And that had been the problem.
Of course, he had succumbed. Men always did. But today had been different. Her
need
to experience him gave him a power over her that made her throat go dry and her palms slick. It was time to part ways. She always cut the strings after one encounter. Always left them wanting. It made the conquest all the sweeter.
She flicked the curtain open and gazed out, trying to determine their location. There was nothing to see but the water and grey, rainy sky. She turned back to the gentleman. “Asahel—”
“Grey.” His voice, deep and strong, reverberated in her stomach.
“Grey, I am desperately late getting home.”
He reached back and tapped the carriage wall. “You are not so very late. This normally takes longer.” He paused and grinned. “A lot longer.”