Alex (In the Company of Snipers) (9 page)

He grinned. Food did seem to be an integral part of the conversation. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have teased.”

“I feel safe with you,” she declared, “and you aren’t creeping me out with that scary question either. I never thought you were like Hannibal Lecter. Sheesh. What a question.”

For some odd reason, his stupid heart flipped at her scolding. Kelsey was comfortable to be around tonight. Even as beat up as she was, she trusted him. Glancing out of the corners of his eyes, he felt drawn to her. There was something familiar he couldn’t place, like he had known her a long time ago.

“It’s odd though.” She stretched her fingers in front of her. “I can remember someone like Hannibal Lecter, but not my last name.”

“You’ll remember. Don’t worry.” That familiar pang of recognition poked him again.

“So, anyway.” She changed the subject as she ruffled Whisper’s mane. “Tell me about your dogs. They’re beautiful. Where’d you get them?”

“A friend left them to me in his will.”

“His will?”

“Yes. Max was an old Army canine handler. He used to adopt the dogs he worked with when he got the chance. One night, he showed me how smart they are. Little did I know it was a job interview. Long story short—Max got cancer last year, died and left me his dogs.”

“They’re such good boys.” She stroked the sleeping black mutt beside her. “Max gave you a special gift, didn’t he?”

“Guess so.” Alex smacked Smoke on the butt as the dog strolled by. Smoke was instantly ready to play. “They’re good company. Smoke’s the clown. Whisper’s the thinker.” Alex wrestled with Smoke a couple minutes longer. Whisper just as ready to join in, but Alex gave them a quick command, and they settled down.

“Sounds like you live a very interesting life.”

Yep. That was him all right, interesting to the bone.

Kelsey grimaced as she fingered the back of her head. “Ouch. Would you mind if I warm a pan of water when we go in, so I can wash my hair? It’s really gross.” She made another funny face, and again, his heart kicked into overdrive. He hadn’t felt like this in a long time.

“Let me do that for you.” He offered his arm as they stood to go into the cabin. It was not a big deal. He had done this a thousand times with women of all ages. It was just the polite thing to do, but when Kelsey said, “Thanks,” and took hold of his arm right at the bend of his elbow, it was an entirely new feeling. He looked down at her, still so battered that she could only see out of one eye, but he felt like he was looking at a woman of royalty. There was a quality about her he couldn’t see or touch, yet it was there. She glanced up at him, blinking shyly like she didn’t want him to look at her. He couldn’t stop.

Opening the door, he stepped back so she could enter first. He brushed the nonsensical feeling away, retrieved his rifle from its resting place and went into the cabin behind her. After he replaced his weapon on the high kitchen cupboard top, he filled a large pan with water, and set it on the camp stove to heat. She sat waiting on the cot while he set up a makeshift washbasin on the counter for her use.

“You’re quite the gentleman, aren’t you?” she asked shyly.

“Nah.” His cheeks warmed at her unexpected compliment. “I picked up a clean shirt and some shampoo for you when I was out this morning, and a hairbrush, too. Let me know if you need anything else.”

Alex headed for the door, intending to clean up around the fire and take the dogs for a quick walk. He didn’t get far. As soon as he glanced back, he knew she would need help. She stood gripping the counter for support. The last thing he needed was for her to get a cracked skull on top of everything else.

“On second thought, how about if we do it this way instead?” He stepped back to her side and moved everything to the table. Leaning the only chair in the place against the table’s edge, he made a small flourish with both hands toward the improvised beauty salon. “You sit here. I’ll tip the chair back and wash your hair for you. Last chance offer, ma’am.”

“Do you call all women ma’am, Mr. Stewart?” she asked timidly.

“Only ladies.” He winked, and she blushed again. “Please call me Alex.”

Kelsey turned away from him, a shadow darkening her face. “No, it’s okay. I’ll figure something out.”

“Come on now. It will only take a couple minutes. We’ll be done before you know it.”

“Well.” She glanced at him and then the chair, biting her lower lip in uncertainty. “If you really don’t mind.”

“Not at all.” He held the chair while she made herself comfortable. Within minutes, he had her tilted back and was pouring warm water over her head and into the washbasin. He poured a small bit of the baby shampoo onto his hands, and then worked the shampoo through her long dirty hair. Instantly it transformed into fudge-colored silk. Alex felt Kelsey relax when he massaged her scalp. With a sigh, her nervousness faded, and just as quickly, he relaxed, too. The clumps of dried blood and dirt dissolved. Very gently, he traced the cut at the back of her head with his fingertips. Jagged, nearly two inches long, it sat just above her neck. Overall, she was lucky she hadn’t gone into shock considering all she had been through.

“I’m not hurting you, am I? You’ve got a good sized cut back here.”

“No, it feels good.” She sounded sleepy. “So tell me more. Are you married? Any kids, or are those dogs your kids?”

It was an innocent question that he had certainly answered enough in the past. Why it affected him differently tonight, he didn’t know. Something about Kelsey made him want to explain. “Three times. Once for love. Twice for nothing. One daughter.”

She didn’t respond, so he focused on rinsing her hair thoroughly. He lathered her head again, determined to keep his mouth shut, but then he thought maybe talking about his daughter might help her remember. He couldn’t get the pictures he had seen of Tommy and Jackie out of his mind.

“Her name was Abby.”

He squeezed the suds through her hair and concentrated on working it around her face so he didn’t get soap in her eyes. With his hands full of suds and chocolate silk the cabin transformed into a time machine. Before he knew it, he was lost in recollections of his perfect daughter. The smell of baby shampoo took him to a different place and time when little feet pounded down the hall to his and Sara’s bedroom in the early morning hours, when any garden spiders that might have wandered into his house were deaf from little girl screams of, “Pider, Daddy. Pider!”

Once more, Alex smelled his child’s sweet breath in his nose and felt the softness of baby kisses on his cheek. He always called them butterfly kisses. Her little-girl hugs were the magic balm that took away every care in his tough military life. Abby was sunshine and joy, everything good in his miserable life. He could almost hear her squeal, “Daddy!” She had loved him. He adored her. It felt like yesterday.

Another memory demanded revelation, so he shared it. “She was so tiny when she was born. The minute the nurse handed her to me, that little girl snagged my shirt like she was gonna punch me for pulling her away from her nice warm mama.”

“And?” Kelsey asked, and Alex couldn’t refuse her any more than he could stem the tide of love that had swelled inside.

“I spoiled her. Honest. If she wanted a sucker, I got her a sucker. If she wanted a kitten, we got her a kitten. That little girl ….” He sighed. “Here I’m supposed to be leading men into battle, and she could turn me into breakfast mush.”

“I can see that side of you.”

“You should’ve seen me trying to give her a bath the first night we brought her home. Sara was tired. I thought I was hurting Abby. It was like bathing a fish. Heck, I didn’t know babies don’t like water on their faces.”

Alex stilled as he played with Kelsey’s hair the same way he used to play with Abby’s, his fingers full of chocolate loops, tangles, and bubbles. Leaning relaxed against the table, he didn’t want the moment to stop.

“She got bossy when she turned two. So she’s standing in the bathtub telling me she’s in charge of the bubble bath. She was so dang cute.” He poured another cup of rinse water carefully over Kelsey’s head. “She kept hollering, ‘Me do it. Me can do it.’”

“I’ll bet you had tons of bubbles that day.”

“Tons.” Once again, his blond angel peered up at him through the mounds of frothy bubbles with the same Popsicle grin on her bright, shining face. Memories of Abby flooded through him. They filled his heart with peace, and for a moment, he was happy. But, just like that, regret sucker punched him—hard. His voice cracked. He pulled away from the table, stood straight, and faced the empty hole that was his real life. “That was a long time ago.”

“What happened?” Her question was so innocent.

The words stuck in his throat. “They died. Car accident. Four years ago.”

“Oh Alex. I’m so sorry.”

“Forget it.” He cursed himself for letting his guard down. He should’ve quit while he was ahead.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”

The magic of the night popped like just another bubble in his hand. With a jolt, Alex was back in his cabin, helping a strange woman. That’s all. Sara and Abby were gone, and tomorrow Kelsey would be in police protection and out of his life. Self-disgust chased the peaceful feeling away. He was his own worst enemy.
What was I thinking?

He felt the tear slide out of his eye and brusquely wiped it against his shoulder. Once again, he was caught in the riptide of guilt and regret. He had said too much. It was past time to shut up. He noticed she had grown quiet, too. Had he hurt her feelings again?

“How you doing?” He hated the tremble in his voice.

Kelsey didn’t answer, so he leaned over to see how much damage he had caused. Tears coursed down her cheeks. She buried her face in her hands. Within minutes, Alex rinsed her hair, wrapped the towel around her head, and had her sitting upright.

He cursed his stupidity. This was the last thing he needed. The second he put his arm around her, she pushed off the chair and into his arms, buried her face against him, and wept. Surprised, he held her gently at first, then a little tighter. She shuddered, and he couldn’t help himself. He scooped her into his arms and sat on the chair with her on his lap.

“Hey now, what’s this about?” His voice was soft and tender as he tipped her chin up to see her better. “What’s going on?”

She wiped the towel across her face, struggling to pull herself together. “I’m sorry. It’s just that I got this feeling all of a sudden that I have children. I know I do. I mean, I think I’m a mom, only I can’t remember,” she whined. “I can’t see their faces. I don’t know their names. I just can’t remember anything.”

Well, Alex noted dourly, he had achieved what he wanted. He had sparked a memory. Turning her face into his shoulder, he wiped his eyes again without her noticing.

“You’ll remember,” he whispered hoarsely. “You have a concussion right now and maybe a little amnesia, but it’s all going to come back to you. You’ll see.” He kissed the side of her head where the towel was wrapped. “A good mother never forgets her kids. I’ll bet you’re the best mom ever. Give yourself time.”

Kelsey looked up at him, her brown eyes brimming with tears. She had noticed his watery eyes. With the tenderest hand, she caressed the clenched jaw that barricaded his pain. “What’s the matter?”

Her touch was light and soft, so warm and caring that he leaned into it. No woman had touched him like this in years. As much as he wanted to tell her nothing was the matter, he knew something deep inside had broken open. Her gentle touch resonated to his core. For the first time since he had been notified of his family’s death while he was in Fallujah, thoughts of Sara and Abby hadn’t morphed into out of control anger. No monster screamed that their deaths were his fault, or that he should have been there. He could still breathe. His head didn’t pound with guilt. The burden he had attended to so faithfully and for so long evaporated under her hand.

“Guess I just miss my little girl.” His voice caught at that profound understatement.

“You poor thing. I’m so sorry.” She smoothed her hand against his whiskered cheek.

He choked with shame at those words, spoken so kindly by the very woman he had cursed. He repented instantly. “I’m so sorry for the way I treated you last night. I was wrong. I’ve been so wrong about so many thing.”

“For what?” she asked kindly. “You couldn’t hurt anyone.”

He couldn’t speak. Here she was offering mercy to the beast he was, to another man who didn’t deserve it. He shivered as the truth roared over him. There was no way she could’ve hurt anyone. If anything, she was as much a victim as her sons. That’s how Kelsey got tangled up with the likes of Durrant. She trusted too easily, and she believed people were good—just like she was doing now.

“You’re a good man,” she said softly. “I know. I can tell.”

I’m not, but I have been. I can be. I will be.

She pulled his clenched fist to her lips and placed a small kiss on his knuckle, like she might have done for one of her little boys. His heart swelled. He wanted to run and hide. For the first time in years, his emotions of choice weren’t anger or self-loathing. He blew out a shuddering breath. He felt—blessed?

She was a gentle armful. Her soft hand on his shoulder called out to the man he used to be, the gentle man, the guardian and protector, the fixer of all things mechanical, the killer of spiders, and the protector from all bad dreams. The fragrance of her just washed hair seemed to work a magical spell in his dumpy two-room cabin. Sharing a few more stories about Abby and Sara felt natural, especially the way Kelsey listened. She smoothed the worry lines at the corner of his eye with the tip of her thumb while he held her safe and secure in his arms. It happened without notice. The anger whooshed out of his soul, and the world was once again a pretty good place to be.