Aidan (14 page)

I feel nothing. I can’t—
won’t—
allow myself to. Stoically, I say, “You lied to me this whole time. You just admitted that you knew how I’d feel yet you continued to deceive me. Granted, I don’t have much experience with love, but that’s not what I’d classify as loving.”

“I couldn’t help it if I had cancer, Aidan,” she cries out. “What—I’m not allowed to have someone in my life now because I was sick at one time? Don’t you think
I’ve
suffered enough? Because if you don’t think I have, I’ll be more than happy to tell you about everything I’ve gone through.”

“Really?” I snap. “Where was
this
honesty a few months ago? If you’re so happy to tell me now, why not then?”

The air in the car vibrates with energy as we both toss out angry words. “I wasn’t aware I owed you the details of my entire medical records to date you. I mean, should I confess to anyone I date that I had cancer at one time?”

“I’m not just
any man,
Kara. And I would think that you would tell me of all people. I’ll give you a pass on not telling me in Charleston, but what about later on? You knew I lost my mother to the disease. Wouldn’t anyone in that circumstance at the very least feel compelled to admit they’d battled the same thing? The fact you didn’t . . . Did you set out to deceive me? You probably thought
this poor sap lost the love of his life a year ago and now his mother
.
Hey, I bet he’s ripe for the picking. I won’t bother to tell him that I’ve also had my own brush with death and not to get too attached
.”

“You fucking bastard,” she screams. “Do you not hear the things you’re saying to me? Have you any idea how hard it’s been for me since the diagnosis? I had a breast cut off, Aidan. Do you know what that does to a woman? I had to go around for months with one side of my fucking bra empty! But lucky me—they fixed me right up with a new one. And I hate it. I know it doesn’t belong on my body. Again, though, I’m so
fortunate
at how well things went for me. They chopped my tit off. I had my radiation, and then I was in remission. Plus, I get to sit around every single day for the rest of my life wondering when or if it’s going to come back again. My parents enjoy it as well. We all love walking on eggshells waiting for one of them to crack the fuck open and bring the whole nightmare back once again. So yeah, in my spare time, I look for a guy to fall in love with and trick into thinking I’m a normal woman. Gotta get those kicks somehow, right?” she adds bitterly before falling silent.

We’re pulling into the driveway of her parents’ home now, and the silence between us is thick and oppressive. I put the car in park and struggle for the words I want to say. Finally, I slump back against my seat and let out a weary sigh. “I’m sorry. I could have worded all of that a lot better. But the whole thing caught me off guard, and I lashed out without thinking. I know you’ve suffered,” I add quietly. “I was with my mother enough to see how hellish it can be.” I don’t think I could ever watch someone I love go through what my mom went through.
It was agony. Pure agony.
“You should have told me of all people, though.”

“I never planned to let things go this far,” she whispers. “When you left Charleston that was supposed to be it. That’s why I didn’t return your texts. I knew you wouldn’t want me if you found out. I was developing feelings for you that couldn’t possibly lead to anything but what it has now. But when Uncle Lee told me about your mom, and I heard she’d passed away, I wanted to be here for you. Just in case you wanted me. So I came to the funeral, and we connected even more than we had in Charleston. After that, I was terrified of losing
you
.”

My eyes are watering as I ponder the seeming hopelessness of our relationship. I look out the window trying to process this bombshell.

Kara had breast cancer. Fucking. Cancer.

I miss my mom
. Moments like these, when I feel so confused, angry, and lost, I need her so much. Losing her has wrecked me, and I can’t imagine ever going through that again. Watching my dad struggle to work out how to move forward has been agonizing. If I stayed with Kara, would that be me in a few years? It feels as if the entire thing has been built on lies, and God knows I can’t go through that again. I love her, but . . .
I can’t.
Fuck.

“Kara, another man might be able to handle this, but that’s not me. I know it makes me the biggest jerk imaginable, but I simply don’t have the strength left to lose another woman I love.”

“But I’m fine now,” she argues weakly. “I’ve been cancer-free for over a year.”

I take her hand in mine and squeeze it. “And you can’t imagine how happy I am to know that. But I can’t sit around and wonder when or if it will come back. Maybe if I hadn’t just lost my mom to the very same thing . . . I’ve never felt so helpless and powerless before and that’s saying something after losing Cassie the way I did. I couldn’t save her. There was no fighting
that
disease. It took control, and all I could do was watch as she faded a little more each day.”

“I love you. Doesn’t that count for anything?” she asks in a voice full of dejection.

My heart contracts painfully, and I die a little more inside as I turn her away.
I can’t do this. I can’t stay with her knowing her cancer might come back.
In sickness and in health. That’s what my dad and mom swore to each other, and he was able to love her through sickness. I’m not that strong. Not yet. Maybe I’ll never be. Maybe I’ll never have the capacity to love like my dad loved my mom, or like Lucian loves Lia. I just don’t think it will be . . . I just don’t think I have that sort of love . . .
Fuck. This hurts.
“I love you too, but sometimes, that’s not enough.” I turn my head to look out the window again as I struggle for composure. I hear her moving around, and then something cold touches my hand. I look down to see the necklace I’d given her earlier. “No, Kara, I want you to have this,” I protest as I attempt to give it back.

She opens her door before turning back to say, “I don’t want it. The man who gave me that said he loved me. But I found out he only meant as long as I was in good health. At the first sign of anything else, he wanted out.” Her words cut me like a knife, and I watch helplessly as she gets out of the car and shuts the door.
SHIT.
I punch the steering wheel wishing it would somehow heal the agony. After a few more minutes, I put the car in gear and drive away. What had begun as an evening filled with excitement and hope for the future is now nothing more than sorrow and disappointment. Once again, I’ve lost the woman I love. The only difference is that this time I willingly pushed her from my life.
Why the fuck do I keep losing?

I’m absurdly grateful that my parents are nowhere to be seen as I stumble through the foyer and up the stairs to my room. I shut and lock the door before collapsing onto my bed in the dark. I fully unleash the sobs I’ve been attempting to hold back and let them soak the pillow I’m clutching. Never in a million years could I have imagined how tonight would turn out. So few people actually knew about my cancer that I hadn’t thought someone like Jody would be the one to tell Aidan.

And it was every bit as bad if not worse than I could have imagined. At first, he’d been so angry, and strangely, that had been easier to handle. By the time we reached my house, he’d been as dejected as I was. He loves me; I don’t doubt that. But as I had feared, he can’t bring himself to deal with the risks of loving a cancer
survivor
. I know it could return, especially within the first five years. But what am I supposed to do, close myself off to the world? Don’t I have a right to fall in love and be happy? Should I remain alone for years until statistics determine my chances of recurrence are lessened?

I want to be angry with him. It would be so much easier for me if I could turn my love into hate. But I did this to myself. Who else can I blame? Aidan went into this thinking he was getting a whole person. I never gave him any indication that I’m damaged goods. And he was right when he said that some men could handle my past, but not one who’d so recently lost not one, but two people he loved. His words were callous and hit their mark. But I invited them when I didn’t tell him the truth. A month ago, we could have parted as friends. But now, I don’t even have that.

I’ve lost him. Completely lost him.

What do you do when you’ve been hurt so badly you shouldn’t be able to survive it? How does one go on when they give their heart to another only to lose that person? In a morbid way, it would almost be easier if he were dead. But I know that if something happened to him, it would break me apart completely. Then I wouldn’t have to live each day knowing he’s just across town living his life without me.
Sleeping with other women and putting me in his past. Giving his heart to someone
whole
.
The thoughts barely cross my mind before I’m desperately trying to take them back.

I hope that eventually I’ll be strong enough to wish him a happy life. But for now, I curl up into the fetal position and curse the cancer that has now taken everything from me.

What’s left to live for anymore?

I
’m having yet
another pity dinner with Luc and Lia tonight. In the few months that Kara and I have been apart, these have become a weekly occurrence. I hadn’t planned to tell anyone why we’d broken up, but one night, I’d wandered into the bar where Misty works, which should tell you something about my state of mind, and I’d gotten completely wasted. She’d managed to track Luc down, and he’d shown up. What had followed had been straight out of a country song. I was drunk and literally crying into my booze while I told him all about my busted love life. He hadn’t tried to convince me that I was wrong. He’d simply listened and then took me to his place to sleep it off. I’d been woken the next morning by Lara standing in front of me poking me in the nose. The next week, the dinners had started. I never admitted it, but I was pathetically grateful for those hours with friends since that was pretty much the extent of my social interactions.

Lia opens the door and gives me a once-over before motioning me inside. I lean down and kiss her cheek, feeling my heart lurch at her resemblance to Kara. “Good to see you, sweetheart. You’re looking beautiful as always.” I used to joke with her about leaving Luc and running away with me, but I can no longer bring myself to do it. She looks so much like Kara that it feels wrong.

She smiles softly. “Thanks, Aidan. You, on the other hand, appear to have lost some weight. Aren’t you eating?”

I do love this girl even if she doesn’t pull any punches where I’m concerned. We’re too much like brother and sister now to worry about social niceties. I shrug before giving her a sheepish grin. “I’m on more of a liquid diet now. Those calories seem to burn quickly at the gym.”

She puts her hands on her hips and glares at me. “I assume we’re not talking protein shakes here. Do you know how much I want to shake some sense into you right now? You’re miserable, and Kara has pretty much just given up. Tell me how you’re better off like this? You’re scared of losing her, yet she’s a few miles down the road. And she’s not doing any better than you are. For God’s sake—”

“I thought I heard you two,” Luc interrupts as he walks up behind his wife. He gives me a look over her head that says I owe him for saving me from her wrath. “Lara is getting impatient for dinner.”

“She’s already eaten,” Lia says absently.

Luc pulls Lia back against him. “Well then, she wants dessert.”

The munchkin in question comes toddling up to us and promptly wraps her arms around one of my legs. I feel the drool sinking through the fabric of my slacks, but I couldn’t care less. I lean down to pick her tiny body up and swing her into my arms. Her delighted squeals have us all laughing. “How’s my most favorite girl in the whole wide world doing?”

She grins as she babbles, “Da da.”

Luc snorts as Lia giggles. “Shhh, don’t tell anyone, sweetie,” I whisper loudly to Lara.

Lia rolls her eyes and promptly bursts my bubble. “She says the same thing to Sam and the mailman. I’m afraid you’re just one of many baby daddies to her.”

I stick out my tongue at Lia, which seems to fascinate Lara as she tries to grab it. I perform some evasive maneuvers as I tell Lia, “Thanks a lot. Way to make a guy feel special. Luc, you should keep a better eye on the little woman.”

We finally make it to the dining room and my stomach grumbles as I see a heaping mound of spaghetti with meatballs awaiting us. “Just for you.” Lia smirks knowing my love of pasta.

I sit Lara in her chair and grab Lia to twirl her around. “I take back everything I said. You’re a goddess and if you want to have multiple sugar daddies, then you absolutely should.”

The rest of the evening is lighthearted and fun as it always is with my favorite family. When it’s time to leave, it’s as though the muscles of my heart begin to atrophy. My empty apartment is all that I have waiting for me. Even though she was there for a short amount of time, Kara’s presence seems to be all around me, and I find myself not wanting to go home. I haven’t been able to throw away the dress-up tiara I bought her as a joke. “
For my very own princess, because every princess needs her own tiara.”
My princess. Not anymore. That’s one of the reasons I’ve spent far too many nights drinking. On the drive home, I wonder as always what she’s doing tonight. Lia says she’s miserable without me, but is she really? Maybe she’s moved on and found someone who can love her in sickness and in health. I wish I were that man. I often wonder if I’ve sacrificed both our happiness for my own selfish need to protect my heart from further hurt. At this point, I no longer know.

I have a secret that may very well kill me, but I’m incapable of caring. Don’t. Give. A. Shit. My depression is firmly in control and the antidepressants take away any panic I might have otherwise felt. I’ve lost count of the weeks since Aidan left me. Every day is a repeat of the last, even the weekends. I go to work and do my best to fill in for the still-absent Liza. Thankfully, Jen has most of the tasks under control. One of the benefits of having no outside life is that I’ve been able to dedicate myself to my job, and I’ve finally gotten the hang of it. Things are running smoothly at Falco once again, and I think that Uncle Lee has probably never been sadder. He misses Liza, and the absence of chaos seems to drive home she’s not coming back. Yet like all men, he continues to cling stubbornly to his belief that he doesn’t need her. I love him, yet I want to strangle him some days.

I even work weekends, which is no longer necessary. But it beats staying at my new apartment and enduring the worried glances my parents give each other when they think I’m not looking. If only they knew, they’d be freaking out and so very angry with me. But . . . it’s my life, and I’ll live it as I see fit.

Then there’s the part of me that still checks the Internet for any mention of Aidan. Like a junkie hooked on her favorite form of crack, I can’t get him out of my system, and I can’t imagine a twelve-step program could accomplish it either. I shamelessly quiz Uncle Lee about Luc and Lia in hopes he’ll mention Aidan, but it happens so rarely. Seeing Lia has been too hard. Watching her much-deserved happiness and knowing I’ll probably never know that again. It’s strange to me that I could care so very little about anything else in my life, including myself, but I can’t let him go. He haunts my dreams and shadows my days. I ache to see him smile at me again in that way that made me feel special. I hunger for his body, remembering the way it owned mine. Sometimes, I think if I could just hear his laughter one more time, I’d be content to let go, but I know it would just make me thirst for more. I’ve ceased blaming him for leaving me. I am a ticking time bomb, and he would be crushed to know how right he was.
Or maybe he’d feel relieved. Glad he hadn’t taken the risk.

It’s Friday and well after seven in the evening. Everyone has mostly left for the day, but as usual, I linger over tasks that are in no way pressing, but I need the busyness of work. When the phone rings, I remember that I forgot to switch it over to the after-hours voicemail. “Falco Industries, Lee Jacks’s office, may I help you?” I ask on autopilot. I speak this same greeting at least a hundred times a day. My uncle is a busy man and receives a ton of calls, most of which will never get through to him.

“Kara Jacks please,” says a masculine voice. I’m also used to this. Many who want to do business with Lee try to force a friendship with me, thinking it will help. Which it doesn’t.

“This is Kara, how may I help you?” I’m grateful for the earpiece I’m wearing that allows me to continue working on the spreadsheet I’m finishing.

“Kara, this is Dr. Finley. I’m glad I was able to catch you. Are you free to speak for a moment?”

I freeze in my seat, and then my eyes dart around the empty reception area. It’s on the tip of my tongue to make an excuse, but it’s better to take this call in privacy rather than to risk my parents overhearing me. “Sure,” I reply. “What can I do for you, Dr. Finley?”

He doesn’t bother with more pleasantries. “Kara, I’d like to know why you haven’t scheduled your biopsy yet. You of all people know that time is of the essence in these situations. I would think that, if nothing else, you would want to set your mind at ease. The lump may very well be benign. I see that almost as much as I see malignant ones.”

Dammit. His words threaten to pierce my indifference, and I struggle for composure. “Dr. Finley, I really appreciate that you’ve taken the time to call me, but I’ve decided to leave this to fate. I’ve no desire to go through what I did the first time. If the lump is cancerous, then I don’t intend to treat it. If it’s not, then a year from now, I’ll still be fine. Either way, I don’t want to know. I’m through letting my life be ruled by some disease.”

“Kara, I strongly advise against this. You’re a healthy young woman with your whole life ahead of you. Even if you have a reoccurrence, we can more than likely pursue the same course of action. But you know that you don’t have the luxury of time. I need you to come in for the biopsy tomorrow, so we know what we’re dealing with. I’ll work around your schedule if you tell me when a good time is for you.”

I rub my throbbing temple wondering idly if maybe the cancer had spread to my brain now. I have been getting more headaches lately. “I’m sorry, Dr. Finley, but I’m afraid I’ve made up my mind. Thanks for calling.” I still hear his protests as I end the call and hit the button to send any further calls to voicemail. I turn my chair back around toward my computer and notice someone standing just inches away. My hand flies to my chest as I gasp. “Uncle Lee, you scared me to death. I thought you were already gone.”

He stares at me for a moment, before lowering himself into one of the chairs in front of my desk.
Shit, how much did he hear?
“What are you doing, Kara?” he asks, and I relax thinking we’re talking business.

“I’m doing a spreadsheet to track the overhead in the South Carolina division. I think it’s a good way to see why the expenses there have gone up—”

“I could give a fuck about that right now,” he snaps. “I want to know why you’re blowing your doctor off when obviously you have another lump. And I’m damn certain that my brother doesn’t know about this because he’s been far too calm. So since your secret is out and I’m not going to go away until you tell me everything, go ahead and get started.” He makes a great show of settling back into his seat and placing his ankle over the knee of the other leg. I swear that as much as I love the man, I want to throw my stapler at him right now. I’ve seen that stubborn expression more times than I can count from my father, and I know if I attempt to get up and leave, he’ll just chase me down. I open my mouth, but before I can speak he adds, “Oh, and don’t bother lying. My bullshit detector is way better than my brother’s.”

Well, shit.
I debate my options before finally giving up. He’s got me. If I managed to get away, he’d probably bribe or threaten my doctor into revealing the truth anyway. So I admit, “I went for my recommended annual mammogram last week, and it showed a cyst in my breast—the other one. Due to my history, they want to do a needle biopsy to determine if it’s cancerous.”
I hate, absolutely hate, that these words are being spoken about my body again. I don’t want to say or think the word biopsy, cysts, lumps, or anything else associated with the fucking nightmare of cancer.

His face is impassive as he takes in my words. “All right, then why haven’t you had that done yet? I assume your doctor wouldn’t be calling you in the evening if you had.”

“As I told my doctor, I don’t intend to go through all of that again. I refuse to spend my life panicking over every little thing because I once had cancer.”

My uncle flips a hand as if to say big deal. “So if it kills you, it does, right? No big thing.”

I’m actually a little hurt by his nonchalance, but I try not to show it. “Exactly.”

He studies his nails for a moment as the silence stretches between us. “You know I never pegged you for a coward. But what else can you call someone who buries their head in the sand when any type of diversity strikes?”

My mouth drops open as I stare at him in shock. I’ve been spoiled by my uncle my whole life. He’s kissed my boo-boos, wiped my tears, and helped me talk my way out of trouble with my parents. He’s a second father to me and has never talked to me the way he is right now. His disappointment literally flays me. “Bu—but you don’t understand,” I stutter out. “I—”

“That’s where you’re wrong, sweetheart. I’ve been places and done things that you could only imagine in your nightmares. I did whatever had to be done so your father and I could have a life. Yet you’re playing with yours as if it’s disposable. Maybe we all spoiled you too much, but we never wanted you or your brother to have to make the choices we did. Hell, the choices that my own daughter ended up making. What would have happened to Lia had she just decided to throw in the towel and say ‘whatever’ while she was living with an abusive mother and a monster for a stepfather? Instead, she fought back and clawed her way out. Yet you’ve been given everything and don’t appreciate any of it.” He lowers his voice as tears begin to dribble from my eyes. “I know you’ve had a tough time of it, kiddo, and it’s done a real number on you. I was real proud of the way you faced your cancer and came out on the other side. And yes, your life is always going to be a bit different now because of the disease. But when you’re dealt a shit hand, then you play that fucker for all you’re worth. You don’t sit there automatically assuming you’ve been defeated. The best times I’ve had have started out the worst.”