Ahab's Wife (42 page)

Ahab knows me, and I know him, and that transcends all else.

I
SAW NOTHING
else of Ahab for a month, while the spring came on. Twice the gaoler walked out the Madaket Road to eat at the Try Pots. I myself now felt shy of the town that I had just begun to explore. I did not want to go back to the Unitarians—though I was full of curiosity about not so much their beliefs as their modes of thinking—lest it seem to Captain Ahab that I hoped to see him there. On the
Pequod,
I had overheard him speak of me as Spring.

I am ashamed to say that I made quick use of Isaac Starbuck when he came to the Try Pots; by chance I had a large bundle of mending ready to go back to Mrs. Macy, and I asked him to carry it for me. He promptly volunteered to walk out with a new batch. Twice I used him thus, but after the second time, I told Mr. Starbuck I must do my own walking and take care of my own business. Yet that seemingly independent declaration was devious on my part, for I knew that Captain Ahab would surely sail in the spring, the usual three months in port for restocking the ship and hiring crew now being well past. Perhaps if I encountered him while I was on my business, I would feel no embarrassment.

Since Ahab knew the way to the Try Pots as well as the gaoler, I hypothesized that Ahab had wanted nothing more of me but a passing (and parting) recognition. And for what reason did I seek out a man who was about to embark on a voyage of possibly three years? I did not know exactly. It seemed I needed to wish Godspeed—whatever that might mean—to a kinsman.

With my bundle of mended, washed, ironed, and neatly folded sailors' clothing on my back, I set out for Nantucket town. When I was within sight of the place that I had calculated to be the halfway mark,
I saw a man standing there. He neither approached nor receded. It seemed he stood there watching me. Within a few steps more, I recognized the man to be Captain Ahab. With this identification, I began to laugh. I quickened my pace and, despite my heavy bundle, half ran to meet him.

Ahab did not laugh, but there was a full smile upon his face.

“So, girl,” he said. “We have mutually decided to close up the distance between us.”

I do not know what devil possessed me, but I laughingly said, “Nay, Captain. I'm only bringing my mending-work to Mrs. Macy.”

How dark the cloud that blighted all his smile. He turned abruptly away from me. I had embarrassed and humiliated him with my dishonesty. Quickly, I caught him by the arm.

“I did hope that I would see you. To say good-bye.”

“Well then”—and he smiled again, but with only half the radiance of his initial greeting—“let us walk together.”

“This is the halfway mark,” I said.

“It might be a good omen that we each come halfway to the other.”

My heart began to boom like a loose sail in the wind. Like Cordelia, I could not heave my heart into my mouth. I looked at his gray-white locks and thought that he was a kind of Lear, though his domain was watery and he faced his storms at sea.

“The
Pequod
sails tomorrow,” he went on. “I have news of Kit to give you.”

“News of Kit?” I was much surprised, even alarmed.

“It comes by way of Tashtego, who spoke to a friend of his from a tribe in Maine. Kit is better. He wintered with the Penobscot. For a month now, he has been on his journey west. He has taken the St. Lawrence as a highway, canoed the Great Lakes, gone through the chains of lakes in Minnesota that the
voyageurs
marked. He makes friends wherever he goes, and the word is passed back and back along the eastward track that he fares well.”

“I am glad to hear it,” I said.

“And will you wait for him?”

I considered for several moments. Ahab would not mind while I searched for the truth of my heart. I felt in myself a depth of calm, profundity like the ocean, yet floating on top a sort of nervous, superficial froth. “Friend Ahab, my heart is not hard—Kit is not dead—and
yet—though I can envision him making friends, walking westward, though I know what his mind is like when it is clear—I feel neither loyalty nor bereavement—I do not understand myself in this.”

“Then the message he sends back will not pain you.”

“What message is that?”

“ ‘Tell them I am never coming back.' ”

I gasped and stopped walking. Like a hammer blow to the forehead of a calf, the words stunned me. Almost I felt I would drop to my knees. And yet had I not wanted a full freedom?

Ahab stood silently and waited for me to recover myself. Finally he said, “But the words do hurt you.”

“It is their finality,” I said.

“That which you greatly feared has come upon you.”

“I feel bereft, after all. Bereft—like a blow.” I began to walk forward again. “Not bereft of Kit. He lives. Bereft of a companion.”

“You must have felt that many times before?”

“Yes. It is the finality of it. That now I have no choice in the matter.”

I stopped again, swung the bundle from my shoulder, and handed it to Ahab. He took it without a word, and we walked on. I did feel stricken, as though I needed all my strength, all the air in my lungs, simply to go forward. Encasing me was froth of nervousness, like a thin garment, a veil. My knees trembled. I seemed to walk like a blind person through the town to Mrs. Macy's door. He handed me the bundle.

“So then, Una, it's good-bye.”

“Yes,” I said, dazed, and for no reason added, “I am a married woman with no husband.”

Though he did not speak, quicker than language, Ahab's eyes darted defiance. The scar! It seemed to contract, to convey an electric discharge from his brain down his neck to the trunk of his body. All his being was charged, embodied storm and power. He wheeled, like a cyclone or waterspout, and walked away.

It was no proper good-bye at all. The thought of saying Godspeed had deserted me.

L
IMPLY
, I sank upon the settle in Mrs. Macy's kitchen.

“Girl, girl,” she said, “you're pale as bleached linen.”

“My husband is gone forever,” I said.

“Now then,” she said, sitting beside me and patting my hand. “So's mine. And look at me.” Her forearms were covered with small freckles, very close together, yet distinct. What else did she mean for me to see?

“He'll never come back,” I said.

“Nor will mine, till Christ comes in the clouds, the graves open, and the quick and the dead ascend.”

She spoke of the end of the world with total good cheer.

“Look at me,” she went on. “I have my own business. More close friends than I can count on fingers and toes. Who knows, for you, even—why, it could happen to me—I'm only of middle age, and strong—God may send another, better husband. Here,” she said, “take off your clothes and get in the washtub. The water's warm, but far from scalding. Wash off your grief. I hear he was but a sorry lot, anyway.”

Here I sniffed, preparatory to tears. She ought not criticize my Kit.

“But no doubt you loved him well enough. You have a loyal heart—anyone can see that. Still, there's nothing like a spring bath in water someone else has heated. Strip down, girl. I'll pull the curtain.”

Indeed, I could not move, but Mrs. Macy pulled the curtain, stuck her finger in the water, then grasped a hot stone with her tongs from the hearth and threw it sizzling in the water. I felt the rock was my heart, gone already ahead of me into the water.

“The Indians cooked with hot stones in their water,” she said. “Can you imagine the filth of it? Not my rocks, though. They've been boiled ten thousand times. Do you use hot rocks for your washing?”

“No.”

“Now lift your arms, and off slides the camisole. Oh, you've nice breasts, indeed. You'll yet nurse a babe. And I'll scald his diapers for you. It's a promise. And you'll remember Mrs. Macy who on your day of woe, scrubbed you pink and pretty and sent you to town as fresh and sweet as the first rose of summer. Now the drawers. Yes, you have pretty lace trim, but my! such a hard tie-knot. Now you mustn't tie the knot so hard, oh, no. No one likes to fumble. No, he doesn't like that. Yes, you've the hips to be a mother. That's right, just step right in.
Doesn't it feel pleasant? Fold up now. I'd squat, not kneel, if I were you. Yes, then rock back and sit on your buttocks. Here's a rag to wash the upper story.”

Indeed the water was so clean, warm, and comforting that when I closed my eyes in the bliss of it, only a few salt tears squeezed out.

“Now, this,” Mrs. Macy said. “Glycerine and rose water.” She gave the little clear bottle a vigorous shake. I saw the oil droplets inside. She opened it up and poured it all into my bathwater. “It won't be long till high spring,” she went on, “and after that—oh, you've never seen the roses of Nantucket. They are a sight. Like clouds of clabbered sunset, pink sky sweetly curdled and come down to earth. They sit on every fence, they cover the sides and roofs of the houses.”

I thought of the stone house with its hat of roses, at the Lighthouse.

“Sniff up,” she said. “Breathe deep.”

I did, and sure enough, the odor of roses and summer came to me.

“Splash it up on your breast and neck. That's right. Face too. Oh, how pretty you look. And your hair is like gypsy curls around your face. Do you want to marry a sailor again? Then you must come sit in the shop and do the business direct with them. The joy of the sailor is he's often gone—”

I must have looked shocked.

“Oh, you can come to love your own life. Alone. Have no doubt of that. The women of Nantucket have their consolations—do you know about that, dear?”

I had no idea of what she spoke. I merely regarded her apron, immaculately ironed, smooth and pristine as ever soap and flatiron could render cloth.

“Here,” she said, and she displayed another vial. “Laudanum. Anybody can get to sleep with that. And this—” She went to a drawer and took out a porcelain item that somewhat resembled a pestle for a mortar. “It's from China, and it's called ‘He's at Home.' ”

I gasped.

“But you need not marry a sailor, if you don't like. There's that young keeper from the gaol. Isaac Starbuck. Oh, he would walk around the world for you.”

I felt my face flush.

“Now are you getting too hot, dear? If you stay too long in a bath, it will make you sick, they say. We want none of that. My rose must
be a healthy rose, not one with a dribbling nose. Here's a towel—just stand up and wrap it around you.”

What a whirlwind of talk she was. I did feel new and clean as I stepped over the edge of her tub. What would become of me? How should I know? How could I know? I need not know.

Next, Mrs. Macy insisted that I take bread and cheese, and again I was reminded of the Lighthouse, for the cheese was tangy brown goat cheese.

“We used to add herbs to our goat cheese,” I offered.

“Is that so?”

“Sage, rosemary, parsley, oregano, dill. Each has its own flavor.”

“Do you not like the flavor of plain cheese?”

“Indeed, I do. But on the Island, we ate so much cheese that the variety of flavoring was nice.”

“And would you have a vinegar egg? The hens are only beginning to lay again.”

I smiled and gladly bit into it. The third omen from the days of the Lighthouse. Yet they had not written to me. Nor my mother. And then I knew why, with a smooth certainty, as surely as Mrs. Macy's clothes were untroubled by a single crease or wrinkle: they simply had not received my letters. Anything else was inconceivable. Given who they were, they would have answered. I could go to visit. Tell them I
am
coming back, I wanted to say. Let my message reverse that of Kit.

So when I stepped back into the Nantucket street from the home of good Mrs. Macy, I was clean and fragrant with love of myself and my life. I walked toward the harbor, as though I would take ship and go at once, though this was not my plan. Along the way, I stopped at a shop and bought paper and envelopes and borrowed the use of a quill, and I wrote letters first to the Lighthouse and all there—Uncle Torch, Aunt Agatha, Frannie, and the new babe whose name I did not know—and then to Kentucky.

What did I write? I was tempted to describe my recent perfumed bath and the egg I had just eaten, the furnishings of the shop where I sat—the immediate world defined me and swirled through my brain. Finally only these words: the date, followed by: “I am coming home. I am fine.” I wrote the same note to both my homes. I signed my name
Una Spenser,
for so I felt myself to be—my own old self again. Then I sealed up the two envelopes, returned the quill, and stepped outside
to continue my walk toward the harbor. There, I planned, I would find a boat bound for Falmouth or Hyannis; my letters would be my messenger doves flying before me.

I saw the
Pequod
and other outbound whalers lined up along Long Wharf, and I passed on to North Wharf, where the little barks nudged up like shoats to their sow. As though to fling the round arms of myth about me, to make my ending in my beginning, what vessel should I spy in the middle of the line but the
Camel
. Yes, there was the
Camel,
loaded and apt, who had first carried me from the Lighthouse to New Bedford. Standing on her deck was the same captain with the marvelous twin mustaches, hanging like twin awls from above the corners of his mouth, almost to his collarbones.