Agnes and the Hitman (40 page)

Maria looked at her, outraged. “How can you be so
blind! Look at them!”

Agnes looked at them. Shane was pinning the woman to the bed, bearing down on her, and it was hard to tell, sex and violence being so closely related but... “No,” she said. “I’m pretty sure he’s trying to kill her.”

Maria looked at the bed and then at Agnes. “You’re
insane,”
she said, and then took off down the path.

“I didn’t mean it the way it sounded,” Agnes said, and went after her. “Maria!” She caught up with her halfway down the path. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t right, I didn’t mean
kill
kill. I mean, you know, subdue, arrest, Shane’s kind of a cop, and ...” Her voice trailed off as Maria shook her head. “Look, the bottom line is Shane wouldn’t do that to me, and Palmer wouldn’t do that to you. Things aren’t always what they look like; sometimes you just have to trust the guy you love.”

“All guys do that,”
Maria said. “Brenda said—”

“Brenda is a hag from hell who is trying to destroy your wedding so she can take my house,” Agnes snapped.

“And you’re trying to push me into this wedding so you can keep your house,” Maria said.

Agnes threw up her hands. “You really think that? You fell in love with Palmer, who is a
great guy, and you came down here completely in love with him, positive you wanted to marry him, and then that peroxided bitch poured poison in your ear and now I’m the one with the ulterior motive. Thanks a lot.”

Off in the woods, they heard voices and then someone gag, and Maria made a disgusted sound. “Probably Palmer barfing.” She raised her voice toward the sounds. “Sex and booze don’t mix, you dummy, and neither does cheating and marriage.”

“Well, it’s clear to see you love him and care about his well-being,” Agnes said, fed up with her. “Don’t put yourself out any. I’ll go see if he’s all right.”

“Hey,”
Maria said as a male voice up on the path said, “Maria? Is that you?”

“No, really, stay here,” Agnes said, turning her back on her. “You’ve never looked more like your grandmother than you do right now.”

She left the path and went into the woods, shining the flash on the ground so she didn’t trip on any tree roots, and she saw his shoe first. “Palmer,” she said, and played the light up his leg onto this shirt and then his face, seeing his eyes staring terrified at the same time she saw the meat fork sticking out of his throat, not Palmer but Taylor, and then she screamed as he reached for her, she screamed and screamed and screamed.

Fuck this,
Shane thought. He pulled back his left fist and hit her in the base of her skull as hard as he could. Her head bounced off the bed, but she was still conscious, albeit stunned. She slashed at him, narrowly missing his eyes.

Shane punched again, this time aiming for her temple, but she moved just enough so the blow didn’t strike dead on, but rather bounced off his skull. He ducked as the knife came tor his eyes once more, and then forgot all but total combat, blocked the knife hand, grabbed her head, left hand on the back, right hand on her jaw, and twisted violently. The sound of her neck snapping echoed through the barn even as he felt the point of the knife pierce the skin in his shoulder.

Shane felt the body spasm beneath him, then become still.

He rolled over onto his back, breathing hard and staring up at the ceiling of the barn.

Agnes,
he thought, but he couldn’t summon the energy to get up and go after her.

He checked his shoulder. Not deep. He’d killed her before she could do real damage. He reached over and pulled off the blonde wig, revealing the short red hair.

Finally, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his replacement satellite phone. He hit speed-dial.

“Yes?” Carpenter whispered.

“I’ve got a package,” Shane said, still trying to catch his breath. “Another amateur? Can it wait? I’m with Lisa Livia at the movies. She’s had a rough day. And I thought—”

“Casey Dean’s girl. The one with the RPG on the boat.”

“Oh.” Carpenter was silent for a few seconds. “Where?”

“The barn.”

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

“Thanks.”

Shane hung up and looked down at the body. The eyes had the blank look of the dead. Seeing nothing. Ever again. Soon they would cloud up, as if what remained of the soul was turning into mist. Not that he imagined Casey Dean’s girl had much of a soul.

His dark thoughts were interrupted by the sound of sirens in the distance, coming closer.
Now what?
Shane got to his feet and turned toward the door, then paused, looking down at the body. Carpenter had said twenty minutes. The sirens would be here before that. But they were coming for something, and he knew it wasn’t what had just happened in here. Which meant there was a very good chance Agnes was in trouble. If she’d gotten angry about seeing him with a naked stripper after everything he’d promised the night before, Cod knew what havoc she’d wreaked.

Shane took a quick look around the barn and found the stripper’s bag. A pink cell phone was in it and he pocketed that. Then he picked up the body and slung it on his shoulder. He carried it and the bag out the back of the barn and hid them behind some palmetto bushes, laying some fronds over them. Enough to escape a quick look from the cops.

He headed up the path and came to a halt as a dark figure came toward him, but he relaxed when he recognized the outline of the straw hat.

“Detective Xavier,” Shane called out.

“Mister Shane
Smith.”

Shane walked up to the detective. “What brings you out here this late?”

“I might ask the same of you,” Xavier said, looking past Shane toward the barn. “Something going on in there?”

“Nope. Just checking on the damage from the bachelor party.”

Xavier nodded. “You all must have had a hell of time out here tonight. All sorts of mayhem.”

“Like?” Shane asked.

“Maybe I should check out the barn,” Xavier said. “Nobody in there anymore. Party moved out to the shore.” Xavier nodded. “Most likely you’re right. What’s important is what happened over yonder.” He gestured behind Shane, down the path. “What happened yonder?” Shane asked. “Your Miss Agnes,” Xavier said. Shane sighed. “What did she do?”

“She appears to have murdered her former fiancé, Taylor Beaufort. Which is why my associate Robbie Hammond arrested her and why he is currently on his way with her to the county jail.”

That’s my girl,
Shane thought.

“That makes me feel so much better,” Agnes said, hugging herself against the cold. It wasn’t that cool in the jail, she knew that, but she’d been cold ever since she’d seen the fork in Taylor’s neck and felt his hand grab the edge of her apron in one desperate clutch before he died. “You can’t possibly think I killed Taylor. I was with Maria right there on the path—”

“No, ma’am,” Hammond said. “I had just joined Maria when you screamed. You were in the woods with the victim.”

“You
moron”
Agnes said, shivering with rage and something else.

“Hammond, can you get her a jacket or something?” Maria said.

“Yeah, Hammond, get her a jacket,” a voice said from the bottom bunk said, and the woman there rolled over—a blowsy blonde who looked like she rotated in and out of the place on a regular basis— peered out at Agnes, and then sat up to get a better look. “Well, look what we got here. Betty Crocker. Nice apron, Betty.
Mob Food?
That how you got in here, cookin’ for the mob?”

“Humor,” Agnes said to her, shivering. “Har.” She turned back to the cell door. “Hammond, if I’d done it, why would I have screamed?”

“To make me think you hadn’t done it,” Hammond said, sticking his considerable chin out.

Agnes gazed at him for a moment, thinking of all the things she’d like to do to his stupid, determined face. “Hammond, you’re dumb as a rock, but Xavier isn’t. When he finds out you’ve arrested me on the thought process of an addled two-year-old—”

Hammond
frowned at her. “He knows. I called him.”

Oh, just hell,
Agnes thought.
They’re all nuts.

“He said you were better off in here than out there. Probably wanted to keep you from killin’ anybody else.”

“She didn’t kill anybody, Robbie,” Maria said, steel in her voice.

Hammond
stepped back. “Okay, honey.”

“Honey?”
Agnes said, and thought about reaching through the bars and strangling him.

“Hey,” the blonde said. “What are you in for, Betty? Beatin’ your egg whites?” She laughed uproariously.

“Murder.” Agnes took off her Cranky Agnes apron and tossed it on the bunk above the blonde and then climbed up, looking for a blanket.

“We’ll get you right out of here, Agnes,” Maria said, looking daggers at the blonde.

“No, you won’t,” the blonde said. “You ain’t gonna find a judge tonight or tomorrow or the next or Monday. Not on a holiday weekend, you ain’t. Now what are you really in for, Betty?”

“Murder.” Agnes pulled a tissue-thin blanket off the bunk and wrapped it around her, and then stretched out on the mattress and looked at the ceiling. It was peeling. Naturally.

The blonde poked at the thin mattress from underneath. “I ain’t askin’ you again.”

“For the love of God, Hammond, tell her,” Agnes snarled.

“She killed her ex-fiancé with a meat fork,” Hammond told the blonde.

“She
did not,”
Maria said, turning on him.

“Allegedly,”
Hammond
said hastily. “She
allegedly
was found standing over her ex-fiancé with an alleged meat fork.”

“I didn’t have the meat fork,” Agnes said tiredly. “He did.”

“Right,” Hammond said. “The fork was in him. She wasn’t touching it. Still, you know, he was holding on to you. That’s pretty bad.”

“Just like the rest of my day,” Agnes said to the ceiling.

“A meat fork,” the blonde said with newfound respect in her voice. “Nice touch, Betty.”

“And right after you found Shane with a stripper, too,” Maria said, her face crumpling again.

“A girl’s gotta earn a living,” the blonde said, sounding defensive.

“And she’d just been doing Palmer ten minutes earlier,” Maria wailed.

“I don’t think so,” Agnes said tiredly, still staring at the ceiling. “That just does not sound like Palmer.”

“He was wearing the flamingo hat!” Maria said.

“That also does not sound like Palmer.” Agnes took a deep breath, mostly to keep from screaming. “Nothing’s been what it seems so far. Why should tonight be any different?”

“Those rich guys,” Hammond said.

“You stay out of this,”
Agnes said, rolling so she could look down to see him. “You just stay
out
of this. Somebody just died horribly out there,
do not
use this as an opportunity to make time, damn it.”

Hammond
put his arm around Maria. “It’ll be different with me,” he told her.

Maria nodded with a sniffle.

“Listen to me, young lady,” Agnes said, sitting up. “What are you trying to do? Ruin your life? Fine, go ahead. Throw your life away in a big dramatic gesture even though you love Palmer and he’s the one you should be with. What the hell.”

“You want me to forgive him for cheating on me?” Maria said, grabbing on to the bars so she could glare through them. “That’s why you stabbed Taylor!”

“I didn’t kill Taylor,” Agnes said, glaring back. “Although it worries me that you think I did.”

“Of course I don’t,” Maria said, outraged. “I meant the first time.”

“There was a first time?” Hammond said.

“No,” Agnes and Maria said together.

“And anyway, I don’t see you forgiving Shane,” Maria said, changing the subject. “I don’t see you saying, ‘Hey, you boinking the stripper, not a problem, I still love you.’“

“I don’t love him,” Agnes said. “I just met him. And I don’t have to forgive him. He didn’t boink her.”

“You are so
naive,”
Maria said.

Hammond
tugged on her arm. “We have to go. You shouldn’t even be back here.”

“
Maria,”
Agnes said.

“We’ll get you a lawyer,” Maria said as Hammond pulled her through the door.

“Won’t do you no good,” the blonde said, and then it was quiet, which gave Agnes plenty of time to think.

Not that there was much to think about.

Like, who killed Taylor? Well, he’d been willing to leave Brenda to come back to her and Brenda had almost certainly overheard that, and he’d flouted her to cater the rehearsal dinner, so Brenda was one suspect. And then there was ...

Brenda. That was it. Nobody else would want to kill poor old Taylor. And nobody else would know that Agnes had stabbed him in the throat with a meat fork. And nobody else would be so viciously cruel as to tell Maria a story that would drive her out to the barn knowing Agnes would go with her, and then arrange for Taylor to be there at the same time, and stab him when Agnes was there, and leave him to die slowly in the woods for Agnes to find him. ...

Brenda. Hell, she’d already killed Frankie and Four Wheels; Taylor was just filling out her dance card. Of course it was Brenda. She’d stolen her own daughter’s life savings.

Well, that filled up a minute. Now what was she going to think about?

Well, there was Shane, having sex with a stripper. Of course he was a guy, and guys did tend to like strippers, but he also knew she was waiting for him back at the house, and Shane just did not strike her as the kind of guy who’d do that. Which was odd because ordinarily she was paranoid about that kind of thing and could work up a really good outrage, but Shane boinking a stripper a hundred yards from where she was waiting after he’d promised to come home to her?

Nah. Whatever he was doing, it wasn’t sex. Something energetic and violent, and she really didn’t want to think about where the stripper was now and what she’d done to deserve it. Maybe Taylor was hooking up with her in the afterlife. That was some comfort.

That killed another minute.

Which left her with the rest of her life.

Two Rivers was gone unless she could convince Maria that Palmer was not likely to put on a flamingo hat and screw a stripper. That was so self-evident that she was still having trouble understanding why Maria couldn’t see it—

“Why a meat fork?” the blonde said.

“Huh?” Agnes said.

“Why’d you do it with a meat fork?”

“I didn’t,” Agnes said. “As God is my witness, I did not kill him.”

“Okay, okay. What did you stab him with the first time?” Agnes sighed. “A meat fork.”

“Why a meat fork?”

“It was the first thing I grabbed. We’d had tenderloin and I’d just washed it and it was on the counter.”

“So it was just a coincidence that it was a meat fork this time, too?”

“No, somebody’s trying to frame me.”

“A lot of people knew about the first time, huh?”

“No,” Agnes said, and then stopped. “No, we kept that quiet. She must be planning on making that connection clear to the police herself, unless she already did. Huh. Wonder if she knows that’s going to backfire on her?” It wasn’t like Brenda to leave a loose end like that. Maybe she really was losing it. Beyond the craziness of murdering Taylor, maybe she was losing it completely.

“She who?”

“The woman who really did it.”

“Well, at least she killed him and not you.”

“She’s trying to kill me,” Agnes said. “It’s just not working out for her.” Which might be what was pushing her over the edge. If she was furious at Agnes for taking LL from her, if she was rabidly determined to get Two Rivers back, if she was so insane that she’d killed Taylor because he was leaving her for Agnes ...

Oh, hell,
Agnes thought.
She’s completely psycho and she thinks all her problems are my fault. Just in time for the wedding.

“Well, you’re safe in here for the weekend,” the blonde said.

Agnes sighed again. “No, I’m not. My guy will be coming to get me pretty soon.”

“The one who fucked the stripper? Nah. I’m telling you, he can’t get bail.”

“He didn’t fuck the stripper.” Agnes rolled over on her side. “And he won’t bother with bail.”

“What’s he going to do? Break you out?”

Agnes shrugged. “Whatever it takes. I have to put on a wedding tomorrow, or I lose my house, and he won’t let that happen.”

“The wedding for Barbie there? I don’t think she’s gonna get married, I think she’s leaving with Deputy Dawg.”

“My guy’ll bring her back if she does.”

The blonde craned her neck up to see Agnes. “So this guy who fucked the stripper, he’s going to break you out of jail and help with the runaway bride so you won’t lose your house. What is he, Robin Hood?”

“No, he’s a hitman.”

“Uh-huh. You’re crazy.”

“No,” Agnes said. “But I did have a court-appointed psychiatrist once.”

Then she rolled over and made a mental To Do List for when Shane came to get her.

“Agnes didn’t kill Taylor,” Shane said as he and Xavier headed up the path back to the house. He saw the crime scene tape off to the side of the trail and the deputies tripping over each other trying to investigate it.