Agatha Parrot and the Mushroom Boy (8 page)

I was on the sofa just being on the
sofa and not doing anything special. So that wasn't really worth telling you was it? Anyway THE POINT I'M TRYING TO MAKE IS . . . even though James being on the floor was funny at first, I was starting to feel a bit sorry for him.

Of course he's a big brother and therefore he is evil and selfish, but I'm sure he hadn't meant to be so mean to Ellie's mum. He'd just got a bit excited when he thought he'd won
the cake. In fact, if I'm being honest, sometimes he isn't mean at all.

I'll tell you a secret story that I hope nobody else remembers except me. One time when I was six, Ivy accidentally knocked my chocolate biscuit down the drain in the school playground and I cried for ages until James came over and gave me his. I bet it was just a dirty trick so that in future years I could never
completely
hate him, but even so, it's a trick
that's worked. So, because of that chocolate biscuit, I was just deciding to help James out when . . . a little twinkly fairy skipped into the room.

Actually it wasn't a real fairy, it was Tilly wearing her glittery ballet dress and waving a silver wand. I used to have a dress like that and dead cool I looked too. In fact if I wasn't going to be a celebrity actress supermodel when I grow up, I think being a real fairy would be neat. The world needs more fairies flying round, doing magic and making sure that your apple hasn't got a brown mushy bit and that there's no sticky patch
on the park bench when you want to sit down and useful stuff like that.

But James is a boy and so he has no magic in his heart. Instead he gave Tilly a dirty look and demanded: ‘What DO you look like?'

‘She's a beautiful fairy,' said Dad.

‘Ping pang pell, magic spell,' said Tilly dancing around James. ‘James's head is a big smelly potato.'

‘Oh grow up!' snapped James. He grabbed Tilly's wand, bent it in
half and threw it across the room. As Tilly burst into tears he shouted: ‘I hate little sisters. Why can't you be a boy like normal people?'

Oh dear. And to think I'd been feeling sorry for him . . . well that hadn't lasted long! It was going to take more than a chocolate biscuit in the playground to save him now.

I found Tilly's wand and straightened it up for her, then Mum came in holding a little sparkly
white crown. ‘Look Tilly, I found it,' she said putting it on Tilly's head. ‘There everybody, do you like Tilly's costume? Flozzy Slippin is having a magic woodland party tomorrow, and Tilly's been invited.'

‘How sad is that?' sneered James. ‘Thank goodness I've got football practice.'

Tilly stopped crying, waved her wand and turned James's head into a teapot (although it didn't look
any different).

I leant forwards to James so I could have a secret whisper.

‘James!' I whispered secretly, ‘Why do you think they wanted that cake so badly? It's for Flozzy's party. They'll be eating it!'

‘Eating the cake?' gasped James. ‘But what can I do?'

‘Go along with Tilly and help out. You'll be showing Ellie's mum that there's no hard feelings about
the competition. You could offer to cut the cake for them,' I said. ‘That way you could make sure there's no . . . er . . .
nasty surprises
.'

James's eyes lit up with excitement. He could slip the remote out and chop the rest of the cake into bits and nobody would know!

‘Are you talking about my cake?' asked the grumpy man with rainbow toenails. ‘What do you mean
nasty surprises
?'

‘Don't worry, Dad,' said James. ‘I'll get rid of any bits that look funny, even if it means I'm late for football practice.'

‘You needn't be too late,' I said. ‘You can wear your football kit underneath it, so when you get to the pitch you just have to take it off, and you'll be ready.'

Mum, Dad, James and Tilly all stared at me blankly. They had absolutely no idea what I was
talking about ha ha! So I just sat there smiling sweetly at James, and waited for him to ask the question that was bothering them all.

‘I don't understand,' said James. ‘I can wear my kit underneath
what
? And then take
what
off?'

‘Oh honestly James,' I said. ‘It's obvious isn't it? You're going to a magic woodland party. There's no way they're going to let you in without . . .
a costume
!'

H
ere comes the most useful bit of information in this book: happiness is watching your eleven-year-old brother trying to get into a six-year-old's fairy dress.

Oh yes!
When Mum had first
mentioned the woodland party, my idea had been that James should wear my old fairy costume. He wasn't happy about it, not happy AT ALL! But by the time the next afternoon had arrived, James had realised that he didn't have much choice.

We all spent about twenty minutes watching him stick his feet through the legholes of the leotard and then roll around the floor as he tried to pull the shoulder straps up.
It was no good, he could only do it if he was bent double, and instead of a fairy he looked like a squashed fly.

Obviously the fairy outfit wasn't going to work, but what else could James use for a woodland party costume? It isn't every day that you get a chance to make your big brother wear absolutely anything you want. I was tugging at my hair like I do when I'm having a think when suddenly: ‘I know where there's a costume!' I said. ‘In the shed!'

‘The shed?' they all gasped.

‘There's only a few spades and the hosepipe,' said Dad. ‘And that smelly old red armchair.'

‘Perfect,' I said. Everybody looked at me like I'd gone bonkers, but I hadn't.

Soon James was standing outside the shed with the big flat cushion from the armchair tied across the top of his head. Mum had brought out an old white sheet and Tilly helped her
wrap it all round James's body and fix it with safety pins. It turned out even better than I thought it would! Can you guess what James was supposed to be? I'll give you a clue: what's this book called?

Yes indeed James had turned into the perfect giant mushroom with a white stalk and a red top. What's more, he had to stay that way: ‘. . .
or you're not coming to the party!
' said Tilly strictly.

It got even better when Dad tipped the recycling bin out and found a load of round lids from jam jars and pickled onion pots. We got some tape and stuck the lids all over the cushion because it's a fact that magic woodland mushrooms are always spotty. It's true, you ask anyone. By the time we'd finished James looked like a total whoopsie, and the best bit was that the sheet round his legs meant that he could
only move along by doing little jumps and that made all the lids come loose and rattle about. Was that wicked or what?
Ha ha ha ha ha!

‘Don't you DARE tell my friends about this,' James warned me.

Honestly James! He really shouldn't go giving me ideas. And just then I looked over the fence and spotted Martha staring down at us from her bedroom window. She had a big laugh on her face.

‘Don't worry James,' I said to him, but I knew Martha was listening. ‘I couldn't tell your friends even if I wanted to. I don't
have their phone numbers.'

‘Good,' said James.

When I looked back at Martha's window, she was gone. Martha quite likes to kick a football with the boys sometimes, and she DID have their numbers. She knew they wouldn't want to miss this!

‘It's time to go,' said Tilly. ‘Or we'll be late.'

It took James ages to waddle, hop and shuffle himself in the back
door and through to our hallway. Tilly ran ahead and opened the front door. Odd Street was all very quiet so James took a deep breath and then jumped out, hopped down our little front path and on to the pavement.
Ping dang doddle!
went all the lids.

As you should know by now, Ellie Slippin and all her lot are only two doors along at number 9, but James could only do his silly little jumps. It took him ages to get there, with Tilly
the fairy skipping round and round him turning him into a banana, a cheese stick and an umbrella along the way.

‘OH WOW OH WOW OH WOW!'
came Ivy's voice as we passed number 7. She had seen us out of their downstairs window. ‘THAT IS SO . . . OH WOW!'

Ivy was making so much noise that the Slippin front door opened and Ellie came out. She's a bit nervous is Ellie, so as soon as she
saw James, she hurried out past their little front flower bed and came to stand behind me for safety.

‘I have bad dreams about giant mushrooms,' said Ellie. ‘They scare me.'

‘Don't worry Ellie, they can't hurt you,' I told her.

‘They can when they've got vampire teeth and machine guns,' said Ellie.

Poor Ellie. James must have been the most unscary thing ever, but I
could feel her shaking behind me. By this time a whole crowd of pixies, elves, goblins and other fairies had come pouring out of the front door. Flozzy and her friends were all a lot smaller than James, and as soon as they saw him they gathered around to stand under his sofa cushion and do a happy little woodland dance.

‘What a lovely costume, James,' said a big jolly gnome who turned out to be Ellie's uncle. ‘Let's have a
photo of everybody, and I want you in the middle.'

FLASH
went the camera. All the little girls rushed over to see themselves on the little screen, leaving James standing awkwardly by the gate.

‘Oh James, you were looking down,' said the gnome. ‘All we can see is the cushion. We'll have one more, but this time James, let's see your face and give us a big smile. Say cheese.'

All the little girls ran back giggling and hugged James's legs. The big gnome was holding the camera all ready. James was staring at the ground but he knew he was going to have to get this over with.
He took a deep breath then looked up and did a big sunny smile . . .

‘
Cheeeeeeeeeese!
'

. . . Just as two boys in football kit rode past on their bikes.

‘Hey look, it's JAMES!' screamed Matty the goalkeeper. ‘What team do you think YOU'RE on, James?'

‘Wait till we tell the others!' cried Liam.

‘Wah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha . . . !' They were laughing so much that I
thought they were going to fall off their bikes.