Against the Wall (23 page)

Next, I hug my brother. It’s comforting to have him here, and in this moment, I really feel how much I miss him and wish he’d come home.

And then … Matty. I fling my hands around his neck and yank him down for my first New Year’s kiss. He lifts me off the ground and hugs me so tightly I feel it in my ribs. I lift my legs to encircle his waist and I don’t want to let go.

“
Sorry,” I say into his ear. “I couldn’t resist.”

“
Shhh. This is perfect.” He kisses me again, this time on the cheek before I feel my feet touch the floor.

For the next few minutes, we circle the room exchanging hugs and best wishes for the upcoming year. It reminds me of square dancing in the fifth grade. You dance with one person and then turn to another, constantly changing partners until …

Chase is right in front of me.

He opens his arms to me. My first thought is to punch him in the gut, but then I realize if I stay mad at him forever, I may never move on. I have to work with this guy so I need to fix it. Sure, he’s a total dick for what he did, but holding a grudge forever makes it seem like I’m holding on to him. And I’m done with the past. I know I’m over Chase. I don’t feel that yearning for him anymore, or even the pain of what he did.

I’ve really moved on.

I get it now.

Finally.

So I open my arms to him too, and we embrace. It feels a lot like a goodbye to my past. Like I’m finally letting go. I don’t feel sad. What I feel is more like relief, that I’m free from his hold on me. I’m free to start fresh this year, and not be tied up with all the nonsense of Chase.

I release my hold on him and try to step back. I look up at him and smile a farewell. At least, it’s what I feel like I’m doing. Chase doesn’t get it though because he takes this as his chance to plant a smackdown on me with his lips mashed into mine. I put my hands on his shoulders to push him back, but then I just relax in the moment. If I wasn’t sure before—even though I
was
pretty fucking sure—I know now it’s totally over. Chase’s lips are totally smothered all over mine right now—his mouth is closed, thank God—and I feel nothing. I let it continue to be sure, but still … nothing. Not a damn thing. Zilch. No wobbly knees, no tingling in my thighs, no heat penetrating down there. No love making my heart go pitter patter. Nothing. Zip.

It’s over.

We finally separate. I pat his chest and tell him, “Thank you, Chase. That was just what I needed.” I give him one last smile and turn to walk away forever—metaphorically speaking though, because I will still see him at work on Monday. But when I turn, I see Matty, who does not look too happy to see me.

He doesn’t say anything. He walks away, and as I hurry to follow him, Mel stops me.

“
Did I just see you kissing Chase?” she asks, with a disgusted look on her face.

“
Yeah, but it’s not what you think.”

“
I’ve heard that before. What the shithole, Shel?”

“
I’ll explain to you later. Right now, I need to talk to Matty,” I reply.

I wander around outside but there is no sign of him. I look throughout the house, but he’s not there either. The car, maybe he went to the car.

I grab my coat and head outside. I walk past many houses and when I get to where we’re parked, he’s not there either. I must have missed him inside.

When I get back to the party, I see Mel first.

“
I can’t find Matty,” I tell her.

“
He left,” she says.

“
What? No he didn’t. His car is still here,” I explain.

“
He gave your brother his keys and got a ride with John.” She throws her arm around me and squeezes. “He’s pretty upset. You kissed
Chase
? Of all fucking people?”

I roll my eyes. “I didn’t kiss Chase. He kissed me.”

“
He said he heard you tell Chase you needed him,” she continues.

“
Oh son of a mother lover. Matty should know better. He didn’t hear me say those exact words. Can you get Ty? I wanna go home.” The tears are threatening to break free and I want to get out of here before I cause a scene, or a scandal. I can just see the headlines at work on Monday. No thank you.

I can’t believe Matty is choosing now to act like a punk. I didn’t say I needed Chase. He needs to clean out his ears. He doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about. He just took off and didn’t give me a chance to explain. Un-fucking-believable. I thought he had confidence in me. In us.

What bullshit?

He just ran away.

By the time I get home, I’m seething mad. I don’t allow myself to be sad and weepy about Matty leaving me hanging. I’m just
pissed
he left me hanging. I could ring his stupid gorgeous neck right now.

I toss around in bed, which seems like a sea of never ending space without him here. I look at the clock and it’s only been about fifteen minutes since I’ve been lying here. It feels like time is standing still. The minutes on the clock can’t seem to turn fast enough. It’s just after one and the Lady Antebellum booty call song starts playing in my head. I fight the urge to sing it aloud, knowing I’ll probably start crying if I do.

Sure, I’m all alone and I’m drunk and I want to call him. But I’m not going to. Fuck him. I’m not going to go out in the middle of the night and look for him. I did once already, only to find he left my ass there. Without a single word. He just left.

But I am going to text him.

Well I guess it was only a matter of time before you left me too.

I wait. Five minutes. Ten minutes. No texts back.

So I send another:

It’s just too bad you didn’t stick around long enough for me to tell you what I figured out tonight.

I wait again.

Nothing.

Last text:

I guess you’ll never know.

Fucker.

I love you …

I stare at the text on my screen for a long time. But instead of sending it, I back space thirteen times and erase the whole damn thing.

The first day back after winter break always sucks ass. Nobody ever wants to be here. Not the kids, and not even the teachers. It almost feels like the first day all over again. It takes a while to get back in the groove of things. To remember old routines, and for some students, I have to remember their names.

Even worse is the fact I still haven’t spoken to Matty. I went from absolutely pissed off to painfully sad, and now I’m just completely irritated he’s being such a baby. He has no idea what he saw and he’s not even taking the time to figure it out.

I thought maybe he’d meet me in the parking lot as usual and we’d talk on our way to class. But nothing. Then, I thought maybe he’d stop by during lunch. But nothing. I even stayed after school for an extra thirty minutes in hopes he’d visit once all the students went home. Yet, nothing.

On my way to my car, I hear a student whisper to another, “Did you hear Ms. Gelson and Mr. Marino are back together?” I want to stop and set them straight, but I don’t.
This
is really the talk on campus?

Mel comes over to watch me drag ass all night, wondering how I’m going to fix this. Or if I even want to. She’s dragging ass just as much as I am. She misses my brother, and so do I.

“
Want another beer?” she asks.

“
Do you have to ask?” I try sarcasm, hoping it will snap me out of my funk.

She brings me another bottle and plops herself down next to me.

“
See, I told you this wouldn’t work. I should have never gotten involved with him in the first place. I knew this was gonna happen. Now, not only do I not have him as a whatever he was, but I don’t have him as a friend either. Matty sucks.”

“
Don’t be such a pussy, Shel. First, things are gonna work out. He just needs a minute to understand what happened. Second, if he’s gonna be a pussy too, then you don’t need him. As a ... whatever it is he was ... or as a friend. Screw ‘em.”

This doesn’t make me feel any better.

It’s Tuesday morning. I arrive and walk to my classroom alone, again. His car was in the parking lot already, which makes me a little bitchy since he didn’t wait. Thankfully, being a teacher is like being an actor. From bell to bell, I can put on a smiley face and pretend I’m in another world. But those seven minutes in between classes really suck when I check my messages, and there’s nothing. Or when I check my email, and the only message I have is from my department chair talking about Friday’s meeting. I take a quick glance at my cell. One message from Mel checking to see if I’ve made contact yet. Nope.

Nothing.

I meet Mel in the staff lounge for lunch. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised to find Matty’s not here.

“
I’m gonna kick his ass to Sunday when I see him,” I tell her when I reach the table.

She shoves a handful of Doritos in her mouth. “No doubt. I thought for sure he’d be here.”

I start to gnaw on some carrots in frustration. “Wanna come over again tonight?” I ask her.

“
Girl, we need to chill. This past year of man trouble has really done me in. My party liver can’t keep up. I’m like a case of wine away from AA, and you’re probably even closer than I am.”

For the first time since the new year, I laugh. Out loud.

“
You’re so right. I was brushing my teeth this morning and I was still burping beer.”

“
Maybe he’ll call tonight,” she says, with a weak smile.

But he doesn’t.

I’m getting sad.

Wednesday. Rinse, wash, and repeat from the day before.

In the morning, he’s not waiting for me.

At lunch, he’s MIA.

After school, I wait like a dumb ass again.

In the evening, still no Matty.

I’m even more sad.

Thursday. The same. And now …

I’m fucking mad as hell.

When Friday morning rolls around and Matty’s car is not in the parking lot when I get to work, I wonder if I should wait for him. I decide against it. Instead, I sneak into his classroom. I leave a large mocha latte and a supersized Rice Krispie Treat on his desk, along with a sticky note that reads:

If you don’t come and see me TODAY, your ass is gonna be sorry when I find you myself.

He doesn’t show to our staff meeting. Or at lunch.

My student aide tells me, “My friend told me Mr. Fuller has a picture of you on his desk and he’s been staring at it all week. He’ll come around.” She squeezes my hand on the way out and it amazes me the kids are so in tune with what’s going on around here. He has a picture of me. And he’s been looking at it. Should be a good sign, right?

Okay buddy, it’s after school. Now or never. Well, not never. If he doesn’t show, it just means I have to go looking for his dumb ass. He doesn’t get to say all those wonderful things to me and make me feel the way I do, and then just walk away when he thinks he sees something he really didn’t. Sure, it probably wasn’t the best idea to let Chase kiss me, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. It just solidified my already disappearing feelings for Chase and gave me the closure I needed to move forward. Now, if Matty would just let me explain.

I’m sitting at my computer entering in grades when I hear the door screech open. A giddy smile spreads over my face, as I swivel my chair around to see him.

Son of a bizatch. It’s Chase.

My smile extinguishes.

“
Sorry to interrupt,” he says, taking a step forward.

“
Don’t worry about it. I was just expecting someone,” I say, waving him off. It’s been over an hour since school’s been out. He’s not coming.

“
Fuller didn’t show?” he asks. How does he know? Damn it. The whole effing school probably knows he’s not talking to me.

“
Nope,” I tell him, but I’m not interested in talking about it with him. The sooner I get rid of him, the better. “What’s up, Chase?”

“
I was thinking about New Year’s Eve, and I realized I screwed things up for you.” He pauses. “You were trying to tell me something and I didn’t get it then, but I do now.” He sits on one of the student desks. “You were saying goodbye, weren’t you?”