Against Football (7 page)

No one's saying it's easy. I've spent years trying to quit football, trying to view the game as a childish retreat from the world's real crises, a callous endorsement of authoritarian thinking, and so forth. During my post-collegiate Diaspora, I spent years wandering from one city to the next, searching, it seems to me now, mostly for a TV upon which I could watch the Raiders.

In Greensboro, North Carolina, where I arrived in the mid-nineties to become a writer and alienate everyone on earth, I hiked up to campus every Sunday looking for an empty student lounge. The Raiders themselves were never on. Still, I'd stand there for three hours watching teams I didn't even like, games that meant nothing in my grid of devotion, refusing to sit because I needed to believe I was going to be there for just a few minutes.

What kept me hooked was the limbic tingle familiar to any football fan, the sense that I was watching an event that
mattered.
The speed and scale of the game, the noise of the crowd, the grandiloquent narration and caffeinated camera angles—all these signaled a heightened quality of attention.
The players dashed about, their bodies lit in a kind of bright funnel of consequence.

A few years later I moved to Somerville, Mass, where I located a vast bacterial sports bar called the Good Times Emporium that catered to sickos like me. Imagine the wish complex of a thirteen-year-old boy detonated inside an airplane hanger: batting cages, bumper cars, paintball. They broadcast games at full-volume on giant washed-out screens, under which labored beautiful sullen barmaids with stretch marks and tattoos.

Every Sunday in autumn, I drove there to watch my team and to curse softly into my chicken wings. Because Good Times showed every NFL game, guys would show up in team jerseys and share pitchers of beer and roar together at the big plays and bellow at the injustices. We all understood the brazen con to which we were a party, that our primitive loyalties defined us as marks, that our favorite player might be gone by next year, or next week, that some gilded owner, if so inclined by market forces, would happily ship our entire team to a new city, that we were, objectively speaking, cheering for bright laundry.

Sometimes, during commercials, I would gaze around that bar, at the other men gazing upon their teams, the abject gleam in their eyes. In those moments I could see the tender truth nestled within each of us. We weren't rooting for our teams. We were rooting for ourselves.

Eventually, I got to recognize my fellow Raiders lifers. There were only four of us. We'd sit at separate tables and howl complaints, exchange looks of misery or the rare awkward high five. When the game was over, or we'd given up on the Raiders coming back, we'd leave without saying goodbye. The whole interaction felt illicit, intimate then shockingly hollow, like anonymous sex.

I told no one—not even close friends—about these excursions. They seemed unworthy of the literary artist I was striving, and failing, to become. But those afternoons were the central emotional events of my life. How else can I explain the way my hands would tremble in the parking lot? How my heart hammered the moment I saw the lovely silver and black of the Raiders' uniforms? After a tough loss, I would sit in my car and replay the fatal moments in my head until my fool heart ached.

There are all sorts of laudable reasons people watch sports, and football in particular. We wish to reconnect to the unscripted physical pleasures of childhood. We wish for moral structure in a world that feels chaotic, a chance to scratch the inborn itch for tribal affiliation. Sports allow men, in particular, a common language by which to converse.

When we root for a team, the conscious desire is to see them win, to bask in reflected glory. But the unconscious function of fandom is, I think, just the opposite. It's a form of surrender to our essential helplessness in the universal order.
In an age of scientific assurance, people still yearn for spiritual struggle. Fandom allows us to fire our faith in the forge of loss. Because our teams inevitably do lose. And this experience forms the bedrock of our identification.

Backing a team helps Americans, in particular, contend with the unease of living in the most competitive society on earth, a society in which we're
socialized
to feel like losers. That's the special sauce that capitalism puts on the burgers. It's how you turn citizens into efficient workers and consumers. You convince them that they are forever falling behind. Losing time. Losing money. Losing status. Losing hair. Losing potency. Losing the edge. We feel that we're losing all the time, simply by failing to win it all. We squander our talents, we mismanage the clock, we choke in the clutch. Our teams enact public dramas that we experience as struggles to transcend our own private defects.

We need look no further for evidence than to the proliferation of sports talk radio. Anyone who's listened to this format will tell you that nothing lights up the phone lines like a crushing loss. And what one hears in the callers' voices, beneath the bluster, is actually quite moving: an effort to preserve belief amid the tribulation of defeat.

I'm afraid that brings us back to the Raiders, and to the single play I have thought about more over the past decade than, for instance, the births of my children. (Please know that I am as disgusted with myself as you are right now.)

In January of 2002, the Raiders flew east to face the Patriots in a playoff game. I had been in Somerville a few years by then, and my friend Zach had stupidly agreed to let me watch the game at his place. I can still remember the color of the sky that morning, the dense gunmetal of a looming storm. By game time, huge, Hollywood-styled snowflakes were twirling down. They blotted out the yard markers and made traction nearly impossible, which lent the game a slapstick air.

The Raiders dominated, but the Patriots rallied late, led by a rookie quarterback named Tom Brady. Down three points with two minutes left, he dropped back to pass and found his receivers blanketed.

If I close my eyes I can still see Brady there, hopping about in the snow like a sparrow. He cocks his right arm as if to pass, thinks better of it, then pulls the ball down and pats it with his left hand. At this precise moment, Raiders cornerback Charles Woodson, deployed on an impeccably executed blitz, crashes into Brady and rakes away the ball. The ball lands in the snow, where it sits for an excruciating half-second. It is one of those enthralling moments, unique to football, where nobody knows what the hell is going on. At last, Raiders middle linebacker Greg Biekert falls on the ball. The Raiders can now run out the clock. The game is over.

I rose out of my chair and made animal sounds. Then I turned to Zach and said something gracious, how the Pats had played a good game, the kind of thing I can summon only when my team has won. Zach was still watching the TV.

Zach was still watching the TV because the referee had
announced that the play would be reviewed. Two minutes later, the referee clicked on his mic and explained that Brady was attempting to “tuck” the ball as he was stripped and was therefore, by some malicious metaphysical logic, still in the act of passing, rendering his fumble an incomplete pass. The Raiders never recovered from the shock. They lost the game in overtime. New England went on to win the Super Bowl.

If you were to plot the fortunes of NFL franchises on a graph—something I have come close to doing in dark moments—the Tuck Play would mark the spot where the Pats began their dynastic arc while the Raiders stumbled into disgrace. This play
should
have marked the spot on the map where my devotion waned.

Just the opposite happened. I spent the next hour (read: five years) trying to get Zach to admit that Brady had fumbled the ball. I argued with strangers, too. I nearly came to blows with a guy at my gym. And I tracked every phase of the Raiders' ensuing swoon, the carousel of inept coaches, the bungled draft picks, every senseless, drive-killing penalty.

A saner human being would have jumped ship years ago. Instead, I am that one sad asshole who quietly roots against the Pats every time they have a big playoff game—games, incidentally, that I often have to plead to watch at the homes of my friends, who hate having me there. But I am not a saner human being. Which is why I have watched the highlights of the Patriots losing their perfect 18–0 season to the Giants in Super Bowl XLII no fewer than twenty times.

There is no use in my attempting to justify this behavior. But the deranged patterns of our fandom, though they may manifest themselves in the here and now, took shape years ago. When I consider my earliest fervor for the Raiders, I don't think about the three Super Bowls they won. I think about the fact that they could never beat the Pittsburgh Steelers.

This is a direct result of growing up in the shadow of a domineering older brother who, mostly out of spite, rooted for the Steelers. I felt about the Raiders the way I felt about myself: that no matter what I achieved in the world, I would never vanquish Dave. And thus I spent the dim Decembers of my youth in the same state of grievance I would experience three decades later in New England.

The record books suggest that the Raiders beat the Steelers just as often as they lost. But what matters to a fan is the history your heart constructs. Long before the Tuck Play, I'd withstood the Immaculate Reception, in which Steelers running back Franco Harris plucked a deflected fourth-down pass off his shoe tops and galloped 43 yards for a touchdown with thirteen seconds left to knock the Raiders out of the playoffs. Cataclysm is my default setting as a fan.

I assumed that getting married and having kids would break my habit once and for all. But adult responsibilities have a way of sending us scurrying for the vestiges of our youth. Three seasons ago, I ordered a friend whom I was visiting to drive me thirty-five miles to a sports bar with satellite TV,
all so I could watch the Raiders, finally within smelling distance of a playoff spot, destroy the 3–8 Miami Dolphins. After three quarters, Oakland trailed 34–0.

At such moments, sitting in a loud, corporate-themed sports bar in Greenville, South Carolina on the brink of tears, I am apt to reflect on the urtext of football freaks, Frederick Exley's novel
A Fan's Note.
“Whatever it was,” he writes, “I gave myself up to the [New York] Giants utterly. The recompense I gained was the feeling of being alive.”

It sounds romantic to be that abject. But the relationship Exley is describing is essentially vampiric. His hero looks to the Giants each Sunday to awaken him from the spiritual stupor of his life. That could be religion—or addiction.

“When I drank by myself, the liquor truly seemed like the one thing that gave me access to my true feelings,” Caroline Knapp writes in
Drinking: A Love Story,
her searing account of alcoholism. It provided “an illusion of emotional authenticity which you can see as false only in retrospect.” Reading these words, I thought about all the times I'd watched football alone, how much hope and sorrow had surged through me and how hollow I'd felt afterward, how hungover.

Knapp writes also about the camaraderie of drink, the way drunks will find cover by seeking out other drunks. This aspect of fandom may do the most, in the end, to insulate football from ethical scrutiny. The NFL, and the bloated media cult that feeds off of it, rely on us fans not to connect
the dots. But to an even larger extent we rely on each other. There's safety in numbers.

As a writer living outside Boston, I tend to hang around with a bunch of highly educated smart alecks. But of all my male pals, there's exactly one who isn't conversant in football. The rest range from casual to fervent as fans. Here are the two most telling facts about this population.

Fact #1: They all admit to having moral qualms about watching football.

Fact #2: They all watch anyway.

Even the poets! My friend Dave is a Pittsburgh native who watched Tony Dorsett during his years at Pitt. He was so devastated to learn of Dorsett's cognitive decline that he lectured his college students about the tolls of football. He also confessed to me that he couldn't bring himself to take down the Terrible Towel hanging on the wall of his cubicle.