Agaat (99 page)

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Authors: Marlene van Niekerk

BOOK: Agaat
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Let His will be done.
His kingdom come.
For His is the power and the glory,
For ever and ever.
Amen.
 
Could she really have written that? My sentimental, hypochondriac mother with her head full of romantic German melodies? So force-fed with the insanity of this country? Sounded more like Pa's language. Toastmaster bravado. But without a trace of irony.
I loved her, in my way. But that I shouldn't have read.
Also not the epitaph. In the barn in the back Agaat went to show it to me, the headstone, neatly engraved.
Kamilla Redelinghuys. 11/3/1926-16/12/1996
Passed away peacefully.
And then God saw that it was Good.
How people can get it into their heads.
Cold I am all of a sudden. Could I be the only person awake in this plane? Moonlight on the cloud canopy. The curtain of the service galley has been drawn.
How can Grootmoedersdrift determine my idea of myself? Unavoidable. And yet, the meaning of my existence is elsewhere, always and in principle elsewhere, even if I were to stay here, in a realm of thought where the thoughts assess themselves, the region where you always listen at a distance.
Is listening enough? For how long? Before I'm forced to do something? At least my will has been lodged with the attorneys in Swellendam, the farm made over to Agaat. She can bequeath it one day to whomever she wants. Is man enough, will battle through the rest. With hand-plough and mules, with churn and sickle and harness-cask and threshing-floor if need be, like the first farmers on the land. She's part of the place, from the beginning. Calloused, salted, brayed, the lessons of the masters engraved in her like the law on the tablets of stone, deeper and clearer than I could ever preserve it. She knows the soil. She knows the language. She knows her place. She'll look after herself. And maintain her shrine inviolate. Going every day to beat her forehead in its white cap against the bedstead like a Jew by the Wailing Wall. With this difference: The promised land is hers already, her creator is keeping remote control. Six feet under.
It's not a country for me to live in. To study, yes.
The Fat-Anna Schotisse. The Stormberg Vastrap
. Nobody has yet written up how exactly this music functioned in the identity-formation of the Afrikaner. Only ever
Heimwee
by S. le Roux Marais. Couldn't with the best will in the world call that a fado.
Yesterday's newspaper I left at the airport. Remarkable journalism. Rugby players on the front page and the back page and the centre pages, lawlessness and corruption, child rape, political denial of AIDS, middle-class sex scandals, letters from indignant creationists.
How in God's name is it to carry on from here?
In the first place: For the execution of useful research the impulse to go and work for the Red Cross must be suppressed. That's what I tell myself.
I just want to cauterise it all neatly now. A dry white scar, une cicatrice. Perhaps still slightly sensitive during changes of season in the northern hemisphere. Mourning is a life-long occupation, says my therapist. That is what I must do then. Must learn to do. Mourn my mother, my mothers, the white one and the brown one. Mourn my country. Pa who understood better than Ma how things worked between them, but who couldn't help himself.
They had to lug the branch out of him, I've since heard, with the letter that Gaat wrote on my behalf, covered in blood in his pants pocket. Fancy the detail. Just after it happened, she wrote to me that he'd had an accident with his car in the drift, full stop.
So it was ‘my' letter, then, that caused it. My poor father.
My poor mother.
What remains? Grieving. Grieving till I've mastered the hat-trick.
The difficult triple sanity: Wafer, stone, and flower in turn. de Wet individuated.
Do I hear something under the engine noise, through the air conditioning? A melody? A rhythm?
Why that? Of all things? Gaat's story, the last story that she always had to tell me before I'd go to sleep, the one she never wanted Ma to hear. Her voice close to me, her forehead bent over me, the embroidery on her cap very close, white sheep, white flowers, white, mountains and trees . . .
Images behind my eyelids. High up in my nose a prickling, sooty, smoky, the ember-fire in Gaat's room. Every word. If she left out one, I knew. If she told anything differently, I protested. Or I said, start all over, you're not telling it right. Emphases, rhythms, repetitions, questions. Agaat's strong arm around my shoulders, her small hand on my chest. Her voice, incantatory.
 
Once upon a time, long, long ago, there was a woman who was terribly unhappy. She lived with her husband on a farm at the foot of a big blue mountain next to a river. Her house stood close to a drift amongst high trees in a garden filled with flowers. It had two white gables and a stoep and many rooms inside. At night when the noises of day died down, and she heard the river flowing, the wind in the trees, the sound of the sleeping mountain, g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g, like the soughing of a shell against your ear, then she was very sad and then she cried in her bed, softly so that her husband shouldn't wake up. He was a good-looking man with shiny black hair, but his heart was cold. In a loud voice he bragged about nothing at all, his hand was cruel and his head was filled with flippancies. He couldn't comfort her.
The man was one reason for her unhappiness. But there was another greater reason. Can you guess what it was?
Was she as ugly as sin?
No, she was pretty enough.
Was she poor?
No, she was rich.
Was she without friends?
No, she knew lots of people.
Had her mother cast her off?
No, her mother was fond enough of her, even though she was strict and a bit stingy.
Then I don't know. Why then was she so unhappy?
She was childless, the woman, and she couldn't fall pregnant and she'd been married for seven years. That was the reason for her sadness.
But then one day she went to visit her mother's farm beyond the big blue mountain. And when twelve o'clock struck, her mother said to her:
Go and see there in the labourers' cottages, there's a little girl who's been cast off, perhaps you can help her.
And the woman reached the houses of the workers, small brown houses on dry brown soil, and she thought, what am I doing here? Here there are only feather-legged chickens and dogs lying long-tongue in the sun.
But the door to one of the little houses was ajar. And the woman went to stand at the opening and called and knocked, but nobody came out.
So then she pushed open the door.
G-g-g-g-creaked the hinge.
It was pitch-dark inside. At first she could make out nothing, but when her eyes got accustomed, she saw a pitch-black hole. It was the fireplace, full of ash and soot and burnt-out logs. And in the corner of the hearth sat a pitch-black something.
And she went closer and she saw the thing had legs.
And the thing had arms.
And the thing's head was hidden deep in her clothes.
And the clothes had holes.
And through the holes she counted ribs.
And the elbows were chapped.
And the knees were grazed.
And the hair full of lice.
And the ears were stopped with wax.
And around the neck was a necklace of dirt.
And the feet were full of mud.
And the woman looked even closer and saw that the thing had one arm thinner than the other and one crooked shoulder and one hand with fingers clawed together, it looked like the head of a snake.
And the woman knelt before the thing in the fireplace and she asked:
What is your name?
And she pricked up her ears to hear but there was no reply.
What is your name? she asked again, are you perhaps the child that's been cast off?
And she listened even more closely and still she heard nothing.
Look at me, she said, tell me, what do they call you?
And she put her hand on the crooked shoulder and the creature shrank into itself and then she heard something.
G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g.
And the thing looked even blacker than before, and she felt as cold under the woman's hand as a burnt-out coal.
And then the woman got very angry.
Little rapscallion, she said, and she grabbed the thing by the neck and plucked it out of the hearth-hole and she dragged it out, out by the door, into the bright sunshine.
Stand up straight, she said, so that I can see what kind of an animal you are!
And then she saw that it was a little girl. And the child took one look at her, and she jerked loose, and took off from there, the chickens scattered and the dogs made way and the woman ran after.
Little tin-arse, she screamed, you I'm catching today!
Over the ditches the little girl jumped, barefoot over the stones, through the thorns, this way round a bush, other way round a tree, over an ant-hill, faster than the white-foot hare with the woman right behind her. And they ran and they ran, far over the veld, far over the fallow land, and down the dust-road all the way to the top of the dam wall, and the woman grabbed her round the body, and she fell on top of the child flat on the ground.
And the child kicked, and the child bit, and she wriggled, and she coughed and she blew and she g-g-g-g-g-g-ed and she squeaked, but the woman held on with all her might and she said:
You I'm washing white as snow today!
And she dragged her to the dam and she dunked her in and she started washing her with a white handkerchief, but the handkerchief turned black and the water turned black and the child stayed black.
You I'm taking home today, said the woman, you I'm taming, you I'm turning white!
And she packed her in a little box, as small as a watch, as black as a cricket and she took her along over the mountain to the house with the two white gables by the river.
What is that, asked the husband?
It's a child, said the woman.
It's a stone, said the husband, it's a piece of coal.
And the woman said, just you wait, you'll see, her I'll cut down to size, her I'll wash till she's clean.
And the woman she scours and the woman she spits and the woman she blows and the woman she buffs and the woman she rubs and the woman she scrubs, and the child doesn't turn white, but she does come out clean and she's turned out brown.
What's your name? Is your tongue gone, then, little ash-potato, asks the woman, open your mouth.
But the child wouldn't talk and the child wouldn't eat and child she stayed as shut as a stone.
And the woman she pinches and the woman she slaps and the woman she threatens and the woman she pleads and the woman she swears and the woman she screams and jumps up and down and later she's worn out with struggling and she locks up the child in the back room of the house and she sits down in a little heap with her head on her knees and she weeps.
Dumbstupid woman! the farmer scolded. Look, now you're even unhappier than you were before. It's a bad child you've brought into our house, it's a dung beetle.
And the woman said: Just you wait, you'll see, I know she's good, she'll bring us lots of happiness yet.
And the woman made a slot in the door and she whistled through it at the child, and all day she sang and she played the piano and she rang the bells and she struck on sticks and she made her dresses and shadow-animals and verses and the sweetest foods. But the child stayed small and hard and stiff and she said not a word and she slid away under her bed and she rolled herself into a ball in the corner of her room.
And then one day the woman had a bright idea and she said:
I found you in the cold pitch-black fireplace. Perhaps what you need is a real live fire!
And when the woman said ‘fire' then the child's eyes shone like two morning stars, and she leapt up there, can you believe it, and she became as lively as an ant and she searched for dry grasses and a ball of paper and she gathered the twigs and the sticks and she carried three pine cones and five old mealie cobs and piled everything in a heap and the woman dragged up three big logs and she took an ember from the stove and she placed it under the heap and she said to the child:
Now blow, my child, for all you're worth, and do get some life!
And the child she bulged her cheeks and she blew and she blew with all her might, and before long a little spiral of smoke arose and a little flame leapt up and the heap caught fire. And it crackled and sputtered and the sparks they flew and the fire it flared up and the flames they beckoned with hot red hands and they said:
Come, little child, come! And dance and sing because we are the place you come from! You come from the hearth, you come from the wind, from the glow of the wood, from the soot-black chimney that
sucks up sparks and that speckles the lily with ash, you come from the smoke that turns the sun red as copper and the moon as yellow as gold.
And from that day the little girl was good and sweet and a child like every other child and she was baptised with the name Good.

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