After the Sky Fell Down (10 page)

“My parents said I can drive it.”

“You can’t drive it!  That’s Ben’s truck, not yours!” she gasped.

“Calm down Kathryn.”

“No.  You can’t be driving his truck.  I’m not going with you. I’m not getting in that truck!” she shouted, turning and heading back to the front door, but was stopped when Luke grabbed her by the arm.

“Stop it Kathryn!  Get a hold of yourself.  You’re being ridiculous!  It’s Ben’s truck. He loved that truck.  He wouldn’t want it just sitting there.  He was my brother.  You’re not the only one who lost someone.  I lost my brother.  My
brother
!  Or did you forget that you’re not the only one hurting right now?  Did you ever think that maybe driving his truck makes me feel closer to him?  I’m not going to apologize for that,” he said, his voice stern as his familiar hazel eyes bored into hers.

Like earlier, his words stopped her cold and she suddenly realized Luke was right.  Since Ben died she’d only been thinking of herself and the agony she was feeling, not what others were feeling too.  But looking at Luke now, st
anding on the porch, she saw what she’d been ignoring for the past month, that his eyes were as empty as hers.  They’d all lost someone who meant the world to them and rather than finding comfort with them, she’d pushed everyone away who had loved Ben as much as she did.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “I just can’t imagine sitting in that truck without him.”

Luke laughed softly and smiled, glancing over at the truck.  “It’s still strange for me too.  I keep expecting him to run out and yell at me for driving it.”

“I don’t think he’d yell at you.”

“I hope not.”

Kathryn began the short walk to the truck hesitantly.  As her hand rested on the door, she nervously opened it and the familiar scent of the truck hit her like a ton of bricks, causing a sharp pain in her chest.  She took a deep breath and pulled herself inside, realizing how difficult it was to climb into the truck without Ben’s help.  Once inside, her body molded to the familiar upholstery.  Her eyes darted from the dashboard, to the rearview mirror, down to the floor mats and then over to the driver’s seat, which was noticeably vacant.  She imagined the last time Ben had been sitting in that seat and holding her hand, squeezing every so often.  She could still feel the ridges of his joints and the calluses
on his fingertips from learning to play the guitar.  She could still feel him with her.

The door opened then and Luke sat in the driver’s seat.  Despite his physical similarities to Ben, he looked strange sitting where his brother always had.  Part of her wanted to reach over and kick him out of the seat and wait for Ben to come back, but then that little voice she’d b
een trying to ignore, told her she’d be waiting forever because he wasn’t coming back.

Luke looked over at Kathryn and could tell she was lost somewhere in her thoughts, but decided not to say anything.  He simply turned the ignition and pulled the truck away from the curb.

She sat silently as the truck drove the familiar route to the Bradley’s, her hand holding the grip until her knuckles were white, a mix of emotions flooding through her veins.  Part of her felt uneasy being in the truck without Ben and another part felt at home in the truck, even though he wasn’t with her.  She closed her eyes and imagined he was driving instead of Luke and for a few minutes she was able to feel somewhat normal again.

However, when the truck eased to a stop and she opened her eyes in front of the Bradley’s house, the normalcy she felt instantly vanished.  Her heart started pounding and her stomach felt sick.  The last time she’d been in the house was with Ben the night he’d died.  Before she could talk herself out of it, she opened the door and stood at the foot of the driveway, waiting for Luke.  She heard his door close and was soon at her side.  She followed him up to the front door and inside her second home. 

The house instantly felt warm and Kathryn realized how much she had missed it the second she walked in the door.  The smell of cinnamon from the potpourri Sharon always kept in a dish in the entryway was welcoming and familiar.  The pictures that had hung on the walls for as long as Kathryn could remember showed the Bradley’s as a whole.  The carpet even felt right beneath her feet.  Despite all this though, the absence of Ben was palpable and she could feel the emptiness his death had created.  It was as if a hole had been ripped in the house that could only be filled by Ben.

“Is that you Luke?” Sharon’s voice called from the living room.

“Yeah Mom,” Luke answered back as he took off his jacket and hung it on the coat rack.  Kathryn took hers off as well and hung it next to Luke’s and then nervously followed him from the entryway to where she knew the Bradley’s were waiting.

“Where have you been?” Sharon asked when they walked into the living room.  Kathryn’s eyes glanced around the room to the familiar faces of Ben’s family: Sharon, Scott, Allie, Grandma
Val and Grandpa Dom.  They were all sitting around the living room holding bowls of Val’s peach cobbler and vanilla ice cream.  The Christmas tree was sparkling with twinkling white lights in the corner and the faint sound of Bing Crosby singing
White Christmas
flowed through the air.

“I brought someone home with me,” Luke said, causing everyone to look up in their direction.

“Kathryn,” Sharon said quietly, her eyes seeming to light up at the sight of her. “It’s so good to see you, honey,” Sharon said walking over to her and embracing her with a fierceness she hadn’t expected.

“Hi Sharon,” Kathryn replied shyly. 

“Come have some cobbler,” Sharon said taking her hand and leading her to the kitchen where she dished up a large helping for Kathryn and then led her into the living room where the rest of Ben’s family sat.

She felt slightly awkward, not knowing exactly where she fit in with the Bradley’s anymore.  She had been Ben’s girlfriend, his momentary
fiance, but he was dead now, so where did that leave her? 

She set her cobbler on the coffee table and made the rounds hugging everyone before sitting down on the loveseat.  Surprisingly, no one asked her how she was doing and she didn’t ask them.  Ben’s name wasn’t even brought up.  Kathryn ate her cobbler and listened to everyone talk mundanely about everyday life.  No one spoke with any emotion.  It was as if they were all just going through the motions to fill the silence.  Val spoke about the quilt she was working on and the guys talked about the Patriots’ chances of getting to the Super Bowl.  Allie sat quietly though, choosing not to participate in the conversation.  Kathryn listened politely, nodding and smiling at the appropriate times, but found herself spanning the room with quick glances, expecting Ben to walk in at any moment.  It felt weird being here without him.

When Sharon began gathering the empty dishes, Kathryn stood up to help her.  The two women met in the kitchen, away from the group and mindlessly began clearing plates and loading the dishwasher.  As the dishwasher hummed, Sharon began wiping the counters.

“Sharon?” Kathryn said quietly, causing Ben’s mother to stop and look at her.  Although Sharon was trying to go about the daily routine of
life, Kathryn saw the same vacant eyes she’d seen the day of the funeral, causing her heart to ache even more. “I want to apologize for not coming over sooner.”

“We’ve missed you,” Sharon
said honestly, leaving the dish cloth where she’d been scrubbing, and embracing Kathryn again.

“I miss him so much,” Kathryn began sobbing, soaking Sharon’s blouse.  Sharon began crying as well and they held each other, the pain flowing freely from them now.

“It’s just been so hard.  How are you managing?” Kathryn asked a few minutes later, wiping the tears from her swollen face. 

“To be truthful, I’m not.  It takes every ounce of my strength to get out of bed in the morning.  I miss Ben every second of everyday. I replay the time I first held him in my arms, the first steps he took, the first words he said over and over in my mind until I think I’m going to die from the pain of knowing I’ll never hold him again.  The only reason I do go on is for Luke and Allie.  I still have two of my children and I live for them now because
I know it can be taken away in the blink of an eye.”

“I have nothing to live for,” Kathryn said quietly, looking away from Sharon.

“Don’t say that.  You have everything to live for.”

“Not without Ben.”

And with those words, Kathryn began crying again, the pain feeling as ripe and new as the day he died.  Sharon wrapped her in her arms again and held Kathryn as she cried.

Chapter 8

A few weeks passed and Kathryn felt more alone than ever, although she was able to function somewhat normally.  The new semester was starting in two weeks and even though her parents had forced her to register, she still wasn’t sure if she’d actually be able to drag
herself to that first class on January twenty-second. 

In an attempt to get away from the pain, she decided to move back into the apartment she shared with Lacey. 
She hadn’t returned since the night she and Lacey had raced to the hospital.  Kathryn missed her friend and had only spoken to her a few times since Ben’s passing.  Lacey told her she was anxious to have her back and in a way, Kathryn was anxious too.

As she stood in front of the door to the apartment, she took a deep breath before turning the brass knob and stepping inside.  It was just as she had remembered and she took notice that Lacey had at
tempted to clean up for her return.  There were no Easy Mac containers or soda cans lying around and the air smelled like vanilla from the candle she was burning.

“Kathryn!” Lacey said excitedly when she heard the door close, entering the living room.

Lacey
stood awkwardly for a moment not knowing what to say or do.  She hadn’t seen Kathryn since the funeral.

“Hey,” she said quietly.

“Do you need help with anything?”

“No. I’ve just got this one duffle bag.  Most of my stuff’s still here.”

The two friends stood staring at each other, neither knowing if they should address the elephant in the room.  Lacey didn’t know if Kathryn wanted to talk about Ben and Kathryn didn’t know if she should talk about Ben. 

Lacey walked up to Kathryn and hugged her, which surprised her.  Lacey had never been a hugging kind of person.  It felt awkward and forced, but Kathryn appreciated the effort.

Dropping the duffel bag in the doorway, she went and sat down on the couch, followed by Lacey.  She stared around the room suddenly feeling as if real life was hitting her like a ton of bricks.  She couldn’t hide out and mourn forever.  She had to live her life and it wouldn’t wait anymore, no matter how much she wanted it to.  People were going to stop forgiving her because she was in mourning.  Soon, she’d be held accountable for her actions again.

“How are you doing?” Lacey finally asked her.

Kathryn shook her head and felt her eyes begin to sting with tears.  She used the sleeve of her sweatshirt to dab them away before they fell. “Not good.”

“I’m so sorry.  I still can’t believe it.  The apartment’s been so quiet without you…and Ben,” she said hesitating. “I still expect him to come barging in and start making fun of me.  He was so funny and I…” Lacey rambled until she was cut off.

“Please Lacey, don’t,” Kathryn said flatly.  Lacey stared at her friend confused. “I’m not ready for this.  I’m not ready to sit around and laugh about the good ol’ times with Ben.  I can’t do it, so please don’t.”

“I didn’t mean to upset you.  I just thought…I don’t know what I thought,” Lacey apologized.

“I’m going to my room,” she said standing up and grabbing her duffle bag.

“
Just so you know, I didn’t go in your room.  I didn’t touch anything.”

Kathryn nodded and then made way down the hall, leaving a sorrowful Lacey alone on the couch.

Her room was exactly as she’d left it the morning she’d rushed to the hospital.  The covers were strewn about and clothes sprinkled the floor from her mad dash to get dressed.  The pictures of her and Ben instantly caused her pain and she walked around the room, gently laying them face down so she couldn’t look at them. Seeing the pictures of him was just too much.  Thoughts of him were with her every second, but for some reason seeing his pictures as she walked back into her room was more than she could take.

She didn’t bother to unpack the duffel bag.  Instead, she kicked off her shoes and crawled into bed, wanting to bury herself in the covers, the same covers she’d last shared with Ben.  As she pulled the comforter closer to her, something caught her eye.  The blanket unfolded more and a piece of white material fell from the folds, falling next to her.  She gasped when she realized what it was.  Ben had left an undershirt behind and it had gotten lost in the covers.  She stared at it, almost afraid to touch it, but then she snatched it up, pressed it to her chest, and breathed it in.  Although it had been hidden for nearly two months, it still smelled faintly of his Old Spice deodorant.  She held it tightly to her face, soaking it with the tears that were gushing from her eyes, and then suddenly clutched her stomach, afraid she might be sick.