After the Fear (Young Adult Dystopian) (37 page)

I’M FREE, flying high above a field full of four-leaf clovers. Stars burn bright in the sky, and I’m so close I could touch one. In a rush, the sun swings down. It heats my face, and I was right—it
is
like having a bath, but more magnificent. The ocean thunders below, crashing like it does in films. Just like in the spinner, the breeze lifts my hair from my shoulders.

I wince in my paradise. Something cuts into my chest, collar bone and stomach, making them ache. That isn’t fair. Nothing should hurt here.

The sun dips below the water, its light fading away until there’s nothing above me—no pollution, no stands, no crowd. Just open air with stars and impurities and never-ending opportunity. When the rain comes, I open my mouth to catch it, and water flows through me.

Then there’s pain. It’s not welcome in this place. Suffering weighs me down, dragging me from the sky and into the ocean. I thought I would like it here, but waves crash down on me again and again. Knocking me against jagged rocks, letting the hate in through my old wounds, reviving the animal inside I thought I’d killed. I can’t breathe. I can’t swim. I gasp.

And gasp.

And gasp.

Until air rushes into my body. The field, stars, sea, sky, wind, sun, and rain shine so bright that they become one white hot light.

A bitter antiseptic smell fills my senses. Pins pierce my skin. Eyes loom above.

Eyes I recognise.

Shepherd Fines.

‘She’s awake!’

Am I? I blink. And blinking hurts . . . because everything hurts. The sea has disappeared and left me in a room. A bright, colourless room that I’ve seen before. Not the Medic’s Cabin, but the hospital in Juliet. Someone squeezes my hand.

‘Sola, Sola, if you can hear me say Shepherd Fines.’

‘Shepherd—’

‘Great stuff! Great stuff!’

Machines surround me, chiming in a melody of beeps. Medics stand back, congratulating themselves and Shepherd Fines. What have they got to be so happy about?

Then, I see him. A face I would recognise even through a torrent of pain and fire. A face I never thought I would see again.

He has red, glassy eyes. When he looks at me, his chest pulses as he gasps in relief. He stands well back. I know he wants to come over. I can sense it in the way he leans towards me despite his unmoving feet. If the link between Coral and me was a thick, thorny rope, then what connects me to Dylan is a silk thread.

Coral. The Demonstration. The gunshot.

I jolt upwards, running my hands down my body.

‘Calm down, Sola. You’re okay, you’re okay. I told them to do whatever they could to save you. The shot just missed your heart, although you won’t be using your arm for a while.’ Shepherd Fines speaks. ‘Also, you’ll be left with a few pretty scars.’

I suck air through my teeth as he ushers the medics away. They trail out, chattering excitedly amongst themselves.

Once the door’s shut, terror claims me. I don’t understand why Shepherd Fines is here. Aren’t I free?

‘I won’t go back. I won’t do it again. I’ve finished, I don’t care if there’s another twist. I’m not fighting!’ At first, I don’t even realise the blurry words are coming from me.

‘No, no. No one’s making you do anything again. You’ve finished your tour. You won the fight!’ Shepherd Fines says.

‘Why are you here? Where’s my dad?’

My questions upset him. He looks away.

‘My dear, your father is waiting outside. He’s been at your bedside for days.’

Days? How long have I been lying here?

‘I’m here because . . . because I was wrong. Actually, it’s not exactly
wrong
to organise an unfair fight for your last game.’ He chuckles and looks at Dylan as if seeking reassurance. He doesn’t find any. ‘However, I think my own personal regard for you affected my judgement. When I thought you were going to die, I kept remembering the times you made me chuckle. And although there was a time I might have desired
more
, I’ve recently come to the decision that we are probably better as friends.’ He squeezes my palm, looking down at me with a pitying smile. I get the impression he thinks that he’s letting me down gently.

‘Between us boys—’ He grins to Dylan. ‘—that Ebiere is really rather something. I got chatting to her after the Demonstration yesterday.
Really
chatting. She’s got quite the wit!

‘Anyway, Sola, my dear. I wish to make this mess up to you. I’m a powerful man. I want to give you a gift. I can’t change the laws, so don’t you be getting any ideas!’ He waggles a finger at me. ‘However, I am willing to make one exception. Anything you want. I will even—’ He looks to Dylan and sighs. ‘I will even allow Mr Casey here to move to city Juliet, if you so wish.’

My heart leaps. There’s a foreign sensation in my face—I’m smiling.

But, just as fast, my body sinks down.

When I tell Shepherd Fines what I want, he looks surprised, but nods all the same.

‘Very well.’ He clicks his teeth again. ‘I guess I better leave you two alone for a moment then.’

I don’t have the heart to tell him he’s still holding my hand.

Eventually, he stands. He leans down as if to kiss my forehead, but settles on running his hand over it instead. I give Shepherd Fines a smile as he leaves. When he reaches the door, he looks back.

‘You really don’t think I’m like him? You know, Dr Frankenstein?’

The truth is that I don’t know, but instead I say, ‘Not if you don’t want to be.’

He grins.

‘Hmm, I didn’t think so. I’m more of a Don Corleone, wouldn’t you say?’ He laughs at his reference to
The Godfather
and walks out of the room, nodding to himself as if to reaffirm his decision.

I stare as long as I can at the back of the closed door once it has slid shut. Now that I’m alone with Dylan, fear and anxiety creep over me. I’ve won an impossible battle, yet I’m nervous about being alone with the man I love.

He steps forwards. I swing my legs out of bed, pain shooting through to my fingers and toes as I perch on the edge. I’m glad to see I’m dressed in pyjamas and not naked.

‘Sola, do you remember me?’ he asks tentatively. It’s enough to make me burst into giggles.

‘I definitely remember that voice,’ I croak out, my nervousness evaporating. I reach for his hand with my good arm and pull him close.

His touch is gentle, apprehensive. As if he’s scared of breaking me. I seek his mouth with mine, and he gives in with a loaded sigh. He kisses me deeply, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. Although it hurts, I don’t let on.

‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper when we part. My lips brush his mouth as I talk. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t choose you.’

He shakes his head, soothing my worries with a gentle
, shh.

‘It’s one of the reasons why I love you,’ he says, tracing my cheek with his thumb. ‘You’re being kind, Sola.’

I don’t know if he realises that his words mirror our first conversation. For some reason, they bring tears to my eyes. But I don’t regret my choice. Knowing Alixis will be allowed to return home with her son goes somewhere to make me feel okay again. In a way, it repairs some of the damage Coral has done to my family and me over the years, like putting flowers over a grave.

Fed up with hospital beds, I try to stand. Dylan helps me gain my balance.

‘Dylan,’ I whisper. ‘How bad does it look?’ I’m not so stupid that I haven’t noticed there are no mirrors in this room. The bumps of healing skin on my body are as thick as folds in a sheet.

Dylan doesn’t reply. Instead, he places his hands on my waist. Keeping eye contact, he pulls my top up slowly, so that it shows my midriff. I take hold of the top, and Dylan kisses every stitch, staple, and scar until he reaches my nose. It isn’t sore, but I can tell from touching it that it’s changed shape. When he runs his lips over my cut cheek, I wince. It’s hard to bring myself to feel the thick line which runs over half of my face. At some point, I’ll look at the damage. The first time, I’m sure I’ll cry, but I’ll get over it. I’m alive; who cares what my face is like?

Finally, it’s time to let go.

‘Dylan,’ I say, ‘you never told me why you stayed on as a Demonstrator.’

Dylan smiles. ‘You’re right, so I didn’t.’

‘I think I know,’ I whisper.

‘Oh yeah?’

I think about how Dylan has never mentioned his parents, yet somehow I don’t think they’re dead.

‘Your family didn’t want you back, did they?’

He tucks a piece of hair behind my ear easily.

‘No, they didn’t. The Shepherds encouraged my ma to have another child. By the time I finished my tour, I had a baby brother.’ He shrugs, still smiling—not happily, but like he has made his peace with this long ago. ‘Would you want a ten year old killer around your newborn baby?’ he asks.

‘That’s not really fair.’

Another shrug. ‘Probably not, but it’s life. I got to meet you, didn’t I?’

He’s grinning now, that mischievous sparkle is back in those blue eyes.

‘Aye,’ I say, faking his accent, ‘that you did.’ I’m definitely getting better at that. I take his hands in mine, and duck my head. ‘So . . . are you attending any parties in Juliet in the near future?’

Silence. I dare to look up. Dylan chews on his bottom lip. He’s keeping something from me.

‘Actually, Sola, I promised myself that if you woke up, I would find a way to be with you. If you want that—that is.’

‘Yes! I mean, yeah, I want that. But how?’

Dylan chuckles at my response.

‘Can’t you predict what I’m going to do?’ he asks. I glower at the reference to my failure as a Demonstrator. ‘Okay, okay,’ he puts his hands up, still grinning.

‘I don’t know if it will work, but I’m going to try and make a deal with Fines. I’ve finished my tour so I can threaten to go home.
Or
, I could offer to continue to demonstrate if I’m allowed to live here. With you. Well, maybe not with you—I mean, I’ll get my own place.’

I shut him up with a kiss—a glorious, arms-wrapped-around-his-neck, never-going-to-let-you-go kiss. It might take time, it might not work, but there’s a chance that we still get to be together. After everything I’ve been through, that chance is enough. Without warning, Dylan pulls away and glances nervously to the door.

‘Oh, I forgot. Your dad is outside. I met him.’

I manage to laugh. ‘Did he like you?’

‘Aye, of course. But he won’t for much longer if he sees us like this.’

With that, we both know our time is over. Outside this room, my life is waiting for me.

‘Okay,’ I say.

‘All right,’ Dylan whispers, almost to himself. ‘Hopefully I’ll see you soon. Until then, don’t forget about me.’

‘You’re not allowed to tell me what to do,’ I joke, although I hold onto him. We kiss as our fingers dance together. I savour the moment, which is gone all too soon. He breaks away, and in four controlled footsteps, he’s at the door.

For some reason, I imagine that silk thread following him out, connecting us forever. Dylan steps through the door. It slides shut.

A moment to myself is all I need.

I let my mind dwell on Coral. In this stark, white room, without a Debt hanging over me, she seems so simple. All the nasty words that ever came out of her mouth, were they even true? I never questioned it before, but what proof do I have that Mum had an affair with Mr Winters? Perhaps Coral invented the whole thing; perhaps she believed it herself.

I guess I’ll never know if she really did celebrate Mum’s death, or if it was a lie to make me hate her. Unfortunately, not knowing means I’ll still have regret for what I did to Coral. Yet it’s no more regret than I have for all the other people I’ve killed. They will stay with me forever, just like my scars.

I’ve been alone for long enough. Through the shuttered windows I see a silhouette standing in the hallway outside my room. Dad.

Mum’s four-leaf clover hair pin gleams on the bedside table. I hesitate, but pick it up and slide it into my hair.

My legs wobble, and I steady myself for a moment. I run through the list of things I know for sure:

-
My name is Sola Herrington.

-I’m in love with Dylan Casey.

-I’ve killed ninety-three people.

-I know the Shepherds’ best kept secret.

-I’m not afraid anymore.

For now, I want to tell Dad I’m proud of him. I’ll enjoy every second of living until the inevitable happens and the Shepherds’ rules re-enter my world. I’ll fight, then, if I have to.

Because that’s part of who I am.

I’m a Demonstrator.

#