After the Before (3 page)

Chapter Four

Jasmine

One week before school, my
grandma calls me to come visit her at the retirement home. I wish I could bring Dad to visit her, but traveling for him is too difficult. I tell her that I will meet her for lunch, and even bring Chinese food… her favorite.

I
brought Dad into the kitchen so I could spend some time with him before leaving to visit grandma when mom decides to stumble in. From the look on her face, I know that she’s heard my conversation with Dad.

“Where do you think you’re going?”
she slurs at me.

I look to my
dad, wishing she would avoid being mean in front of him. I can handle the barrage of insults she throws at me daily, but he shouldn’t have to deal with this − he already has to deal with so much.

“I’m going to see
Grandma,” I tell her in a monotone voice, knowing she already knows.

“You can’t go. You have things to do
,” she spits out with venom.

“Like what?” I challenge her
.

The question remains unanswered
for several moments.

“You will do what I tell you.”

“Mom, I’m going to see Grandma whether you like it or not,” I tell her, rinsing out the dishes I used.

“No, you will
not
.” Her voice grows louder as she grabs my bad arm and jerks it with force. My wrist bones are still sore, so when she snatches at my arm, the glass bowl slips from my fingers, falling to the floor – shattering into pieces.

“
AAHHH.” I yell as I pull my wrist free, trying to rub the pain away.

I glance
at my dad, whose eyes look pissed off and outraged. I know that he wants to help, but the only thing he could do that would help would be to divorce her. They have seemed to despise each other for so long, I’m surprised he didn’t do it years ago.

“Now see what you’ve done! Clean up this mess
,” she yells as she storms out.

He gives
me a sympathetic look for her behavior, which I choose to ignore. Instead, I turn to clean up the glass.

I am hardly able to contain my
urgency to get out of this house for a few hours, and I couldn’t be more ecstatic about school − I will be gone most of the day; away from
her
.

I reach for the round glass pendent I wear around my neck
. The pendant contains swirls of green and gold flecks from Jace’s ashes. I wrap my fingers around it, letting my thumb caress the soft surface as I send a silent wish to him.

‘
I wish you were still here with me.’

My throat begins to tighten and I drop the pendent before I burst into tears.

“Dad
, I’m taking off to Grandmas now. I love you, and I promise to be back soon to tell you all about the visit.” Then I kiss his forehead. He blinks once, telling me ‘
I love you
.’ I give him a smile, then I am out the door in two seconds flat.

The drive to
Grandma’s is calming. Green Hill Retirement Home is in the country, surrounded by pine trees and the smell of the forest. When I arrive, Grandma is waiting for me in the lobby; a gigantic grin spreads across her face, but her smile slips when she takes me in.

“What’s the matter darling?” Her voice is soothing and concerned.

I force a smile on my face and say, “Nothing. I come bearing gifts.” I hold the bag of Chinese food up, changing the subject.

My
grandma understands me well enough to know that I would rather talk about something else than what is bothering me, so she nods and leads the way into the cafeteria. She chooses our usual spot next to a pair of huge windows that open like suicide doors, letting in the clean mountain air. This is one of the benefits of living in Oakboro, Oregon − There are mountains and pines everywhere you look. The scenery here is breathtaking, and the smells are clean and rejuvenating.

I sit down and pull out our rice and almond chicken
, which is what we both love, and I place a bottled water next to her food.

“What, no soda?”
she asks.

I smile at her. She is one of the only people who can actually
get a real smile out of me these days.

“
You know you shouldn’t be drinking soda.”

She waves me off with a flick of her wrist and pops open her water. I open mine as well, taking a drink to hide the smirk on my face.

“So, why were you so upset when you came in, Jazzy?” This is her nickname for me, and I only tolerate the name from her, since she’s called me by it for as long as I can remember. She reads me like a book and knows what my problem is. “So, I assume it’s your mother again, dear?” I nod.

“Why doesn’t dad just get a divorce? I know he used to love her
, but I know he doesn’t anymore.” I pause for a minute. She must sense that I’m not finished, so she waits for me to continue, uninterrupted.

“She’s so mean
, and it’s every day Grandma, not just occasionally. I don’t understand why she dislikes me so much. What have I ever done to her to make her so hateful toward me?” Had I had this conversation with her before the accident, I would be a blubbering mess by this point, but now, my emotions are locked down like Fort Knox.

She
shakes her head. “Don’t blame yourself darling, you are at no fault. She is just crazy with her own self-worth issues, taking them out on you because there is no one else for her to do it to. I mean, how can she not love a face like this?” She reaches over and touches my cheek. “She would
have
to be crazy.”

A sad smile stretches across my lips. I know she’s right
, yet I can’t help but wish that my mom loved me as a mother should… ‘
Just
like she loved Jace.’

“I love you too,
Grandma.” I tell her slowly, wanting her to hear the words. You never know how much time you have with each person in your life, so I’m making it count.

“Listen, Jazzy
,” she says in a rather cheery voice. “I have a gift for you. I don’t want you to tell your mother – she’ll take it away before you have a chance to use it.”

She hands me an envelope.

I open it and peer inside to see stacks of bills staring back at me.

“
Grandma, I can’t take this.” I look at her with wild eyes. Why on earth would she give me this kind of money?

She laughs, shaking herself around in her chair. “Of course I can. It’s my money, dear.”

“I know that Grandma, but what is this for? Why are you giving this to me?” I gesture to the envelope as I talk.

Her knowing smile is still wide when she answers. “I know you haven’t been able to buy any new cloth
es since the accident.” She pauses, knowing I hate to hear that word.

I immediately think of Jace and grab my pendent
, but she continues.

“I thought it would be nice for you to get some new things that fit you. You’ve lost so much weight.”

I let her words sink in, and she’s right. My clothes do just hang off me, making me look like I’m wearing boy’s clothes. I have lost about twenty pounds, more muscle than fat. I have never been fat, but now I am self-conscious about being
too
skinny. I am on an “eat everything” diet to gain some of the weight back, and after a few weeks, it is beginning to show.

“Thank you,
Grandma,” I concede instead of arguing. The truth is that I could really use some new clothes, but
one thousand dollars?
That is more than just some new clothes.

My mother
is passed out when I return home, so I expect to have a few hours to myself before the binge drinking and pill popping continue. I walk into the other room to check on Dad, who is also sleeping. The nurse’s chart says he’s been asleep for half an hour, so I know he won’t be awake for a couple more hours, at least.

Climbing the stairs to my room
, I toss myself onto my bed and pick up my iPod to listen to my 80’s and 90’s playlist. I was born more than ten years after the 80’s, but that decade’s music is fantastic. My dad and I used to listen to it all the time, but now that my mom has control of the house, she walks in and shuts it off ninety percent of the time. If I protest, it only encourages the knock-down, drag-out arguments, so I let it slide… It’s not worth the fight.

I close my eyes and
listen to Roxette’s ‘Must Have Been Love’, and I think about all the people I wish I still had in my life. I cradle my pendent in my fingers as I fall asleep.

Chapter Five

Alex

The guards
have me isolated from other prisoners, putting me in a single person cell until my court date, which restricts my yard time to an hour a day. Most of my spare time is spent lifting weights and jogging around the perimeter of the fence. I work hard to stay bulked up – wiping out any signs of weakness.

Before the accident
, I was a beanpole, toothpick thin and tall. After the accident, I went through a growth spurt, growing a few more inches, which put me over six feet tall. I buffed up and proved it by annihilating the puny wimp I once was. If I wanted to survive being in a gang, and my new neighborhood, fighting was the only option I had available to me.

I
n addition to my transformation, I added several tattoos that covered the top half of my chest, shoulders, and upper biceps. The black ink swirled until it ended in sharp points, reminding me of a flickering fire. The words
Infiernos Guerreros
adorn my abdomen, the first and last part
dipping down into my briefs, which hide some of the letters.

George’s voice rouses me from my thoughts. “Hey, amigo
. It’s time to go see the judge.”

I sit up on my bed and look at him. George is one of my more steady guards.
He is always polite, even when I talk shit to him. I get the feeling that he has read my file, and he probably knows about my past and how I ended up here.

I walk up to the cell door and turn around
so he can place the cuffs on me. Once we leave the cell, he leads me down an elevator, and navigates a maze of hallways until we finally reach the courtroom.

We enter the courtroom
, and I see the judge is already sitting on his high throne, staring at me accusingly as I enter the courtroom. My court appointed lawyer is in the seat next to mine, looking ready to defend me. Meanwhile, a police officer at the plaintiff’s bench looks like he wants to put me away for a very long time.

George unlocks my cuffs and I take the seat next to my lawyer.

The judge clears his throat. “Alex Navarro. Please stand.”

I do
, and I look him square in the eyes. If I’m going to go to jail, I’m going to do it the Alex Navarro way…
Badass.

“You are
here due to an assault charge against an individual believed to belong to a street gang. Although there are witnesses to this assault, they have recanted their testimonies. As for the individual involved in this assault, they have refused to press charges against you… so I hereby drop all charges against you in this matter. However, just recently, I have heard of another assault occurring within the jail against another inmate, witnessed by a guard.” He pauses for dramatic effect, but the words that come out next shock me.

“After looking over your history
, and your record, I have decided to make you an offer. I have decided that your sentence will be to attend your senior year of high school and graduate with
at least
a 3.0 average. If you get into trouble, or you are kicked out of school for any reason, you
will
return to me to begin the maximum sentence for this charge.”

His eyes bore into
mine. “Do we have an agreement?”

I think about
mi Madre. She despises my recent actions, but at least the judge is offering me an out. There is no doubt that he knows about my past and has empathy for me and my family. Despite that, I take my time, not willing to give up my hard antics before I answer him.

“Yes
, Sir, I understand,” I say loud and clear.

The judge nods. “Then it’s settled. You will be released into your
mother’s custody, and you will start school next week with the rest of your senior class.” He folds papers up and bounces them around on his desk before he turns back to look at me. “I am warning you, Alex. I do not give third chances, so you better understand that this is your one opportunity to succeed.”

“I
will, Your Honor.” My voice is shaking. I’m finally getting out of this small enclosed space and heading home.

“Good luck.” He smiles at me
as he hits the gavel on his desk.

Mi
Madre is cursing me in a mixture of Spanish and English the entire way home. She tells me how lucky I am that the judge had given me this second chance, and I better not waste one second of it. She finishes with, “I mean it, Alejandro. You may be in a gang, and think yourself a tough guy, but they will look tame compared to what I will do to you… comprende?”

“Yes, ma
. I understand.” I may be mean as hell and kicked more ass than I can count, but mi Madre is not a person I want to mess with.

“Bien
,” she says.

I let her simmer, not wanting to ruffle
her feathers any more than I already have. It’s hard to keep my distance and lifestyle away from her without hurting her.

I head to my room as soon as we arrive home. If I’m going to return to school, I need to do an inventory check. I know
mi Madre works hard and has little to no money, so I need to earn it myself. I can usually get construction work with a friend of mine.

My
clothes are in shambles. Everything I owned before the accident, my designer clothes, shoes, anything worth a few bucks, was sold to consignment shops… we needed every penny. My new wardrobe now consists of clothing from the discount store. They may be low class, but I’m fine with what I have because I’ve learned that I don’t need much.

With my clothes being what they are,
I only need a few bucks for paper and other school supplies, so it shouldn’t be hard to earn that with a couple of hours of hard work.

Chapter
Six

Jasmine

School is starting in the morning and my nerves are soaring
. Staying still is a challenge throughout the night. There will be the same classmates that I have known in the
Before,
and some of them are even looking forward to seeing me back at school. I know everyone will give me the pity stares all day long, but my skin has thickened since the accident. I have the strength to ignore all the looks and murmurs.

To keep my mind
off the first day of school, I sit down at the computer and start scrolling through my Facebook page. I scan through the throngs of people congratulating me for returning for my senior year. I have never even spoken to half of these people, most of them being Jace’s friends.

I scroll through them until I come across one that mentions Alex’s name. I read the
status update and my breath catches. The person states that Alex has been in jail, and that the judge sentenced him to his senior year of high school, which meant that Alex would be returning to school this year, too.

My breathing becomes erratic
and panic courses through me until I’m almost hyperventilating. Seeing Alex every day will be a constant reminder of his sister, my brother, and everything that happened on that horrible day. Seeing Alex is the last thing I want or need right now, so I have to make sure I avoid him as much as possible.

Oakboro High
School mailed out brochures to all of the seniors, informing us that we would attend one week of school before the big senior trip. Most of that week would likely be a piece of cake; I couldn’t imagine any teacher assigning us homework before the trip. The packet also contained hotel information and phone numbers for our parents if they needed to contact us. I have a feeling that my packet containing that information met the trash can. My mom would
never
call to check on me. She won’t worry about me… hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if she will even notice that I’m gone.

I’m worried about what will happen when I come face to face with Alex, because let’s face it, it will happen at some point. It’s been 2 years and I know that we are not the same people that we used to be. I don’t know about avoiding him at school, but I think it will be easy during the trip. He may even feel the same as I do about seeing each other.

I let my thoughts drift, thinking about Alex and his family, remembering what happened a couple of days ago.

I decided to take the money that Grandma had given me and went shopping. While I was browsing, I saw Mrs. Navarro getting off a public bus. Of course, I didn’t say anything to her because I’m a coward, so I hid behind a rack of clothes until she entered a discount store across the way.

I don’t know why I did it, but
I followed her into the discount store, just out of some lame curiosity. She was sifting through men’s clothes, probably shopping for Alex. Maybe she had a boyfriend, but I didn’t think so. She looked to be grabbing clothes that seemed more in Alex’s taste, but what did I know of his taste for clothes these days.

I watched as she looked at styles
. She paused at every price tag, and obviously costing too much, she would sit the items back down. A terrible pang went through my stomach; I hated watching her struggle just to buy clothes, and now that I knew they were for Alex, probably school clothes, I felt even worse.

I went back to the store I was previously in and
bought a few new outfits. After my purchases, I still had most of the money my grandma had given me. I got what I needed, so I decided to drive to their home before Mrs. Navarro could get back and see me. I had known for a long time where they lived, I had even driven by a few times. It seemed fine in the daylight, but now the neighborhood was dark and scary. I drove up to their mailbox and made sure no one was watching before I placed the rest of my money inside. I didn’t know how to face either one of them, but I just hoped this would help them in some way.

Sleep eluded me until one thirty in the morning, making my impending
first day of school sneak up on me too quickly.

While getting ready for school, I’m pleased to see that my not so diet of eating everything is beginning to pay off; I can finally see the shape of my body forming again. Some girls believe that the rail thin look is in, but I like the curves – God intended for women to have them. My old clothes are starting to fit me better, but still a bit too big for me, so I decide to wear some of the new clothes I had purchased. I put on a pair of faded boot cut jeans and a green shirt that makes my eyes shine.

On my
drive to school, nervousness creeps through my body like bugs crawling under my skin. I don’t play any music; I’m not even sure if I’m breathing. The drive is over in the blink of an eye as I pull into a space and turn the engine off.

I collect my bag, pulling it onto my lap and place my forehead against the steering wheel. I bang my head several times and repeat,
‘
Why me? Why me?’
I make sure to
coordinate the words with the rhythm of the thumping.

After collecting myself, I move to exit the car when someone blocks my door.
As he pulls the door open and smiles at me, I see that it’s Andrew, the boy I was talking about to Marisol on the day of the accident… the one I wanted to ask me to the dance. That event seems so petty and insignificant now.

“Hey Jasmine
, it’s nice to have you back.” He moves aside to let me step out of the car, and I blush.

The fact that I want no personal attachments to anyone
, doesn’t make me immune to Andrew’s handsome features. His soft brown hair and bright blue eyes are hard to ignore.

“Hi, Andrew
. How are you?” I ask.

“Better now that your back.” His
hundred watt smile stays plastered to his face.

“Thanks.”
I feel uncomfortable. What else am I supposed to say?

“Can I walk you to class?”

“I have to get my schedule first.” I begin walking toward the office.

“Alright
, I’ll come with you, and then I’ll walk you to class.”

I am uneasy
with the attention that Andrew is paying me. Why, after almost two years, would Andrew be so attentive toward me? My mind is warning me to be cautious, but despite my doubts, in the end, I let him walk me to the office.

The same ding
from years ago announces our arrival as we walk through the door. It reminds me of my sophomore year, but this time, my brother is a ghostly figure in my mind, and not walking alongside me.

As
I walk up to the secretary, I think that she must be new because I don’t remember her from sophomore year.

She stares
at me expectantly, but doesn’t say anything.

“Um,
I’m returning this year after a year of home schooling.”

“Oh
yes, you’re Jasmine Heartly. I have your schedule right here.”

I see the look of empathy on her face as she hands me my schedule.
It makes me want to run, but I make myself stand at the counter while I peruse my schedule. The typical high school classes stare back at me, and suddenly I’m not so sure I can handle this.