After (The After Series) (38 page)

“Your house, but can we go by my room so I can grab some clothes? I’m sorry for asking you to drive me all over.”

“Tessa, the drive is short and you’re my friend; stop thanking and apologizing to me,” he says sternly, but his sweet smile makes me laugh.

He is the best person I have met here and I am so lucky to have him.

“Well, let me thank you one last time for being such a great friend to me,” I say, and he frowns playfully.

“You’re welcome. Now let’s move on.”

I RUSH AROUND MY ROOM
gathering my clothes and books. I feel like I never stay in my room anymore. This will be the first night in days that I will be sleeping without Hardin. I was beginning to get used to it, how foolish of me. I grab my phone out of my drawer and walk back to Landon’s car.

When we get to his house it’s after eleven. I’m exhausted, and thankful that Ken and Karen are asleep when we arrive. Landon puts a pizza in the oven for us and I eat another one of my cupcakes from earlier. Baking with Karen seems like weeks ago, not hours. I have had such a long day, and it started so well with my morning with Hardin and the internship, and then he ruined it, just like he always does. After we eat the pizza, Landon
and I walk upstairs and he shows me to the guest room that I stayed in last time. Well, I didn’t quite
stay
in there, since I was woken up by a screaming Hardin. Time hasn’t made sense since I met him; everything has happened so quickly, and it makes me dizzy to think about the better times we’ve had and how they’re spaced out between a lot of arguing. I thank Landon again and he rolls his eyes at me before leaving me and going into his room. I turn on my phone to find many texts from Hardin, Steph, and my mother. I delete all but my mother’s message without reading them. I already know what they will say and I have had enough of it today. I turn my ringtone and text notifications off, put my pajamas on, and climb into the bed.

It’s one in the morning, and I have to wake up in a few hours. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. If I hadn’t missed my morning classes today, I would just stay home, well, here. Or go back to my dorm. Why did I convince Hardin to come back to Literature? After tossing and turning, I roll over to check the time: almost three. Despite the fact that today has been one of the best, and then worst, days of my life, I am too exhausted to even sleep.

Before I realize what I’m doing, I’m standing in front of Hardin’s bedroom door. And then I enter it. With no one around but myself to judge me, I open the second drawer and grab a white T-shirt. I can tell that it has never been worn but I don’t care. I pull my own shirt off and replace it. I lie down on the bed and bury my head in the pillow. Hardin’s minty scent fills my nostrils and I finally fall asleep.

W
hen I wake up, it takes me a moment to remember that I am not in bed with Hardin. The sun is peacefully shining through the bay window and as I look over, I catch sight of a figure and sit up quickly, orienting myself. As my eyes adjust I am convinced that I am going mad.

“Hardin?” I say quietly and wipe my eyes.

“Hey,” he says from where he sits in a wingback chair, his elbows on his knees.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I snap. My heart aches already.

“Tessa, we need to talk,” he says, the bags under his eyes prominent.

“Have you just been watching me sleep?” I ask.

“No, of course not. I came in here a few minutes ago,” he says. I wonder if he had nightmares without me in bed with him. If I hadn’t witnessed them myself, I would think those were part of his games as well, but I remember holding his sweaty face between my hands and seeing the real fear in his green eyes.

I stay silent. I don’t want to fight with him. I just want him to go away. I hate that I don’t actually want him to go away but know that he has to.

“We need to talk,” he repeats. When I shake my head no, he runs both hands through his hair and takes a deep breath.

“I have to go to class,” I tell him.

“Landon already left. I turned your alarm off. It’s eleven already.”

“You what!”

“You were up late and I thought you—” he begins.

“How dare you even . . . Just go.” The pain from his actions yesterday is still fresh, and actually overshadows the anger I feel at missing my morning classes, but I can’t show any weakness or he will pounce on it. He always does.

“You’re in my room,” he points out.

I climb out of the bed, not caring if I am only in a T-shirt, his T-shirt. “You’re right. I’ll go,” I say, the lump in my throat growing and tears threatening to spill out.

“No, I meant . . . I meant: you are in my room . . . Why?” His voice is bleak.

“I don’t know . . . I just . . . I couldn’t sleep . . .” I admit. I need to stop talking. “It’s not really your room anyway. I’ve slept here just as many times as you have. Actually more now,” I point out.

“Your own shirt didn’t fit?” he asks, his eyes focused on the white shirt. Of course he is making fun of me.

“Go ahead, tease me,” I say, the tears pooling at the bottom of my eyes. He makes eye contact with me but I look away.

“I wasn’t teasing you.” He stands up from the chair and takes a step toward me. I back away and raise my hands to block him and he stops. “Just hear me out, okay?”

“What else could you possibly have to say, Hardin? We always do this. We have the same fight over and over, only worse each time. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t.”

“I said I was sorry for kissing her,” he says.

“That isn’t what this is about. Well, that’s part of it, but there is so much more. The fact that you don’t get that proves that we are wasting our time. You will never be who I need you to be, and
I am not who you want me to be.” I wipe my eyes as he looks out the window.

“But you are who I want you to be,” he says.

I wish I could believe him. I wish he wasn’t so incapable of feelings.

“You’re not,” is all I can say. I didn’t want to cry in front of him, but I can’t seem to stop myself. I have cried so many times since I met him, and if I get tangled back into his web, this is how it will always be.

“I’m not what?”

“Who I want you to be; you do nothing but hurt me.” I walk past him and cross the hall to the guest room. I hastily pull my pants up my legs and gather my things, Hardin’s eyes following my every move.

“Didn’t you hear what I told you yesterday?” he finally says.

I was hoping he wouldn’t bring this up.

“Answer me,” he says.

“Yeah . . . I heard you,” I tell him, avoiding looking in his direction.

His voice becomes hostile. “And you have nothing to say about it?”

“No,” I lie. He steps in front of me. “Move,” I beg.

He is dangerously close to me and I know what he is going to do as he moves in to kiss me. I try to back away from him, but his strong hands pull me closer, holding me in place. His lips touch mine, and his tongue tries to push through my lips but I refuse.

He eases his head back slightly. “Kiss me back, Tess,” he demands.

“No.” I push at his chest.

“Tell me you don’t feel the same, and I will go.” His face is inches from mine, his breath hot on my face.

“I don’t.” It hurts to say the words but he has to go.

“Yes, you do,” he says, his tone desperate. “I know you do.”

“I don’t, Hardin, and neither do you. You can’t possibly think that I bought that?”

He lets go of me. “You don’t believe that I love you?”

“Of course not, how stupid do you think I am?”

He stares at me for a second before he opens his mouth and closes it again. “You’re right,” he says.

“What?”

He shrugs. “You’re right, I don’t. I don’t love you, I was just adding to the drama of the whole thing.” He laughs lightly. I know he didn’t mean it, but that doesn’t make his honesty hurt any less. A part of me, a larger part than I want to accept, hopes that he actually did.

He stands against the wall as I walk out of the room, my bag in hand.

As I reach the stairs, Karen smiles up at me. “Tessa, sweetheart, I didn’t know you were here!” Her smile fades as she notices my distressed state. “Are you okay? Did something happen?”

“No, I’m good. I was locked out of my room last night and I . . .”

“Karen,” Hardin’s voice says from behind me.

“Hardin!” Her smile slightly returns. “Would you two like something to eat, some breakfast? Well, lunch, it’s noon.”

“No, thank you, I was just going back to the dorms,” I tell her as I descend.

“I could eat,” Hardin says behind me.

She seems surprised as she looks at me and then back at him. “Okay, great! I will be in the kitchen!”

After she disappears, I head for the door.

“Where are you going?” He grabs my wrist. I struggle for a second before he releases it.

“The dorms, like I just said.”

“You’re just going to walk?”

“What is wrong with you? You act like nothing is happening,
like we haven’t just been fighting, like you haven’t done anything. You are seriously insane, Hardin—I’m talking mental institution, medicated, padded-walls insane. You say horrible things to me and then try to offer me a ride?” I can’t keep up with him.

“I didn’t say anything horrible, actually; all I said was that I don’t love you, which you claim you already knew. And secondly, I wasn’t offering you a ride. I was simply asking if you were going to walk back.”

His smug expression makes me dizzy. Why would he even come here to find me if he doesn’t care about me? Doesn’t he have anything better to do than torture me?

“What did I do?” I finally ask. I have been wanting to ask this for a while, but I’ve always been afraid of his answer.

“What?”

“What did I do to make you hate me?” I ask, trying to keep my voice down so Karen doesn’t hear me. “You can have practically any girl you want and you continue to waste your time—and mine—to find new ways to hurt me. What’s the point? Do you dislike me that much?”

“No, it’s not that. I don’t dislike you, Tessa. You just made yourself an easy target—it’s all about the chase, right?” he says boastfully. Before he can say anything else, Karen calls his name and asks if he wants pickles on his sandwich.

He walks to the kitchen and answers her; I walk out the door.

On the way to the bus stop, I figure that I’ve already missed so many classes lately I might as well miss the rest of the day and get a car. Luckily, the bus pulls up minutes later and I find a seat in the very back.

As I slump down in the seat, I think back to what Landon said about heartbreak, that if you don’t love the person, they can’t break your heart. Hardin repeatedly breaks my heart, even when I don’t think there are any more pieces to break.

And I love him. I love Hardin.

T
he salesman is a creep and smells like stale cigarettes, but I can’t be picky any longer. After an hour of negotiating, I write him a check for the down payment and he gives me the keys to a decent 2010 Corolla. The white paint is chipped in a few places, but I managed to talk him down low enough that I can let it slide. I call my mother before I drive out of the lot to tell her, and of course she says I should have gotten a bigger car and lists the reasons why. I end up pretending to lose service and shut my phone off.

It feels amazing to drive my own car. I no longer have to depend on public transportation and now I can drive myself to my internship. I hope my cutting ties with Hardin doesn’t affect it. I don’t think it can, but what if he is bored with just simply making me cry and does something to ruin it? Maybe I should talk to Ken and try to explain that Hardin and I are no longer . . . dating? He thinks we are dating, so I will have to come up with something besides “Your son is the cruelest person in the world and he is toxic to me so I can no longer be around him.”

I turn the radio on and turn it up louder than I usually would, but it does what I need it to. It drowns out my thoughts and I focus on every lyric to every song. I ignore the fact that every song seems to remind me of Hardin.

Before heading back to campus, I decide to go buy some more clothes. It’s getting colder, so I need some more jeans, and besides, I’m growing tired of wearing my long skirts all the time.
I end up buying a few new outfits to wear to Vance, some plain shirts and cardigans, and a couple of pairs of jeans. They are tighter than usual but they look good on me.

Steph isn’t in the room when I return, which is good. I really think I may need to look into changing rooms. I do like Steph, but we can’t continue to live together if Hardin is around. Depending on how much I will be making at my internship, I could get my own apartment and live off campus. My mother would lose it but it isn’t up to her.

I fold my new clothes and put them away before grabbing my toiletry bag and heading to the showers. When I return, Steph and Zed are sitting on her bed, looking at her computer.

Great.

She looks up sleepily. “Hey, Tessa, did Hardin ever find you last night?” When I nod, she asks, “So did you work it out?”

“No. Well, yeah, I guess. I am done with him,” I tell her. Her eyes go wide; she must have assumed he would sink his claws back into me.

“Well, I for one am glad.” Zed smiles and Steph swats his arm. Her phone beeps and she looks down.

“Tristan is here, we gotta go. Wanna come?” she asks.

“No, thanks. I’m gonna stay here—but I did get a car today!” I tell her and she squeals.

“Really! That’s awesome!” she says and I nod. “You’ll have to show me it when I get back,” she says and they head for the door. Steph walks out but Zed lingers in the doorway.

“Tessa?” His voice is as smooth as velvet. I look up and he smiles at me. “Did you think about our date?” he asks, staring into my eyes.

“I . . .” I am about to reject him, but why? He’s very attractive and seems sweet. He didn’t take advantage of me when he easily could have. I know he would be better company than Hardin; anyone would be, honestly. “Sure.” I smile.

“Sure as in you will let me take you out?” His smile grows.