After Delores (2 page)

So now what?

Today, literally twenty-five years after the book's initial publication, it would be impossible for a novel with a lesbian protagonist who is as honest, irreverent, eccentric, and alone as
After Delores's
is, to be published by a mainstream press. And yet we must keep writing these novels, because it is only by presenting innovative material that gatekeepers become accustomed to it and eventually let down their guard. I don't want to live in a world in which the majority of lesbian representations are family-oriented, celebrity-focused or (shudder), cutesy. Do you?

1

I
WALKED OUT
in the snow trying to get away from Delores's ghost. It was sitting back in the apartment waiting for me.

Snow was powdering up the sidewalk, but I'd seen too many winters to be surprised by how beautiful they can be. The sky became sheets of clear plastic that moved alongside me through the streets, turning the city into a night of transparent corridors. I walked through it to a few more beers, different places, and ended up at a big, gay dress-up party in the basement of an old public school.

There, the winter night that had been walls turned into men and women dancing together and by themselves and not dancing. One more drink and the skin on my face went numb. Then, for the first time that day, I could relax. That's when I saw Priscilla. Some girl was dressed up as Priscilla Presley in a long black wig and miniskirt wedding dress that said, “I'm a slut but I'm really a virgin,” just the way Elvis liked it. She was so hot in that dress I surprised myself, watching her sashay around the hall handing out autographed pictures of The King and swallowing Dexedrine. When I caught her watching me, she came in like a close-up and said in the sweetest Texarkana voice, “Honey, take me for a ride in your Chevrolet.”

“You look good in that dress,” I said.

She was smiling then but I knew she was deadly serious.

“How good?”

“Real good.”

It was all happening so quickly I was almost surprised when Priscilla walked me into a chair and pushed her breasts into my face. I slid my hand down the slope of her ass to the mesa that was the top of her thigh, and then pulled on the rubber seat of her panty girdle, letting it snap back with a slap.

Once we were out on the dance floor, it got even hotter. I'd never gotten so hot so fast for a girl I didn't know before. She wrapped me up in her pink tulle veil and I could hear the crinkling of polyster as our bodies rubbed together.

“You really do it for me, Priscilla.”

She looked up from her orange lipstick and tons of black eyeliner, smelling cheap like “Charlie” or “Sen-Sen.”

“Honey, you got strong arms. My daddy is a military man and I know power when I feel it.”

The music stopped, letting everyone mingle again, but now and then she'd look my way and I knew for sure how hot it was going to be.

There were maybe a hundred people there that night, but all I saw was Priscilla; otherwise I sat in the chair preoccupied, like sleep or just waiting. In that chair I dreamed that all my teeth were falling out into my hands. I kept trying to stuff them back in until I woke up to Priscilla standing over me, red and shaking. Her demeanor was gone. So was her accent.

“That bitch,” she said.

“What's the matter?”

I thought she was talking about me.

“That bitch in the leather jacket. That woman fucked me and then she fucked me over and I'm going to give her hell for it right now.”

She flicked her bracelets down her wrist in a way that let me know Pris was just an old-time femme. She was ready to walk right up to Ms. Leather Jacket and slap her face, provoking a huge scene. Priscilla's blood was boiling. She stamped her feet.

“Oooooooh, that bitch.”

“Pris,” I said, getting straight right away. “Before you let her have it, why don't you change out of your costume?”

“Goddamn that bitch, she can't get away with this.”

“Pris, darlin'.” I put my hands on her shoulders. “Get out of the costume. You'll feel better.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah. She'll never take you seriously in a white mini wedding gown. Come on, I'll help you change.”

As we slipped into the heatless back room and she took off her wig, I realized that I had better get a grip on my drinking so I wouldn't keep ending up in situations like this one. She stepped out of her dress and left it lying in a heap on the floor. She washed the makeup off her face and put on her real makeup, took off her orange heart-shaped earrings and put on a nice shirt and nice pants. Then she went to tell that girl where to get off.

There was such a general clamor complete with queer goings-on in that room that night that no one noticed at first when Pris began to yell. Once they caught on, though, everyone pulled back and hung out unabashedly watching them go at it for a while. Ms. Leather was squirming, straining like a big dog on a short leash, trying to get the hell out of there. Pris didn't give a shit about what anyone thought of her. She just kept lashing away, not letting up for a second. I could tell from her face it was all rat-a-tat-tat. Some of the dancing fags enjoyed it for the dish effect, while most found the whole catfight rather messy and unfortunate. But I was happy. Something about it was exciting to me. If you waited for the right moment you could eventually get revenge. Before that night, I'd never considered fighting back. I was still afraid of consequences. But I got off on Priscilla's wagging finger, her swaggering shoulders, her mouth moving so fast it flew off her face. She was doing a dance called getting even. It had been a long time since I'd gotten a thing for anyone besides Delores, but maybe Priscilla was a fairy godmother with a bad case of fifties nostalgia. That's when I started thinking that I might have a dress-up fetish. But what kind of girl would want to dress up for me? I could practically come just thinking about that. But she wasn't really Priscilla Presley and that was that.

By the time Ms. Leather had crawled home and the mess was all cleaned up, I was deep in a dream and stayed there until Pris tapped me on the shoulder and we ended up back in the snow.

“This is a worthless winter,” I said. “It doesn't give you anything. Not quiet, not stopping traffic, not everything white. Nothing.”

Pris didn't have proper winter boots, so her feet must have been sopping in those thin things with the spiked heels. Still, she enjoyed the sky full of snow, her face shining in the streetlight.

“Delores walked out on me,” I told her.

“Let me guess,” she said with a Miss Thing tone in her voice. “She hurt you real bad and all you need is someone to take you home and make you feel better.”

“I didn't say that.”

“You didn't have to.” She was clapping her hands, catching the snow. “I'm little and I'm cute and enough women have told me that's
all
they want that I now know that's
all
anybody wants.”

“You want a beer?” I asked, 'cause I wanted one myself.

“Buy me a slice,” she said, leading me to a pizza parlour run by stoned Arabs with big grins. It was yellow plastic, too much light, with posters of Yemen and grease-stained wax paper everywhere. Under her leather gloves were five long and polished nails on her right hand and three long polished nails on her left. The index and middle were cut, not chewed, to the cuticle.

“Southpaw?”

“I'm a left-handed lover,” she said thoughtfully, holding her hand up to the fluorescent light. “When they grow too long, it's depressing since I don't like to go without. But don't get me wrong, I do believe in love.” She had a dreamy teenaged smile on her face. “Want to know what I know?”

“Sure.” My voice came out like rancid butter.

“Okay, here it is. Priscilla Presley's philosophy of lesbian love. First, mistresses are fine, but when it gets too serious there's only room for one at a time. Two, it's got to be as over in your head as it is on paper. Three, everybody needs time between affairs to remember who they are. See how easy life can be?”

“But Delores left me,” I said.

“Yeah, but she's still got you by the balls.”

She picked the cheese off her pizza with those cherry red nails, grease dripping all over the floor.

“You're old gay, aren't you, Pris? You believe in honor.”

“I never let a man touch me,” she said. “And plenty have tried. I take myself very seriously.”

I went next door to get a beer and picked up one for her too. Priscilla was some kind of angel with an important message. I had a question to ask her. It was “Is love aways worth it?” But by the time I got back, she was gone. Only she'd left her little black purse sitting lonely there like me on a yellow bucket seat. Inside it was her address book and a gun.

2

THE BREAKFAST SHIFT
started at six forty-five but I punched in at seven on a lucky day. It was still dark outside, no matter what time of year. The crew was always waiting in their early morning attitudes.

“You look like you've been screwing all night,” said Rambo, leaning against the register in his military pants, ready to start all his bullshit for the week.

“Smile,” said Dino every morning, deep-frying bacon for the fifty BLTs he'd make at lunch.

“Come pick out my numbers,” said Joe the cook. He was in the kitchen adding sugar to everything because Herbie, the boss, was so cheap he didn't want Joe putting eggs in the meatloaf or using spices. Finally Joe just gave up on flavor and added sugar instead.

Herbie's customers were living proof that you are where you eat. The breakfast club wasn't too fascinating except for the couple having an affair. They snuck in a few minutes together before work every day, the guy coming in first, staring nervously at his coffee. Then the lady came. Her hair was done up like Loretta Lynn and she always ordered American cheese on a toasted English and a glass of water with a straw. They'd hold hands across the table and say things like, “Did you see Mel Tormé on
Night Court
last night?” Then she'd get in on his side of the booth and I'd leave them alone until seven-thirty, when she went off to work at the phone company across the street.

Every day was the same day. It started with breakfast, which is always simple. Most people want “two over easy whiskey down” or else “scrambled two all the way.” You always have to ask them what kind of toast. Then they leave you a quarter because they think breakfast doesn't merit the same tipping scale as other meals. I'd like to remind them that a token still costs a dollar no matter what time you get on the train.

Herbie's mother came in at eleven carrying shopping bags full of discount paper towels, or honey cake left over from her daughter-in-law's party. Herbie could sell it for a dollar a slice. Joe called her “Greased Lightning” because she moved slowly but still managed to steal waitresses' tips right off the tables. If you caught her in the act, she might give it back, but Momma was one of those bosses who hated to see the employees eat because she saw her money going into their mouths. She hated to pay them or see them get tips because somehow that money should have been hers. Her son was the same way, cheap. Herbie claimed that spring started March 1st. That's when he turned off the heat, which drove a lot of customers over to the Texas-style chili parlor next door.

The lunch rush was a blur where I went so fast I'd forget I was alive and would dream movement instead, swinging my hips back and forth around the tables. This was the most fun because of the challenge and speed and the whole crew teaming up together, feeling closer. So it was always a letdown when the place emptied out at two o'clock, because that was it, money-wise, and the rest of the afternoon was going to be a sit-around bore.

By three o'clock the workers got to eat, which meant sneaking around whenever Momma or Herbie would turn the other way and popping something in your mouth. Technically we could have egg salad or French fries, but Joe would pretend he was slicing corned beef for a Reuben and leave a whole bunch on the slicer for us to grab. Then Dino would forget to put away the fresh fruit salad so we could all have a nice dessert. Only Rambo wouldn't play along. He always threatened to turn us in but was too much of a coward. Rambo spent the entire day leaning against the register showing off his tattoos or talking about the latest issue of
Soldier of Fortune
magazine and how he wished he could have gone over to Lebanon or Grenada instead of being stuck back here in the reserves.

Work was so much the same every day and business was so slow that I had nothing to do but read newspapers and after that stare out the window. That's when I would think about sad things. I couldn't help it. So I started drinking with Joe behind the grill. I guess I just needed to sleep for a couple of weeks but I had to go to work instead, so drinking was some kind of compromise between the two. I knew enough, though, to keep in control of things or else the customers looked at you funny, which makes you feel paranoid and pathetic.

In the old days, I would come home from the restaurant and Delores would be there.