After Ben (19 page)

“When you say that you’re not my competition, who is?”

“No one person that I know of, and I’m not prepared to dwell on that subject in any detail. If you talked to me about personal stuff I wouldn’t mention it to anyone else either. I hope you know that.” Joel dropped his eyes as Theo spoke, then raised them again, nodding.

“My real concern is that you’ll get yourself into hot water by harassing someone who isn’t interested, or maybe who isn’t even inclined the same way as you.”

Joel just blinked, looking confused.

Too many years of corporate-speak meant that Theo had to think hard before rephrasing.

“You like Evan a lot, right?” Joel nodded, a blush creeping up from his shirt collar.

“You like him so much that you think up excuses to be close to him, yes?” Joel nodded again.

“How do you imagine it would feel coming into work every day if—” He looked around the cafeteria, which was almost empty, for inspiration. “—I don’t know… Heather! How would you feel if Heather did the same thing to you?”

Joel’s face was a picture.

“Dude, I don’t swing that way.”

“Do you know for certain that Evan does? Swing the same way as you, I mean. Because if he doesn’t, and he gets up every morning dreading getting hit on at work, then I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t ask you to tone it down. I’d do the same regardless of gender.”

Joel slumped back in his chair before rallying. “I’m pretty sure he’s queer.”

“That might be true, or it might be wishful thinking, but either way it’s unprofessional to make your interest so obvious while you’re on the clock. That’s the bottom line, Joel. Any boss would tell you the same thing. It’s not at all because I’m interested in him myself.”

Joel sat deep in thought. Theo drank his water, idly wiping the condensation ring from the table with his napkin.

“I’m glad you’re not,” Joel mumbled, but Theo heard him clearly enough. “He’d choose you.”

Theo laughed quietly as the cafeteria assistants wiped down tables nearby. “I strongly doubt that.”

“Dude, have you looked in a mirror lately?”

It was Theo’s turn to blush.

He’d been told often enough by Ben that he looked good, but that wasn’t what he saw reflected in the mirror. He just noticed the glint of gray in his hair that dated back almost exactly twelve months, and laugh lines that stayed in place whether he smiled or not. The weight he’d dropped in the last year had hollowed out his cheeks too. Ben had called him babyface when he was in a teasing mood. Theo guessed that maybe he was finally looking his age.

He didn’t bother trying to explain to Joel, who sat looking visibly more relaxed, that the idea of a relationship with someone their age was the last thing he’d ever want. Oh, he could see the appeal. Joel was like some charmed creature. Nothing should work for him—he was all arms and legs, with an unruly mess of hair where every other kid his age ironed their hair bone straight, and his face was just on the cusp of homely. But when he smiled, or when he was sparked with enthusiasm, Joel was pure magic.

There was no way in hell that Theo could get caught up in that kind of spell. Or in the urge to protect, which Evan, with his brittle shell and fierce familial loyalty, provoked. No way. With the age gap between them, he’d spend every single day worried that he’d leave them—suddenly, painfully, with no time for good-byes—and he wouldn’t wish that agony on anyone.

So he just smiled across at his intern, then rolled his eyes as if the concept of dating was ridiculous, and was rewarded by the first honest, huge Joel-grin he’d seen all day.

“Are we good?” he asked. Joel nodded in reply. They returned to their floor in the elevator, chatting about Joel’s workload. When he went back to his office, Maggie followed him in, shutting the door carefully behind her.

“I think I did a slightly better job of it this time, Mags.”

They peered through the blinds as Joel got back to work, his face much more relaxed with his perpetual smile back in place. When Evan wheeled over on his chair, paperwork in hand, Joel’s eyes flickered over to Theo’s office door before settling on the blond next to him. They saw him listen intently to Evan as he read out a list of tasks, then take his work list and get right on with it. Theo noticed that Evan lingered for a minute, unconsciously wetting his lips as he gazed at the taller intern.

Yeah, maybe Joel had been right all along about Evan.

Theo got back to his work.

THEO: I’m hot. Just thought you should know.

MORGAN: Turning down your thermostat will not only solve your overheating problem, it will also help to save the planet. The world’s resources are finite, Theo. Take some fucking responsibility.

THEO: I think you know what I’m talking about.

MORGAN: You talked to your crazy kids? The consensus was that you’re hot? They must REALLY need the work.

MORGAN: Fascist.

Morgan could be such a shit. Theo sat at the back of a school lunchroom, texting surreptitiously while Maggie’s oldest child played violin. He had no idea that you could chat via cell phone until Morgan walked him through the process. It was somehow more personal than straightforward texting. Morgan’s avatar flashed up every time he messaged Theo. Every single time he saw the tiny picture of Michelangelo’s “David”, he smiled.

THEO: Next you’ll be telling me that you look like your avatar: a perfect man.

MORGAN: Nope. My penis is much smaller.

THEO: *HUGS*

Maggie elbowed him sharply until he blinked himself back into reality, belatedly joining in the applause for yet another screeching rendition of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” As the room emptied of damp-eyed parents and overexcited kids, Theo sent one last message.

THEO: Got to go. Taking my girls home. Catch you later.

He helped belt Maggie’s youngest into the car seat, trying not to wince at the way his tie was yanked. They made good time back to Maggie’s house, and he saw them in before declining coffee and pie. He was exhausted.

It was always like this when he was getting over an episode with his back. An average day would wipe him out. Adding in anything extra, like going to the gym, would leave him ready to sleep standing up, but Mike had been held up getting back to the city. Honestly, it had been a pleasure to help them out for once. Maggie explained that she just needed someone to corral her youngest while she videoed the performance. Their usual babysitter couldn’t help, and they were already running late. Theo agreed to meet them at the school, then he minded Maggie’s youngest until the toddler fell asleep in his lap.

Theo didn’t mind helping, especially when Maggie explained that she couldn’t relax unless she knew exactly where her baby was. She could have found another babysitter, but she wouldn’t have been able to concentrate. She needed her youngest child close by.

Maggie had cried during her interview for the role as Theo’s assistant. It hadn’t been the best of starts. She sobbed into his handkerchief, explaining that she needed to work but couldn’t face leaving her baby. She stumbled away from the interview, leaving Theo feeling terrible. Ben had trailed his fingers up and down Theo’s back in bed later, rubbing his tension away.

“It’s attachment,
tesoro
. It’s natural for mothers and fathers to feel the bond with their
bambini
like a rope wrapped around their hearts.” He kissed across Theo’s shoulders. “When Marco went to school, Mamma wailed.” Ben’s youngest brother had been a surprise baby, born twenty years after Ben. “Are you going to give her the job?”

Theo shrugged. On paper Maggie looked perfect, but man, could she cry.

“You should tell her that weeping is normal. Very healthy.” Ben rolled his
R
s in a way that made Theo squirm underneath him. “Then you should tell her that her baby will attach to the other people who care for her also.”

Theo thought that sounded terrible. How would that make the poor woman feel any better?

“Teaching children that other people can love and care for them is important, Theo. Imagine a life where you loved only one person.” Theo felt Ben shiver. “No, I have decided for you. Give her the job, and let other people love her baby also. It will be for the best.”

Theo considered it one of his better hiring decisions.

Just like Ben, he found little children captivating, especially Maggie’s. He just didn’t particularly know what to do with them. That had always been one of the best and worst things about going back to Milan every year. Ben’s nephews and nieces took full advantage of his good nature and cluelessness. Most of them were grown now, but he had fond memories of endless games and stints pushing swings that seemed to go on forever.

Ben’s youngest brother had been a teen—a beautiful teen—when Theo and Ben first got together, and he had managed to part Theo from his cash so many times it became a family joke. Seeing his face—the image of his brother’s, as if Ben were still in his early thirties—on his PC screen the week before had only increased Theo’s determination to do the right thing by them all. Maggie needing to know where her baby was sealed the deal.

He’d been thinking about it pretty much constantly for the last week. Theo even wrote about it on the forum. Someone had started a thread about difficult family relationships. It seemed to be a perennial subject, perhaps made more compelling to members as the holidays approached. Theo could dig it. He’d struggled for years with trying to get through holidays without family tension. For the first few years, they had spent each Christmas morning with his parents. Ben was very supportive, understanding completely that Theo was the only child, so still the center of his parent’s orbit.

Theo couldn’t bear it. His dad always tried his best to keep the conversation going, but his mother couldn’t seem to move on from quiet watchfulness when it came to Ben, who overcompensated wildly. Theo felt that his mother had never known his Ben. She set him on edge, then he reinforced her impressions that he wasn’t suitable for her son.

They went away for the holidays after their third year together, and had done so every year since. He mentioned his experience in general terms on the forum, leaving out chunks of detail, only summarizing that sometimes you just had to cut your losses and concentrate on the people who accept who and what you love. His phone chimed the next morning while he was at work.

MORGAN: Who were you talking about?

THEO: My parents.

MORGAN: I’m sorry. Do they still feel the same way about your sexuality?

THEO: That wasn’t the issue. My mother never really accepted my partner. She was civil, but that was it. She never got to know him at all.

MORGAN: How is she now that he’s gone?

Theo was in a meeting. He stared fiercely at the PowerPoint presentation about management strategy which bordered on incomprehensible, his eyes blurring. He switched his cell phone off until he got back to the privacy of his office.

MORGAN: Ignore me. I’m too nosy.

THEO: That’s okay. I think she regrets the way she was. I don’t know. I’m pretty sure she does. I’ll never be able to forget, though. I wish I could.

Theo found himself wondering, yet again, how old Morgan was. They hadn’t shared any “real life” information that made them overly identifiable. That was just common sense on the Internet, especially as theirs was a local board, devoted to members from Seattle. They didn’t know where each other worked, or lived, or even what they looked like. All they had to go on were the opinions that they shared. You could build up a pretty good mental image from that information alone, Theo figured.

When Morgan offered advice regarding Theo’s mother, he guessed that he must be around the same age as Theo. He’d had that feeling many times before. The man had lived.

MORGAN: We all do stupid shit sometimes—shit that’s hard to back away from without losing face. Sometimes you keep doing the same things, over and over and over, knowing that they’re unhealthy and might even harm you, or harm your relationships.

MORGAN: Sometimes you end up believing things have to stay the same way, even if they hurt people that you care for.

Theo sat in his empty office, nodding. Yes, Morgan understood.

MORGAN: If she’s trying to express regret, maybe you should let her do that. It might help you both.

THEO: Yeah, I guess.

MORGAN: I know what’s best for you. Just accept it, Theo.

He thought about their conversation as he drove home from Maggie’s and then settled into bed, even though it was only just past 9 p.m. Taking a deep breath, Theo called his mother.

“Theo, darling! How are you? How is your back feeling? Are you managing at work?” He held the phone away from his ear.

“I’m good, Mom.” He listened while she filled him in on everything she and his dad had done since last seeing him. Then he listened to her describe a complete stranger’s recent hernia repair, and some plans that had been drawn up to build a resort on the other side of the lake. When she was done, Theo started to tell her what he intended to do. “Mom, I want you to listen, then think for a while and talk to Dad.” The silence at the other end of the line was almost as deafening as her initial greeting.

“Theo, are you all right?” Her voice wavered slightly. Sometimes his mother sounded positively elderly.

“I’m fine, Mom. I’m planning a trip. I wanted to give you some notice, that’s all.”

“Oh, I can easily water your plants, Theo. Don’t you usually get a neighbor to do that for you? You and Ben were always going away….” Her voice faded. It was true; he and Ben had regularly gone out of town.

“I don’t want you to water the plants, Mom.” He paused, drawing in a huge breath. “I’m taking Ben home. It’s time. I can’t make his mother wait any longer. I’d like it very much if you both came with me.”

“Oh, Theo.”

“Just think about it, Mom.” Theo closed his eyes, picturing Marco’s face on his PC screen as they Skyped the week before, whispering, wincing, reluctant to hurt Theo with his words. He only said what Theo already knew. His mamma needed her Ben home. She’d rest easier knowing where her firstborn was.