After Anna (21 page)

‘So you think there is more to this?’ she said. ‘You think there is more to come? Are we at risk?’

Even if this
was
over, she thought, she would never know. She would have to live for the rest of her life with the fear that it might happen again.

‘It can’t have been for no reason,’ DI Wynne said. ‘That’s what worries me.’

‘But what would the reason be?’ Julia said. ‘It doesn’t make sense. Maybe it’s – I dunno – like a game to them. Maybe they want to create the hardest possible conditions in which to kidnap a child – I mean, we’ll watch her like a hawk – and then prove they can do it.’

The sense of powerlessness was overwhelming. How could she protect her child against some unknown, unquantified, unguessable threat? If, at that moment, DI Wynne had offered her a new identity in Australia she would have taken it without a moment of hesitation. She just wanted to get away, to be able to raise her daughter in safety. It wasn’t too much to ask, was it?

‘We’ll put a squad car outside your house,’ Wynne said. ‘At least until we have more certainty about what is going on.’

Julia nodded, partially – for the moment, at least – reassured. ‘And the press,’ she said. ‘Are they still out there?’

‘No. We moved them on. You need your privacy at a time like this. I can’t say they won’t be back eventually, but hopefully all this will have died down a bit by then. There’ll be another story for them to sink their teeth into.’

‘Some other poor bugger’s life to ruin,’ Brian said. ‘Bunch of bastards, the lot of them.’

On her lap, Anna stirred. Julia looked down at her daughter’s face, her mouth slightly parted, her eyeballs twitching as she dreamed.

What are you dreaming about?
she thought.
Are you seeing whoever did this? Are they in your mind at this moment, right there in front of me but totally inaccessible?

She looked up at DI Wynne. ‘So what’s next?’ she said.

‘Well,’ Wynne replied. ‘We’ll be carrying on with the investigation. I’d like you to monitor Anna closely, see if she says anything that might give us an indication of where she’s been. The memory is a strange animal. It can throw things up at the least likely moment.’ She looked at Brian. ‘And if you hear from your father, we’d be interested to speak to him. But other than that, try and keep things as normal as possible.’

Brian started to get to his feet. DI Wynne motioned him to stay seated.

‘I’ll see myself out,’ she said. ‘You stay there.’ She walked towards the door. When she reached it she turned around. ‘And Mr and Mrs Crowne? I want to let you know how happy I am for you that your family is back together. Have a good night.’

v.

The front door clicked shut and the house was silent. It seemed to Julia that it was the first time in a week that the house had been truly quiet: yes, there had been plenty of moments when there was no sound, but the lack of sound had almost been a noise; a reminder of Anna’s absence. And, in any case, whether there was noise or not had made no difference to the clamour inside Julia’s skull. Her mind had whirred, cogs flicking her thoughts from memories of Anna to wretched fears about where she might be to lacerating feelings of guilt.

Now, though, with her daughter’s head in her lap, there was peace in the silence.

‘Are you going to take her up to bed?’ Brian asked.

‘I suppose I should,’ Julia said. She looked again at Anna’s sleeping face and fell in love all over again with her daughter. ‘But I can’t bring myself to let her go.’

‘I know. I can’t believe she’s back. I didn’t think – I mean, I hoped, but I just didn’t dare think she’d – you know. Come home.’

‘I know,’ Julia said, aware of the exact feeling he was trying to describe – a mixture of disbelief and wonder with the feeling you get when you realize that you nearly ran into a car or made some huge mistake but just missed it, the feeling of being simply
lucky
– but equally unable to put it into words.

There was a long pause. It grew heavy and pregnant.

‘We need to talk,’ Brian said.

‘About us?’

‘About us. But also about you.’

‘What about me?’

‘I found you passed out on the couch, Julia, surrounded by sleeping pills and vodka. I’m worried.’

‘Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.’
A bit embarrassed
, Julia thought,
but fine.

‘You tried to
kill
yourself,’ Brian said. ‘I’d hardly call that fine.’

Julia shook her head. ‘No,’ she said. ‘No. That’s not what happened. It wasn’t … I didn’t try to kill myself. I just wanted some sleep. A break.’

Brian did not look convinced. Julia felt indignation swell in her throat.

‘Brian! I didn’t try to kill myself! I can’t believe you think that!’

‘If you say so,’ he said. ‘But it looked a lot like that.’

‘If I’d tried to kill myself I would have done it,’ Julia said. ‘I would have taken more than two sleeping pills. I would have taken them all.’ She shook her head. ‘This is ridiculous. The worst thing is that I thought about it, but there was no way I could have done it. Not while there was a chance Anna was still alive. And she is, Brian. That’s what we should be talking about, not some imagined suicide attempt.’

Brian nodded. ‘Ok,’ he said. ‘It’s your business. I have something else I want to say.’

‘Go ahead,’ Julia said. ‘Get it off your chest.’

‘We need to make arrangements. For the separation.’

‘Do we have to do this now?’ Julia said. ‘Can’t it wait?’

‘No,’ Brian said. ‘Now’s best.’

‘Ok.’ Julia kept her eyes on Anna’s face. Nothing could bother her while she had her daughter in her arms. ‘What are you thinking?’

‘That I would leave. Go to Mum’s, maybe. We’d sell the house. Split the proceeds. Or you could buy me out with your share of our money and stay here.’

Julia was ready to accept that Brian and her were over. She wanted her and Brian to be over, but this was not the time. They did not need the disruption of a messy divorce hot on the heels of Anna’s disappearance and miraculous return.

‘Look,’ she said. ‘I know things aren’t great between us, but couldn’t we put this off? I think Anna’s going to need us both. She’s going to need the stability of a familiar home and both her parents.’

‘Our relationship is over, Julia. After what … ’ he paused, uncertain about whether to carry on, then gave a little shrug, as though reconciled that whatever he was going to say needed to be said, and carried on, ‘what you did, there’s no hope of it working between us. You told me you wanted a divorce; that the life I offered wasn’t enough for you, and then you didn’t bother showing up for Anna. The fact that it turned out ok in the end doesn’t justify it, and I don’t forgive you. For
either
thing.’

‘I get it,’ Julia said. ‘And I don’t expect us to stay together forever. I just think we could hold on before we tear everything apart. We can sleep in separate rooms. It might be miserable for
us
, but at least Anna will have stability. I mean, it’s not perfect, but we’ll hardly be the only couple with a shitty relationship who stay together for the sake of their children.’

Brian hesitated. ‘How long for?’ he said.

‘I don’t know. Six months. A year, maybe. Whatever it takes until it feels like it’s the right time to do it. And don’t worry. You can see other people, do whatever you want. I don’t care. I just want to protect Anna.’

He reddened. ‘That’s not what I want,’ he said. ‘This is not about seeing other people.’ He shook his head. ‘It’s so
typical
of you to think that it is. You always find a way to see me in the worst light. I just thought it was for the best.’

‘I’m sorry.’ She realized she was about to manipulate him, but didn’t care. ‘If you want to do what’s for the best, then stay, for a while at least. That’s all I’m asking. Do it for Anna.’

‘Fine, I’ll do it. I’ll stay.’ He sat upright, his shoulders squaring in an attempt to keep his pride. ‘But I’m only doing it for her. Not for any other reason. Not for
you
.’

Julia sighed. ‘Good,’ she said. ‘Thank you.’ She cinched Anna tighter to her, then levered herself to her feet. ‘I think I will put Anna in bed. She can sleep with me tonight. See you in the morning.’

She left him downstairs, the bitterness hanging between them, but she didn’t care. As long as she had Anna she didn’t care about Brian or her marriage or her career. She didn’t care about anything. As long as she had Anna everything was ok.

vi.

The psychologist was not what Julia had expected. He was in his early fifties, had a pot belly, wore black nail varnish on his left hand, and finished every sentence by slightly tilting his head and saying ‘y’know?’

He sat next to Anna on a faded, sagging couch. On the table in front of him were some children’s books and toys. Julia sat in an armchair, a little off to the side. There had been a suggestion that Anna would go in alone, but Julia had not agreed.

‘So,’ he said to Anna. ‘My name is Robert, but you can call me Rob, Robbie, Mr Robbie, Bob, Monsieur Bob, or, if you really want, Dave.’

Anna giggled. ‘Can I call you Thomas,’ she said. ‘Like the train?’

Robert – Rob, Robbie, Bob – nodded. ‘If you wish. ‘Do you like trains?’

‘A bit.’ Anna paused. ‘But not a lot. Boys like trains.’

‘Girls too,’ Robert said. ‘Girls like trains too.’

‘I know,’ Anna said. ‘But mainly boys do.’

Julia stopped herself jumping into the conversation and explaining that she and Brian had tried to avoid gender stereotyping as much as they could, but, despite their best efforts, Anna had still picked up the idea that girls and boys liked and did different things. It was infuriating to Julia – she was sick of pink fairies and princesses – but there seemed to be little she could do about it.

The conversation went on. Robert asked Anna what she liked to do, who her friends were, where she went to school. He asked if she had been anywhere new recently, if there were things she didn’t like (spiders and broccoli, apparently), if she ever felt unsafe or worried. She answered his questions freely, and, at the end of the half hour, he clapped his hands gently and smiled at her.

‘Well,’ he said. ‘That was every interesting. I enjoyed meeting you, Anna. Would you like to see me again?’

Anna nodded. ‘You’re funny.’

‘OK. Well, I’ll arrange it with your mum. But other than that, we’re done for the day.’

In the lobby Robert asked the receptionist to take Anna to choose a sticker from the basket they kept behind the desk. He shook Julia’s hand.

‘I’ll write up a full report,’ he said. ‘But she seems fine. No signs of trauma. Chatty, confident, relaxed. A very happy little girl. I’ll meet with her once a week for a while and see if that changes, but for now it seems things are well.’

‘Thank you,’ Julia said. ‘I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear that.’

‘I have six of my own,’ Robert said. ‘From twenty-two down to ten, so I know how you feel. There’s no worry like the worry you have for your kids. I find it physically painful.’

‘And with six there must always be something to worry about.’

‘There is with one,’ Robert said. ‘And you can only worry so much. With six you just spread the worry around more.’

‘I don’t even want to think about that,’ Julia said. ‘I don’t know how you manage.’

‘Manage?’ Robert said. ‘Who said I manage? With six kids I just focus on survival.’

The receptionist walked over, holding Anna’s hand. ‘She wanted two stickers,’ she said. ‘Normally we only allow one, but I let her have both.’

Anna was going to get that kind of special treatment for a while, Julia realized. It came of being
the little girl who was abducted
.

‘Which did you get?’ Robert asked her.

‘The unicorn and the butterfly,’ Anna said.

‘Not the train and the racing car?’ Robert said.

‘No,’ Anna said. ‘I told you. Trains are for boys. And racing cars. I like animals. And the big doll’s house.’

‘OK,’ Robert said. ‘Have it your way.’

Julia paused. She looked at Anna and replayed what her daughter had just said. There was something odd, something out of place.

‘What big doll’s house?’ she asked.

Anna titled her head upwards. She frowned. ‘The big one,’ she said. ‘The one I slept in.’

Julia’s heart rate increased. ‘When did you sleep in a dolls’ house?’

Anna didn’t answer for a few seconds. When she did, she looked thoughtful. ‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘I don’t remember.’

‘What was it like?’ Robert’s tone was exactly as it had been before: calm, measured, playful, but there was an urgency underneath. ‘Tell me about the doll’s house. I love doll’s houses.’

‘No you don’t,’ Anna said. ‘You’re a boy.’

‘You have an appointment starting,’ the receptionist said. ‘Mr Newall.’

‘Could you let him know I’ll be a few minutes late?’ Robert said. He addressed himself to Anna. ‘I love them,’ he said. ‘Boys can love them, too. Tell me about yours. The big one.’

‘I can’t really remember it,’ Anna said. ‘I just remember that it was big, and I slept in it.’

‘How could a doll’s house be big enough to sleep in?’ asked Robert. ‘Surely that would make it a house for people?’

‘No,’ Anna insisted. ‘It was a doll’s house. But it was very big.’

‘Do you remember where it was?’

Anna shook her head. ‘No,’ she said. ‘Maybe it was a dream.’

‘Maybe.’ Robert looked at Julia. ‘Let’s have a chat,’ he said.

Julia and Brian occupied the couch in Robert’s office. DI Wynne sat in the armchair. Robert stood by the door.

‘She said she had slept in a big doll’s house,’ Julia said. ‘That was what was strange to me. She was very specific. She said she had slept there. Not played with it: slept in it. It’s not the kind of thing she would make up.’

‘Take me through what she said,’ Wynne urged. ‘Try and get it as close as possible to her exact words.’

Robert drummed his fingers on his upper lip. He recounted the conversation. He talked slowly, stopping every few words to make sure that what he was saying was as close as possible to what he remembered.