After All This Time (18 page)

When he had come home, he had been hurt and confused, even morose. But as soon as he had met her, his days had got better, his nights easier. They did not waste any time falling back into their old pattern, and before he knew it, his feelings for her had come rushing back. He could not have her in his life and not be in love with her. He did not know how to do that.

‘Aren’t you going to say something?’ she asked. Her eyes were wide and sad, like a scared puppy’s. It was as if she was expecting him to . . . hurt her?

‘Do you mean it?’ he asked.

Lavanya nodded.

Shourya couldn’t wait any longer; he couldn’t handle any distance between them, not even the mere inches that separated them right then. He pulled her close to him and wrapped his arms around her tightly. She melted into his arms and broke down. He held on to her tightly and muttered, ‘I love you. I love you so much.’

Lavanya dug her head deeper into his chest and sobbed.

‘No. No, no, no. Don’t cry. It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay,’ he whispered in her ear.

She shook her head vehemently, her hair tickling his nose.

‘You’ve got to stop doing that, dude,’ he tried to lighten up the mood.

‘Can’t,’ came the muffled response. Her head kept shaking.

‘Why not?’

‘Your T-shirt feels nice against my forehead.’

Shourya chuckled.

When Lavanya pulled away and looked at him, he saw her smile at him, although reluctantly. He wiped her cheek and murmured. ‘You’ve been crying too much.’

Shourya had never seen such an odd expression on her face. She came closer to him, close enough for them to feel their breaths on each other’s face. Her lips parted. She touched her nose with his, before closing her eyes. Shourya’s lips parted too. He moved closer to her on the bed and eliminated the little space that remained between them, pressing his lips to hers. Shourya moved his lips on hers, sucking her lower lip. She responded with a moan.

He was able to appreciate the meaning of the phrase
time paused
. He was in the moment, completely lost in her. She was the only thing he saw, even with his eyes closed. He sat up on his knees, pulling her with him. They were facing each other, their heads resting against each other’s, their noses touching, and their breaths mingling, their knees sinking into the plush mattress. She arched her back, and he leaned into her, making her belly nestle softly against his stomach.

Shourya’s hands slid up her back and he wrapped his hand in her hair, slowly caressing the nape of her neck. Her skin felt delicate and hot under his fingertips. He saw goosebumps rise on her arms as he traced circles on the skin at the back of her neck with his fingers. Her mouth parted, gasping for air. He teased her like that for a while, enjoying the power he held over her. He tugged on her hair, causing her head to fall back, bent over her and kissed her eyes, which closed at the touch of his lips. Her ragged breathing that matched his own gave him immense satisfaction.

Her hands, which had been on his neck, moved downwards, grazing his collarbone before resting on his chest. He could feel his heart beat beneath her hand, quickening every second. He released her hair and moved his fingers to her cheeks, grazing her lips with his thumb and then pulling her bottom lip down. She sucked at his thumb.

That was the last straw. He was done being gentle. He slid his hand down to her waist and pulled her flush against him; their bodies touching from shoulder to knee. His other hand tilted her face up to meet his mouth and his lips descended on hers hungrily, tasting her on his tongue.

She was panting. She tried to free herself from his embrace, but he did not let her move even an inch away from him. His mouth assaulted hers, his tongue pushing against the resistance her teeth put up. He could tell exactly how it was affecting her from the way her body moved against his—rising up to meet him and then pulling back.

‘Shourya . . .’ she managed to exclaim when he let her come up for air. ‘Too much . . . too fast . . .’

‘I know,’ he whispered into her ear, before nipping it with his teeth.

‘Ahh,’ Lavanya yelped.

Shourya licked where he had bitten, to soothe the sting. She shivered against him, her breasts heaving against his chest as she held on to him. Shourya left a trail of kisses along her jaw, before returning to her lips. She tasted sweet and salty and amazing. Like winter air. He could not get enough. No matter how much she pleaded with him to go slow, no matter how hard he tried, he could not hold back. She was meant for passion, not tenderness.

He clutched her T-shirt in both hands, and whipped it off in one swift motion. He saw the surprise in her eyes, but she didn’t protest. This was Lavanya—the girl he had been in love with for as long as he could remember, even though he’d only realized it much later. He was now holding her in his arms. The thought sent chills up his spine. He did not know what secrets she was keeping, or what tomorrow would bring. But in that moment, she was in his arms and she was in love with him. He had never felt so happy, yet so scared at the same time.

She was beautiful. Her skin was soft and supple and glistened in the early morning light streaming into the room through the closed curtains. Her body gleamed with perspiration, and yet she shivered. The black of her bra against her olive skin offered a contrast that captivated him. He arched her backwards and supported her on one arm. His other hand brushed delicately against her neck, making its way downwards, slowly, cherishing every inch of her skin. He paused at her breasts, then looking into her eyes, teased her, his fingers deliberating between them, before proceeding lower.

Not intending to be left behind, Lavanya tugged at his T-shirt and slid it up his chest. Shourya helped matters along by taking it off and dropping it on the floor. She pulled away from him and looked at his bare upper body in admiration. She leaned into him and kissed his chest, licking softly, running her tongue around in circles. It drove him crazy.

He ran his palms down her back, neck to waist, sliding smoothly over her silken skin. The only obstacle he encountered was the strap of her bra; it took him just a second to dispense with it. His hands moved to her front and held her supple mounds captive. He pushed her back on the bed and followed her down, sucking on her neck, biting her, all the while rubbing his fingers over the sensitive skin of her breasts. He nibbled on her chin, before running his tongue over it and licking a path downwards. Her fingernails dug into his back and she arched, moaning, as he sucked on her breasts. His lips and his tongue toyed with her like a master, responding to the way Lavanya’s body throbbed at his touch. His hands skimmed down her waist to her hips. He pressed her to him, their desire now visible in the way their bodies clung to each other.

Shourya looked up at her, his mouth still feasting on her. Lavanya’s body was quivering under his touch, her lips swollen. He looked into her eyes, hungry with desire and saw her eyes shine with tears.

‘No. No crying,’ he whispered, tucking a strand of hair that had fallen on her face behind her ear. Just inches away from her face, he noticed how pretty she looked when distressed.

‘Shourya . . .’ She was looking at him, clearly scared.

‘It’s okay.’ Shourya leaned over her and planted a kiss on her forehead. He stayed there, breathing in the scent of her hair. She smelled so good, so familiar. Shourya felt his throat constrict, as the memory of her walking away that day at the airport without turning back one last time snuck into his mind. They had been through so much, but they had survived and found their way back to each other. After all this time. ‘It’s okay. This is me. You don’t have to be scared, Lavanya, this is us. We are in this together.’

She had to stop this. She could not let him do this; she could not put him at risk. Shourya kissed her forehead again, and she breathed in the sweet scent of his body. Her hands were on his back, holding him close. But she had to let go. She knew she had to, yet her fingers still clutched his back.

Shourya was looking at her, his eyes dark with passion. He needed her. She could feel it in her body. She needed him too, more than she had ever needed anything.

Lavanya held his face in her hands and pulled him closer. He kissed her nose, and his hands caught both of hers and pinned them above her head. He kept them there, holding them prisoner with one of his hands, while the other started exploring again. His face was hidden in her hair, their cheeks touching. She could feel his breathing was troubled, but it was nowhere as bad as the condition she was in. But when his hands pulled at her pants. She cringed.

Before she could say anything, Shourya looked up. ‘What is it?’

‘I . . .
can’t
,’ she croaked.

Shourya was looking at her intently, and she was trying her best not to break down in front of him. She wanted to tell him. But it would ruin everything. He loved her. If she kept her secret to herself, she could pretend to have a bright future filled with love and happiness with him. But once she told him about her disease, everything would change. Knowing the kind of person he was, and how he felt about her, he would not be able to leave her and be happy in his life. He would stay with her. They would try to make it work, but what kind of life would that be, living with a time bomb, death dangling in front of her every second of every day?

And this was the best case scenario. Even though Shourya had told her that he did not have feelings for Deepti, Lavanya did not believe him completely. She did not think that he was lying to her but maybe he himself did not know the truth about how he actually felt. The past few weeks they spent together had been a whirlwind affair. It had left their lives upside-down.

‘Lavanya, talk to me.’ Shourya was studying her with such concern that she nearly broke down.

‘I cannot do this . . .’ she said, steeling herself. She was sad. She finally admitted to herself just how sad she was. The last few weeks had been testing. She was confused and scared and in love and dying. She wanted to hurt herself. She wanted to turn to drugs again. But it was that which had landed her in trouble in the first place. It wasn’t an option any more. And then Shourya had come along. The one person she could always rely on, the one person who loved her despite all the shit she put him through, all the pain she caused him. He had made it easier, so much easier, without even knowing.

But now she could not afford the dream any more. She had to get back to reality.

‘I’m sorry . . . I just . . . can’t . . .’ She pulled her hands from Shourya’s grip and he let them loose.

He moved off her, and lay on his side, facing her. ‘What’s wrong?’

Lavanya pushed herself up against the head rest, reaching for the comforter while trying not to look directly at Shourya. She did not trust herself to stay away from him. He was everything she could not have. He was perfect. He was kind and funny and he loved her.

He had been her chance at a normal life.

Shourya pulled the comforter to her neck, covering her. His finger grazed her collarbone slightly, making her shiver. How would she let him go? How would she live without him?

‘Lavanya, what is it? You are scaring me now. You can tell me. You know you can tell me
anything
,’ he said. His eyes were pleading with hers, looking for answers.

‘I . . . I am . . .’

‘Nervous . . . ? Is that what this is?’ Shourya was inspecting her closely.

Lavanya did not meet his eyes at first, but when he persisted, she had to look up.
She could not do it
. She could not find words. She could not end this fantasy, not so soon. She nodded.

‘You don’t have to be. This is me. There’s nothing to be nervous about,’ Shourya said earnestly. Even though he was serious, she could see a smile creeping to his face.

She would give herself another moment of fantasy, and then she would tell him.
Just one day
, she reasoned. It could be one more thing—perhaps the most important thing—on her wish list. She cleared her throat and said, ‘Why do I get the feeling that you are enjoying this?’

He burst out laughing as soon as she said it.

‘That is so mean. You are so mean, Shourya Kapoor!’

‘I might be, but I’m not being mean right now. You’re just hilarious. You should’ve seen your expression. You scared me. If you’re not ready, and you need more time or it’s too soon, all you had to do is say the word.’

‘That’s what I did,’ Lavanya said.

‘No. What you did was freak me out completely. Do you have any idea what kind of thoughts came into my mind? Judging by the expression on your face, I thought something was seriously wrong.’ Shourya shook his head at her.

She let him laugh at her. She laughed with him too. Who knew how many more such moments they would get to share?

‘What? I was just nervous,’ she grumbled.

‘Just nervous. You were behaving like a scared virgin! I thought this was the first time you . . .’ Shourya froze mid-sentence at the expression on her face. ‘You . . .
are
!’

Lavanya felt the blood rush to her cheeks and she hastily looked down at her hands. Her nails were uneven and ugly, and she tore at them out of habit. She did not know where to look.

‘Shit,’ Shourya muttered. ‘I didn’t mean to be insensitive. I was just kidding. I don’t know why I thought that was funny. It was a really bad joke. God. I’m such an asshole—’

‘Shut up.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Shut
up
.’

He shut up. He could not look at her either, his eyes were darting around the room, jumping from one subdued, beige hotel-room object to another. She found that endearing. Shourya had a wonderful sense of humour and very rarely apologized for anything he said or did. Mostly because the man rarely did any wrong to anyone. It was unusual to see him embarrassed, and Lavanya enjoyed every minute of it.

‘I am sleepy,’ Lavanya said. She picked up his T-shirt from the floor and put it on. Slipping back under the covers, she adjusted a pillow under her head.

‘I really am sorry,’ Shourya said.

‘I know.’ Lavanya turned to her side, facing away from Shourya and reached for his hand. ‘Come.
Sleep
with me.’

Shourya obeyed promptly. He lay down next to her and sliding his hand around her stomach, he held her from behind. Lavanya curved her body to fit into his. He rested his head over hers, and when he whispered ‘I love you so much’ in her ear, she could do nothing but close her eyes.

‘Deepti?’

Shourya heard the name, and was suddenly wide awake. Lavanya was still curled up next to him, asleep. The room was dark; he estimated it was late evening. They had slept through the day. There was no one else in the room.

Then who—?

He
was the one who had called out.

He gently extricated his arm from under Lavanya’s neck, careful not to wake her up. Why had he called out Deepti’s name? It was a dream, he realized—a dream in which he was back in California and she was leaving Avik for him.

Why was he dreaming of her all of a sudden?

Shourya got out of bed hastily and went to his room in the suite. He found his cell phone lying on the side table next to the bed. Sure enough, there were new messages from her. She had been texting him repeatedly, making sure she was never far from his thoughts. And now his dreams.

Or was there something more to it?

He could not answer that question. He loved Lavanya deeply. He knew that. He had always loved her, even when she was far away, even when he had hated her. And now, by some twist of fate, they had come back into each other’s lives, they had been given another chance, and this time, she loved him too.

It felt as if he was living a dream.
His
dream, from years ago.

Then why was Deepti occupying a space in
this
dream? Was his subconscious trying to tell him something?

This was Lavanya. She was the best person he knew. And she deserved more than this. She deserved undivided love from the person she gave her love to. Shourya knew he could not be true to her till he figured things out with Deepti. He had been telling himself for months that he did not love her any more, that it was only what she’d done—the cheating, the lying, the betraying—that he could not get over. But what if it was not true? What if there was something more that he was missing?

Maybe he was panicking more than he needed to, but
this was Lavanya
. He could not do anything that would hurt her. If he rushed into something that he couldn’t handle and she got hurt in the process . . . he could not have that. He had assumed the responsibility of taking care of her ten years ago. He could not be the one to hurt her. He had to leave. He had to figure things out, find a way out of his mess. Escaping from his life and finding refuge outside of it was not the solution—it was only a way to clear his head. He could not go on like that forever. He knew he had to return some day. But unless he sorted out things, he could not let Lavanya invest her feelings in him.

He looked for flights back to Delhi and booked the one that left the earliest. He also called the airline he scheduled to fly back to the US on and requested a flight on an earlier date. Sneaking away behind her back and leaving her there was an awful thing to do, but he saw no other way out of this. It was better to hurt her a little now than a lot later.

He put on another shirt—Lavanya was wearing the one he had on that morning—and collected his things from around the room. He stuffed everything in his overnighter. Before leaving, he went to Lavanya’s room and left a note under the door. He could have just texted her, but a handwritten note felt like the lesser of two evils.

He did not want to leave. It was only because he cared about her more than he cared about himself that he was doing this. It was the only way he could ensure that he was not pulling her into something they weren’t ready for . . . even though it felt like he had been waiting for it to happen all his life. Everything with Lavanya had happened too fast. She was not equipped to take care of herself; she had never been, so he had to look after her. Now he had to decide if he was good enough for his best friend.