Affirmation (3 page)

With
a sigh, I tell him, “It’s not that I don’t want you
to go. I do want you to go out and have fun. It’s just…
I haven’t seen you in a while, and I miss you is all.”

Giving
me a lazy smile, Matt walks up and kisses me. It’s not deep,
it’s not seductive, but it is sweet and caring. “I know,”
is all he says, and then he picks up his briefcase.

What
the fuck? I get an “I know”? There should have been
something else. Maybe an, “I miss you, too,” or even a
half-assed attempt for him to cop a feel. But just an “I know,”
and he’s walking out?

My
eyes narrow in suspicion at him just as he reaches for his doorknob.
“Are you doing this to punish me for not having sex with you
today in your office?”

Matt
turns slowly around to look at me. His face is impassive. “Absolutely
not.”

“You’re
sure?” I ask as I saunter toward him. “Because you looked
a little peeved at me when I said no.”

Smirking
at me, Matt reaches out and tugs on a lock of my hair. Rubbing it
between his fingers for a moment, he finally looks at me. “Don’t
fool yourself, Mac. If I really wanted to, I could have gotten you to
change your mind today. So you see… there’s nothing to
be mad about.”

Damn
him and his confidence and yeah, his arrogance. He knows good and
well I would have capitulated with a few more soft touches and hot
words, and I know it, too. So it appears that he’s not
punishing me.

Which
means that he would rather go get drunk with a bunch of guys than
come home with me and attempt to break my headboard. The thought
makes me feel utterly dejected and if my self-esteem had balls, they
just took a swift kick there.

I’m
not sure what expression my face is wearing because something softens
in Matt’s eyes. His hand comes up to tuck under my chin, and
his thumb strokes my lower lip. “I promise… tomorrow you
and I will do something special, okay?”

Blinking
hard so the tears that have been threatening to expose me for a weak,
puny, sissy girl don’t fall, I nod. He leans in and gives me a
light kiss, and then he’s gone.

As
scheduled, I show up the next morning to Kylie’s office with a
cup of black coffee for her and another latte for me. When she calls
me into her office, I find her rooting around her in her purse. She
looks up and grimaces. “Oh, McKayla. Do you have an aspirin or
something? I have a raging headache.”

Actually,
I do as I keep a supply in my briefcase because hello… nothing
causes a headache like the law. Reaching in, I grab two and hand them
to her along with her coffee.

She
tosses them back, swigs the coffee, and swallows with a groan. “Thank
you.”

“Sure.
Are you okay, though? You look a little pale. Maybe you should go
home.”

Kylie
gives me an indulgent smile. “A headache is no reason to leave
work. Hell, I’d still work if I had the raging flu. Sick days
are for pussies.”

Oh-kay.

So
she’s a hard-core worker. Big fucking deal.

“Besides,”
she continues on, “it’s my own damn fault. I shouldn’t
have drunk so much last night.”

Sitting
down at her table, I pull my file out of my briefcase and start
pulling out the items I need to go over with her. I could really care
less if she’s a raging alcoholic or what, but she seems intent
on continuing to talk.

“You
would think I’d learn my lesson, right? I mean, I went out with
a bunch of friends the night before that and got toasted. I was so
miserable. But I guess the lure of Matt was just too much to pass
up.”

I
had only been half listening to her but at the mention of Matt’s
name, I went on hyper alert. Every cell in my body sort of woke up
and turned their antennas toward Kylie.

“Lure
of Matt?” I ask, trying to sound like I’m only slightly
interested when in truth, I want to water board the information out
of her.

She
gives me a tinkling laugh, and then grimaces because it apparently
hurts her head. “Yeah, I went out with him and a bunch of the
other lawyers here last night. We closed the bar down. But now I’m
paying for it.”

Kylie
actually goes on and says something more about her night out, but I
don’t hear a word. That’s because a strange sort of
buzzing has just filled my head. It gets louder and louder, until I
can’t hear a thing that Kylie is saying at all. All I can see
is her mouth moving.

It
occurs to me that this incessant buzzing sound is actually the blood
that is pounding through my veins, and the tingling over my skin
means that I am so angry right now that I may be on the verge of
stroking out.

I
mumble something to Kylie… I’m not sure exactly what I
told her, but she nods at me, so I get up from the table and
practically stumble out of her office.

Once
outside, I lean back against the wall and try for some deep breathing
exercises. I must calm myself down because otherwise, I am in very
serious jeopardy of doing severe bodily harm to Matt.

The
motherfucker told me it was a guy’s night out, which is why I
assumed I wasn’t invited, and yet, he invited Kylie.

Motherfucker!

While
I am brimming with anger, I’m also starting to notice a deep
sadness start to well up inside of me because I knew something had
been wrong for several days.

It
went back to the day Marissa came to Matt’s apartment to get
Gabe. He has not been the same since. I’ve sensed the change in
him, but I couldn’t quite put a name to what was going on. But
now I see it just as clear as day.

Matt
is trying to sabotage our relationship.

Now,
whether he’s doing it intentionally because he doesn’t
want to be with me, or he’s doing it subconsciously because he
is still ruled and commanded by his bitter feelings of betrayal and
hurt, I just don’t know.

But
I can tell you… I’m going to find out right now.

By
the time I make it down to Matt’s office, the buzzing in my
head has waned and the only outward sign of my distress is the slight
shake to my hand as I knock on his door. He calls softly for me to
enter and, when I walk in, I can see that he’s meeting with
another attorney. It’s Rob Something-or-Other from litigation…
one of his drinking buddies from last night from what I remember Matt
saying.

They
were both clearly laughing about something when I walked in, both of
them looking assured and relaxed.

“I
need to talk to you,” I manage to get out with a level voice
while I look at Matt.

His
smile stays in place even as his tone dismisses me. “Can this
wait until later? Rob and I were just in the middle of something.”

I
close my eyes briefly and take in two deep breaths.

I
will not kill him. I will not kill him.

Opening
my eyes back up, I say, “I’m sorry. It’s urgent.”

Then
I turn to Rob and say, “I’m sorry, Rob. I wouldn’t
ask if it weren’t really important.”

Rob
stands with ease and says, “No problem. I’ll catch you
later, Matt.”

Matt
just nods his head toward Rob briefly and watches him walk out the
door. As soon as we’re alone, his gaze turns to me. I’m
pleased to see he doesn’t have such a smug look on his face
now.

“What’s
wrong?” he asks with some hesitation. Apparently, whatever is
on my face is giving him forewarning that this will not be a pleasant
conversation.

His
eyes are warm and shining like a tumbler of whiskey. His face is
classically beautiful, and never fails to give me pause when I stare
at it. But right now… right now, I’m seeing a whole lot
of ugly when it comes to Matt.

I
walk up to his desk, put my palms on the edge so they aren’t
shaking as badly, and say, “I want to know why you lied to me
last night.”

Matt
swallows hard once, but his eyes give away nothing. I don’t see
guilt, remorse, or even annoyance from my statement. “How
exactly do you think I lied?”

No
sense in beating around the bush. “You told me you were going
out with the boys last night, and I get that. It’s good to have
a boy’s night out, even if it did hurt my feelings a little
that you wouldn’t rather be with me. Still… I let it go.
Except I come in this morning to find out that your boy’s night
wasn’t such a boy’s night after all. It appears you
invited Kylie to go with you and from what I can tell, she doesn’t
have a dick swinging between her legs.”

My
last words are bordering on the shrill side as my anger threatens to
overwhelm me again. I expect Matt to come raging at me with a fight.
I can almost feel the tension vibrating off him.

Instead,
he shows immense calm when he says, “I didn’t invite her.
One of the other guys did.”

I
knew he was going to say that. I have no clue if it’s true or
not because I didn’t bother to ask Kylie the details. But it
doesn’t matter. “Then how come you didn’t invite me
once you realized she was coming? Once you realized it wasn’t
just a ‘boy’s night out’?”

Now
Matt looks a little uncomfortable and I know, without a doubt, that
he had in fact considered it, but for some reason, decided against
it. “I couldn’t invite you, Mac. People can’t know
we’re together.”

“Bullshit,”
I seethe. “I’ve been in your presence plenty of times
around other members of this firm, and we both could have had fun
last night without ever giving anything away. But the truth of the
matter is—you just didn’t want me there. You wanted space
from me, and I want to know why.”

“Mac,”
he says in a gentle voice, trying to talk my anger down. “It’s
not a big deal—”

“Tell
me the truth,” I beg.

“You’re
making this—”

“TELL.
ME,” I yell at him across the desk as I slap my hands down.

“Calm
down,” he hisses at me. “Do you want everyone to know
about us?”

My
voice quiets, and it’s so very sad when I say, “Know
what, Matt? What is there exactly to know?”

Matt
leans back in his chair with a heavy sigh, and I can see resignation
fill his face. “I don’t know what to tell you, Mac. I’ve
been trying. I really have. But lately… it just seems like a
lot of work.”

“I
seem like a lot of work?” I ask disbelieving. “You mean…
it’s a real chore for you to have to get it up for me?”

I
know that’s a ridiculous accusation but I’m feeling so
hurt and attacked right now, I can’t help myself.

“NO!
That’s not what I’m saying. I’m insanely attracted
to you. You have to know that.”

“Then
why is it work?”

“Because…
because you wanted more than just sex, and I tried to give it to you.
But lately… it just seems too hard. Ever since…”

He
trails off and doesn’t finish his sentence, but I know what he
was going to say. Because I had already thought the same thing. “You
mean ever since Marissa came over to your apartment that day. That
was the day she reminded you that you’ve been screwed over and
all women must therefore be the same as her. Thus, none of us are
good enough to get the great Matthew Fucking Connover’s full
attention. I mean, if we’re lucky girls… he’ll
fuck us and fuck us good, but he’ll never let us into his
heart. No woman is apparently good enough to warrant that type of
attention from you, right? Because poor little Matt had his feelings
hurt, and now he wants to wallow in misery. Boo fucking hoo, Matt.
Boo fucking hoo.”

I
finish my little rant and my chest is heaving, but apparently, I did
a good job of pissing Matt off because now he stands up on the
opposite side of his desk and leans over to snarl at me. “Don’t
you think you may be trivializing what I’ve been through just a
bit? This isn’t easy on me, you know.”

I’m
not sure if he’s trying to get sympathy or trying to justify
his actions, but neither course matters to me very much. I’m
seeing clearly now that Matt is comfortable with the way things are
in his life. He clearly only craves physicality and could do without
emotional intimacy. So be it. I know I need more than that, and I’m
not going to waste another minute trying to make him into something
he has no desire to be.