Adulation (45 page)

Josh shook his head, a gesture somewhere between exasperation and an ache to comprehend. “Andyou don’t think that can come to you if you just put off the absurd notion that you’re going to end up with ascreenwriter you’re fixated with?”

“That’s what I thought with Teddy. I thought it would come to me. Once everything was in place,then it would just happen. Kind of like the rationale that some people who are trying to lose weight or quitsmoking have—they think that life will be so much better as soon as they lose the weight or are smoke-free. But all they do is put off their happiness. It never occurs to them that they can create the life theywant in the meantime.”

“Isn’t that what you’ve been doing for the last seven years?” he accused.

“I did worse,” I said. “I gave up completely once I realized that I’d wasted all those years waiting for something that was never going to happen. Not with Danny, but with
 
Teddy
.” And then, at that moment, I had an epiphany. “You know, it just occurred to me: Not being able to have children might have been the greatest blessing ever. Can you imagine what would’ve happened if that dream came true, and I was still

miserable? Can you imagine what that would’ve been like for my kids?”

“I can understand that,” he said, no doubt thinking of his own kids, worried about the scars his unhappy marriage and divorce left on them.

The more I spoke, the clearer it came into focus. “I wouldn’t want that for
 
your
 
kids either. Or you. You deserve more, Josh. So do they. I can’t take that risk. It’s tearing me apart to hurt you right now. But if I went even further, and my worst fear was realized... It would kill me to hurt you, Jeremy, and Mattie like that.”

Josh looked utterly defeated.

“I want you to be happy,” he said, his voice catching slightly on the last word.

Another tear slipped away from me. “I want the same for you.”

He looked away for a moment, as if trying to come up with a Hail Mary play, a game changer,before the clock ran out. But clearly he had nothing, and he knew it. His eyes met mine.

“Guess there’s nothing more to say. You’ve made up your mind.”

“I am so sorry,” I said.

“I’m sorry too.”

We left the café and drove back to Josh’s place in silence. When he pulled up to my Beetle, Iopened the passenger door and stepped out of his car. He turned off the ignition and walked around tomeet me. And we stood, facing each other, each of us desperately wishing for a way to make thingsdifferent between us, less painful.

“You still going to see Danny Masters when he comes to the store?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“And what will you say to him?”

Good question.

“I really don’t know.”

Josh opened his arms for one final embrace, and we held each other tightly.

“I’m going to miss you so much,” I said between sobs.

“I’m going to miss you too.”

He let go of me and I wiped my eyes. He did the same. “Take good care of yourself, Sunny.”

“You too.”

And just like that, Joshua Hamilton and I were no more.

I cried over the George Washington and Throgs Neck bridges, the Long Island Expressway and Northern State Parkway, Route 110 and New York Avenue, right up the steps into my apartment until Iflopped in my bed, my clothes on, and turned out the light.

Where would I have ended up had I done this ten years ago, before Teddy and I got married? Where was I going to end up now?

I had no idea. But it was time to stop fixating on the what ifs and the shoulda, woulda, couldas andthe supposed tos. It was time to move forward. Time to make a plan.

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

Danny Masters

D
ANNY WENT HOME
 
to shower and change. He considered going back to the office, but realized he wantedto go for a drive. Just get in his car and cruise up the coast, stopping wherever he so desired. Or maybe hewould call Raj first. Or Paul Wolf and have lunch. For once he didn’t feel flummoxed by the buffet ofchoices, wasn’t afraid to make a wrong move.

He was about to leave the house when Ella called.

“Dad, get over here
 
right now
,” she said.

He became alarmed. “What’s wrong, El?”

“Everything’s fine—you just have to come over, I don’t want to tell you over the phone!”

Danny hung up, grabbed his keys, and sped off to Frannie’s house. Along the way his mind flippedthrough various scenarios, hoping it had nothing to do with Richie the drummer. He arrived at the house inrecord time and knocked on the door twice before entering just as Ella raced up to open it, her bangsflying in a flurry. She jumped up and threw her arms around her father’s neck, almost knocking him over.

“What’s up?” he asked. “I can’t take the suspense.”

Frannie entered the room and immediately noticed a change in him. “Did you get some good newsabout the new show?” she asked.

“More like I got a second wind.” He sent Frannie a message with his eyes:
 
What’s going on?
 
Frannie shrugged, her eyes responding,
 
Your guess is as good as mine.

Ella took him by the arm and pulled him into the living room, her eyes bright and her face glowing.

“C’mon! You too, Mom.”

They sat side by side on the couch, while Ella stood in front of them.

“OK,” she started. “Remember when I told you that I wanted to go to the School of the Arts in New York City?”

They nodded. “I thought you said you weren’t old enough,” said Frannie.

“I’m not right now,” said Ella. “But I will be in September, as a freshman. So I applied. And guess

what:
 
I GOT IN!
”

Danny jumped up. “Sweetheart, that’s terrific!” He picked her up and spun her around. “I am soproud of you!” When he put her down he saw Frannie was not enthused.

“I thought we discussed this,” she said. “What made you go behind my back and apply?”

“Mom, what is the big deal? It’s just New York.”

“The big deal is that I don’t want you living there.”

“Oh, and LA is such a paradise,” said Danny, knowing there would be hell to pay for notpresenting a united front with Frannie, but he was too selfishly excited. It made his plans that much easier. Perhaps Raj was right, and the universe had been busy lining things up for him.

Frannie glowered at him before turning to Ella. “I don’t want to move to New York City. I’m a Californian. I don’t like New York. I never have.”

“So don’t move,” said Ella.

“Then where will you live? And with whom?”

She pointed to Danny. “Dad.”

Frannie’s glower became even fiercer as he put his hands up in surrender. “Hey, this wasn’t my

idea.”

“Sure sounds like you discussed it.”

“It was a hypothetical conversation,” he said, instantly regretting sharing this bit of information.

“Hypothetical,” she repeated, skeptical.

“Well, it started out that way. But then I decided to go through with it—the moving part, I mean. My moving, not Ella coming with me.” It seemed the more he tried to dig himself out of the hole, the deeper it got. “You know I wouldn’t keep something like that from you, Frannie. Ella just beat me to the punch.”

“See, Mom? It’s perfect.”

“Ella, I wanna talk to your dad alone.”

Ella groaned. “Oh, come on, Mom. Don’t kill my buzz.”

“It’s OK, El,” said Danny. “We need to talk about this.”

Ella left the room sulking, yet still maintaining a bounce in her step. Danny turned to his ex-wife. “I swear I had nothing to do with this. I assumed that if she discussed it with me, then she discussed it with you.”

“And what the hell makes you think I would approve of something like that?”

“Why wouldn’t you? Look, it’s something she really wants.”

“She’s only fifteen!”

“Don’t rush it—she still has a couple of months,” said Danny.

“How can she know what she wants?”

“You can’t be committed at fifteen? Or fourteen? Or thirteen or twelve? I can rattle off the names of people I’ve worked with who knew what they wanted to do with their lives when they were just children.” He paused for a beat. “Or is this about you not wanting to go with her?”

Tears came to her eyes. “I don’t want to lose her, Danny, but I just...I can’t...”

He embraced her, that tenderness he’d always felt for her pounding in his heart.

“Look, I’ll take care of her. You know I will.”

“And what about when you’re not there? Who’ll look after her then?”

“I’ll be home more often. I’m making some life changes. Paring down.”

Frannie released herself from his hold and looked at him, astonished. “Since when?”

He tried to act casual. “I’ve been wanting to take a break for a while now.”

She looked at him, her expression registering equal parts skepticism and curiosity. “This about Charlene?”

“Charlene and I are over for good,” he said, his tone solid and resolute, and this seemed to surprise Frannie just as much as his desire to simplify his life. He could practically read her mind at that moment: This wasn’t Danny crying wolf; he and Charlene Dumont were never going to be a couple, ever again.

“Is there someone else?”

He paused for a moment, uncertain of how to answer. “It’s complicated. I met her a while ago, atthe New York premiere of
 
Exposed
, but had a hard time tracking her down since then. Nothing’s set instone, but I—” He stopped short. What came next? Was he really about to turn his whole life around forher?

No, it wasn’t for her—it was for
 
him
.

He wanted to move anyway, he suddenly realized, regardless of whether Sunny was there or not.

And then, as if he had taken off a pair of dark glasses, everything around him brightened, became crystal

clear. Yes. It wasn’t for or about Sunny. It was about
 
going home
, and bringing his daughter with him. And he felt a moment of well-being, that no matter what the outcome with Sunny, he would be OK. He’d never had that feeling with Charlene—in the beginning, every time they broke up felt like a catastrophe. Then it felt just plain lousy. He didn’t believe he’d be able to go for the rest of his life without her intoxicating scent, her sex, her seductive nature. He didn’t believe he’d be able to endure seeing her on the screen or stage without feeling the pain of being apart from her for prolonged periods of time. He remembered having those same worries about giving up alcohol until the night of the accident, and how those worries turned out to be illusions that vanished the moment he found out that Teresa was going to survive. He’d always have his temptations to drink, and those tricksters would try to deceive him, but one thought of Ella or Teresa was enough for him.

“Look, Frannie,” he said. “If the shoe was on the other foot and it was me staying here instead of you, I know it would kill me to live so far away from Ella. But this is a  once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for her, and she’s a good kid. She’ll do well in New York. It suits her.”

“She gets it from you,” Frannie retorted.

Ella returned to the room, and he guessed she hadn’t gone very far in the first place. “Can I say something, please?” she asked. They turned to her. Ella directed her attention to her mother. “Mom. You know I love you. You’ve been like the best mother in the world. Half my friends wish you were their mom. You’ve had me more or less to yourself for the better part of my life. But I think...” She gestured toward Danny. “I think Dad deserves just as much time with me, especially before I go off to college. And I want to live with him.”

A tidal wave of emotion in Danny’s chest barreled toward his tear ducts. He pressed his lips together tightly and dabbed his eyes before a single salty drop could escape.

Frannie asked him, “What about your agents? Ken Congdon? Your office? You’ve got so much tied up here.”