Actual Stop (26 page)

My muscles all went tight, and my body trembled. Jesus, this wouldn’t take long at all, I thought stupidly as I spread my knees a little wider. She let out a sort of growl as she wrapped her lips around me, and the slight vibration made me gasp.

Remembering where I was and what I was supposed to be doing, I bent my head so I could resume my earlier activities. Only I upped the ante and thrust two fingers inside her as well. She made that low, guttural noise again and rolled her hips beneath me. I chuckled as I pulled my fingers out slowly. She whimpered, and I, never able to deny her anything, slid them back home.

Her entire body went rigid, and her thighs quivered. She was moaning more often, and her motions against my swollen sex were becoming almost frantic. She was definitely about to come, and I was thrilled to know she was as close as I was.

It took all my willpower and concentration to remain focused on her pleasure because I was dying to submit completely to her touch. Fighting that instinct was a bitch. But, somehow, I did. And it was absolutely worth it. Feeling her groan of surrender against me as she fell dragged me over the edge with her, and as we clung to one another, riding out the ecstasy of our shared orgasm, I couldn’t imagine anything more perfect.

We lay there for a while, our bodies and limbs tangled, catching our respective breaths. We’d shifted positions so Allison’s head rested heavily on my shoulder, and I brushed my lips over her hair as I stroked her back with my fingertips. I was floating in the most incredible post-bliss haze, and I didn’t have the energy to even wonder what came next for us. I was spent.

“Wow,” Allison whispered.

“Yeah.”

“That was…” She shook her head and sighed, snuggling more securely against me and throwing one leg over my hip. “Wow.”

“Yeah.”

She traced random patterns on my other hip, and I smiled. Then I didn’t hear anything but our mingled breathing for a long time. I thought she’d fallen asleep and was drifting off contentedly when she murmured so quietly I almost didn’t hear her.

“I’ve really missed this.”

My eyes popped back open, and I tensed. A cannonball suddenly splashed down in my chest, and I didn’t know how to respond. Did she mean she missed being held by someone in general? Or was she telling me she missed me specifically? Her words didn’t indicate her meaning, and since her face was pillowed against my chest, I couldn’t see her expression for any clues. I finally went with the ever-eloquent and appropriate, “Huh?”

“Mmm. So you are awake.” Allison’s voice sounded a little teasing.

“Yeah. I…yeah.” It was lame, and we both knew it, but I couldn’t think of anything else to say. Now that we’d slaked our passion somewhat, and I could think, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to happen next, what was even feasible. After a long silence, during which Allison inhaled several times as though she wanted to say something, she just exhaled softly.

“You did know I was talking about you, right?” she asked finally.

I shrugged, not wanting to shatter the afterglow by mentioning that she’d slaughtered me once upon a time. Nothing kills the mood faster than bringing up old wounds. Except perhaps giving voice to fears that she might one day do it again.

Allison propped herself up, leaning on one elbow over me and looked intently into my eyes. Her brow furrowed, and she pushed the hair back out of her eyes with an impatient motion. “Please tell me you know that.”

I bit my lower lip and thought about how to respond. Apparently, my hesitation was answer enough because her forehead uncreased, and the corners of her lips pulled down slightly.

“I guess I can’t blame you. I mean, not after the way we ended things.”

You mean the way you ended things? I wanted to say. Thankfully, I managed to keep a lid on that little addendum. Instead, I tucked another stray lock of hair behind her ear and trailed my fingers down her neck to play at her collarbone.

“I’m surprised.” I made my voice as gentle as possible. I hadn’t planned to discuss this, but since she’d brought it up, we might as well talk about it. “Considering I haven’t heard a word from you since you left.”

“I didn’t know what to say,” she said.

“You could’ve said anything.”

“I couldn’t have said what you wanted to hear.”

“You didn’t know what I wanted to hear. And sometimes hearing the opposite of what you think you want to hear is enough. At least it gives you a place to start healing.”

“Yeah, no kidding.”

I frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Allison scowled, let out a huff, and rolled away from me, yanking the sheet up to cover her exposed breasts. I felt the loss of her warmth immediately.

“Nothing. I’m sorry. Let’s just drop it.” Allison averted her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest, drawing into herself.

I wanted to touch her, wanted to make her look at me, but wasn’t certain how she would react. Instead, I sat up against the headboard, drawing the sheet up to cover my own body. “Oh, I don’t think so. Not this time. If you have something to say, let’s hear it.”

She didn’t reply, and a dread crushed me.

She stared at the desk chair in the corner of the room with more interest than was really warranted. I could see the muscles in her throat working as she swallowed. “Do you remember the day we broke up?”

I winced, not expecting the question. “Yeah.”

Silence. Where was she going with this? The crushing weight had turned icy.

Allison took a deep breath and clenched and unclenched her fist in the sheet beside her leg. “Do you remember what you said to me that day?”

I frowned slightly. I’d said a lot of things to her that day and spent the past few years trying to forget them. Most I’d sputtered, heartbroken. Why would she want to remember any of that? I didn’t.

“You mean what I said about loving you for the rest of my life?” That was the only thing worth recollecting.

Allison nodded but still wouldn’t meet my eyes. “Yes.”

I waited for another question. She didn’t ask one. “What about it?”

“Did you mean that?”

I wasn’t sure how to answer. I’d meant it when I said it. I loved deeply and loved forever. But I was reluctant to admit that now. And since our future was uncertain, what would she think of my answer?

“I did,” I finally said.

She inhaled and hesitated, tensing. Her arms tightened around her middle. Was she wavering, possibly trying to decide whether to pursue that line of questioning? Not being able to see directly into her eyes, it was tough for me to tell. She took another deep breath. “Do you?”

I blinked. Was she asking me if I still loved her? It sounded like it. It also sounded almost like she was dreading the answer. My pulse raced, and I was so nervous I was physically ill. I definitely hadn’t seen this conversation coming.

In a perfect world, I’d declare my love for her, she’d return the sentiment, and we’d live happily ever after. But this wasn’t a perfect world. It was real life. I was having a hard time letting go of the past, and I wasn’t keen to open myself up to let her hurt me again. Now I clenched my fists in the bedsheet. I wasn’t ready for this. Why the hell had I come up here again?

“Where are you going with this?” I asked.

Allison finally looked at me, her eyes narrowed. She studied me, as though trying to determine whether I was being a smart-ass. Her dark look made me uneasy, and I licked my lips, my mouth suddenly bone-dry.

“Just trying to figure out what a declaration of love from you means, that’s all.”

“What?”

“Well, you fell in love with the girl you started seeing immediately after me pretty damn fast. Do you just say that to anyone or did it really mean something?”

I shook my head. “I didn’t even go on a date until almost a year after you left NYFO.” I felt like a total loser even admitting that much. I didn’t mention that she’d just watched the only real relationship I’d ever actually attempted dissolve. No need to play all my cards at once, right?

Allison looked angry now, and I winced initially, but then my stubborn pride kicked in. What the hell was she so angry about? She’d dumped me. Hard. And then she’d left New York. I hadn’t heard from her until a few days ago. How dare she question me about what I’d done or with whom and when?

“Don’t lie to me, Ryan. I deserve better.”

How had we ended up here? I didn’t even know what she was accusing me of.

“Allison, I’d never lie to you about something like this. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Allison’s shrewd, calculating stare went on so long I wondered if she was about to toss me out of her hotel room on my ass and in my birthday suit. I struggled to stay calm and remain focused. I would not allow myself to get carried away by becoming all emotional.

She finally spoke. “I heard you.” She turned away from me and rubbed tiredly at her forehead.

“You heard me what?”

She slammed her hand back onto the bed and clenched the sheet at her side in a rough fist again. “My last day in New York, before I left for D.C., I came by your office. I…I wanted to say good-bye.”

I nodded. The memory was bittersweet. “Okay.”

“You were on the phone with someone. Someone named Ashley. You told her you loved her. And you made sure to emphasize her name.”

Who was Ashley? Why was Allison so sure she’d heard me declare my love for her? “What the hell are you talking about? Why would you think I’d make sure to emphasize the name? That doesn’t even make any sense.”

Allison’s huff sounded irritated. “You’re telling me you didn’t know I was standing there? You didn’t say that on purpose just to hurt me? To ensure I knew you’d moved on?”

“You thought I was trying to hurt you? Nice. That’s great. Thank you.”

“It was the only explanation that made any sense.”

“Why would you even care? We’d been broken up for months. What difference could it have made to you?”

“Just because we’d broken up, do you think I was okay with you rubbing some woman named Ashley in my face?”

I stopped. I didn’t know anyone by that name. I’d never known anyone named Ashley. Allison must’ve heard wrong because—

The phone rang, and I looked to Allison as though she could tell me who was calling and why. She looked as surprised as I felt, and I glanced at the clock on the nightstand. A call at this time of night was never a good thing.

“Is that your phone or mine?” I asked.

“I don’t know.” She crawled out of bed and padded over to the desk. We’d just been arguing, so I shouldn’t have been distracted by the smorgasbord of delectable flesh on display, but I was.

Allison looked down at her phones and then turned back to me and shook her head. “Not mine.”

I groaned and rolled out of bed, then followed the ringing sound. Sure enough, it was coming from my purse, which was still on the floor near the door. I cursed and retrieved it, hoping it was a wrong number or someone had butt-dialed me. The name on the caller ID shattered those dreams.

I looked at Allison. “It’s my boss.”

Her forehead wrinkled. “Why’s he calling you now?”

“No clue.” I sighed heavily. I never wanted to talk to Mark on a good day, so I definitely wasn’t in the mood for his special brand of shenanigans now. I rubbed my temple as I thumbed the answer button and lifted the phone to my ear. “O’Connor.”

“Where are you?” Mark sounded almost angry, which didn’t improve my disposition.

I watched Allison as she slid back into bed and pulled the covers over herself. She propped herself up with several pillows and busied herself with her phone. She didn’t appear angry, but she didn’t look happy either. I didn’t blame her. I wouldn’t have been particularly pleased if she’d interrupted our fight to take a phone call.

“O’Connor?”

“Yes. Sorry. I’m here. What did you need?”

“I need to know where you are right now.”

“Why?”

“Are you at home?”

Alarm bells jangled loudly in the back of my head. He didn’t generally concern himself with my whereabouts when I was off duty, and I wasn’t willing to set that precedent. “What can I help you with, Mark?”

“I need to know how quickly you can get to NYFO. I know you live in the city.”

“Why? What happened?”

Allison glanced up from her phone then and gave me a questioning look. I shrugged and rolled my eyes.

“The two-to-ten guys locked someone up tonight, but obviously they won’t be able to get him before a judge for several more hours. I need someone to babysit him until the six-to-two guys come on so they can go home and get some sleep.”

Inwardly, I groaned. I closed my eyes and thumped my head lightly against the wall. This was most definitely not the best time for me to come to the aid of my country or my coworkers. For one thing, Allison and I apparently had some issues to resolve. For another, I was still a little tipsy.

“Are the midnight response guys available?” I wanted to know.

“Do you think I’d be calling you if they were?”

I did, actually. But now didn’t seem like the best time to point that out. My shoulders sagged, and my heart sank. “I’ll be there as soon as I can. Tell the guys to expect me within the hour.”

I didn’t bother to wait for a reply. I simply hung up and took a deep breath. Would Allison be relieved I was leaving or angry we wouldn’t get to finish our argument? With a bellyful of dread, I opened my eyes and met her frank stare.

“I’m sorry,” I said softly. “I have to go.”

Allison’s eyes narrowed, and she folded her arms across her chest, pursing her lips. “Okay.”

My intestines tried to climb up into my chest and suffocate my heart. I took a tentative step toward her, unsure how to proceed. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted, let alone how to get it. I stared at her as I attempted to divine my own desires as well as hers.

“I really am sorry,” I said.

Allison unfolded her arms and ran one hand through her hair. She still seemed annoyed but not necessarily at me. She shook her head and waved her other hand. “Don’t worry about it. If anyone understands, it’s me. Duty calls. What can you do?”

“Yeah.” That about summed it up.