Act Like You Know (10 page)
Authors: Stephanie Perry Moore
10
BROKEN
A
t that point, I wasn't a twenty-year-old woman anymore. Instead I was a pitiful little baby curled up in a fetal position. The only problem was I did not have a mom to cradle me and tell me it was going to be all better.
t that point, I wasn't a twenty-year-old woman anymore. Instead I was a pitiful little baby curled up in a fetal position. The only problem was I did not have a mom to cradle me and tell me it was going to be all better.
Giving credit where credit was due, I will say that Sharon and Malloy tried hard. Minutes went by, and I still kept crying. Hours went by, and the pain wouldn't go away. Before I knew it, it was dark, and they both were still there telling me it was going to be okay. If this would've been my apartment, I would've broken something. If I'd had one more chance to be with my mom, I would have told her, “You can't die, you got to stay alive for me.” No matter what I'd done, no matter what I didn't do right, my mom had still cared, and she'd told me I had a purpose. Without her presence, without her love, why should I have continued to have faith?
“I'm just coming in to check on you,” Malloy said.
I looked over at the clock and saw it was eleven. I couldn't say, “I'm okay.” I wasn't, but I didn't need her worried. She had acted better than any friend I'd ever have.
“I'm still here, too,” Sharon said, peering over Malloy's shoulder.
“Hey, y'all, don't sweat. I'm cool,” I lied confidently.
Sharon looked in my eyes. “You are a much better actress than I thought. We're going to get through all this together.”
“No, no, I'm not acting. I'm serious. I'm okay,” I said, widening my eyes so they could see no tears.
“You're not okay. You need us to get something or someone? You want the rest of the sorors? Whatever you need, you tell us, and we're ready to do it,” Sharon said, being overly sweet.
“You know what, Malloy, can I just borrow your keys for a while? I just want to go for a drive by myself,” I said as Sharon looked at her like, “Uh, that's not a good idea.”
Malloy looked back at me. “I can take you wherever you want to go.”
“But that's just the point. I sort of want to be alone.”
“It's late.”
“I just need time to think. Please? I won't be gone long.” I could tell the two of them were hesitant. I had no idea where I was going to go. I just knew I needed to get out of this stuffy place and scream. I got up before Malloy had even said yes and put on some tennis shoes. I grabbed my Beta Gamma Pi jacket and was out.
Malloy said, “Yeah, I'm sorry, Alyx, I just don't think this is a good idea. Let us watch over you. Stay here tonight. Take the car tomorrow.”
“Listen, I don't want to seem ungrateful, but you just asked if there was anything you could do for meâname it and you'd do it. All I want to do is take the car for a little drive, clear my head, and come back. What is the big deal? There's no need to act like my mom, okay? My mom is gone.”
“Okay, okay, I got it. Here, here are the keys. Be careful,” Malloy said.
I couldn't even say thank you, I was so upset. I grabbed them, got into her brand-new convertible Ford Mustang, looked in my pocket, saw that I had a twenty-dollar bill, and headed straight to the liquor store. I found my fake ID and bought a bottle.
I went to the empty parking lot at the school theater, opened up the bottle, and chugged it in the car. It was nasty, but as the warm drink hit my uneasy spirit, all of a sudden I felt calm, numb, and anything but sober. For that, I was grateful.
I had to be the biggest idiot in the world, sitting in the crowded parking lot with tons of campus police all around while the liquor bottle was in sight. But I guess consequences didn't really matter to me at that moment. My mom was gone forever, and I felt all alone.
Then I saw Cody coming out of the theater. A girl wearing a Beta Gamma Pi jacket was with him, and though I didn't have all my faculties, I could tell it had to be Penelope. She was all up on him. If memory served me correctly, he had told me in the theater foyer that he was done with Miss Penelope.
“Dang, why don't y'all just get with each other right in the middle of the street?” I yelled out, but they couldn't hear me because my windows were up, thankfully.
I drank more and more and became a basket case, watching them. I tried hard to focus on something other than Cody and Penelope, but I was all entranced, watching them carry on back and forth with each other as if they were in a soap opera.
“Can't you see the boy doesn't want to be bothered with you?” I yelled out again as I saw Cody walk away from Penelope.
Penelope went galloping behind him. Then, like she was some stray dog, he tried shooing her away. The problem was she wasn't a stray. They'd had a relationship, and I could see they were on their way to reconciling.
When some of the other Betas came out of the theater and took Penelope inside, Cody got in his car to leave. This was my moment, so I cranked up Malloy's engine.
He later pulled into his apartment complex, and before he walked inside, I raced out of Malloy's car and snuck up behind him.
“Hey,” I said, my breath reeking.
“Hey,” he said in a startled tone as he stepped up close to his apartment door.
“It's me, Cody. Can you let me in? I just want to talk to you. I just want to be with you, you know? Hey. I saw you with Penelope. Y'all are through. Obviously you didn't want to be with her because you want to be with me. Well, I'm ready,” I said, falling into his arms.
He caught me. “What are you doing?”
“I just want us to have a little fun,” I said as I went straight to rubbing his waist.
“Okay, what's going on? Alyx, this isn't like you.”
“Why do you care?” I huffed, giving him a big whiff.
“Okay, you need to come in right now because obviously you've been drinking.”
“So whatâI've been drinking. So whatâI've been having a little fun. I feel good, and I'm trying to make you feel that way, okay?” I said as I wobbled into his place.
It was a cozy one-bedroom loft. Not new, not completely neat, but not a total mess either. I looked around and scouted out his bedroom.
“Okay, so I'm going to go in here and get undressed,” I said as I lifted my shirt.
“Wait, no, no, no, no, no. You just sit here while I make you some coffee.”
“What? You don't want to get with this?” I said, pointing to myself.
“What I want you to do is tell me what's wrong. I'm going to jump in the shower real quick because I'm sweaty from the theater party, and then we can talk, okay?”
I leaped into his arms and placed my lips on his.
“What are you doing?” he said as he shoved me back. “Let's talk, okay?”
“Fine, go take your little shower then,” I uttered in a ticked-off tone.
“It'll be just one second. I'm going to brew this coffee as soon as I get out. You drink my strong brew, and we can talk.”
I looked away, and as soon as he went into the bathroom, I grabbed Malloy's keys and was gone. Though he had not kicked me out, it felt like he had kicked me in the gut. I couldn't take any more letdowns, and my buzz was wearing off. So as soon as I got in the ride, I drank whatever was left of the liquor, hoping once again it would make me feel better.
I couldn't get out of the parking lot fast enough when I saw Cody standing at his door in a towel, drenched, trying to tell me to stop. What was the big deal? I knew how to drink and drive, though I didn't have a car of my own. I wasn't that out of itâjust needed a little something to take the edge off all the pain I was feeling.
Thinking about my mom and knowing I would never see her again was just more than I could take. And when the bottle fell out of my lap, like an idiot, I reached down, forgetting I was on the highway, and zigzagged, running another car off the road.
My heart raced, I was scared so bad seeing the bright lights coming toward me. Though I felt as though I didn't want to live, the last thing I wanted to do was take someone else's life. What was I doing? What was I thinking? Why was my life such a mess? Quickly I got out of my car and ran over to the car I had made swerve. I clutched my heart when I saw a lady with a baby in the backseat. I just fell to the ground.
“Oh, God, what did I do? Oh, no, God, help!” I cried after seeing the airbag, fully engaged, and the baby crying at the top of its lungs.
Frantically I tried to open the door, but it was locked. I just kept trying, praying it would open. Nothing was right.
“Say something! Say something!” I banged on the window. The lady's eyes opened, and I was relieved. She unlocked the door, and I opened it.
“My baby,” she said in a weak voice.
“The baby's crying. The baby's okay,” I said.
“Oh, my God, you were drinking. You could have killed me and my baby. Oh, my gosh,” the lady accused when she smelled my breath.
I couldn't stop her tears, and I couldn't stop them from my eyes either. It was an absolute mess, and then red and blue lights started flashingâtwo sets of them. And before I knew it, I was breathing into a bag and trying to walk a straight line.
“Take me to jail. I don't deserve to live. I could have killed a baby,” I said, obviously really out of it as the stars were spinning around me. “Why didn't you want me?” I said to the police officer. He looked like Cody.
“Ma'am, I don't know who you think I am, but I'm an officer of the law, and I'm placing you under arrest for driving under the influence.”
I shook my head and then clearly saw that the white gentleman was not Cody at all. The lady I had almost hit was screaming. She was very angry.
When the officer stepped away to talk to the ambulance driver, I went over to her and said, “You know, my mom died tonight, and I am so sorry for this. I hate myself for endangering you.”
As I started crying I noticed Cody's car was pulling up. He came running out straight toward me. How could I face him after all I'd done?
“What's going on, Alyx? You all right?”
“Sir, you have to step back. I'm taking her in for a DUI. She almost hit a woman with a baby in the car this evening. If she doesn't have an attorney, I suggest you get one for her or get her bail.”
“I'm sorry,” Cody said to me. “I called your roommate to see if you went home. She told me everything about your mom.”
I just looked up at the sky with tears streaming down my face. It wasn't Cody's fault. He'd tried to give me coffee to settle me down. It wasn't the officers' fault. They were just doing their jobs. They had no choice but to take me in for breaking the law. It wasn't Malloy's fault. She'd just been trying to appease me and allow me to get some air. It was my fault, and mine alone. I was so confused and hurt. As I got into the police car, with no mom and no freedom, I'd never been more broken.
11
GESTURE
“Y
ou go to Western Smith, girl? What you do to get locked up in jail?” asked some lady I was sharing a jail cell with.
ou go to Western Smith, girl? What you do to get locked up in jail?” asked some lady I was sharing a jail cell with.
The lady looked like a streetwalker, and she kept staring boldly at me. I just wanted to be left alone. The reality of being in jail for a DUI and nearly causing a accident that could have killed people was weighing heavily on my heart.
“Okay, I'm just trying to talk to you, I'm just trying to be nice. We gotta be in this cell together, so the least you could do is give me some respect. Just 'cause I ain't no college girl don't mean you any better than me. You better act like you know we in the same boat right now, Ms. Goody Two-Shoes.”
I wanted to ask her how she knew I went to Western Smith, but then I realized my BGP jacket had the school's patch on it. I wasn't looking down on her. I just wanted space.
“I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be rude or anything like that. I just need to think, okay?” I replied.
“Well, you gonna have a lot of time to think. It's late, and you probably ain't going nowhere tonight. You're gonna be here till morning, girl.”
Finally the lady walked away and sat on the bunk across from me. I was happy she could tell I was distraught and needed time to myself. However, five minutes of silence was all she gave me. She started in with more questions.
“For real, I'm curiousâwhat did you do? A good-looking college girl like yourself with all your hopes and dreams right in front of you, you don't have to sell yourself on the streets like me. I hope you weren't trying to do that, especially not wearing those baggy jeans and that big-old oversize jacket.” She flared her nose and then modeled around our cell. “You gotta show some skin, you know what I'm saying?”
I couldn't help but laugh watching her walk around our small space. Then I realized she was trying to make me laugh. It had worked.
“I had way too much to drink, and I was behind the wheel,” I opened up and said.
“Ooooo, you know that's a big charge?”
Feeling a headache coming on, I said, “Yeah, now I do.” I put my hand over my head and leaned against the bed rails. Had my horrible actions gotten me some type of permanent record? Would I be able to get out of here?
“Listen, people make mistakes all the time,” she said when she saw I was feeling bad. “You'll get out of here. It's your first time. You make up some kind of good excuse with the judge, and they might suspend your license, but they might not even put it on your record if you go to class. You'll be okay.” She had a comforting voice. “But when you get another chance, when you get back out there and go to them classes and stuff, think about Ms. Sally here. I need you to do good for folks like me who have thrown so much away.”
I had wanted to be left alone. However, God had sent her to help me know that all was not lost. I still had an opportunity to make things right.
I moved closer to her and listened as she continued. “Here I sit, having dropped out of school in the eleventh grade. Never got my GED. Because all the guys told me I was fine, and I saw my mama making a living selling her body, I thought that was the best way to go. Little did I know going to college and getting a better education would be the only thing that would get me a real chance in this world. Girl, you have that chance. Do something with it other than drink yourself into jail.”
All of a sudden, through the pain of a pounding head, it was so clear to me. Everything Ms. Sally was saying made such sense. Just her taking the time to be real with me and honestly telling me she wished she could be in my shoes allowed me to get a message from the Lord.
“Thanks, Ms. Sally, you just don't know how much I needed to hear that.”
“Well, don't just hear it, girl, make sure you heed to it,” she said as we heard footsteps coming down the hall. “Betcha they coming to get you right now.”
When I looked up, there was a guard standing before us. “Young lady, a bailsman has posted the funds needed for your dismissal.”
Though I didn't know Ms. Sally, and we came from completely different worlds, she had taken the time to share a word of encouragement with me at my lowest point. I had to hug her. And in that embrace, I felt my mom saying, “Make sure you get it. You need to do better for this lady, for me, and for all those out there who have a dream that wasn't pursued because we didn't take our education seriously.”
“You be good now,” she said, letting me go.
“Yes, ma'am, I will.”
When I went back to the booking room, I was greeted by an older man who looked just like her, Malloy, and Cody. My eyes became heavy with water again. I didn't deserve such support, and I was humbled by it.
The older gentleman carrying a briefcase said, “Hello, Alyx. I'm Malloy's father. My daughter cares a lot about you and told me your story. I identify with what you're going through, so I came to help by posting your bond. You do have a hearing next month, but due to the extenuating circumstances of your mother's untimely death, you are going to be released now on your own recognizance. Even though you are not supposed to be going out of the state of Arkansas, your tutor, Mr. Cody, has permission to drive you down to Texas to take care of your mother's affairs. He will assure you get there safely.”
I couldn't even look at Malloy, knowing that she had trusted me with her car and here I was in jail having driven under the influence. Her car was brand-new. I had truly let her down. It was so moving, though, when I didn't have to say anythingâshe just came over and grabbed my hand with the largest smile on her face.
“It's all good,” she said. “I had to get my dad to help. We need each other and I thank you for being there for me this year. Honestly, after my stalker incident last year I would have been scared living alone.”
Fighting back still more tears, I walked out hand in hand with my true friend.
Then it dawned on me again that Cody was nearby. I didn't know what to say to him either. For him to take the time to come and then go out of his way during the holidays to drive me more than eight hours to El Paso was overwhelming.
When we got outside of the precinct, Mr. Murray said, “I do see young people really turning their lives around. You're at a crossroads right now. You can beat the odds. Though you're down, you don't have to stay that way. I challenge you. Excel for your mom. Excel for the people who care about you. Most of all, excel because you can.”
“Yes, I will,” I said, extremely thankful that I'd been to the bottom and had come out of it all right.
“I lost my father when I was ten,” he said to me. “Growing up without a dad definitely wasn't easy. I had a lot of people say I wouldn't become anything because of it. But I kept his legacy in my heart, and that propelled me to strive for my best every day. Now, Miss Cruz, you can do the same thing. With today's opportunities you can achieve more than I have.”
“Thank you again. I won't let the school down again.”
“Good,” Mr. Murray said before he left the precinct.
“Cody, I don't have to go my mom's service. It's probably really not gonna be a service anyway,” I said as we approached his car.
“It's okay, I'll take you,” he said. “You need to say good-bye. I'll be there for whatever you need.”
“I don't have any clothes or anything,” I said, just wanting to get in bed and stay there.
Malloy pointed into his backseat and said, “Yeah, you do. I packed a couple of your things and even bought you a few new ones. Your suitcase is already in the car.”
“You didn't have to do that, you've already helped me so much. I let you downâI mean, I almost wrecked your car.”
“But I prayed for you, and you didn't wreck anything. God kept you safe. Last year some of my friends helped me go to Kade's football NFL tryout. Now it's my time to return the favor and help someone else.”
Malloy and I hugged. She told me the cops had released her car back to her. I knew her prayers would give me strength to face saying good-bye to my mom.
Moments later, I was on the road with Cody to Texas. I didn't want to be rude and go to sleep on him. He was doing me a favor, and I needed his help. There wasn't much discussion between the two of us. He wasn't putting any pressure on me. And I appreciated him in so many ways.
Finally I said, “Your pretty amazing, dude.”
“Who, me?” he teased. “Don't let me fool ya.”
“I don't remember a lot about last night, but I do remember I followed you to your place, pretty much stalking you. I was drunk, and I wanted to throw myself on you. You could have had your way with me. But you didn't.”
“I wish you would've told me about your mom. Then maybe I could have understood why you were so broken and devastated. I knew it wasn't like you to be in such a state, but it just threw me off guard,” he said, keeping his eyes on the road. “I care about you, Alyx. I think about you sometimes. Actually, I think about you a lot.”
His affection for me felt real. He'd been a rock, even when I'd tried to give him a hard time. He'd still stuck around.
“Well, like Mr. Murray said, I've seen a lot of people change their lives,” he continued. “You say I'm a good guyâwell, I haven't always been that way. In high school I was a gangbanger in training. I was real close to my thug brother, and I was following right in his footsteps. That is, till I saw him get shot right in front of me.”
Clutching my seatbelt, I said, “Oh, no, I'm sorry.”
“Naw, I'm straight. That was about eight years ago. Instead of dropping out, I stayed in school. From that day on, I knew I had to carry on for him, and I know your mom would want you to do the same. I don't know a lot of things about what's next after this life, but I believe there is a heaven, and I believe those we love are there. If I can do anything to help make somebody else's life easierâlike a lot of the people did who came to help me get my life on trackâthat's what I wanna do. We gotta quit taking from this world. We gotta act like we care about somebody other than just ourselves.”
I reached over and hugged him. He swerved a little bit but quickly composed himself, looked over at me, and smiled. We were connecting, and that felt real good.
Two weeks had passed. I'd said good-bye to my mother and spread her ashes over the sea between the waters of Mexico and the U.S. She'd wanted to be a part of the peace between her birthland and America. Out there on the sea, I felt God telling me to make Him my parent now. Sending my mom His way made me want to know Him more.
It was hard packing up her apartment. Thankfully, with Cody and Pedro's help, I got it done. God also gave me the strength to take care of her personal affairs.
It was a new semester and a new start. I was ready to give my work my all. I was going to try to do more than just what the homework assignment or the lesson plan told me to do. I was prepared to go further, ask more questions, dig deeper, and study harder so I could really thrive.
In two weeks, I'd done a lot of praying and soul searching. I'd learned my script lines, gained a new perspective on life, and had an understanding with God. Though I had wanted Him to lay out my life a little differently, I knew He loved me and wouldn't leave me. All I had to do was truly give each day back to Him, and I'd be fine.
Today my chapter had a meeting in our room on campus. All the love I had received from the sorors had been heartfelt. It was good to know that when you really needed your sisters, they were there.
Hayden got everyone's attention. “Listen, we gotta figure out a way to be there for each other. I know a lot of us are bummed out that we can't have a line this year, but just because we can't make new sorors does not mean we can't strengthen the bond we have with the sorors who are already in the chapter. We know some of you are struggling to keep up those grades. Some of you got serious financial problems, and some are even dealing with the loss of a loved one.”
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