Acquired Tastes (41 page)

Mrs Proudfoot flushed angrily and lapsed into a festering silence.

Hugo spoke into his microphone: 'Places everyone and good luck.'

Rosie held up her stopwatch and began the countdown.

'Good evening and welcome to
Forbidden Fruit
, the show that will be taking you, the audience, into hitherto forbidden territory,' Gabriella announced smilingly into the camera. 'The territory that all our minds inhabit when we allow them to wander off into the realms of sexual fantasy.'

The camera pulled back into long shot to reveal her sitting on the couch beside Fergus, who looked suitably solemn.

Vanessa stared hard at the monitor. Fergus looked surprisingly good on screen. The camera seemed to like his dark, demonic features. Even his barely concealed bruise looked part of his character.

'I'm Gabriella Wolfe, and together with psychologist Dr Fergus Archibald, I will be guiding you through the uncharted territory of your minds. What you might call - the final frontier.'

The audience clapped wildly, urged on by the floor manager.

'They both look terrific, don't they?' Philip whispered to Vanessa. I think we're on our way.' The knuckles of Philip's hands were white where he was gripping the arms of his chair.

Gabriella turned to Fergus, languidly crossing her legs. 'You're an expert on these matters, Dr Archibald. Tell me, are sexual fantasies important or are they just a harmless way of passing the time as we wash the dishes, work on the assembly line or ride on top of a bus?'

Vanessa held her breath. This bit was unscripted. Fergus could ruin the whole show if he got it wrong. He had adamantly refused to use the autocue after stumbling over it in rehearsal.

He bestowed an authoritative smile at the camera.

'Well Gabriella, I think it's about time we took our fantasies more seriously. My exhaustive research has shown that our fantasies reveal more about our true desires than we would like to admit.'

'You mean, if we fantasise about, say, wanting to run naked through the supermarket and make love on the check-out counter while other shoppers look on, this really does say something about our sexual preferences, rather than we've just discovered Sainsbury's are doing a special offer on our favourite chocolate biscuits?'

The audience laughed loudly.

'Absolutely,' said Fergus. 'The animal world struts its stuff openly for all to see. Look at the sexual displays of even the most common garden bird. They understand exhibitionism is an essential part of sexual interaction, but human beings consider it taboo and suppress it, yet we have a deep need to flaunt ourselves in public. That's why so many fantasies have the common element of exhibitionism in them. We are, after all, only animals ourselves. However high tech our society becomes, we still have the same basic needs as other animals, like food and f…' Fergus winked theatrically at the camera, '… er, sex.'

There was a chuckle from the audience.

Philip leaned across to Vanessa. 'See how right I was about Dr Archibald? He's a natural.'

Gabriella stood up and walked to centre stage. 'For the time being at least, thank you very much, Dr Archibald.'

The audience dutifully applauded, urged on by the floor manager.

'Please hurry, Mr Beasley, you're on first,' Vijay urged through the dressing room door. 'And please keep your underpants on until we get to the studio.'

'All I was told I had to do was powder a few noses,' grumbled the make-up girl, who was waiting with Vijay in the corridor. 'I've just seen to one of your guests who wanted me to help him put body make-up all over and I do mean
all
over.' She rolled her eyes. 'I'm going to ask for danger money next time.'

Vijay looked at his watch and then raised his hand to knock again, but the door opened to reveal a small skinny man in his late forties, wearing an oversized pair of bright yellow boxer shorts patterned with red hearts.

The make-up girl suppressed a giggle.

'From an admirer,' Beasley announced with injured pride. 'I promised to wear them for luck.'

The make-up girl produced her powder puff. 'I need to eliminate shine on all parts of your body which are going to be exposed, Mr Beasley.'

Beasley clapped his hands together delightedly. 'With that? Oh, bliss!'

'Perhaps you should just stick to his nose or something,' Vijay said hurriedly, 'he's due in the studio any minute now.'

Beasley looked crestfallen. He put his hand up to his head.

'Could you at least do something about my bald patch? I'd hate anyone to notice it.'

The make-up girl rolled her eyes at Vijay again and then followed Beasley back into the dressing-room. Vijay waited outside. He had managed to slip down into VT just after the rehearsal was over. Luckily, the VT engineers were taking a tea break and complaining about the way Hugo kept changing his instructions, so no-one had noticed him. He had managed to switch the tapes, but there was still a chance that someone might notice. It was too late to do anything about it now. He stuck his head round the dressing room door.

'Mr Beasley, you're on next.'

'And now for our first guest who, as Dr Archibald so aptly pointed out, wants to make an exhibition of himself,' Gabriella announced. 'Leonard Beasley is a postman from Petts Wood in Kent, and his fantasy … well, I think I'll let you see for yourselves. All I will say is that it's the perfect way to begin this very first edition of
Forbidden Fruit.'

The cameras mixed through to a giant banana standing upright against a tropical green background. Four girls clad only in tiny bikinis shaped like banana leaves stood posed around it. The audience tittered with anticipation as the stage began to revolve, and the girls each slowly peeled a portion of the banana skin to reveal a beatifically smiling Leonard Beasley. His hands were in front of him, but from the way they were moving, it was not to protect his modesty.

Philip stared in horror at the monitor, beads of sweat breaking out on his forehead. He leaned forward. 'Can't you do something?' he whispered desperately to Hugo.

'Any suggestions?' Hugo retorted.

Philip sat back and mopped his face. Perhaps no one else had noticed. But as one of the cameras panned round for audience reactions, it was clear they had. He looked at the committee members. They at least seemed oblivious. Philip crossed his fingers. It would soon be over, as long as none of the cameras went into close-up.

But as the music swelled to a tumescent climax, Mrs Proudfoot suddenly sat bolt upright and pointed at one of the monitors.

'Sir Norman, that man is … is …' she spluttered.

Hugo held up his hand to silence her. 'Get ready everyone,' he said into the microphone, 'I want no cock-ups with this one. Wait for it… wait for it…'

The stage revolved to bring Beasley back full frontal to the audience.

'Now!' barked Hugo, and the lights dimmed except for one illuminating Beasley's face and chest, which were now streaked with sweat, his face contorted. He uttered a strange guttural sound, and then the spotlight went off.

'Hold it… hold it… and … camera one!' ordered Hugo.

The cameras switched back to a smiling Gabriella.

'Why a banana, Dr Archibald?'

'The banana is perhaps the most priapic of fruits,' replied Fergus. 'Its shape is unashamedly phallic and, when its part of a bunch, it resembles a hand, all the better to touch and feel with.'

The audience tittered.

'And it reveals its nakedness so easily. It has no inhibitions. Unlike other fruits, which cling to their skins like born-again virgins, a banana is made for peeling.'

The audience laughed appreciatively.

An assistant floor manager rushed over to Vijay who was waiting off-stage. She grabbed him by the arm.

'You've got to get that man off the studio floor, he's just sitting there staring into space,' she hissed.

'But that's your job,' Vijay protested. He had been craning his neck trying to see where Alicia and Jeremy were sitting in the audience, but he couldn't see either of them.

'Not likely,' the floor manager said pulling him across the studio floor. 'Keep the applause going,' she muttered into her talkback, 'the floor isn't clear yet.'

Vijay looked down at Beasley who was sitting in the centre of the banana skin in a dreamlike trance, smiling happily to himself. Vijay tapped him on the shoulder.

'That was wonderful,' sighed Beasley then he looked up: 'How was it for you?'

As Vijay hurried the beaming postman away, Gabriella was introducing the next part of the show.

'And now for a short film about a woman who is sent into a frenzy of desire by this.' She held up a can of whipped cream and pressed the button.

As rehearsed, the camera went into close-up on the can, but instead of spurting cream, a drop of watery liquid trickled out.

The audience laughed.

'Will someone get that bloody cream sorted out,' Hugo yelled into the microphone, 'and tell Gabriella we'll take that introduction again from the top.'

An assistant floor manager appeared with half a dozen cans of cream, which Gabriella and Fergus proceeded to shake and press.

Seizing the opportunity, Mrs Proudfoot stood up and placed her hands on her formidable hips.

'I think we've seen enough. This is monstrous. It must stop at once.'

Sir Norman nodded vigorously. 'I heartily concur. I could not countenance this ever being broadcast.'

Basil Grimshaw delicately cleared his throat, 'Without wishing to sow further dissension in the ranks, I think we should consider seeing the whole programme. I feel it is the only way we can make an informed judgement. Presumably it will be edited at a later stage, allowing for any unfortunate errors to be excised?'

They all looked at Philip, but he seemed to be gazing at something very far away, an unhealthy sheen on his face.

'Is he quite all right?' enquired Mrs Proudfoot.

'Of course he is,' Vanessa snapped, wishing Philip didn't look quite so vacant. 'If you want to leave, you had better go now, or else you must stay for the rest of the recording.'

Mrs Proudfoot looked uncertainly at Sir Norman, but he showed no signs of moving so she sat down again, placing her handbag firmly on her knees.

'Are we ready to go?' Hugo demanded impatiently into his microphone.

On one of the monitors, the floor manager gave the thumbs up sign and then addressed the audience.

'Thank you for your patience, ladies and gentlemen. Now if you look up at the monitors above your heads, you will be able to see the short film which Miss Wolfe is going to introduce.'

The audience craned their necks upwards as Gabriella began the introduction. This time the cream spurted and oozed to Hugo's satisfaction.

'Run insert A,' Rosie instructed, and looking at her stop watch counted: 'Five, four, three, two, run VT…'

Gabriella and Fergus settled back on their couch to watch.

In the back row of the audience, Alicia gripped Jeremy's arm tightly and closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them, two out-of-focus figures could be seen on the screen. They both appeared to be female, even if the portly one with her back to the camera and dressed in a tight red corset, was remarkably hirsute and bow-legged for a woman. The second, much slimmer woman, who was completely naked and all fours, was being led around on a leash like a dog.

Up in the gallery, Vanessa had leapt to her feet and was standing beside Hugo. 'What on earth's going on?' she demanded. 'The quality of this film is terrible, I thought it was meant to be about…' her voice trailed away as she watched the screen.

The women were now facing the camera and one was bearded. The second one was wearing a mask, but looked ominously familiar.

'One of those women looks just like Dr Archibald,' Philip said in a strange, singsong voice. He looked over at Vanessa and then back at the screen, screwing up his face as though he was trying to concentrate. 'And isn't that…?' He pointed to the screen. The masked figure was now doing a fair imitation of a dog begging.

Vanessa's eyes bulged as she stared transfixed at the screen with her mouth open.

'It's her.' Mrs Proudfoot leapt to her feet and pointed at Vanessa. 'And that drunk.' She grabbed Vanessa's arm, screeching hysterically:
'Filth, obscenity, Sodom and Gomorrah
…'

Vanessa tried to shake her off but Mrs Proudfoot clung to her, shrieking loudly. Vanessa struck her hard across the mouth.

Mrs Proudfoot staggered back in amazement, and then collapsed on to Sir Norman before sliding slowly to the floor.

Down in the studio, pandemonium had broken out. All the journalists were on their feet, yelling questions at Fergus.

He was staring at the screen in astonishment. Then a smile began to spread across his face and he threw back his head and began to roar with laughter.

'Stop it. For God's sake, somebody stop it!' Vanessa yelled, recovering her voice. But nobody moved.

She lunged at the controls, punching switches and buttons. For a few seconds a naked image of her was frozen on the screen, and then everything went black.

At the back of the audience, Alicia smiled serenely and put down the bar of chocolate she had been eating. The taste in her mouth was even sweeter.

Alicia and Jeremy were sitting up in bed munching cinnamon and raisin Danish pastries, avidly engrossed in the Sunday newspapers. Suddenly, Alicia squealed loudly, her mouth full of warm pastry. She gestured at the front page of the
World on Sunday.

The headline read: TV FANTASY SERIES IS REAL SEX SCORCHER

“A horrified audience watched last Sunday as glamorous 36-year-old brunette divorcee, TV producer Vanessa Swift, and sex doctor Fergus Archibald indulged in torrid full-frontal, sado-masochistic sex games when a home video got muddled up with tapes destined to be part of TV's first sex fantasy show,
Forbidden Fruit.

“The show's executive producer, Philip Pryce, was rushed to hospital with a suspected heart attack, while members of the TV watchdog committee who had come along to monitor proceedings had to be treated for shock.