Aced (Blocked #2) (17 page)

“W
ELCOME
, M
ADISON
.” Dr. Valentine’s eyes gleamed as she smiled at me. “I’m glad I had an opening today. I’d like to review a few things with you before we get started.”

I braced myself against her sofa cushions. Why had I agreed to be shrinkified? Maybe fatigue had lowered my defenses. Or maybe it was Alejandro’s gentle nudge last night about pursuing counseling. Lucia and Dane had said good things about the sport psychologist, but Braxton would tell me not to trust anyone trying to get inside my head.

“I’ll just highlight some info on this consent you signed.” She held up the document. “What we discuss in here is private and won’t go beyond this office unless you give me written permission to speak to others. There are some rare exceptions…”

My gaze wandered around her office as she continued. Translucent white flowers shot up from a deep-green houseplant tucked in the corner, reminding me of the same plant in Nana’s house. Nana had said the Gerber daisy was quite resilient—even she couldn’t kill it. I, on the other hand, was not feeling so resilient.

“Is there anyone you
want
me to talk to?” Dr. Valentine asked.

“Um…”

“You said Tina referred you. Is it okay if I let her know you met with me?”

“Yes.” Hopefully that would get her off my back. I signed the release form.

“Would you like me to speak to any of your coaches?”

My headshake was immediate. I’d mustered the courage to stop by Coach Holter’s office this morning after macrobiology class, and the memory of that encounter caused squeezing in my lungs. Though he’d allowed me to return to practice, starting later this afternoon, I’d never seen him so disappointed in me. My eyes burned.

Dr. Valentine smiled gently. “When I saw a therapist, I cried the whole time.”

I’d been here less than two minutes, and I was already sniveling.

“Crying’s really normal in here. I have tissues on either end of the sofa for that reason.”

Her assurance eased the tight ball in my chest, and I leaned to my left to pluck a few from the box.

She typed on a small laptop. “What brings you in today, Madison?”

I sniffed as I wiped tears off my cheeks. “My friends call me Maddie.”

“Gotcha. Have you been crying more than normal?”

“Definitely.” I sighed. “Tina says I need to get my smile back.”

“I see.” She typed some more. “You’ve been feeling down and blue?”

I nodded.

“When did the crying and blue mood start?”

My hand skimmed my cheeks as I considered her question. My skin was smooth, in contrast to the roughness of Alex’s stubbles. His square jaw had felt so solid beneath my touch this morning. Not much felt solid these days. “About a month ago, I guess.”

“Around the start of spring semester, then. What was going on in your life at that time?”

I glanced at the bookshelf and noticed a framed photo of an obese cat. The gray beast glared at me, and I wondered what color the Ramirez cat was. “It’s rather cliché, I’m afraid.” I turned back to her. “My boyfriend broke up with me.”

“Oh, dear.” She typed away. “So, on a scale of one to Adele, how bad was this breakup?”

I laughed as I sank back into the sofa.

“I can see why Tina wants you to get your smile back. It’s beautiful.”

I felt myself blush. Dad always said the same thing. “I guess the breakup was pretty damn close to Adele.”

“‘Rolling in the Deep’ or ‘Turning Tables’?”

I shrugged. “I’m more partial to Rihanna’s ‘Take a Bow.’”

“Oh.” She nodded. “So the bastard cheated on you?”

I nodded, impressed in spite of myself. “He claims he didn’t get with her till we were done.”

“But you don’t believe him?”

I exhaled. “I don’t know. It’s…messy. The other woman’s my teammate.”

“No shit. That’s horrible.” She shook her head. After a beat, she asked, “Is your ex a student-athlete as well?”

“Only the most successful wrestler in school history.”

“Yikes.” She sighed. “You must hear about him all the time. Painful reminders of your relationship.”

“You have no idea. He keeps showing up, too.”

Her eyes narrowed. “Is he stalking you?”

“No!” My back straightened. “I…I don’t think so. I just don’t get it. He’s the one who broke up with me, yet he won’t let sleeping dogs lie.”

She observed me for a few moments. “How long were you dating?”

“Three years.”

“Wow. Must be tough for both of you to move on after sharing so much together. Did he say why he broke up?”

I looked down. “He said…” My throat constricted, making my voice tremble. “He said I didn’t let him in. He told me I didn’t love him.”

“That sounds quite painful to hear.”

I nodded.

She leaned forward. “
Did
you love him?”

“Of course! We were perfect together. I did everything for him.” A sob pulsed up my throat, pressing for release. “But I wasn’t good enough. I screwed it up somehow—I made him leave.” A tear leaked out.

Dr. Valentine opened a file cabinet to extract a piece of paper. I accepted the handout and read the heading:
Irrational Beliefs After Breakups
. I looked up at her. “You think my beliefs are irrational?”

“Read them and see. People who hold these beliefs suffer more after breakups, and it sounds like you’ve been suffering a lot.”

I glanced at the paper. “Number one: The breakup is all my fault.”
Whoops
. I’d just said that. “But how is that belief irrational? It’s certainly not Jaylon’s fault. He told me he left because I was closed off to him.”

“I’m not saying the breakup is entirely his fault, either,” she said. “But you both had a part in this. Relationships take two. You probably made some mistakes, and he made some mistakes.”

“Like hooking up with that skank, Nina,” I grumbled. I covered my mouth with my hand. “Sorry for using her name.”

She seemed unfazed. “Like I said, our discussion in here is private. Keep reading.”

I looked back down at the page. “Number two: I’m not good enough.” The words stabbed my heart. That wasn’t irrational thinking. That was fact. Jaylon had discarded me because I wasn’t good enough, and Alejandro would soon discover that truth as well. To my horror, shameful tears spilled down my cheeks. The paper shook in my hand, and I reached for more tissues to hide the tremor.
She must think I’m a nutcase.

Dr. Valentine gave me a moment, and I wondered if I’d deplete her entire supply of tissues.

“Do you believe that, Maddie? That you’re not good enough?” she asked.

I stilled. Could I admit that to her? I barely knew her. But when I detected warmth in her eyes, I nodded.

“That’s odd coming from one of the most successful student-athletes at Highbanks. Won’t you be up for the conference medal of honor this spring?”

I shrugged as I sniffed. Awards like that didn’t matter if I couldn’t even hold on to the people I loved.

“Where does the inadequacy come from, do you think?”

My head lowered. “I’m not sure. It’s just what I’ve always felt.”

“Perhaps we can explore that some more.
I
believe you’re good enough.” She waited until I met her eyes. “You. Are. Enough. And we’ll work together to get you to believe that, too. Now.” She pointed at the paper. “Keep reading.”

I took a shaky breath. “Number three: I’ll never find someone else. Well, damn, I’ve had that thought, too.” But I hadn’t felt quite as hopeless since meeting Alejandro. Could he be my someone else?

“How could you challenge that belief when it comes up?” She gazed at me.

“Uh.” My heart thumped. “I definitely
will
find someone else?”

She dipped her head to one side. “Well, there’s no evidence for that either.” She chuckled when I scowled. “No guarantees in life, my friend. But to believe you’ll never find romance is wrong. You still have a chance of finding love even after one hundred men break up with you.”

I gasped. “That would be awful!”

“You could handle it, though; especially if you don’t accept these irrational beliefs as truth. They’re just thoughts.”

I closed my eyes as I let out a breath. This conversation exhausted me.

“How have you been sleeping, Maddie?”

My eyes opened. “It’s been rough.”

“Trouble falling asleep? Trouble staying asleep?”

“Yes and yes.” Last night I’d been thinking about Alejandro sleeping on my couch, his spicy scent invading my little apartment. The video of him grabbing my hand as we hustled to the SUV outside the restaurant had played in my mind, bringing a smile to my face, but every time I’d almost drifted off, the image changed. He would let go of my hand, his dark eyes clouding with disgust. Then he’d walk away from me.

My chest hurt thinking about it now. “My mind won’t shut off.”

“How frustrating. At the end of our session, I’ll share a technique to help you sleep. I’m guessing your energy been low?” I nodded. “Concentration too?”

“Studying’s near impossible these days.” My cheeks flamed. “My grades are horrible.”

“You have a stellar GPA as a biochemistry major, according to your paperwork. So by ‘horrible,’ I’m guessing you mean Bs?”

She seemed to know me well already. “
Low
Bs. Maybe even a C in p-chem.”

“That must be upsetting, especially with med school applications looming.”

She had me pegged.

“Has your athletic performance declined as well?”

I nodded, remembering my serves zooming into the net. I hadn’t served an ace in ages. The more questions she asked, the more impaired I sounded.

“How’s your appetite?”

“Ugh.” I scrunched my nose. “Food’s gross. But I did eat lunch today, don’t worry. Lucia’s been on my case to eat something.”

I thought I detected a faint smile before she asked her next question. “Have you had less desire to do activities you normally enjoy, like hang out with friends?”

I frowned. “Lucia asked me to join her and Dane for dinner tonight. She’s so sweet—I bet she asked because she knows Valentine’s Day’s hard for me. But I don’t want her pity.” Heaviness weighed down my eyelids. “And I’m so tired that I don’t know if I can make it.”

“Do you feel that way often? Too tired to be social?”

“I have a couple friends on the basketball team, but I haven’t gone out with them since December.” A pang of guilt hit me.
I should call Tamisha.

“Have you thought about death or suicide?”

I froze. I hadn’t told anyone about that night.

“Sometimes people who feel depressed also have thoughts about killing themselves,” she continued. “Have you had any of those thoughts?”

“I would never do it—it’d destroy my dad. But the night Jaylon broke up with me…I thought about taking pills. I had some pain meds left over from an injury sophomore year. Probably not enough to do the job. But then I realized how stupid it was to let a guy end my life. Jaylon wouldn’t care, anyway.”

“You were brave to face the pain. Feelings are temporary, but suicide is permanent. You’ve seen for yourself that your pain has decreased since that night.” She typed on her laptop, then looked straight at me. “And that sounds like more irrational thinking. Jaylon
would
have cared, as well as your family. They’d be devastated to lose you.”

That night had scared me, and my shoulders slumped in relief after telling her about it. Dr. Valentine said other people had suicidal thoughts, too. She made it seem like I wasn’t totally off my rocker.

“So you’ve been feeling down for a while now. What led you to come in today?”

“It’s Valentine’s Day. I figured it was a sign that I should see you.”

She smirked. “Yes, it is my day, isn’t it?”

“You should take the day off to celebrate.”

“But then I wouldn’t get to meet
you
.” Her smile lingered.

I thought about her question some more. “I guess the real reason I bit the bullet and scheduled this appointment is…I kind of like this other guy now, and I don’t want to mess it up. I don’t want it to end like it did with Jaylon.”

“Interesting. Are you ready for another relationship?”

“I have no idea.” I tossed my hands in the air. “Isn’t that your area of expertise?”

She grinned. “I don’t give advice in here. It’s more like helping you find your own wisdom. What do your heart and mind say about your readiness to love again?”

I pursed my lips. “My heart says ‘He’s hot. He makes you feel good. Go for it.’”

She laughed. “And your mind?”

“My mind says ‘Girl, Jaylon destroyed you. You’ll
never
be ready to love again.’”

“Hmm.” She pointed to the list of irrational thoughts. “I don’t think that’s your logical mind talking. Sounds more like fear. Jaylon could’ve broken up with you after twenty years together, and there’s still no evidence that you couldn’t have another relationship. You’re hurting, and you’re trying to protect yourself from more pain. Of course you’re scared of getting hurt again.”

She was right. I wasn’t destroyed…just a little damaged.

“But we all need connection. A life without love is barren and bereft.”

I frowned.

“One of life’s most poignant dilemmas,” she mused. “To embrace love, we risk heartbreak. To resist love, we risk emptiness.”

I leaned back on the sofa. I didn’t want emptiness, and my life sure had felt empty since Jaylon dumped me. Alejandro had begun to fill that void, however. With his sharp intellect, sleek physique, and self-assured approach, he’d set up his place inside of me. He’d moved in and infused a sense of hope for the future. But what if that future held more pain? More abandonment? Could I risk it?

“Let’s talk about your family. You mentioned your father earlier. What about your mother? Are your parents married?”

My stomach flipped. “Divorced.” My dad had received divorce papers after my fourth birthday, and we hadn’t heard from my mother since.

“How old were you when they divorced?”

“Four. I mean two.”

She squinted at me.

I took a deep breath. “Let’s just save some time here. My mother left us when I was two.”
Damn it!
I started to cry again.