Abuse, Trauma, and Torture - Their Consequences and Effects (3 page)

That the narcissist functions at all - is
because of his pathology and thanks to it. The alternative is
complete decompensation and integration.

In time, the narcissist learns how to leverage
his pathology, how to use it to his advantage, how to deploy it in
order to maximize benefits and utilities - in other words, how to
transform his curse into a blessing.

Narcissists are obsessed by delusions of
fantastic grandeur and superiority. As a result they are very
competitive. They are strongly compelled - where others are merely
motivated. They are driven, relentless, tireless, and ruthless.
They often make it to the top. But even when they do not - they
strive and fight and learn and climb and create and think and
devise and design and conspire. Faced with a challenge - they are
likely to do better than non-narcissists.

Yet, we often find that narcissists abandon
their efforts in mid-stream, give up, vanish, lose interest,
devalue former pursuits, fail, or slump. Why is that?

Narcissists are prone to self-defeating and
self-destructive behaviors.

The Self-Punishing, Guilt-Purging
Behaviors

These are intended to inflict punishment on
the narcissist and thus instantly relieve him of his overwhelming
anxiety.

This is very reminiscent of a
compulsive-ritualistic behavior. The narcissist feels guilty. It
could be an "ancient" guilt, a "sexual" guilt (Freud), or a
"social" guilt. In early life, the narcissist internalized and
introjected the voices of meaningful and authoritative others -
parents, role models, peers - that consistently and convincingly
judged him to be no good, blameworthy, deserving of punishment or
retaliation, or corrupt.

The narcissist's life is thus transformed into
an on-going trial. The constancy of this trial, the never
adjourning tribunal
is
the punishment. It is a
Kafkaesque "trial": meaningless, undecipherable, never-ending,
leading to no verdict, subject to mysterious and fluid laws and
presided over by capricious judges.

Such a narcissist masochistically frustrates
his deepest desires and drives, obstructs his own efforts,
alienates his friends and sponsors, provokes figures in authority
to punish, demote, or ignore him, actively seeks and solicits
disappointment, failure, or mistreatment and relishes them, incites
anger or rejection, bypasses or rejects opportunities, or engages
in excessive self-sacrifice.

In their book "Personality Disorders in Modern
Life", Theodore Millon and Roger Davis, describe the diagnosis of
"Masochistic or Self-Defeating Personality Disorder", found in the
appendix of the DSM III-R but excluded from the DSM IV. While the
narcissist is rarely a full-fledged masochist, many a narcissist
exhibit some of the traits of this personality disorder.

The Extracting
Behaviors

People with Personality Disorders (PDs) are
very afraid of real, mature, intimacy. Intimacy is formed not only
within a couple, but also in a workplace, in a neighborhood, with
friends, while collaborating on a project. Intimacy is another word
for emotional involvement, which is the result of interactions in
constant and predictable (safe) propinquity.

PDs interpret intimacy as counter-dependence,
emotional strangulation, the snuffing of freedom, a kind of death
in installments. They are terrorized by it. To avoid it, their
self-destructive and self-defeating acts are intended to dismantle
the very foundation of a successful relationship, a career, a
project, or a friendship. Narcissists feel elated and relieved
after they unshackle these "chains". They feel they broke a siege,
that they are liberated, free at last.

Read this:

The Relief of Being
Abandoned

The Default Behaviors

We are all, to some degree, inertial, afraid
of new situations, new opportunities, new challenges, new
circumstances and new demands. Being healthy, being successful,
getting married, becoming a mother, or someone's boss – often
entail abrupt breaks with the past. Some self-defeating behaviors
are intended to preserve the past, to restore it, to protect it
from the winds of change, to self-deceptively skirt promising
opportunities while seeming to embrace them.

Moreover, to the narcissist, a challenge, or
even a guaranteed eventual triumph, are meaningless in the absence
of onlookers. The narcissist needs an audience to applaud, affirm,
recoil, approve, admire, adore, fear, or even detest him. He craves
the attention and depends on the Narcissistic Supply only others
can provide. The narcissist derives sustenance only from the
outside - his emotional innards are hollow and moribund.

The narcissist's enhanced performance is
predicated on the existence of a challenge (real or imaginary) and
of an audience. Baumeister usefully re-affirmed this linkage, known
to theoreticians since Freud.

The Narcissist as a Failure and a
Loser

Three traits conspire to render the narcissist
a failure and a loser: his sense of
entitlement
,
his haughtiness and innate conviction of his own superiority, and
his aversion to
routine
.

The narcissist's sense of entitlement
encourages his indolence. He firmly believes that he should be
spoon-fed and that accomplishments and honors should be handed to
him on a silver platter, without any commensurate effort on his
part. His mere existence justifies such exceptional treatment. Many
narcissists are under-qualified and lack skills because they can't
be bothered with the minutia of obtaining an academic degree,
professional training, or exams.

The narcissist's arrogance and belief that he
is superior to others, whom he typically holds in contempt - in
other words: the narcissist's
grandiose
fantasies
- hamper his ability to function in society.
The cumulative outcomes of this social dysfunction gradually
transform him into a
recluse and an
outcast
. He is shunned by colleagues, employers,
neighbors, erstwhile friends, and, finally, even by long-suffering
family members who tire of his tirades and rants.

Unable to work in a team, to compromise, to
give credit where due, and to strive towards long-term goals, the
narcissist - skilled and gifted as he may be - finds himself
unemployed and unemployable, his bad reputation preceding
him.

Even when offered a job or a business
opportunity, the narcissist recoils, bolts, and obstructs each and
every stage of the negotiations or the transaction.

But this
passive-aggressive
(negativistic and
masochistic
)
conduct has nothing to do with the narcissist's aforementioned
indolence. The narcissist is not afraid of some forms of hard work.
He invests inordinate amounts of energy, forethought, planning,
zest, and sweat in securing
narcissistic
supply
, for instance.

The narcissist's sabotage of new employment or
business prospects is owing to his abhorrence of routine.
Narcissists feel trapped, shackled, and enslaved by the quotidian,
by the repetitive tasks that are inevitably involved in fulfilling
one's assignments. They hate the methodical, step-by-step,
long-term, approach. Possessed of magical thinking, they'd rather
wait for miracles to happen. Jobs, business deals, and teamwork
require perseverance and tolerance of boredom which the narcissist
sorely lacks.

Life forces most narcissists into the hard
slog of a steady job (or succession of jobs). Such "unfortunate"
narcissists, coerced into a framework they resent, are likely to
act out and erupt in a series of
self-destructive and
self-defeating acts
(see above).

But there are other narcissists, the "luckier"
ones, those who can afford not to work. They laze about, indulge
themselves in a variety of idle and trivial pursuits, seek
entertainment and thrills wherever and whenever they can, and while
their lives away, at once content and bitter: content with their
lifestyle and the minimum demands it imposes on them and bitter
because they haven't achieved more, they haven't reached the
pinnacle or their profession, they haven't become as rich or famous
or powerful as they deserve to be.

Return

Confabulations are an
important part of life. They serve to heal emotional wounds or to
prevent ones from being inflicted in the first place. They prop-up
the confabulator's self-esteem, regulate his (or her) sense of
self-worth, and buttress his (or her) self-image. They serve as
organising principles in social interactions.

Father's wartime heroism,
mother's youthful good looks, one's oft-recounted exploits,
erstwhile alleged brilliance, and past purported sexual
irresistibility – are typical examples of white, fuzzy,
heart-warming lies wrapped around a shrivelled kernel of
truth.

But the distinction
between reality and fantasy is rarely completely lost. Deep inside,
the healthy confabulator knows where facts end and wishful thinking
takes over. Father acknowledges he was no war hero, though he did
his share of fighting. Mother understands she was no ravishing
beauty, though she may have been attractive. The confabulator
realises that his recounted exploits are overblown, his brilliance
exaggerated, and his sexual irresistibility a myth.

Such distinctions never
rise to the surface because everyone – the confabulator and his
audience alike – have a common interest to maintain the
confabulation. To challenge the integrity of the confabulator or
the veracity of his confabulations is to threaten the very fabric
of family and society. Human intercourse is built around such
entertaining deviations from the truth.

This is where the
narcissist differs from others (from "normal" people).

His very self is a piece
of fiction concocted to fend off hurt and to nurture the
narcissist's grandiosity. He fails in his "reality test" – the
ability to distinguish the actual from the imagined. The narcissist
fervently believes in his own infallibility, brilliance,
omnipotence, heroism, and perfection. He doesn't dare confront the
truth and admit it even to himself.

Moreover, he imposes his
personal mythology on his nearest and dearest. Spouse, children,
colleagues, friends, neighbours – sometimes even perfect strangers
– must abide by the narcissist's narrative or face his wrath. The
narcissist countenances no disagreement, alternative points of
view, or criticism. To him, confabulation IS reality.

The coherence of the
narcissist's dysfunctional and precariously-balanced personality
depends on the plausibility of his stories and on their acceptance
by his Sources of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissist invests an
inordinate time in substantiating his tales, collecting "evidence",
defending his version of events, and in re-interpreting reality to
fit his scenario. As a result, most narcissists are
self-delusional, obstinate, opinionated, and
argumentative.

The narcissist's lies are
not goal-orientated. This is what makes his constant dishonesty
both disconcerting and incomprehensible. The narcissist lies at the
drop of a hat, needlessly, and almost ceaselessly. He lies in order
to avoid the Grandiosity Gap – when the abyss between fact and
(narcissistic) fiction becomes too gaping to ignore.

The narcissist lies in
order to preserve appearances, uphold fantasies, support the tall
(and impossible) tales of his False Self and extract Narcissistic
Supply from unsuspecting sources, who are not yet on to him. To the
narcissist, confabulation is not merely a way of life – but life
itself.

We are all conditioned to
let other indulge in pet delusions and get away with white, not too
egregious, lies. The narcissist makes use of our socialisation. We
dare not confront or expose him, despite the outlandishness of his
claims, the improbability of his stories, the implausibility of his
alleged accomplishments and conquests. We simply turn the other
cheek, or meekly avert our eyes, often embarrassed.

Moreover, the
narcissist makes clear, from the very beginning, that it is his way
or the highway. His aggression – even violent streak – are close to
the surface. He may be charming in a first encounter – but even
then there are
telltale
signs
of pent-up abuse. His
interlocutors sense this impending threat and avoid conflict by
acquiescing with the narcissist's fairy tales. Thus he imposes his
private universe and virtual reality on his milieu – sometimes with
disastrous consequences.

Return

The narcissist is the
guru at the centre of a cult. Like other gurus, he demands complete
obedience from his flock: his spouse, his offspring, other family
members, friends, and colleagues. He feels entitled to adulation
and special treatment by his followers. He punishes the wayward and
the straying lambs. He enforces discipline, adherence to his
teachings, and common goals. The less accomplished he is in reality
– the more stringent his mastery and the more pervasive the
brainwashing.

The – often involuntary –
members of the narcissist's mini-cult inhabit a twilight zone of
his own construction. He imposes on them a shared psychosis,
replete with persecutory delusions, "enemies", mythical narratives,
and apocalyptic scenarios if he is flouted.