Absolution (15 page)

I moved away, turned, giving him my back. I closed my eyes and willed the images not to grow more sordid. But Albert’s suggestion that Matthias had savored women in his life planted wretched seeds that now sprung wild pictures of tangled bodies lusting after one another.

No, no, no. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
I repeated the phrase over and over. But the pictures remained, winding on an endless loop of sweaty nakedness. I kept my back to him.

“Zoe.” His soft voice penetrated the licentious show in my head.

I swallowed. “I’m sorry. I’m human.”

“He’s doing this to you.”

How could I be sure the images in my head weren’t Matthias’? We could read each other’s thoughts, after all. They had to be his. Had to be. A shot of anger bolted through me that he’d recalled the memories, let alone lived them.

I turned. Stared. Tried to decipher.

After all this time, don’t you think I have more control than that? And I’d
never lie to you.

Another slug of shame hit me in the stomach but was replaced by an overwhelming cloud of distrust. “Sure, you have control but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen—and the fact that you won’t talk about it means you have something to hide.”

Matthias’ crystal blue eyes narrowed. “That’s Albert, Zoe.”

Fear scurried through my veins. I didn’t want Albert here, and I most definitely did not want him slipping inside and taking me over because I was turning into some crazy female. What was happening to me?

I grabbed my head, sunk to the mattress and let out a groan. Matthias was right. I knew he was right. But I wanted to satisfy the craving I had inside to know his past. I wanted to see that woman. Know about their relationship.

Teenage girls thrived off gossip like hard candy, slowly sucking each morsel for detail.

I took a deep breath.
I can think about you and other women without
Albert influencing me. I can get beyond this.

Silence.

I turned, looked up at him. A slice of trepidation cut across his face.

What did it mean?

I can, can’t I?

Silence. Emptiness. His beautiful eyes that had given me comfort with just a look so many times before, now stared into mine. Fear and doubt cut me wide open.

This can’t be happening. I can’t doubt you.
Tears filled my eyes. Matthias knelt before me, his blue eyes deepening to midnight. He took my hands in his. “Look at me.”

Don’t take your eyes from mine.

I won’t. Please. Don’t let Albert do this to me.

Matthias’ grip tightened around my hands.
I can be here for you, but you
have to choose, Zoe, whether or not to believe me.

I do believe you.
At least I had. Why was I questioning now? My mind seemed possessed.
He’s hiding this from you because it’s the truth and no matter
how ugly it is, the truth is that he was with other women. What you saw in your
head is truth. No it’s not. Don’t be stupid. He’s an angel.
Anger started like a fire racing from my toes up my legs, filling my body.

Disgusted, I pushed to my feet. Walked away. Breath heaved in. Out.

Nerves wound tight. Tighter. I wanted to scream. I closed my eyes.
I can’t be
around you right now.

His power radiated behind me like an inferno. If I turned around, I could touch it. I could try again to look into his eyes and glean some of his soothing comfort.

He’s not telling you the truth because the truth is exactly what you thought it
would be, Zoe. Women. Lots of women. Sex. Intimacy.
Nausea filled my throat. I swallowed.

Zoe, your heart—

My head was at war with itself.
He loves you. You know he does. Why are
you doing this to yourself? It’s not like you haven’t had your share of guys, you can
hardly judge him.

“Zoe.” Matthias’ touch on my shoulders caused me to start. His comfort wafted through my body. “See this for what it is—Albert’s efforts to hurt you.”

Of course that was what it was. Knowing that didn’t remove the resentment lingering in my blood, or wipe the graphic images of my own creation from my mind.

“Maybe you should leave.” The words left my tongue with the bitterness of profanity.

Matthias turned me to face him, his palms anchored to my shoulders.

“I’ll stay until you’re convinced that you’re all that matters to me.”

“I hate being human,” I mumbled, grasping his hands. Our fingers linked at my shoulders.

Matthias took in a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

Afraid he might think I didn’t want him in my life anymore, I pulled his hands from my shoulders so our hands gripped tight, and brought us chest-to-chest. “I don’t really mean that.” I wanted him in my life no matter the cost. I’d spend the rest of my life fighting Albert’s influence if it drove me to death.

The sober look on his face told me the unending nature of Albert’s assault might do just that. “I don’t care what Albert tries to do,” I said. “You’re not leaving me.”

His fingers left my hands to trace my face. “He’ll tear you apart, and that will…”
tear me apart.

“I won’t let him. I won’t. I’m sorry I thought those stupid thoughts. I shouldn’t have.”

He took me to the edge of my bed, set his hands again on my shoulders and gently eased me down so that we both sat facing each other. “This is where he’s going to dig. Here. With this. He’s going to continue bringing up my past because he knows it will hurt you the most.”

The very idea tired me, and it had only begun.

Matthias cradled my hands in his. “Her name was Violet.”

His clear gaze was as true as it had always been. Why hadn’t I siphoned it moments ago? How could I have let Albert’s influence linger even a moment in my soul, creating frustration, feeding weakness?

My heart thrummed in my chest.
Violet.
The woman’s face came into my mind. Pale, flawless skin. Enormous brown eyes. Parted ruby lips.

Matthias’ expression stiffened a little, like even speaking her name caused him discomfort.

“Stop,” I blurted. “I don’t have to know anything else.”

“Her father was Pop’s rival.” His voice remained controlled. Factual.

I searched his eyes for emotion—old love, pain, regret—anything. But the discomfort I’d just seen was gone and nothing else surfaced. “I thought I loved her. I thought she loved me, but I found out later that she…did not.”

Gravity thickened the air. Did he know that his grip had closed tighter around my fingers? Matthias glanced at our joined hands and his hold loosened.

“She was a bad seed, Zoe,” he said. “A mistake for me.”

“I’m sorry.”
Did she hurt you? How long did you love her? Did you sleep
with her?

“I don’t want Albert using her to get to you in any way, so… I’ll answer your questions.”
Prepare yourself for the answers.

My palms began to sweat on the brink of having my curiosity satiated.

“Yes, she hurt me. But only because we were young and not smart.

We both knew better than to fall for the enemy. I suppose she craved Jack’s attention as much as I craved Pop’s.”

Images shifted through my mind spottily then: Violet holding my hand, leading me through the dark smoky makeshift bar in the church basement I’d seen before when I’d ventured into Matthias’ memory.

Music fills my head. Someone’s playing Scott Joplin from a ratty old piano in the corner. Couples dance. The stuffy air is thick with alcohol and perfume.

I feel Violet’s small, warm, hand in mine, leading me to a tiny space in the raucous crowd. I’m wearing the same suit I wear the night of my death.

The same shiny shoes. In fact, one look around this bawdy place and I know I’ve been in this memory before.

Hours later.

Someone bumps into my left shoulder. “’Scuse me, Matty.” The robust voice belongs to Junior Cracciola—the man who will kill me. But this moment, I only know him as a friend.

And brother to Violet.

Violet’s gaze lingers on Junior and the brown color in her eyes flashes with something. Her head tilts slightly in that way that sends a tremor of excitement racing through my gut. Does she want me to leave with her? Take her home?

We remain in the smoke-filled room and any questions I have about Violet and the secret look she shares with her brother I dismiss the moment she slips her arms up around my neck and pulls me close. The softness of her body against mine, the way she sways with me—slow like rich molasses—even though the music taps in my ears at a cheery pace, causes my mind to empty of all thoughts but her.

Violet’s gaze holds me captive. Her mesmerizing brown eyes seem depthless, and I see something in them as Zoe, something that Matthias didn’t see in them that fateful night all those years ago. Betrayal.

I looked at Matthias, staring off, his face stark with realization.

“She set you up,” I murmured.

No anger or hurt passed over his countenance. Only realization.

Understanding. Then his blue eyes widened and as my words hit home, his face shifted to horror. His gaze met mine.

Albert hadn’t been the one to send him to his death. Violet and Junior had arranged it. Albert had been an unwitting accomplice.

Matthias closed his eyes a moment, his hands, holding mine, stilled.

He swallowed. The silence in the air was dense, heavy with lament. My heart plummeted to my feet. Sorrow wound through my limbs, nearly causing me to crumple in grief.

You pushed him to tell you. You and your curiosity couldn’t leave things
alone. You had to ask, had to know.

Anguish scored Matthias’ face.
Zoe.

“I’m sorry I asked. I’m sorry I wanted to know.”

“I wouldn’t have understood what had really happened if I hadn’t seen it through your eyes. You saw something I didn’t. I’m…grateful.”

But you hurt. I’m sorry. I don’t want you to hurt. What have I done?

You’ve shown me the truth.
He rose to his feet and crossed to the window, looking out.
How could I have ever thought he would do that?
He shook his head and bowed it.

Pressed to comfort him, I joined him at the window and laid my hand on his shoulder. His reassurance swelled through me, and I took in a tremulous breath, infused with joy and peace and everything wonderful he provided me as my guardian.

What can I do for you?

He laid his hand over mine and squeezed.
This revelation has brought me
unspeakable comfort, Zoe.

He turned, looked into my eyes and all traces of the sorrow I’d seen moments ago at the news, was gone. I admired his ability to quickly come to terms with such things.

“Part of my refinement,” he murmured, smiling.

“Lucky.” I felt stronger knowing the truth, layering yet another coat of armor over me so I was better prepared to face Albert.

“Regardless of what actually happened that night, Albert lies, and he’ll continue to. There weren’t multiple women. I was too… oh, I don’t know…

lame, as you say.”

A small laugh escaped my tight chest. He smiled, lifting the mood instantly. “I think Pop was ashamed I wasn’t more like him. A ladies man. But that wasn’t me.”

“She was the only girl you liked? In your whole life?”

“Well, no.” He chuckled. “When I was six I had a mad crush on this girl I met in one of the boarding houses we frequented. Her mother ran the place. Her name was Ginny Birk.”

“I want to get in your head and see everything about your life.”

He touched my cheek. “Someday you can know those things. If you want to, you can see it all.”

“Why do I have to wait? And what about our connection? I want to know more about that.”

“I’ve told you what I know. You and I will be together someday.”

“How do you know that, anyway?”

He lowered his head a moment, closed his eyes. Was he praying? Angry at me?

Not angry, Zoe. I love you, remember that
. His eyes lifted to mine. My heart fluttered. “When I first saw you, I felt something deep down awaken.

Like a memory.”

His conviction spoke to my soul like it had so many times before. A conviction that wiped away my need for immediate understanding, replacing that need with total acceptance that at some point, my questions would have answers.

I wrapped around him, and his arms surrounded me. “Albert should leave me alone now,” I said, vowing to not let Albert’s smear campaign get to me. I wanted to protect Matthias from Albert’s intent to destroy him. “You don’t deserve this.” I let out a sigh against his shoulder, then eased back and gazed into his eyes. How could anyone want to hurt him? Albert’s hate didn’t compute in my head.

“You’re years ahead in your ability to love and forgive.” Matthias’ warm hands cupped my cheeks. “Apply that to each soul you come into contact with and you’ll have everyone you meet eating out of the palm of your hand.”

Every soul?
But that thought, though automatic because we were discussing Albert, was outrageous.

Matthias took a deep breath and gazed away.

Even Albert.

Had I heard his wish or was that my own mind giving me the suggestion? Matthias’ gaze remained off somewhere, and suddenly my head filled with images.

I’m lying in a bed. The room is dark, but a window at the end of the space lets in a slice of white moonlight that illuminates the room in a knife of light. The ceiling is pitched, slatted. The room is lined with beds, filled with people, sleeping. In spite of bitter cold air a strong, pungent odor fills my nose: sweat, body odor, dust.

Someone shares the bed with me. I recognize the body instantly: Pop.

He lies beside me, his warmth; his strong frame nestled against mine.

“Matty,” his voice is a low whisper.

“Yes, sir?” My voice—Matthias’—is small, light, youthful.

“You sleepy?”

It’s hard to sleep, even though I’m bone tired. I itch from head to toe, am dirty and have nearly forgotten the smell of my own bed. My stomach growls. “No sir.”