Absence of Faith (29 page)

"I don't know. I just don't know. I
knew him my whole life," Stokes said. "What should we
do?"

"I'm calling Detective Vancuso,"
Carson said.

"Who's that?"

"He's investigating the break-in at
my house and he thinks a cult may be involved."

I
n her
garden, Mary's mind drifted with the wind - a funnel of memories
that streamed into her consciousness one after another at lightning
speed. The funnel of memories was endless and she thought it was a
bit strange that almost all of her most pleasant memories were
recalled with such vivid detail at this time. Her thoughts scared
her as she pulled up willowy green weeds and trimmed her overly
healthy rose bushes.

She loved the garden - it gave her
a sense of accomplishment and purpose. Like her cooking, it gave
meaning to her life as she gave life to the plants and flowers that
struggled to make their way out of the dark, cold earth. She worked
slowly feeling her energy run down as the day grew older. She wore
a large floppy straw hat to keep the sun off her face and out of
her eyes because her skin had become extremely sensitive to the sun
in her later years. She wore a light cotton, long-sleeved shirt and
baggy blue jeans. The only part of her body exposed to the sun was
the back of her neck. A light breeze kept her neck cool so she
didn't notice the intensity of the sun's rays and the sunburn she
was receiving at the nape of her neck.

The kaleidoscope of memories
continued as if she were in a dream state. The first date with
Matthew suddenly streamed into her consciousness. They had grown up
on the same street only several houses apart on Acorn Drive in the
nearby coastal town of Atlantic Highlands. They said the street got
its name from the rows of large oak trees that lined the street and
eventually dropped hundreds of acorns each spring covering the
sidewalks. They had occasionally played together as children in the
early and mid 1950s, but never took notice of each other until high
school. He was on the football team and she was in the Literary
Club.

Mary felt very tired and walked to
the far corner of the yard and sat down in the teak settee under
the giant maple tree - her favorite place. A cool, gentle breeze
whipped her face as she settled down on the settee. The tree made
her feel safe - the large stately branches protected her against
the evils of the world. She loved the old shade tree. It was one of
her few cherished things. Like she had done always, she leaned her
head against tree on this day and closed her eyes. Its 85-year-old
bark served as an anchor in the world. She dozed into a peaceful
sleep, and dreamt she was back at her high school football stadium.
The smells and sounds of the nearby locker room drifted towards the
bleachers, where Mary and her friend, Dolores, sat waiting for the
team to come out after their showers. The locker room smelled of
stale sweat, worn leather, disinfectant and soap. The players
dripped out sporadically and Mary kept a keen eye for Matthew. When
he emerged - his black hair shiny and clean and slicked to his
powerful head - Mary always stood up and waved. Matthew would
approach and when he was close enough, he would always ask the same
question.

"Hi, Mary," he said. "What are you
doing here?"

"Just thought I'd say hello," Mary
said twitching with embarrassment.

"Well. Hello," Matthew replied with
a large smile.

"Hello."

"There's a dance Friday night,"
Matthew said hesitating.

Several moments passed, and then he
spoke again.

"Would you like to go?"

"I'd love to!" Mary said jumping up
from the bench.

"Great! I'll pick you..." Matthew
said, but his voice suddenly lost its volume and faded away.
Suddenly, she began to float upward away from Matthew like a wisp
of smoke. She reached out towards him, but she could not reach him.
He stared up at her in disbelief and sadness. She began to cry for
only a moment and then felt a tremendous peace flow through her
consciousness - a peace without conditions, a peace she knew was
not fleeting.

Matthew and the football field
vanished into a darkness that swallowed her completely. She found
herself rocketing through space, traveling at what she thought was
immense distances in only seconds. Then a light began to appear
below her. A strange green pattern formed that moved back and
forth, horizontally. The pattern appeared out of focus, and then
slowly became recognizable - it was the top of the old maple tree
swaying back and forth from a slight breeze. A figure appeared
under the tree - it was her, asleep, curled up on the settee and
looking content. She wondered how she could be floating above her
own body. She no longer felt part of it. It was someone else's body
now, she thought. She floated for several moments until a gust of
wind seemed to swirl off the top of the tree and move towards her.
She could feel a tiny wisp of a breeze move over her and flow
harder past her. Then it turned into a great wind and suddenly
there was an explosion of sound. She could hear again! She could
hear the wind rushing past, the sweet deep melody of her backyard
wind chime and the chirps of several birds. An inner peace and
great wisdom overwhelmed her and she tried to reach out toward the
old maple tree and the singing birds, but her arms would not
respond. Suddenly, the wind increased again and pulled her away
from the old maple tree, and she tried to resist, but the wind was
stronger. It pulled and crushed her at the same time. The maple
tree vanished and she sensed being pulled downward at tremendous
speed. A tiny flickering orange light appeared below her and slowly
became larger and brighter. The light reflected off the walls of a
dark tunnel covered in stringy, translucent arms that whipped out
towards her as she descended. She lunged toward the wall and
stretched her arms out as far as she could to stop her falling, but
she couldn’t reach the wall. As she moved closer to the glowing
orange light, she could feel the heat and her skin beginning to
burn. At first, the pain was like severe sunburn, but as she was
thrust closer, the burning increased. The pain became unbearable
and there was no escape. Then she stopped moving and found herself
standing on a rim of a pool of red-hot molten liquid. Several
beings oozed out of the hot liquid - they were black and resembled
human forms, but changed shape constantly as their skin blistered
and oozed, reformed, and deformed. Their large bulbous eyes were
filled with pain and horror. The figures floated out of the red-hot
pool and landed next to her. They stood on each side of her on the
narrow rim that resembled a slate walk. She was trapped, she
thought. If she stepped forward or back, she would fall into the
molten liquid. One figure reached out and touched her arm. Mary
jumped back and screamed. Her arm began to blister and burn. The
being on the other side touched her shoulder, and it turned black,
collapsed and reformed again disfigured. Suddenly, the pain stopped
and her arm and shoulder went back into its original shape. The
beings vanished and a bright, brilliant light shown overhead. The
light was the size of a man and its shape changed constantly. The
light communicated to her, not with words or sounds, but with
thoughts.

"Come," it said.

Mary reached up toward the light
and was lifted upward. The pain and heat vanished and she felt a
tremendous amount of love coming from the light - an unconditional
love without judgment, without boundaries; a love that transcended
space and time and clearly extended into infinity. A profound peace
seeped into her and she felt that she had arrived "home." The light
brought her to a plush, pastoral field with rolling hills of green
grass and endless white roses spreading out into the horizon. Mary
breathed in the sweet scent of the roses and the hearty smell of
the fresh grass. She could hear birds singing in the distance, and
the rustling of tree leaves. She spotted a tiny valley shaded by
two large maple trees. Three small children played in the fresh
grass with a small rubber ball. The little girl looked up at
Mary.

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" the tiny
girl shouted.

The two little boys looked up and
shouted the same words. They all began running towards Mary. Mary
ran to them with outstretched arms. She hugged them all. She had
never felt such an intense love - the emotion seemed to stream
through her like water rushing over a waterfall. She knew instantly
that these were the children she had lost to miscarriages over the
years.
If only Matthew hadn't been so stubborn about that
operation
, she thought. He was sure it would have killed her,
but at least one of her children would have lived.

Mary looked up and saw Matthew
stooping in front of one of the trees. A woman dressed in a light
cotton long-sleeved shirt and blue jeans was curled up on a wooden
bench. He was crying; she had never seen him so sad, so emotional.
His pain stabbed her like a knife. She wanted to run to him, to hug
him, to sooth his pain away. Instead, she hugged the children again
and experienced the profound love and wisdom that she had sought
all her life. She was finally at peace. A being of light appeared
from behind one of the trees and approached Mary. The being was
translucent and the light moved like smoke in windless air. Mary
jumped back remembering the clear arms in the tunnel that burned
her skin.

"Will you come now or later?" said
a melodic voice from the light.

Mary looked at the beautiful faces
of her children and then at Matthew's face covered with tears. Her
house suddenly appeared in front of her - movers were bringing in
more antique pieces; then she was hosting a dinner party with
doctors from the hospital; she was gardening; her and Matthew were
on a trip to Italy - Matthew was the key speaker at a convention in
Naples; more dinner parties; a luncheon with other doctor's wives -
all in lonely, isolated silence. The scenes rushed past her like a
kaleidoscope of memories. Mary looked at the children again - their
wide, beautiful eyes beckoning her, their tiny smiles giving her
unimaginable joy.

"Now,"
she
thought.

The light being became more
brilliant and everything vanished except the three children. They
held each other's hands and walked into the glorious light. Mary
suddenly realized where she was. The part of the world she had just
left and the world she was in now were one. She had an increased
appreciation of life and death and a renewed purpose of existence.
She was more loving, more caring, and more compassionate than she
had ever been in life, and she had her three lost children to share
her feelings with for all eternity. All the pain and discomforts
from her life on the earth melted away into a peace she had never
experienced before. She came upon a profound wisdom that all of the
Earth and the universe were one; that time with its past, present
and future were merely an illusion because all events just exist -
nothing happens or occurs; that good and evil are also one because
without evil there is no good, and without good there is no evil,
and that all forces in space and time are in harmony with each
other. She followed the light being into eternity, her children
beside her, her life fulfilled with the new world ahead of
her.

F
rank didn't
notice the weather as he walked through the narrow canopy to the
departure gate - the rain pounded on the thin metal roof like
thousands of tiny drums beating together. He wore a loose fitting
striped green shirt, tight blue jeans and black, richly ornate
cowboy boots. Like his personality, the clothes suggested that he
moved fast and in no way hinted that he was an investigative
pathologist employed by the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta,
Georgia. The flight was uneventful from Atlanta to Newark, and he
was looking forward to seeing Carson again. He and Carson had been
friends since childhood. They lived on the same block and played
together as kids. They went to the same high school, the prom,
studied together and attended Rutgers Medical School at Cook
College. They loved each other like brothers and would do anything
for each other.

He grabbed the side of the buttery
soft leather valise that hung off his right shoulder and brought it
forward. The worn, cedar brown leather reminded him of his
grandfather, whom he had never met and had only seen in cracked and
faded tiny black and white photos with bent corners.

"You're grandfather loved to
travel. He always said that travel was educational and he always
carried his leather valise wherever he went," his mother told him
one day holding it lovingly seeing the memories of her father in
the worn leather.

"Where did he go?"

"All over. He was a
businessman."

His mother had given Frank the
valise when he graduated medical school. She had kept it hidden
away all those years planning to give it to Frank when it was old
enough to appreciate it. At first, Frank wasn't impressed - the
leather bag was worn and looked ancient. He placed it in a closet
and forgot about it for several months until he saw one of the
older, established doctors carrying a similar case. He began using
it the next day and soon grew to love it. It was large enough to
carry all his paperwork, a laptop, lunch, and anything else, he
needed. The front had two small pouches with large flaps that tied
shut with leather ties. The more Frank carried the bag, the more he
realized its importance - its link with the past, his link with his
lineage. He often wondered where the case had been, what cities,
what countries and who of importance had been in the same room with
the valise during a time that was long gone. As he ran his fingers
across the smooth leather, it was if he could touch the past and
transcend the barriers of the present. When he touched a computer
keyboard or drove his car, he knew those things were made only a
short time ago by people who were still alive, but the case was
made more than three generations ago and its artisans no longer
existed, but their work lived on through the valise.