Above His Station (17 page)

‘Arbitrator Bloch, it’s so good of you to see us at such short notice,’ Astrid began, slithering up and into one of the two chairs opposite Bloch, as I took the other.

Haakenslaars Bloch, Chief Arbitrator for the Sentient Life-form Ethical Treatment and Valued Diversity Tribunal Committee (SLETVDTC for short) rested a fat cigar in a silver ashtray before slumping into his upholstered chair like a deflating dirigible. I glanced down at the rat perched upon the arm of my seat, and it gave me a look as if to say “
Lawyers, eh?
” and I couldn’t disagree with it. When Arbitrator Bloch spoke, his voice was just how I expected it to be. Much like his physical appearance, it was well-rounded and slothful, disinclined to deviate from a monotonous drone.

‘Let me start by saying that the only reason why we’re even having this conversation is because I’m a big fan of A.R.S.E,’ he said.

I prayed that the rat would keep its trap shut and to my great surprise, it did!

‘Sorry, Professor…but what did you say your name was?’ Bloch enquired.

‘Serpiente. Astrid Serpiente.’

Judging by the pale look of shock on the Arbitrator’s face, this came as quite a surprise. ‘But…but how can that be true? I mean…aren’t you
dead?
’

Astrid went quite pale herself. ‘
Dead?
’

‘You were part of the crew of the
Viper Explorer
, for crying out loud!’ said Bloch, his belly quivering. ‘Your story is known to many, especially out here on the far rim of the galaxy! But you were lost in space years ago and the rumours were that you’d died!’

‘I am happy to confirm that those rumours are false…although the same cannot be said for my crewmates. They both perished when we were forced to make an emergency landing on Earth, and that’s where I’ve been all this time, with no way of returning home and no way of making contact during my confinement,’ Astrid told him. ‘Tell me, Arbitrator…are there many that believe me to be dead?’

‘Considering who you happen to be related to, Professor, practically everyone! It was pretty big news at the time, and a lot of people will be overjoyed to know that you’re safe and sound, I can tell you.’

‘That’s good to hear,’ said Astrid. ‘But not everyone, I should imagine.’

Arbitrator Bloch seemed chuffed to bits and he couldn’t stop staring at Astrid, as if she was just a figment of his imagination and she might disappear in a puff of smoke at any given moment (I knew just how he felt). ‘This is amazing! Absolutely amazing! You know, it’s not often I get someone from A.R.S.E in my office – especially someone that’s supposed to be dead! Up until a few days ago it was rare to see an Asclepian full-stop, but now I get two visits in one week. So what can I do for you, Professor?’

‘We seek your assistance, Arbitrator,’ Astrid said, firmly. ‘The human and his Advocate wish to file an appeal against the treatment of mankind, an act recently carried out by my species.’

‘Advocate, you say? Where is it?’ said Bloch, making a big show of looking over my shoulders. ‘I can’t see anyone apart from this stinking rodent.’

‘Hey! I had a bath just last month!’ protested the rat.

Before things could get off-topic, Astrid wisely interrupted. ‘Arbitrator, the rodent’s lack of personal hygiene is not up for debate. The human has important business to discuss and time is of the essence, I fear.’

Bloch looked at me. ‘Well? Is this true?’

I nodded. ‘Yes, sir. I’ve been sort of piecing it together all day, but it’s not been easy and I don’t know all the facts yet. It seems that the Asclepians used some sort of
reincarnation ray
upon the whole of humanity.’

‘So I see,’ said Bloch, glancing at a folded newspaper on his desk. ‘It’s all over today’s front page.’

I twisted around in my seat as the bold headline grabbed me instantly, even without my spectacles that were still buried somewhere in the satchel over my shoulder.

“
MANKIND ERADICATED FROM EARTH
”

I felt a lump in my throat. If it was on the front page of the newspaper then perhaps it was already too late…

‘
Bloody press!
’ snarled Arbitrator Bloch. ‘They always get their facts wrong. Mankind was genetically altered, it wasn’t eradicated! The two things are
completely
different. Anyway, you were saying?’

‘Well, sir,’ I began again, ‘I’m here to lodge a complaint against the Asclepians for their crime. Can’t you send out the space police or something and arrest them?’

‘Arrest
who
specifically?’ asked Bloch. ‘Do you know the name of the snake that was personally responsible for giving the order? Or the one who pushed the button that did the dirty deed?’

‘I, um…no, I don’t,’ I confessed, ‘but that’s not the point! Surely they should be-’

‘I can hardly subpoena the entire Asclepian race to my courtroom!’ said Bloch, narrowing his yellow eyes. ‘It’s far too
small
for one thing…and that’s why I need a name! That’s how things work around here, you see. We’re the Sentient Life-form Ethical Treatment and Valued Diversity Tribunal Committee, which effectively means that we ensure that all sentient life in the Universe gets along. Every now and then, planets fall out with other planets, but there’s always someone behind it.’ He turned to Astrid. ‘And what about you, Professor? What is your role in this? Am I to take it that you have sided with this human against your own kind?’

Astrid lowered her head. ‘I am merely repaying him for freeing me from captivity. Where this goes from here is up to him and his Advocate.’

‘And whilst we’re on the subject.’ Bloch peered down his stub of a nose at the rat. ‘Honestly, human, is this wretched creature the best you could do? If you really are serious about lodging an appeal, you can’t nominate
vermin
to speak on your behalf! You need someone with common sense, someone educated in intergalactic law…someone who doesn’t eat their own faeces.’

‘I do not eat my own faeces!’ said the rat. ‘Anymore.’

‘Arbitrator, the human wishes to understand the reasons behind mankind’s treatment…and to see if the decision can be overturned,’ said Astrid. ‘But the hearing will only be sanctioned by the council if it’s got your full weight behind it.’

‘In that case it should be a piece of piss,’ said the rat, eyeing Bloch’s bulk.

‘Rodent!’ snapped Astrid. ‘You are
not
helping!’

‘Just saying.’

‘Well, don’t!’

‘Professor, you know your species as well as I do,’ said Bloch. ‘They won’t take kindly to getting dragged into a courtroom for something as straightforward as this.’

‘
Straightforward?
’ I interjected. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘If I can be blunt,’ Bloch said, even though seemingly that’s all he could be, ‘it’s very rare for a planet to bring a local issue like this to our door. We’re the SLETVDTC, for crying out loud. Most in your position just send up a fleet of battle-cruisers and start a war or something. The last thing they want to do is get involved with the intergalactic legal system – a minefield of procedural headaches at the best of times.’

‘I can’t believe I’m hearing this!’ I said, allowing my emotions to put words into my mouth. ‘We were the victims! I shouldn’t have to sit here and
justify
myself!’

‘Well…to be fair,’ said Bloch, ‘you’re the only human that’s complained about it.’

‘That’s because I’m the only one left!’ I had heard enough and I rose abruptly to my feet, forgetting about the rat and I knocked it flying. If the Chief Arbitrator, supposedly sitting in the highest seat of justice in the galaxy was dead against the appeal, what chance did it have of winning, let alone making it as far as a courtroom? ‘What the Asclepians did to my world was a crime! Pure and simple! They unleashed an attack on my world and didn’t even have the
decency
to give us a chance to defend ourselves. How can they do something like that and the law just lets them off scot free?’ 

‘That’s a very negative way of looking at it, if you don’t mind me saying,’ said Bloch. 

‘You’re damn right it’s negative!’ I raged. ‘Try walking in my shoes!’

‘Have you quite finished?’ asked Bloch.

‘Not by a long chalk!’ I shouted. ‘Not until the Asclepians are brought to bear!’

‘You’re not listening, Earthman. I’m trying to help you out here, trying to save you a lot of time and effort of going through such a pointless exercise. You might take issue with what the Asclepians did, but as far as they’re concerned, they were well within their rights.’

‘
Within their rights?
’ I shouted, my ire well and truly stoked now. ‘How can it be within someone’s rights to wipe out an entire species?’

‘Isn’t that what the dodo said?’ asked Bloch.

Oh, I was properly cross now. Why is it that whenever anyone talks about wiping out an entire species, they always mention the bloody dodo? It’s not as if anyone actually misses the stupid bird anyway. ‘But how can the Asclepians get away with this?’

‘As they see it, they were only defending themselves,’ replied Arbitrator Bloch.

‘From what?’

‘From you,’ said Bloch. ‘You and your kind.’

‘I don’t understand, I…’ I said, floundering – the more I learned the less I seemed to know and it was becoming incredibly frustrating. ‘Why would they need to defend themselves? We didn’t even know they existed!’

Astrid seemed to be as lost as I was, and this was her species that we were talking about. ‘Arbitrator, I have been absent from my home-world for many years, but since when did the Asclepians become warmongers? We are artists, scientists…explorers and teachers. Wait…you said that you had another of my kind here in your office?’

‘Not in my office, but on the premises, yes.’

‘On what business?’

‘He popped in to give us heads-up about what was going to happen to the Earth, which was very decent of him,’ said Bloch.

‘And you just
allowed
him to continue doing it?’ asked Astrid.

‘Why not? Professor, the SLETVDTC is an intergalactic ethical committee, dedicated to ensuring that all life is treated fairly. But seeing as there was no one from Earth raising any objections, it wasn’t in our jurisdiction to do anything about it.’

‘And so what
did
you do?’ Astrid asked. ‘Just send him away with your blessing so that he could decimate an entire alien species?’

‘Not exactly.’ Bloch adjusted the positions of several piles of papers on his desk, skirting his gaze across the clutter, noticeably avoiding looking into the snake’s eyes. He looked as shifty as they come and I trusted him about as far as I could throw him – which, due to his voluminous girth, would not have been very far. ‘I didn’t send him anywhere…the last I heard he’s still here.’

‘He’s
what?
’ gasped Astrid.

‘His shuttle doesn’t leave for another few days, so the High Council extended him the offer of our hospitality, which he duly accepted as it goes.’

‘His name,’ said Astrid. ‘Tell me his name.’

‘And why would you want to know something like that, Professor?’ asked Bloch.

‘You said that the human needed a name in order to lodge an appeal, did you not? So tell me who this Asclepian is, so that I might have the pleasure of visiting him personally and demanding to know what the hell he thinks he’s playing at!’

I had never seen Astrid so angry and Bloch squirmed in his upholstered seat…

‘You should be familiar with him, Professor,’ he said. ‘After all, he is your father.’

‘
Say that again?
’ said Astrid, breathlessly.

‘The Prime Ambassador’s shuttle arrived the day before yesterday,’ explained Bloch, seeming to take no pleasure from it either. ‘The whole of the Asclepian Prime Command just turned up on our doorstep. Unannounced, I might add! They were causing quite a stir downstairs in reception, demanding an audience with the SLETVDTC High Council.’

‘My father? Here on Puck? For what reason?’ asked Astrid. ‘What could have compelled him to come all this way?’

‘You’ll have to ask him that,’ sighed Bloch. ‘Look…I’ll level with you, okay? This wasn’t my deal. It was all done behind closed doors. The Ambassador and his buddies went into the council chambers with faces like thunder, and came out several hours later looking like they’d just won first prize in a pissing contest! It was the High Council that agreed to sign off on their little…shall we say
redistribution
of the Earth’s population.’

Astrid fell silent. I could see from her expression that the news about her father being on Puck didn’t exactly fill her with sunshine and roses. I couldn’t help but wonder if things had just got a little bit worse for me and my mission.

‘I take it that you won’t vouch for us in front of the High Council then?’ I asked, broaching the subject carefully, reminding everyone why we were there.

‘Well, let me put it like this,’ Arbitrator Bloch said, relighting his cigar. ‘From the moment you three walked into my office I’d already made my mind up that you didn’t have a hope of getting the Asclepians on the stand. They’re all as slippery as a…well, you know.’ A cloud of thick smoke billowed from the Arbitrator’s mouth, masking the expression on his greasy face. The smoke drifted all the way to the ceiling and stayed there for a while like an eavesdropper before tumbling over itself to settle upon the floor. ‘I know the Asclepians of old, and I know the Ambassador of old too…once he sets his mind on something, nothing’s going to stand in his way. I’m sure you can attest to that, Professor.’ Bloch swabbed his fat tongue around the tip of his cigar, coating it with stringy saliva. ‘If I, or anyone else from the SLETVDTC, were seen to officially promote your appeal, it would mean instant career suicide. I’d lose my job, my home, and as my ex-wife is so used to a life of luxury at my expense, it would mean yet more earache from her - and I get far too much of that as it is!’ Bloch took another deep suck on his cigar, blowing the smoke in my direction. ‘So there you go.’

Had I not already been standing, I would have taken that as my obvious cue to leave the office to go and find a dark corner somewhere to sit in and contemplate how best to kill myself. However, before doing that I wanted to give Bloch a piece of my mind.