About Face (Wolf Within) (27 page)

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to burden you with my problems. You’re in pain, and I’m only adding to it. Forgive me.” He turned away from me and gazed out over the gray lake.

I stood rooted to the ground. So many different emotions slammed into me until I wanted to sink to the grass and cower until they left me alone.

Chief among them was doubt of my own motives, my own grasp of the situation. I was such a fucked up mess, how could I interpret anything correctly?

I wished I’d stay in wolf form longer. Had any of us ever stayed that way permanently? Or made that shape the primary and this the one they used only sometimes? That would be a hell of a lot easier. Wolves didn’t murder each other. There were no conspiracies in the grass or the trees or the wind in our fur.

I took a step closer to Jason so our shoulders brushed. I waited for him to move away, but he didn’t. He continued to stare at the lake, which shone silver in the capricious moonlight.

“Don’t you get it, Jason?” I fixed my gaze on the rocky shore and watched small waves lap over the stones then retreat. Waves were the heartbeat of a lake, I thought. Calm for the most part, but bring a storm overhead, and they would lash up into a froth of fury. Beat the stones and sand on the shore into dust.

“You’re everything I ever most admired in my father without the pettiness, the autocratic posturing. But the thing is, I always wanted to please that man, and I never could. I try so hard to please you, but there’s this part of me that won’t trust you because you remind me so much of Paul. I try to brush aside those suspicions, but things keep happening, and I take your silence, your omissions, as a direct betrayal. I don’t know how to stop doing that, especially when it seems as if everyone in my life betrays me over and over again.

“Bonding with Lauren, that really threw me. Of course she’d see the same things in you that I did. She loved Paul. Why wouldn’t she be attracted to someone with the same basic qualities? And now I’m just waiting for you to turn completely into him and ruin everything the way he did.” I clenched my fists until my nails dug into my flesh. “I can’t trust anyone. Every time I try, every time I forgive and tell myself I’m the problem, something else happens, and I have to start all over again. I’m sure you’ve figured all this out by now. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I always have.”

“Your instincts about Paul were correct,” he told me after I’d all but given up the idea he would respond. “But I’m not Paul Benedict. I’m trying to help the Great Pack, not gather power to myself in the guise of pack protection.”

“I want to believe that so much.” The moon went behind a cloud again, and the world was shrouded in darkness, but my night vision allowed me to watch the waves upon the sand.

“I can’t make you believe in me. I can only continue to act in accordance with my conscience and will. You have to make the decision whether your conscience and will are in alignment with mine. Perhaps you’d prefer to simply be a pack member, Alpha someday so you can have a child, content to live the exact sort of life I’m trying so hard to preserve. Or perhaps instead of living that life, you want to dedicate yourself to the idea of it, so others can keep it, and others still to come can have it in their time.

“That’s your choice. But know that if people like me fail, the life you idealize will cease to exist. There will be war, there will be death, and I am certain our Great Pack will be annihilated at worst, driven into hidden corners at best. Small, scattered packs, people existing always in fear and always on the run. Pack First is a deluded ideal doomed to failure.

“Perhaps it won’t occur in your lifetime. Perhaps you have just enough time to seize the opportunity to be one of the last of this generation who can have this life. Or, maybe, you’re out of time and it will be ripped from under you anyway, no matter which route you choose. I can’t give you that answer either.”

He began to walk toward the gravel path that wound its way back to the castle steps. I stood for a moment more and gazed out at the gray lake. It had no answers for me either.

Murphy never called back that night.

Chapter 16

“Thought you might like a drink,” Ryan Kelly pressed a glass of whiskey into my hand and gave me a tentative smile. We were in a small, rectangular chamber off the massive entrance hall of the castle. I sat on the cushions of a window seat overlooking the sweep of the manicured gardens. In the distance to my right I could see the cool gleam of the lake beneath the summer sky.

It was just after five in the afternoon, and we’d spent a grueling day. I’d delivered my story to Councilor Feehery while Jason arranged travel for one of the European Great Councilors who would join the tribunal.

We were in the fact-gathering stage. Glenn Murphy and Ryan had just come back from Dublin, where they’d taken Murphy’s statement. They’d gone to him so Murphy could stay by Fee’s side. As an Advisor to the highest-ranking Great Councilor on the tribunal, that should have been my job, but I was also a witness and the accuser, so my role would be somewhat limited.

I wanted to be allowed to leave once the tribunal got underway, but my hopes were not high.

Glenn Murphy stood by one of the windows, seemingly lost in his own thoughts, and Ryan’s gaze never strayed far from his still figure.

Ryan sat beside me with his own tumbler of whiskey. We were waiting for the arrival of the Great Councilor. Whoever he was, he was high enough in ranking that both Councilor Feehery and Jason had accompanied the driver to the airport to greet him.

I suspected the Councilor was from England and the one Jason had flown overseas with, but I wasn’t sure. Whoever he was, he was no doubt one of the Guardians as well. I only hoped that one day no one would accuse us of railroading Declan Byrne.

Would anyone do that? The death of an Alpha—no, the murder of an Alpha—was a serious thing. It cut to the heart of everything our society stood for. Even though Declan had not wielded the knife, it could be traced back to him. That was enough to create a debt demanding satisfaction. It would likely be enough to blot out any urge in the minds of Councilors on the tribunal to question the validity of how the proceedings were carried out. Still, it made me uneasy.

I took a sip of the blisteringly stiff whiskey and suppressed a gag. Whiskey almost always tasted like paint thinner to me. Murphy said it was an acquired taste, but damn, how long would it take? Would Ryan be offended if I tossed it back like a shot? Before I could make up my mind, he said, “I really admire you, Stanzie.”

Saved by the conversational bell.

“My mother says Paddy thought the world of you.” When he spoke Paddy’s name we both winced. The dark scent of grief gushed from his pores and clogged my senses. I didn’t want to be premature, but I had begun to believe Ryan Kelly, at least, was not part of the underground movement within the Guardians. However, it didn’t preclude him from being a part of flushing out Declan and Mick.

“Your mother?” Did I know her? I cast my mind back over everyone I’d met in Mac Tire so far and couldn’t even make an educated guess.

“Etain,” he supplied when he noted the confusion on my face. “Councilor Feehery. She’s my mother.”

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. I scrambled for a diplomatic answer. Could I trust him after all? Just because Mac Tire was a large pack, it didn’t make it unlike most packs – full of family connections. Could Etain have set up her own great grandfather and used Jason as bait so they could silence Paddy and move Declan in as Alpha? Maybe Glenn Murphy had orchestrated everything. But why? His pregnant daughter was Alpha, but if Paddy was poised to ruin everything, I guess he would have to strike fast and hard. Everything was so convoluted. Nothing made sense. Now Ryan turned out to be Etain’s son as well as Glenn’s Advisor? What role had he played in this drama? Did he have one or was he as confused as me?

My head hurt. Maybe Jason’s theory that neither Councilor was involved and it was all a bid for Declan to become Alpha was the correct one. But, again, how did Declan know to tell Mick to find Paddy at the safe house? Or had he? Perhaps Mick had simply followed Paddy there?

How Mick had gotten past the guard had been explained. He was a member of Mac Tire, and the guard let him in. He hadn’t notified anyone because he’d had no idea Mick was Sorcha’s suspected murderer. Nobody did who wasn’t aware of Pack First and the Guardians.

“I want to be more than just Alpha someday. First I want to be a Regional Councilor just like Glenn, and then I want to be a Great Councilor like Etain.” Real hero worship colored Ryan’s tone, and a stab of jealousy flooded through me. What was it like to have a parent worthy of such regard? And had she fucked that up by setting up Paddy’s murder?

“You believe in everything she does?” I asked. Jason would probably have strangled me for being so blunt, but he wasn’t there.

“About the Guardians, you mean?” Ryan was just as forthright, and I studied him for a moment to try to pinpoint his weaknesses.

He was very attractive. Thick chestnut hair, sexy five o’clock shadow, soulful brown eyes full of grief and a smoldering anger. He would make a good weapon for someone else’s rhetoric. Just like me. It was a disconcerting thought.

“What else?” I took another tentative sip of whiskey. Yep, still tasted like paint thinner.

“I don’t believe we should come out in the open to the Others. I know you don’t.” Ryan’s face was full of passion, and he waved his whiskey glass around for emphasis.

“How do you know that?” I regarded him steadily, and for a moment confusion washed over his expression.

“Oh, come off it. You’re bloody Jason Allerton’s top Advisor. He’s the frigging leader of the Guardians. He started them, didn’t he? He wouldn’t have someone from Pack First working for him.”

Jason had founded the Guardians? He was the leader? Icy prickles of shock jolted down my spine. How could I have been so fucking naive? No wonder he was after the murdering Guardians. They’d betrayed him.

Glenn Murphy didn’t turn from the window, but I was pretty sure he was listening to the conversation.

“I’m not Pack First, Ryan.” When I said it, I knew it was true. I did not want our Pack to come out into the open. I wanted what Jason talked about last night. To continue our existence peacefully the way we had been for generations.

The question was did I want to fight? Did I want to be a Guardian? For one thing, I supported people in the Pack seeking out whatever job they wanted. A college education was not a bad thing and should be offered to more than just a handful of us. Did a high-paying job automatically mean that person was Pack First? Did it preclude membership in the Guardians?

I had so many questions I couldn’t make up my mind what I wanted to do. All I knew is that I wanted the murders to stop.

Ryan’s body sagged in relief and his shoulder brushed mine. I knew we both stole small comfort from each other. Pack were very tactile people. Touch made us feel better. I wanted Murphy desperately. The thought of touching him hurt. Did Ryan have a bond mate he missed, too?

“The Councilor on her way is Pack First.” Ryan’s expression turned dark and brooding.

I gasped. How would this tribunal work if the Guardians wanted to keep this all a secret and yet invited someone who was Pack First to serve on it?

“Not only is she Pack First, she’s spearheading the effort to convince the Great Council that Pack First has the right of it.”

How the hell did he know all this shit? Oh, yeah. His mother was on the Great Council. Nice discretion there, lady.

My estimation of Etain Feehery sank even lower. I’d spent the day telling her my story, and she’d been sympathetic, friendly and completely disarming, but I did not trust her. Not even if she had been the one who had given Jason the photographs and was playing both sides in the Guardians in order to flush out the traitors.

Maybe it was like Jason said, Declan and Grandfather Mick were sacrificed pawns. She hadn’t wanted Jason on her territory. Why? So he couldn’t get any of the credit when she unmasked Mick and Declan? Or because she was afraid Jason would discover she was part of a plot to make her cousin Alpha?

I got to my feet and looked around for a place to ditch my whiskey.

I paused when I heard footsteps on the slate floor of the entrance hall. Three sets. One man wearing leather-soled loafers, two women, both wearing heels.

Ryan sprang to his feet before they arrived, his expression stony.

“Well, Constance, in on yet another death, I see.” Councilor Celine Ducharme strode into the room as if she owned it.

It had been nine months since I’d last seen her, but the sight of her brought the events surrounding our association into resentful focus. Once again the sting of her merciless interrogation pierced me. We might as well be back in the chateau with me accused of murder again.

Fury ignited within me and licked through my body. Without a thought or a shred of self-preservation, I let go of my whiskey glass so I could throw myself at her supercilious, stick-like body and batter her smug face to ruins with my teeth and nails.

However, just as I sprang, a large, hard form collided with me, and my nose connected with Ryan Kelly’s jaw. I saw silver-bright stars and tasted hot blood. My fucking nose was broken, I just knew it.

“Oh, Jaysus, I’m sorry. Sorry,. I saw you drop your glass, and I thought I could grab it before it smashed. Bloody hell, are you hurt bad?” Ryan had me by the shoulders, his fingers dug into my flesh so hard I knew I’d bruise. “What the fuck are you doing, Stanzie?” he hissed into my ear so only I could hear.

All four Councilors were frozen in place like statuary. My watery gaze made out Etain’s, Glenn’s and Jason’s expressions—they were horrified, but Celine Ducharme, the bitch, was smirking.

“My Alpha’s dead and she’s making fucking smart-ass jokes.” My mouth twisted, bitter tears mixed with blood burned my throat. “I fucking hate her so bad. Let me go, Ryan.”

“Will you shut it and calm down?” He squeezed my shoulders so hard I gasped. “Don’t give her any ammunition. Are you crazy, woman?” He whispered in my ear again. He was furious—every line in his body radiated anger. Not directed at me.