Authors: J.P. Barnaby
Aaron (24 page)
“I feel socially retarded. I can’t get a job, I have problems at school, and lately it seems like simple things have started to provoke reactions in me. The only way I can think of to deal with those reactions is to medicate myself into oblivion, and I hate that.” Aaron looked down at his plate rather than looking at Spencer or his father.
A blush rose in his face, making him look even more awkward, and Spencer wanted to tell his father to give Aaron a break, but he sensed they were close to the end. He didn’t want to undermine Aaron’s confidence in the therapy or his new therapist.
“I’d like to end our talk here because there are some things we need to decide on before we go any further. First, I want to work with you on a professional basis, so you need to decide if you want to transfer yourself to my care. If you do, I’d like to start weaning you off the medication that has been prescribed for you. I can’t do that until we have been working together for a while on the tools you will need to work through your crises rather than medicate them. You are legally an adult, so all I need is your consent to transfer your therapy records to my office, but I would strongly suggest you discuss the change with your parents. We would start off with three sessions per week plus exercises for you to do on your own,” his father said, and Aaron’s eyes widened. His breathing accelerated wildly,
and for a second, Spencer feared that maybe he would have another panic attack.“You want to take me off my meds?” Aaron asked, looking a little shell-shocked. “Do you really think I’d be able to handle my… my issues without them?”
“In time, yes, I think you will,” Spencer’s father confided. “There are a lot of different techniques you can use, like the grounding which we used successfully earlier, in order to deal with flashbacks and other psychosomatic crises.”
Aaron knew these were all things he could do in the privacy of his bedroom. For some reason, he didn’t want to share Dr. Thomas with his parents. This was the first therapist he had selected on his own, his first adult decision. He was also a little afraid his parents would disagree, maybe stop him from going to sessions. Aaron’s gut told him trusting this man was the way to go, but then, his gut had steered him horribly wrong before.
“I’d like to start working with you,” Aaron told him, making the decision without any hesitation. If this man believed he could help Aaron start to function like a normal human being again, then the least Aaron could do was give him the opportunity.
“Okay, I’ll get the paperwork together to have your records transferred from your current therapist. The first thing I’d like for you to do is start a journal. You can do it in a written book you’d bring with you, or maybe on your laptop,” Dr. Thomas instructed, taking a few notes in his notebook.
“Is it something you’re going to look at?” Aaron asked, his mind racing through the possibilities of what kind of program he’d want to use. There was no doubt this would be something he’d do on the computer, because he hated writing longhand.
“I will give you directed exercises to write about, or you may want to write about things we’ve talked about in our sessions. This will give you an outlet for that.”
“I can put up a blog and set it so only friends can see the entries. That way, I can also make some of the entries private so no one can see them but me,” Aaron told him with a shrug. The thought of keeping a diary, even an electronic one, wasn’t all that appealing to him, but that glimmer of hope had started to rekindle in the back of his mind. He’d seen that glimmer once or twice before in the first few shrinks, but it soon became apparent they were completely inept when it came to helping him become human again. The hope had not resurfaced again, no matter how many shrinks his parents found for him.
It wasn’t just Dr. Thomas that made him feel hopeful; it was also Spencer. As Aaron looked up at his new friend, who smiled, Aaron felt the last vestiges of his panic and fear subside. It was strange how Aaron seemed to feel calmer with Spencer here after the flashback he’d experienced.
“I think that would work out well,” Spencer’s father said and followed his son into the kitchen, taking plates and glasses. Aaron looked around the large, comfortable room while he waited for them to return. He liked this room. It was light and airy, not oppressive like his bedroom. More than once, he’d wished for the same floor to ceiling windows that covered an entire wall of this room, just to get away from the dark.
making Aaron feel a little uncomfortable. Spencer, however, looked almost… happy.“Aaron, I have decided on your first directed exercise for the blog,” Dr. Thomas said carefully. “Once Spencer has taken you home, I want you to create the blog and send me a link. First, write about how you feel about starting therapy with me, and second….” He paused for a long moment, looking back at Spencer, who smiled. “Second, I would like for you to describe how you believe you were able to touch Spencer immediately after your flashback, when you are seemingly unable to have anyone else touch you.”
Aaron was stunned, and at first he considered the possibility Spencer’s father was lying to him, and then… he looked at Spencer. Where he expected to see pity in Spencer’s eyes, he saw only hope and something he didn’t quite understand. It was the kind of look his mother gave him when he expressed any kind of interest in anything.
“Wait, what? I….” Aaron didn’t need to finish the sentence, because Spencer nodded at him enthusiastically. Closing his mouth, he realized he was still staring at Spencer, who merely smiled at him, affirming he had in fact touched Spencer. It was something he had no conscious knowledge of, and he couldn’t wait to get Spencer in the car so he could ask him about it.
He had absolutely no memory of it. Vaguely, he recalled he wanted Spencer to look at him so he could make his friend feel better. It had been Aaron’s fault, not Spencer’s, that he’d had a flashback. Normal people can tolerate being tapped on the shoulder; there was no way Aaron could let Spencer feel guilty. Spencer was looking down, and that frustrated Aaron because, not only did that cut off their communication, but he found he liked looking into his friend’s face. His eyes expressed every emotion, every reaction, just as if he’d spoken them aloud.
Spencer nodded, and the barest trace of a smile pulled his lips up at the corner. Aaron smiled in spite of himself. Deep down, he had to admit he liked the idea of touching Spencer’s face. He just wished he knew how it had been possible.
As Spencer drove, silence fell over the car, and Aaron became lost in his thoughts. So much had changed about his life in the last few hours, which was strange to him since he still felt like the same damaged person he had been when he left for school that morning. Doctor Thomas had given him so much to think about, including, it seemed, his very first breakthrough.
His mother stopped him with questions about his forehead, startled that something had happened to him. He tried not to think about the last time he’d been hurt when she hadn’t been there. With more patience than he knew he had, Aaron told her he’d cleaned it and dressed it himself. No, he didn’t need her to check it. Yes, he’d put on antiseptic. Finally, he told her he had homework just so he could get away.
When he got up to his room, Aaron quickly pulled out his laptop and sat on his bed. There were hundreds of sites he could use for his blog, but a quick search of his favorite technology reviews narrowed down his options. What he really needed was a site where he could choose to publish some of his entries to registered users and some only for himself. There were just some things Aaron was sure Dr. Thomas would have him write about that the good doctor didn’t need to see.
Aaron found a site that matched his requirements, and it didn’t take long to create the address. It actually took longer to come up with a title and a subtitle than the address. “A Fucked up kind of life,” that just about summed it up. It felt a little strange to use that kind of language when the blog itself was for Dr. Thomas, whom Aaron considered an authority figure, but if it was going to help him, he had to make it his own.
A Light in the Darkness
Posted by Aaron at 8/28/2010 6:43 PM | Add Comment | Personal
Darkness pervades my every thought, my every action. There is nothing, not a single reprieve from the horror that lives inside my head. It has ensconced itself, as surely as if it had been born there. Maybe it had. Had there always been a dark place inside of me, and it merely took that one unspeakable act of violence to unleash it?
“How did your study session with Spencer go?” Aaron’s mother asked him as she came up that night to call him for dinner. Feeling immensely guilty about not sharing his flashback or his talk with Dr. Thomas, he merely replied it had been fine. Her face lit up, and she seemed genuinely pleased he was able to socialize with a friend. Aaron didn’t have any concrete reason to hide his new relationship with Dr. Thomas, but deep down he held onto the belief that seeing this new therapist under his terms without any involvement from his parents would make a difference. That maybe because it was something he was doing for himself rather than something they were doing for him, there would be a positive outcome.
