A Woman Gone Mad (26 page)

T
hings between Nick and me become nearly dismal. The house has been built, and with its completion comes our marriage’s. Only neither of us is ready to leave or voice the truth.

Instead, we continue to live alone together. He occupies one of the other five bedrooms in this monstrosity he calls home.

After we moved in I furnished the house to the nines. I ordered custom-built furniture from around the world and had it shipped in, not because I wanted the furniture but because it pissed Nick off, and getting any kind of reaction from him was better than getting none at all.

I don’t know when it happened but I realize that I’ve become the outcast of our family. Nick and Bella are very close. She has always been Daddy’s girl, so it really shouldn’t surprise me that, at nine, it’s very obvious that she prefers to spend time with him instead of me.

Once I make this startling discovery, I immediately vow to myself to strengthen the bond between Bella and me and go out of my way to bring us closer together. I change positions at work so that I work less hours and can have extra time to spend at home and with Bella.

The only problem is that Bella isn’t ever at home. She has cheer, dance, piano, and soccer practice almost every day after school, and when she isn’t at practice, she’s studying like she’s trying to get into Harvard instead of junior high.

I’ve just dropped Bella off for piano lessons and I’m walking into the kitchen with the groceries for dinner tonight when I see Nick standing at the kitchen island with a crystal tumbler half full of amber liquid, and he’s chugging it down.

“Oh hey, Nick. You’re home early.” Unpacking my groceries and putting them away, I stop when he doesn’t respond. “Everything okay?”

“No everything is not okay. It’s actually quite fucked up.” That word coming from Nick has ice running down my spine.

I set whatever is in my hands on the countertop. “Oh? How so?”

Nick is angrier that I’ve ever seen him. “Where are we at, Lillian? What the hell are we doing?”

His voice is so loud that I’m actually scared of my husband—another first for me. I have to take a few breaths to get my words to come out in a calm manner. “I’m sorry, Nick, but I don’t follow. I’m at home and I’m putting away the groceries. Where are you and what are you doing?”

“I don’t even fucking know anymore. One minute I’m at work and being a faithful husband and then the next thing I know I’ve just had my tongue down the woman’s throat that’s now swallowing my dick.”

The milk carton I’m carrying to the fridge slips from my fingers, hitting the floor and exploding, soaking my linen pants.

“What did you just say, Nicolas James?” He didn’t say what I think he just did. Please, God, make me be losing my mind and tell me I heard him wrong…

“You heard what I just fucking said. I won’t repeat myself!”

Oh my God, he did. He said what I thought he did.

Pain—excruciating, slicing pain—splits my heart into thousands of pieces. I can’t drag air into my lungs; I can’t breathe. The pain has me doubled over, gasping for breath. My mind is foggy and hazy, and all I can see behind my eyelids is my husband standing in front of a woman who is on her knees with his fists in her hair. I don’t even know who this bitch is and I still want to kill her.

Between gasping breaths, I somehow force the words out. “Get. Out. Now.”

“Hell no. I’m not going anywhere. You did this shit, not me. We haven’t had sex in six months and even then you might as well have been yawning or rolling your eyes, Lillian. And this is my house. I’m not going any damn where.”

Gritting my teeth, I spit out, “Clean up the fucking milk. I’m going to take a shower. We’ll talk about this when I’m finished.”

I shower, change into a t-shirt and lounge pants, and pile my hair on top of my head while readying myself for a war that ends up not happening. I pick up the note that’s on the bar and read it.

Gone to get Bella. Piano ended early. –N.

Rage engulfs my whole being. It swells and grows inside me, and I can’t—hell, I don’t want—to reel this shit in. “Fucking piece of shit!” I grab a tall tumbler, fill it with bourbon all the way to the rim, and toss it back before refilling it.

I’m sitting in my Italian leather chair with my feet propped up on the ottoman, working on my third drink, when Nick and Bella come in.

“Hey, Mom.”

“Hey, sweetie. How was your day?”

“It was all right,” she calls out, running up the stairs toward her room. Nick heads in the other direction toward his office while I refill my glass for the fourth time.

I don’t really know what to do. I don’t want to have this fight with Nick when Bella is here, but I also don’t see me having the strength or calm to keep my mouth shut and my anger in check while I play house like a good little wife.

I’ve lost count of how many drinks I’ve have before I finish cooking dinner. Instead of eating, I grab a hidden pack of cigarettes, make my way to the backyard, and sit on a pool lounge chair. I have the decanter half full of bourbon, my tumbler, and my cigarettes as I settle in to wait until the house goes still and dark.

A couple of hours have passed, and I’m watching my breath fog in the chilled air of the night. I can’t feel the bite of the cold though because of the bourbon in my system. Thankfully it’s also made me numb enough to dull the pain that was cracking my chest from Nick’s confession.

I don’t want to break our family up. It’s ours. It may not be perfect and it may be fucked up, but it’s mine.

However, my very next thought is,
How can I get rubbing alcohol into Nick’s contact lens solution without him smelling it and knowing?
I’m in the middle of concocting some pretty genius ideas that will ensure Nick to be in the same world of pain he’s put me in when he comes out of the house holding the cordless phone.

I’m pissed that he even considered to barge in on my happy little pity party, much less think I wanted to take a call so damn late. “Nick, whoever it is, tell them I’m busy.”

“I don’t even know who it is. They asked for you, but other than that, they aren’t making any sense.”

“Shit!”

“I’m sorry, I—” Yanking the phone from his hand makes his words stop.

“Hello?” That was said in the bitchiest way possible too.

“Hey, Lil, it’s Robert.” The phone is jostling and muffles his voice.

“Robert?” Nick cocks his eyebrow like I was the one who got head in the office today and I flip him off.

“Yeah, hey… Look, have you heard from Allen today?”

“No, we ate lunch yesterday but I haven’t heard from him since. Why?”

“I just can’t get ahold of him and I’m worried. I got a text from Matt and Lee but they don’t make any sense.”

This texting conundrum is one I’ve been struggling to understand. “No, what doesn’t make sense is typing to speak. I don’t understand this texting crap. It’s like we’re going backwards, not forward. Anyway, I’ll call his cell phone and try him at his apartment. I’ll have him call you.”

“Lil, I already tried and he didn’t answer either phone.”

“Oh he’ll answer when I call. He knows I’ll beat his ass if he doesn’t.” My laughing doesn’t seem to help calm Robert. If anything, he it makes him more agitated.

“Just find him. Let me know he’s okay.”

A sick feeling twists my insides, and I can’t stop the words from falling from my mouth even though I know that I don’t want to know the answer. “Robert, what did the texts say?”

“It doesn’t fucking matter. Just find him and let me know he’s okay!” His shouting voice breaks several times and it doesn’t help stop the dread creeping into my mind.

If anything, the dread becomes fierce and begins to consume me, and somewhere in the pit of my core, I already know… I’m not going to be able to do what Robert is asking of me.

“All right, Robert.” I hang up before he responds and dial like my life depends on it.

I’ve tried both of Allen’s numbers. When they both go to voicemail, I decide to call Mom and Dad.

I hear my daddy’s happy voice over the phone. “Hello?”

“Daddy, have you seen Allen?” As I speak the words, I say a million prayers, begging for my daddy to tell me Allen’s there.

“No, not today. Why? Is everything okay?” The concern I hear in his voice has words stumbling from my mouth.

“I don’t know. Is Mom there? Has she talked to him?”

“Hang on, sweetie. Let me check.” The phone is muffled but I still hear, “Katie, you talk to Allen today?” After a pause, he says, “No she hasn’t either. Why, Lil? What’s going on?”

“I don’t know. Robert called me—” Call waiting beeps in and it’s Robert. “Hey, Daddy, let me call you back. Try to get ahold of Allen for me. If I do before you, I’ll let you know, okay?”

When I switch over to Robert, the sound of his sob splinters my soul. “Robert, what’s going on?”

“Oh God, Lil… There was an accident. Matt and Lee were following behind…”

No no no no no no no no. “Wait, what? When?”

A cynical laughter echoes through my mind. making goose bumps crawl over my flesh. Then I hear a new, condescending voice,
“Get your head out of your ass,
Lillian,” she sneers.
“Don’t act like an imbecile. You know exactly what’s going on.”

A thousand chills skitter up from my spine to my nerve endings. I immediately begin trying to shove down the dread that is clogging my throat, but I can’t stop myself from gagging.

Robert falls apart on the other end of the line and I lose my patience, screaming into the phone, “Robert! Tell me what the fuck happened! Was he hurt?”

“Earlier… Matt could only text me because the police were taking up phones from the people who were trying to make calls. He just called… On the interstate, there was a pile up, four cars and Allen was on his bike, Lil… Oh God! I don’t… I can’t tell you this, Lilian. You’re like a sister to me, dammit…” His sobs continue chipping away at my self-preservation, killing me over and over.

Then, all of a sudden denial, strong and angry denial starts to build and swell inside me, so great that it overshadows the dread, the fear, the sick twisting in my gut. I’m angry. I’m angry at Allen for not answering his phone. I’m angry at Robert for his lack of concrete evidence. I’m angry at my parents because
I’m
the one who is dealing with all this shit.

“Fucking spit it out, Robert! What!? What hospital did the ambulance take him to? Where the hell is my brother, Robert? FUCKING tell me!”

What Robert says next steals my breath, shatters my anger, and leaves me in pieces. “There weren’t any ambulances, Lil. There were no injuries. Only one fatality. There was a coroner’s van. Matt said that all he saw were men coming out of the back of the van with an empty bag, and when they returned to the van, the bag wasn’t empty. After that, the other cars involved in the pile-up were pulled away and the cops cleared the scene. The only thing that was left was Allen’s mangled green bike.”

“No.” My vision tunnels as I fall back onto the lounge chair, feeling dizzy and weak.

“I’m sorry… Lil I’m so fuckin’ sorry.” Robert’s sobs resound and pierce into my devastated heart. But I still fight. I’m not buying this shit; I refuse to. These assholes don’t know what they are fucking talking about! He’s my brother! I would have felt it if I lost him!

“NO! NO! You’re fucking lying, Robert. Where the hell is he?”

“I don’t know…”

“WHERE IS HE, GODDAMN IT!”

“Lil, I…” I throw the phone, shattering it against the brick pavers that surround the pool.

Nick has me scooped up a second later, wrapping his arms around me and struggling with my dead weight as he carries me into the living room. He lays my convulsing form on the couch. The absolute and stark devastation that is wrecking havoc throughout me has the sobs crawling out of my throat in painful rips. I can’t tell Allen I told you so, because I’ll never see Allen alive again. I’ll never see him blink. I’ll never see him smile or hear him laugh. I’ll never hold my baby brother or be held by him again. He’s gone.

I can vaguely hear Nick on the phone, barking out orders and demanding information, when my cell phone rings. As soon as I hear it, my sick and twisted mind allows a bursting light of hope to soar through me. Even though I know it’s a wasted hope, I still hold on to it as hard as I can. I answer my cell without even glancing at the caller ID. “Allen!?” I choke out.

I hear my daddy let out a heartbreaking cry. “No, sweetie. It’s true. He’s gone.”

“No! No, Daddy. No no no no no no.” Whispering it over and over, I won’t believe this is happening. This can’t be happening—period. I have to see him. “Where’s he at?”

“I don’t know. They wouldn’t tell me.”

“What do you mean they—”

“Shit, Lil, I need you. I need your help. Your mom just took off out the front door. Please come help me. She said she has to meet him before…”

“Okay, I’m coming. I’ll… I’m coming.”

I storm back into the living room where Nick is still dialing and barking and dialing and barking. “Nick, get off the fucking phone. Take me to my parents. Then go drop Bella off at yours.”

“Then what?” Nick’s face is shrouded in fear, but I’m finished with him, with all of it. It just fell so far to the bottom of my priority list that I doubt will ever seen again.

“Then, Nick, I quite frankly don’t give a flying fuck what you do.”