A Will To Change (Hope) (36 page)

Her eyes widened. She reached over the table and grabbed my hand. “Oh no. What happened?”

I bit the inside of my lip to stop the tears. “It just got really complicated.”

She looked at me sadly. “Well, Gabs, I’m not quite sure what was going on between you two, but that boy was a player. He never tried to hide it.”

I let out a nervous laugh. “Yeah, I know.”

She was right. I knew from the start what Will was all about and, for a while, I was perfectly fine with it - until stupid me decided to fall in love with him.

My Dad was waiting for me at the airport. I didn’t know if it was the warm Florida air or if he was starting to lose it, but he actually seemed happy to see me.

“Hey, Will.” He smiled.

“What’s up, Dad?”

“Your mother’s been driving me crazy all day waiting for you to get here. She’s timed it perfectly so dinner will be ready the minute we get back.”

He talked my ear off the entire way to their condo. I grabbed my bag and walked through the pool area. All of the senior citizens that resided there eyed me up like I was some type of alien that didn’t belong there. My father stopped to introduce me to a man and his wife sitting at a table, having a card game. “Herb, this is my son, Will.”

He extended his hand to me. “Oh. Will, the fireman. Your dad talks about you all the time.”

I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. I shook his hand and smiled. “Nice to meet you.”

“I got us all set up to go out on the boat tomorrow,” he said to my dad.

“Yeah, yeah, that’s great. Will, you’re up for it, right?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Okay. 6 a.m.?” he asked

“Sounds good to me,” my dad said.

“Nice meeting you, Will.”

“Yeah. You, too,” I said as we walked off.

My mother was waiting in the doorway, and hugged me in a death grip. “I’m so glad you came to visit, sweetie.” She kissed me on the cheek and gasped when she saw the scar on my arm. My father had told her all about it after that night at the hockey game and I got a half-hour lecture from her on the phone the next day.

We sat down to dinner and my mother began to go on about how she just wanted to be home, while my Dad waved his hand at her, dismissing her complaints. “Will, honey, I made your favorite, red velvet cake, for desert.

“Thanks.” I laughed. Somehow, I always felt like I was eight-years-old again every time I was around my mother.

After dinner, we watched movies for the rest of the night until my mom and dad could no longer keep their eyes open. “There’s nice clean sheets on the bed for you. If you need an extra blanket, it’s in the closet. Your father keeps the air so low, it’s like a freezer in here at night. Good night, sweetheart,” my mother said, giving me a kiss on the cheek.

“Night, Mom.”

It was after midnight and I was wide awake. I stepped onto the patio and took a seat in the lounge chair. The palm trees rustled in the warm breeze and my mind began to wander to Gabby. I pulled out my phone, wondering what she was doing right now. Was she sleeping? Was she working? Was she thinking about me the same way that I had been unable to stop thinking about her? I pulled up her name in my contacts and began to type out a text.

I miss you. I love you. I want to be with you forever.

My thumb skimmed over the SEND button for one brief second before hitting DELETE.

It was a great time out on the boat and, even though we didn’t catch anything, I didn’t regret going. My dad and I took a seat outside at the waterfront restaurant that we stopped off at. “Just tell your mother that we ate on the boat. She’ll have a fit knowing that we went out to lunch without her.”

“No problem,” I laughed as I took a sip of my beer.

“I had a really nice time today,” he said.

“Yeah. Me, too. That’s a beautiful boat he has.”

“Yes, it is. I’m trying to talk Jamie into getting one, but he doesn’t want any part of it. I think Hope doesn’t want him to get one.”

“Ah, women!” I shook my head and laughed.

“Speaking of women, how’s Gabby doing?”

Oh fuck. Why did I have to open my big mouth?!
“She’s fine, I guess.”

The smile that was on his face quickly disappeared. Obviously, I wasn’t as good at hiding my emotions as I thought. “Is that why you’re here?”

“What?”

“Because of her?”

I looked out at the water and took a deep breath before turning my attention back to him. “Yeah. I just needed time to get away and think about everything.”

“Think about what?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Why I’m so fucked up? Why I’m so afraid to let her into my life in that way. Lots of things.”

My dad lifted his beer up to his lips and took a sip. “Well, how does
she
feel?”

“Right now, she’s pissed at me. Doesn’t even want to be friends. I can’t blame her. She wanted to take it to the next level and I told her ‘no’, then I flip out when I see her with other guys.”

“Why didn’t you want to, Will? She’s a great girl. I don’t get it.”

“Because, Dad, I don’t know if I could measure up and be the guy that she deserves. I was scared to death of losing her if I slept with her, and I ended up losing her anyway.” I sighed heavily. “Gabby… She’s different. I feel like I can tell her anything. She’s always there for me and I’m there for her, but when it comes to sleeping with her, I get like a scared teenager who’s never had sex before.” I shook my head in confusion. “I don’t know what it is about her that does that to me.”

My father chuckled. “That, my boy, is called love. It sounds like she loves you, too.” I shrugged my shoulders. “So what the hell is the problem?”

I shook my head and looked down at the table. I never let my dad know how much his disappointment in me bothered me. I always played it off like it wasn’t a big deal. “I don’t want to screw it up with her. She deserves the best, and I just feel like I always let everyone down. You. Mom -”

He held up his hand. “You never let me down, Will. I told you before that I’m proud of you. It’s my own fear that made me behave that way with you and I’m sorry. Your mother and I are very proud of the man that you’ve become. Don’t let some adolescent fear ruin your future. You know how many times I’ve screwed up with your mom and did something to piss her off after forty-three years of marriage? Lots! There are days that we fight like cats and dogs, but we love each other and that’s what’s gotten us through all the hard times. No relationship is perfect and no matter how hard you try, you’re bound to do something to mess up, but don’t let that stop you from the whole experience of falling in love. You know when I realized for the first time that I wouldn’t have traded my life for anything?”

I shook my head, waiting for his response.

“We were sitting in church and Jamie had snuck in one of those handheld video games under his jacket. The two of you were sneakily playing with it, and just as the priest got done giving his sermon, the game came on as loud as day and said ‘game over’.” A smile stretched across his face. “Your mother was mortified. There was dead silence and everyone was staring at you and your brother. Then you blurted out of nowhere, ‘Bless me father for I have sinned’. Needless to say, you gave everyone, including the priest, a good laugh. That crazy moment made me realize that I was blessed. Don’t deny yourself of having that moment with your own family someday, Will. Tell her how you feel. Don’t be afraid.”

“Yeah, well, she won’t even return my calls. So…”

“Then stop calling her. When you get back, go and see her face-to-face.”

I ran my hand through my hair and looked out at the water. “Yeah, maybe.”

“No maybe, Will. Just do it!”

My mom was disappointed that neither of us were hungry when we got back. My dad chuckled behind her back. “Don’t you tell her,” he whispered just before losing his balance and landing on the couch.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I think I’m being punished for lying to your mother. I’m not feeling so good. I think it’s a mixture of that cheeseburger and too much sun.”

“Why don’t you go lay down?”

He grabbed my arm and pulled me down on the couch as all of the color drained from his face. Gasping for air, he took my face in his hands. “Wi…Will…I love you -.” His voice staggered off as he closed his eyes and slouched over.

“Dad!” I screamed as I shook him.

Panic was setting in. I could feel myself breaking out in a sweat. This was my job, what I was trained to do, so why was I drawing a complete blank right now?
Snap out of it!
Finally, the adrenaline started kicking in. I moved him down to the floor and began giving him chest compressions.

“Will! What…what’s going on?” my mother cried as she looked down at my dad on the floor.

“Call 911.” She stood there, frozen. “Mom, do it now!” I snapped, finally breaking her from her trance.

“Come on, Dad!” I screamed as I relentlessly performed CPR, each time hoping that I would hear some type of heart rhythm as I placed my ear on his chest. Even though I knew it was too late, I continued until the paramedics arrived and took him to the hospital, where they officially pronounced him dead. It just all seemed so surreal. One minute I was talking to him and the next, he was gone. I was completely numb, trying my best to calm my mother down. Luckily, my aunt and uncle didn’t live far away and were at the hospital in minutes to help console her. I was still in shock, feeling like it was a dream that I was going to wake up from. I pulled it together the best I could and called my brother.

“Hey, are you trying to pick up the old ladies down there?” Jamie joked as he answered the phone.

My stomach clenched. I wasn’t sure if I was even going to be able to get the words out. “Jamie…” I could hear my voice cracking as I tried my best to regain my composure.

“What’s the matter, Will?” he asked, all the humor leaving his voice.

“Dad had a heart attack. He’s gone.” There was dead silence and I was sure he was just as shocked as I was. “I tried to…but I just couldn’t save him, Jamie.” My eyes began to burn, remembering his very last words.

He cleared his throat and took a deep breath. “Where’s Mom?”