A Whole Nother Story (5 page)
Read A Whole Nother Story Online
Authors: Dr. Cuthbert Soup
“I don’t know, but they also know that you had leftover birthday cake and chocolate milk for breakfast,” said Olivia.
“Uh . . . yes,” said Ethan, who was known to have something of a sweet tooth. “I did have cake for breakfast. We were . . . all out of toast. As for the chocolate milk . . .”
“That’s not important,” said Olivia. “What is important is that they seem to know all about the LVR. Which means we have to be very careful to protect it.”
This was Ethan and Olivia’s first indication that they were on to something big. Something that could be used for either immense good or unspeakable evil, depending on who ended up with it. And everyone, it seemed, wanted to end up with the LVR.
For the next couple of days, everywhere Ethan and Olivia went they felt as though they were being followed. And they weren’t the only ones. As the children walked to school, a long black sedan drove slowly along the curb about fifty yards behind them. Inside the car sat Misters 5, 29, 88, and 207.
“Well? Shall we nab ’em?” said Mr. 207 to Mr. 5, who was watching the children through high-powered binoculars.
“Nab them? Are you out of your mind? We can’t afford to draw that kind of attention to ourselves. I swear, if it weren’t for the fact that your uncle is Mr. 3, you’d be out on the street.”
“Maybe I’ll tell my uncle what you just said,” Mr. 207 said smugly.
“Interesting,” said Mr. 5, ignoring the threat. “Those earmuffs. I’ve never seen anything quite like them.”
When Mr. Cheeseman first presented Jough with the earmuffs, made of a dark metal with a thin, coiled antenna protruding from each earpiece, Jough objected to having to wear them, thinking the other kids at school might make fun of him. Mr. Cheeseman argued that kids might be more likely to make fun of him if he were always falling down.
Jough considered this and agreed to wear the earmuffs on a trial basis. He found, to his surprise, that the children at his school were understanding and thoughtful to the point that none of them made fun of his odd-looking earmuffs.
“Look at those things. They look ridiculous,” said Mr. 207, who lacked such thoughtfulness and understanding. “Kids today will put anything on their heads.”
As Jough, Maggie, and Gerard neared the school, Jough stopped and turned around.
“What is it? What’s wrong, Jough?” Maggie asked.
“I don’t know,” said Jough. “I just had a strange feeling. Like someone was spying on us.”
“But we’re just a bunch of normal kids,” said Gerard. “Why would anybody want to spy on us?”
Jough shrugged. “You’re right. Must be my imagination.”
I
NGREDIENTS
1 acorn squash
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons firmly packed brown sugar
1.2 teaspoon cinnamon
1.8 teaspoon cloves
Two dozen frosted doughnuts
I
NSTRUCTIONS
Preheat oven to 375°F.
Cut squash in half lengthwise and remove fibers and seeds. Add butter, brown sugar, cinnamon, and cloves to the hollow scoop of each squash half. Place upright in the pan and roast for 20 to 30 minutes or until tender.
Remove squash from oven and place in garbage disposal.
Eat doughnuts.
Serves one.
T
hat Saturday, just three days after Agents El Kyoo and Aitch Dee first appeared on the Cheesemans’ doorstep, a small brown car pulled up in front of the house. Behind the wheel of that little brown car was Pavel Dushenko, international superspy, his highly trained and highly puffy eyes locked on the small white house. Sitting next to him in the passenger seat was Leon, who had no last name. He had no last name because he was a chimp. This is not a way of saying he was a person lacking in refinement but rather a way of saying he was a chimpanzee, an ape.
Years earlier, while Pavel was on a secret mission in Khartoum, Leon saved his life. It all happened when Pavel slipped and fell out of a boat while traveling down the White Nile and was attacked by an angry hippopotamus, which, incidentally, is the worst type of hippopotamus by which to be attacked.
As the portly animal swam toward the equally portly superspy, the clever monkey cupped his hairy hands around his equally hairy mouth and shouted from the bank of the river, in perfect hippo, “Don’t eat him. He’s poisonous,” which was potentially true considering that Pavel’s diet included no fewer than three daily servings of ham.
Regardless, the hippo fell for the trick and Pavel was pulled, with great effort, back into the boat.
When he returned to his native country, Pavel brought his new friend with him, along with the idea that a highly trained chimp just might be the perfect complement to an international superspy. After all, Leon could climb over and under things that Pavel, with his ample waistline, could not. And in addition to his ability to speak perfect hippo, Leon could also do impressions of many other animals.
With great accuracy he could imitate: dogs, cats, donkeys, cows (both Holstein and Guernsey), lions, leopards, yaks, grizzly bears, polar bears, mole rats, baboons, hyenas, more than two hundred types of birds, and, on a good day, Jack Nicholson.
Pavel relied upon and trusted Leon more than any human he had ever met, which is why he allowed Leon to travel with his pet goldfish wherever they went, despite the fact that having a ten-gallon fish tank in the backseat of the car made the entire vehicle smell like low tide.
The three fish, named Goldie, Orangey, and Pete, were a birthday gift from Pavel to the monkey that had saved his life. They swam happily around the tank, which was plugged into the car’s cigarette lighter in order to power the filter that kept the water clean, and the lights that enabled Leon to watch his little friends. This was something Leon could do for hours on end. The floor of the tank was decorated with brightly colored pebbles and was outfitted with several plastic trees and a miniature plastic replica of the Parthenon. The fish, Pete in particular, seemed to enjoy swimming in and out of the grooved plastic columns.
“We must get our hands on the LVR, Leon,” said Pavel, speaking in his native tongue.
“Woo woo whaa,” said Leon, speaking in his native chimp with a distinct lower east side Khartoum accent.
“Yes, you are right,” said Pavel. “We will succeed simply because we are the best in all of world. We will get LVR by using incredible intelligence.”
Leon showed that he was in full agreement by screaming and hitting himself repeatedly on the head.
Thirty minutes before that little brown car carrying an international superspy, a linguistically talented monkey, and three fishy-smelling fish pulled up in front of the Cheese-man house, Ethan and Olivia had gone off to a dinner party, the kind to which children are not invited. This was just fine with Jough, Maggie, and Gerard because the highlight of these so-called parties was something grown-ups like to call
conversation.
And so the children happily remained at home and ate pizza, with Jough taking very seriously his temporary role as man of the house.
“Gerard, get your gum off the table.”
His focus completely dedicated to the large slice of mushroom pizza before him, Gerard, without looking, removed the avocado-sized glob of chewing gum from the table and stuck it to his forehead.
“That’s disgusting,” said Maggie.
“Where else should I put it?” Gerard mumbled.
“How about the garbage can?”
Before Gerard could begin to explain how much time and effort it had taken to amass such an impressive wad of bubble gum and how foolish it would be to simply throw it away, the doorbell rang.
“I’ll get it,” said Jough in his man-of-the-house voice, a full octave lower than his regular voice. “You guys wait here.”
Jough walked to the living room and looked through the peephole, where he saw, standing on the porch, a chubby man with puffy eyes holding what appeared to be a very large vacuum cleaner with a very large hose, perhaps ten inches in diameter. When Jough opened the door, he noticed that, standing next to the man, was a chimp.
“Good evening,” said Pavel Dushenko, in the best English he could manage. “My pet minkey and I would like to demonstrate for you this dirt-sucking machine, which you will find to be very good and also not bad.”
“That’s okay,” said Jough. “The . . . dirt-sucking machine we have works pretty well.”
“Yes, maybe. But this one is very much more powerful,” said Pavel. “You see here my friend Leon?”
Right on cue, Leon performed a curtsy, brief but with such aplomb as to be fitting for an audience with the queen.
“Yes,” said Jough. “I see him.”
“And do you see also his twin brother?”
“No, I don’t,” said Jough, looking from side to side. Leon also looked from side to side and shrugged.
“And do you know why that you do not see him?” asked Pavel.
“Uh . . . because he’s not here?”
“Because he got very too close to this machine.
Whoomph.
Just like that, no more twin brother for Leon. Now, if only we could come inside your home and demonstrate—”
“I’m sorry,” Jough interrupted. “My parents aren’t home. Anyway, I don’t think we really need a vacuum powerful enough to suck up a monkey.”
“Is okay,” Pavel countered. “Machine has many multiple settings. From musk ox all the way down to muskrat.”
“We don’t have any muskrats that need vacuuming either. Thanks anyway,” said Jough as he pushed the door shut and locked it.
“Hmm,” said Pavel dejectedly. “Brilliant plan to vacuum up LVR one piece at a time was perhaps not so brilliant.”
Leon put his hands on his little monkey hips and shook his head.
“Who was it?” asked Maggie when Jough returned to the dinner table.
“Just a door-to-door salesman. And a monkey.”
“What?” gasped Gerard. “A guy came to the door selling monkeys and you didn’t buy one?”
“He wasn’t selling monkeys. He was selling vacuum cleaners. The kind that can suck up a musk ox.”
“What’s a musk ox?” said Gerard, his face scrunched up in confusion. It was the scrunching of his face that caused the glob of bubble gum on his forehead to fall off onto his pizza.
“Congratulations,” said Maggie. “You’ve just invented bubble gum–mushroom pizza.”
“Cool,” said Gerard.
As Pavel and Leon walked back toward the little brown car, lugging the giant dirt-sucking machine behind them, they were only partly surprised to find Agents El Kyoo and Aitch Dee waiting for them, leaning against the fender.
“Well, well, well,” said Aitch Dee, his arms folded across his chest.
“Well, well, well, well,” replied Pavel, not to be out welled.
“Look what we have here,” said Aitch Dee, turning to El Kyoo. “Did you get a report of a couple of monkeys escaping from the zoo today?”
“No,” said El Kyoo. “It was one monkey and one baboon, I believe.”
Aitch Dee nodded and thought for a moment about smiling but quickly fought off the urge.
“Ha-ha. You are making me laugh so difficultly,” said Pavel, who probably meant that El Kyoo was making him laugh so hard. Either way, he was not laughing at all and probably meant whatever he meant in the most sarcastic way possible.
“What are you up to, Dushenko?” El Kyoo demanded in an unwavering tone.
“What? We are only trying to make honest living, selling dirt-sucking machines door for door.”
“You’re here illegally and we’re going to take you in and have you brought up on charges of espionage.”
“Espionage?” scoffed Pavel. “That is ridiculous. I have my rights.”
“You have the right to remain silent,” said Aitch Dee as he took Pavel by the elbow. Pavel turned to Leon and shouted, “Musk ox!”
Leon quickly turned the setting on the large dirt-sucking machine to
musk ox
. With the sound of a jet engine, the machine fired up. Immediately the suction from the great hose drew in Aitch Dee’s head with a resounding
whoomph.
If he had been a monkey, or a minkey for that matter, he would certainly have been sucked into the machine, never to be heard from again. Thankfully, his head was much larger than a monkey’s, so the machine only swallowed his toupee, which, up to that point, had been a very well-kept secret.
El Kyoo yanked on the hose but only succeeded in pulling Aitch Dee around by the crown of his now-bald head.
“Turn it off!” yelled Aitch Dee in his usual steady voice, only louder. “Turn it off!”
In the meantime, Pavel and Leon were using the commotion as a chance to hop into their little brown car. As they sped away, Pavel leaned on the horn, stuck his head out the window, and yelled, “So very long, losers. See you next time.”
Leon stuck his head out the opposite window and yelled, “Whaa whee waaah!”
As the car sped away, the goldfish sloshed happily around in the backseat.
