A Walk in Heaven (21 page)

Memories of his first wife engulfed him. Pain clenched his chest and brought him to his knees. Careen was just like Emma. He refused to have history repeat itself.

Angrily Joshua marched out of his bedroom and headed toward hers, stopping right in front of Matthew’s old room. With raised hand, Joshua was prepared to pound on the door, but hesitated. He couldn’t confront Careen yet. It was too late in the evening, and he needed to think on this and let his anger simmer.

He breathed deeply and pressed his head against the door. Closing his eyes, he tried to calm his fury. There had to be some excuse for all of this. All women couldn’t be like Emma. Could they?

From inside the room, Careen’s coughs echoed like cannon blasts.
Worse, in fact, than it had been yesterday.
Each cough grew louder, as if she were coming to the door –

He jerked away just as it opened. Careen stood in her nightdress and wrapper. Her hair hung down her shoulders. She gasped when she saw him,
then
began coughing again.

“Forgive me for disturbing you so late at night,” he grumbled.

She shook her head. “I was heading downstairs for something to eat. I’m a little hungry.”

He swept his hand in front of him and mocked a bow. “Don’t let me keep you, then.”

“Joshua? Is something wrong?” She crinkled her forehead.

He was certain the tone of his voice had been sharp, but given what he’d just read, who could blame him? He must say something or his anger – and betrayal – would gnaw out his stomach, to be sure. “Actually, there is. Do you have a few moments to talk?
In private?”

Frowning, she studied his face before nodding. “I suppose we can talk down in the parlor. Everyone has gone to bed so I’m sure we won’t be disturbed.”

He turned and led the way, marching down the stairs and to the room. When they were both inside, he closed the door as she lit the lamp.

“What is it, Joshua? The expression on your face has me quite concerned.”

“As it should,” he snapped. His boots ate the space between them until he stood almost nose-to-nose with her. “I received a letter from South Dakota today.”

Her already pale face lost even more color. Even the dark circles under her eyes were more prominent.
“From Pierre?”

“Yes.”

“What…what kind of news did you receive?” She coughed again, covering her mouth with the handkerchief she carried.

“It’s from the sheriff. He told me about what happened the day Matthew died –
everything
that
happened.”

Her throat jumped in a hard swallow as she sank to the nearest chair. “What did he say?” She rubbed her forehead, glistening with perspiration.

“Careen,” Joshua grumbled as he swiped his fingers through his hair. “Tell me truthfully for once. Was Luther the man who shot my brother?”

Tears gathered in her eyes as she lowered her gaze to her lap, watching her fingers twist the white lace-trimmed handkerchief. “Joshua, you don’t understand…”

“Then make me,” he retorted. “Tell me why you lied to me.”

His heart broke all over again. He’d been frustrated just like this when he’d learned of Emma’s deception. Although he’d never really loved his wife the way he should, it still tore his soul apart to know she hadn’t been honest with him. Just like now.

“It’s…complicated.” Her tears streamed down her face. “Don’t you see? I couldn’t tell you.” A fit of coughs racked her body, lasting several seconds. Her chest rattled when she breathed, and with each cough, her body visibly weakened. She stood and moved toward the
door,
still sounding like her body would fall apart at any moment. Before she reached the door, she collapsed.

Joshua lay awake listening to
Careen’s
coughs echo through the house. Why had he insisted on speaking with her last night? Guilt ate at him each time he heard her rattled-breathes.

He had woken his mother and then carried Careen back to her bedroom. Ma and Betsy had been in there since last night.

During the day while he worked on the ranch, he couldn’t stop thinking about the letter and about when he’d finally get some answers. Although Careen’s health worried him, he knew his Ma would make Careen well. His mother had a gift for healing.

The grandfather clock down the hall chimed one in the morning. Joshua groaned and rolled out of bed. He’d be better off sleeping in the stable. At least he’d be with his own kind, since he’d been acting like an animal’s hind-end lately. Was it so much to ask that the ones he loved were honest with him?

He threw on his trousers and boots,
then
stomped out of the room. Just then the door to
Careen’s
room opened and out limped Peter.

Anger and jealousy reared
it’s
ugly head and ran amuck inside Joshua.
What’s Peter doing in her room?

Peter stopped suddenly when his gaze rested on Joshua. His younger brother’s eyes widened with curiosity. Rage grew inside Joshua as the seconds passed by in silence and it was all he could do not to grab his brother and shake him senseless. Peter didn’t even have the gall to appear embarrassed.

Two long strides later, Joshua stood nose-to-nose with his brother and grasped the front of his shirt. “What were you doing in Careen’s room?” he growled, battling irritation.

Peter scowled and yanked free, pushing Joshua back. “Down boy – and stop
baring
your teeth, or I’ll mistake you for a rabid dog.” He straightened his shirt, rolling his eyes. “I’m helping Ma and Betsy.”

Another one of Careen’s coughing fits came from inside the room.

Peter motioned his head toward the door. “Careen has pneumonia.”

“Are you sure it’s pneumonia?”

“Yes. Ma just confirmed it. She’ll send for a doctor once the sun is up. Until then, she and Betsy are in there applying Ma’s poultices. She asked me to fetch more water.
That
is why I was in her room.”

Worry pitched inside of Joshua, battling with his conscience. He couldn’t be upset at her when she was this sick, could he? Emma’s betrayal burned deep within him, burning the logic he tried so desperately to grasp when someone’s honesty was in question.

Joshua nodded. “Forgive me for snapping at you. I’m tired.”

“No kidding. Next time try not to be so obvious.” Peter brushed by Joshua as he hobbled on his crutch down the hall.

After Peter disappeared into his room, Joshua paced the floor in front of Careen’s door. Her coughing grew louder, heavier, and he scolded himself for thinking inappropriate thoughts when Peter came out of her room. Then again, since the first day of meeting her, Joshua hasn’t been acting himself.

The door squeaked open and he jumped. Ma stepped out carrying her herbal concoctions. She smiled when she saw him. Fatigue pulled on her expression as she gave him a hug.

“Oh, my dear.
I’m sorry if we kept you awake.”

“Ma, why didn’t you tell me before now how sick she was?”

His mother shrugged. “You and Gage have enough to worry about with the ranch. I didn’t want to trouble you.”

“Is…she going to be all right?”

“Of course.
It’s not the first time I’ve treated this, and it won’t be the last.” She patted his cheek. “Go to bed and get your rest. Careen will be well before you know it.”

“Ma, how can you be so positive when you know people die from this all the time?”

“Josh, Careen is young and strong, and the Lord is watching over her. I’m sure she’ll pull through. But...”

“But what?”

His mother shook her head. “I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about her attitude. I’m certain it’s because she’s sick and tired of coughing, yet sometimes it seems she’s…giving up.”

“Giving up?” His voice lifted in panic. “Like…she wants to die?”

Tears gathered in his mother’s eyes and she nodded. “I pray I’m wrong, but that’s how Careen has been acting today. It’s like her heart is broken and she doesn’t have the spirit to keep fighting.”

Something inside Joshua squeezed his heart, making it hard to breathe. Was
he
the reason Careen felt like giving up?
Of course.
Look at the way he judged her so harshly, and threw accusations at her. She must have a reason for not wanting him or the family to know about Luther, and like a fool, Joshua wouldn’t let her explain. He condemned
her a
liar before giving her a chance. Groaning, he scrubbed his hands over his face. He needed to talk to her and tell her all would be made right.

“Don’t fret, son. Just pray. The Lord will help her – and us. We must believe.”

Joshua nodded and headed back toward his room, he tried not to let guilt weigh on his conscience. He’d held deep feelings for Careen before he discovered her secret. She could be dying, and it was his fault. It was hard to admit how wrong he’d been about her. How could she come to the ranch knowing who had really killed Matthew, and not have told any of them?

And now…Luther was on the loose. He wanted Careen for her inheritance, she’d told Joshua while they were at the cabin during the snowstorm. If that were the case, her cousin would undoubtedly try to find her. Luther would take her back to Iowa by force and marry her. If Careen knew this, why was she still here at their ranch putting his family in danger?

Bits and pieces of her actions made sense to him now. That’s the reason she kept trying to pull away from him – trying to tell him that kissing her was wrong. She must have known she wouldn’t be here long.

All of that didn’t matter right now. Joshua must encourage Careen to recover. One way or another, he must put aside his doubts and help her fight to live. Even though she’d hurt him.

* * * *

Another twenty-four hours passed and Careen wasn’t getting any better. From the sounds of her coughs echoing into Joshua’s room, her illness had worsened. He hadn’t been sleeping well since his talk with his mother, and at two o’clock in the morning, he climbed out of bed, threw on his trousers and shirt before leaving his room.

Standing outside Careen’s room listening to her rugged coughs brought a hollow feeling to his chest. He placed his palm on the door and leaned his forehead against the wood. With eyes closed, he muttered a prayer that the Lord would help Careen through this sickness, and especially
help
Joshua to forgive and forget.

The last part of his prayer was probably harder to accomplish than the first part.

He knocked softly. “Careen?”

He listened and didn’t hear anything but her coughs, so he tried again. “Careen? Can I come in for a moment?”

Faintly, she called his name. He opened the door and stepped inside. Through the slit in the curtains, the moonlight highlighted her on the bed. But something was different.

Joshua stepped closer. She clutched the blanket to her chin as her whole body shook. Weak eyes stared at him while her lips trembled.

“Joshua…I’m so…cold.”

He rushed to her side and gathered her in his arms, pressing his mouth against her forehead. “Careen, you’re as hot as fire!”

“No…I’m c-c-cold.”

His heart sank. “Sweetheart, your fever is out of control. I need to send someone to fetch the doctor so we can bring it down.”

“Don’t leave me.” Her voice broke.

“Oh, Careen.” Tears burned his eyes as he fought to keep them at bay. He hugged her against him tighter and kissed her cheek. “We need to bring your fever down.”

“No,” she said weakly. “I’m a terrible person. This is God’s way of punishing me.”

His gut wrenched with guilt as the ache in his chest worsened. “Don’t say that.” He swept her hair away from her face. “Careen, don’t give up on me. We need you here. I…need you.”

“No, you don’t.”

His heart broke that much more. “Believe me sweetheart, I really do.”

She struggled to meet his gaze as her eyelids kept drifting close. “Go get Betsy. She’ll…know what to do.”

“Promise me you’ll hold on?”

“Y-y-yes.”

He kissed her again, wrapped the blanket around her tighter,
then
hurried out of the room toward the servant’s floor. When he reached Betsy’s room, he pounded on the door. A few minutes passed before it opened with a sleepy-eyed woman peeking around the door at him.

“I need your help.” He grasped her hand. “Careen’s fever has spiked high. There’s no time to fetch the doctor.”

Her eyes widened and she nodded. “Let me dress and I’ll be there soon.”

Joshua gave her a nod,
then
fled back up the stairs to Careen’s room. When he entered, he rushed to her side. Her eyes were closed, her head tilted back in an awkward position.

“No!” He scooped her in his arms and gently shook her. “Careen, wake up!” Closing his eyes, he pressed his forehead against her, praying in his heart that she would be all right.

“What’s going on?” his mother’s voice said as she ran through the door.

“Ma, she’s unconscious, I think. Her fever is terribly high.” His voice broke.

Elizabeth placed her hands on Careen’s face, and groaned.
“Oh, dear Lord.
Help us!”

“Ma, before Careen lost conscious, she told me to fetch Betsy. Her servant will know what to do. I fear if we have someone ride out to get the doctor, it might be too late.”

“I agree.”

Within seconds, Betsy ran in the room and over to
Careen
. Once Betsy’s hands were on Careen’s skin, she mumbled under her breath.

“What can we do to help?” Joshua asked.

“We’ll need ice – lots of it.” She looked at Elizabeth. “If we run out, we’ll need cold water.
And cloths.
Lots of cloths.”
She turned her focus to Joshua. “And you’ll have to leave.”

“Why?” Anger rose inside him. How dare she tell him he had to leave? He couldn’t…he wouldn’t!

“Mr. Grayson,” Betsy continued, “we’ll need to strip off her clothes and place the ice and wet rags around her body. That’s the only way to bring the temperature down.”

Elizabeth touched his shoulder. “She’s right, Josh. The way you can help now is by waking the rest of the family and praying.”

He knew Ma was right, but he still had a hard time pulling away from Careen. He slowly left her room and went around the house to waken the others. He let his twins rest, since they were young and didn’t need to fret over Careen this way. Everyone met in the parlor, and William offered up a prayer.

Joshua struggled with his feelings. All of this was his fault. He should have kept her at the cabin longer. He shouldn’t have blamed her when he’d received the letter from South Dakota. And most importantly, he should have loved her more – unconditionally. Christ like love. But Joshua hadn’t, and she may be upstairs dying because of him.

Not too long ago, he’d been thinking of asking Careen to marry him. At the cabin, they’d grown close, and when he worried about her freezing to death then, he had realized life was meant to me lived – embraced. Why had he changed his mind about her? And for the love of God, why hadn’t he given her time to explain about Luther? Plain and simple, Joshua felt as if he were experiencing the heartache of losing his first wife to the sin of deceit, and he didn’t want to lose Careen the same way.