A Vow to Love (16 page)

Brandon Halloran sighed heavily. "That boy always did have a head that was hard as a rock. Don't you worry, girl. I'll think of something."

Penny chuckled despite herself. "That's what I'm afraid of."

Before she could try to prevent him from getting involved any more deeply than he already was, her grandfather hung up on her. He didn't even say goodbye. Obviously, he was too busy scheming to worry about the social amenities. That worried her almost as much as thinking of Sam back on the streets again.

U
nable to sleep after her conversation with her grandfather, Penny was up and out of her apartment before dawn. Even so, she found Didi already in the lab, bent over a microscope. She didn't even look up when Penny came in.

"Is this typical of the kind of hours you put in?" Penny asked, pouring herself a cup of the coffee Didi had already brewed.

"I had a brainstorm in the middle of the night and I wanted to get in here early to check it out. What about you?" She glanced at Penny. "Or do I need to ask?"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means you have that wide-awake-all-night-thinking-about-Sam look and the circles under your eyes to go with it."

"Actually, I have that up-all-night-thinking-of-waysto-stop-my-grandfather-from-meddling look."

"What's he done now?"

"Nothing in the last eight hours or so, but he's scheming. At approximately 12:30 a.m., he promised that he would think of something to get Sam and me back together. I was supposed to be reassured by that."

Didi glanced up from her microscope and regarded Penny wistfully. "You're lucky. I wish somebody would take my social life in hand."

"Trust me, what you need is a social secretary, not a meddling grandfather."

"I'm not so sure about that. At least he thinks he knows what's right for you. I haven't the vaguest idea what's right for me. I just have people pulling me in different directions."

To her surprise, Penny heard a genuine note of dismay in Didi's voice. She even thought she detected the telltale shimmer of tears in her eyes. Worried by what she saw, Penny pulled up a stool and sat down.

"Okay, talk," she instructed briskly. "You've listened to me enough. It's my turn now. I can't promise advice the caliber of Dear Abby's, but I'll give it my best shot."

Didi shrugged. "There's nothing to say."

Penny rolled her eyes. "For a woman who thinks nothing of dissecting my relationship with Sam, you're awfully tight-lipped about your own feelings. At last count, you'd had three proposals and one big-time proposition for a long-term affair in Tahiti. Or was it Bali? Anyway, all that was in a single week. What you failed to mention was whether you cared about any of the men involved. In fact, I'm not even sure I've ever heard you mention their names. So, what's the deal?"

"Sure, I care," she said readily. "I care about all of them. They're great guys."

"Let me rephrase that," Penny said with exaggerated patience. "Are you in love with any of them?"

"Yes. No." Didi sighed. "Hell, I don't know. Let's not talk about this. The timing on this experiment is critical."

"So's your life." Penny's gaze narrowed. "You're afraid, aren't you?" she said. She recognized all the signs. She'd read them in Sam's expression often enough.

"Sure," Didi confirmed readily enough. "I'm afraid of commitment. My whole life, I've set my own worth based on what other people thought of me. I've turned into an approval junkie. What if I choose one guy and his approval isn't enough? What if I'm always looking for more ways--translate that as affairs--to bolster my self-esteem?"

Penny wondered if Sam faced the same quandry. It would make sense. A boy abandoned by his father, a boy whose mother hadn't cared enough about him to survive the father's leaving, wouldn't that boy always be searching for approval, even as a man?

So, maybe Sam's fears went beyond abandonment. Maybe he simply understood his own constant search for recognition and acceptance and feared that the love of just one woman wouldn't be enough. With every day that passed, she realized she was gaining more insights into the barriers that stood between them. She also realized what tremendous hurdles they were. She prayed for the strength to overcome them.

Looking back at Didi, Penny wanted to shake her. "Don't dare underestimate yourself. Don't you see how much value you have? You're beautiful. You're intelligent. You're funny. Any man would be lucky to have you, just as this lab is blessed to have you on staff. But hearing that from me or anyone else will never be enough. You have to accept it in your gut. You have to believe in yourself."

Penny reached for a notebook and plopped it down on the counter beside her friend. "I want you to stop what you're doing and list every single one of your accomplishments. Then I want you to write down your shortcomings. I guarantee the balance will be all in your favor and it will be right there in black and white for you to study every time you start doubting yourself. You won't need any man's approval."

When she was finished, Didi regarded her curiously. "Was that little speech meant for me or someone else?"

Penny grinned. "You, definitely. But I know one other person who could probably benefit from it."

"Will you tell him?"

"If I ever get the chance." She wouldn't hold her breath while waiting for the opportunity.

That weary sense of resignation didn't take into account her grandfather's determination or how quickly he could mastermind another matchmaking scheme.

It was nearly two the next morning when the phone rang, jarring Sam out of a restless sleep. He knew as he reached for it that it had to be trouble. At this hour, it always was.

"Sam, is that you?"

He struggled awake. "Granddad Brandon? Is something wrong? Is Mrs. H. okay?"

"Lizzy's fine. Fit as a fiddle. Just thought I'd call to see how you're doing."

"At 2:00 a.m.?"

"Oh," he said without the slightest hint of apology. "I guess I didn't realize how late it was. The time difference always fouls me up."

Sam wasn't buying this vague act for a minute. "What's really on your mind?"

"Mrs. Farnsworth says that boy, Randy, needs a place to stay. Think I should let him move into the house?"

"That's up to you. I think I can guarantee he won't walk off with the silver, if that's worrying you."

"I already gave away the best silver. Your sister was absconding with it piece by piece, first for this holiday, then for that. I finally told her to finish off the set. Anyway, you think this boy'd benefit from being in that house with just Mrs. Farnsworth to look after him?"

"She'd be more family than he's ever had before. If she's willing, I think it would be great."

"I'll give her the go-ahead, then."

"Good. Was there anything else?"

"I wasn't going to mention it," Brandon said, "but..."

Here it comes, Sam thought.

"I'm a little worried about Penny," he said.

Sam sighed. "Don't start with this again."

"No, really. I'm serious. She's planning to drop out of graduate school and leave that job she wanted so badly to move back to California. Why would she want to do that? Getting to Boston meant everything to her. She couldn't wait to get into Harvard. And that job of hers, well, it was a dream come true."

"She's leaving?" Sam said dully, his head beginning to throb. "When?"

"By the end of the week is what she told me the other night."

He snapped fully awake at that. "You mean, Friday? That's the day after tomorrow," he said, astonished by the hastiness of her decision and the speed with which she intended to carry it out.

What the hell was she thinking of? he thought angrily. She couldn't throw out all of her years of work, all of her dreams just because of some ridiculous infatuation she thought she had with him. She'd find somebody else. For that matter, from what he'd seen the other night, she already had. So why would she leave now?

"Did she say why she was going?" he asked cautiously, not sure he wanted to hear the answer. Since Brandon Halloran hadn't started the conversation by cussing him out, Penny apparently hadn't mentioned him among her reasons for packing up and running away.

"Nothing that made a bit of sense," Brandon said vaguely. "I thought maybe you could talk to her, find out what's really going on in that head of hers. She can be downright impulsive sometimes. Maybe you can try to make her see how much she'll regret this."

Though Brandon's evasiveness should have alarmed him, it didn't seem to matter. All that mattered was this gut-deep sense of dread and outrage washing through him.

"Oh, I'll talk to her, all right," Sam said decisively. "She'll move back to California over my dead body."

"I knew I could count on you," Brandon said.

Sam wasn't so incensed by Penny's plans that he missed the smug note in Brandon's voice. Okay, so maybe the old man was scheming again, but he was right to get Sam involved this time. He might very well be the only person on the face of the earth who could make Penny see what a terrible mistake she was making.

He debated waiting until morning to confront her, but decided he'd never sleep another wink, anyway. Besides, he wanted to talk to her while he was still furious. This was one time he didn't intend to give her an inch.

He dragged on his clothes, considered shaving, then dismissed the idea. He doubted she'd notice. It took him considerably less time than the speed limit allowed to get to her apartment. By the time he climbed the stairs, he was ready to wring her neck. He leaned on the buzzer, while pounding on the door.

It took at least five minutes for her to open it. Since she looked wide-awake, he guessed it was because she couldn't decide whether or not to let him in.

"Have you lost your mind? It's nearly three in the morning," she told him without stepping aside to let him in.

"Your state of mind is the problem. I just spoke to Granddad Brandon. He told me what you're planning to do and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit by and let it happen."

He bulldozed his way past her and moved to the middle of the living room. "Shut the door."

Her eyes blazed with quick anger. "Excuse me, but this is still my apartment."

He shrugged. "Leave it open, then, and let the neighbors hear everything I have to say. One of them will probably call the cops. Who knows, maybe even Ryan and Jake will be on duty. They'd get a real charge out of getting involved in another one of our little family squabbles."

She closed the door, but she still didn't budge. Sam glanced around the living room for some signs of packing. There were stacks of stuff all over the place, but no boxes. Maybe she just hadn't picked them up yet. Hell, maybe she had a mover coming to pack for her.

"I ought to shake you," he said, glaring at her.

"Exactly what sin am I supposed to have committed now?"

"How long did you dream about going to Harvard?"

"From the time I was sixteen," she said, looking puzzled. "What has that got to do with anything?"

"And what about your job? Do you still like it?"

"I love it."

"Then what the hell is wrong with you? You can't throw it all away and go running back to California just because things haven't worked out for you and me." He walked over to her and put his hands on her shoulders. His voice dropped as he gazed into her startled eyes. "Please, don't make me feel responsible for you giving up your dream."

Penny understood the words. She even understood the vague alarm she thought she detected in his voice. What didn't make sense was why he would be trying to prevent her from doing something she'd never voiced any intention of doing. More important even than that, though, was the genuine dismay evident in his eyes.

Impulsively she reached up and touched his cheek. A shudder swept through him. She could feel it. Suddenly she sensed that they were standing on the edge of a precipice. What she did or said now could make all the difference to their future. Knowing that almost panicked her. She forced herself to go slowly.

"What is this all about?" she asked quietly.

"I don't want you to move back to California."

"Why?"

"Because it would be wrong for you. This is where you belong."

Oh, Sam,
she thought miserably.
Why can't you just come out and say it?

"Why do I belong here?" she asked, determined to make him face what was really upsetting him. However this misunderstanding had begun--and she thought she detected her grandfather's fine hand at work--she intended to make the most of it.

"I grew up in California," she pointed out. "My family's there. Why shouldn't I go back?"

"Now?" he said, clearly exasperated. He shoved his hand through his already mussed hair. "When you're just getting started? Running makes you a coward. Isn't that what you accused me of being?"

"Maybe I had a good teacher," she replied, looking into his eyes. "One of the best, in fact. What's your point?"

"My point is that you belong here." Blue eyes that had turned dark with misery clashed with hers. "Don't go," he said softly.

"Why should I stay here?" she persisted. "Give me one good reason, Sam. Just one."

He looked tormented. He turned away from her, walked to the window and stared outside for what seemed an eternity. Penny ached for him.

With his back still to her, he finally said, "I don't think I could stand it if you left."

Penny's heart thumped unsteadily. She wanted to go to him, to take him in her arms and promise never to leave, but she forced herself to stay where she was.

"Why?" she asked again, knowing she sounded like a child intent on discovering why the sky was blue, the grass green, the stars shiny.

A dry chuckle seemed to be wrenched from him. "You're going to force the words out of me, aren't you?"

"You're asking me to stay in Boston. I think I deserve to know exactly why that matters to you."

"Your dreams are here," he said, turning back to her.

She nodded, allowing herself the beginnings of a smile. "Yes, they are."

"Do those dreams still include me?" The words seemed to have been wrenched from somewhere deep inside him.

"They always have," she admitted. "From the day I met you."

"Then stay," he asked again.

"Why?"

"Because..." He met her gaze, swallowed hard, then tried again. "Because I love you and I want you here with me."

Penny closed her eyes, thrilling to the sensation that those hard-won words sent washing through her. Tears tracked down her cheeks.