A Twist of Fate (20 page)

“I was tidying
up his apartment when I found a receipt for a restaurant. I didn’t
recognise it. We hadn’t eaten there and the name didn’t ring any
bells. I looked at the time stamp, 4am. In my gut I knew, I knew
this wasn’t right but I refused to believe it. He loved me; there
must be some kind of explanation. I hid the receipt in my bag and
when I got home I called the number... What kind of restaurant
operates at 4am? It was a brothel. He had cheated on me with a
prostitute. A prostitute Matt, a fucking prostitute. I did anything
he wanted sexually, I didn’t understand. Why? Why did he cheat on
me? He said he loved me.” I squeaked, my voice barely audible.

Matt stared at
me, his mouth open; almost speechless. “What did you do?” he
winced.

“I called him,
asked him to explain, he admitted to me what he’d done. I wanted to
tell him we were through, that it was a deal breaker. I was so
devastated; he had been my world for so long. He admitted to
visiting the brothel but said he was “Just talking” to the
prostitute, because I was so inattentive. He said he had no choice;
I had driven him to it. If I wasn’t so distant, so self-engrossed I
would have been more available to him. He wouldn’t have needed to
seek someone else. The worst part was, I bought it... I believed
him. I stayed with him for another 3 months. 3 more months, I let
him torment me, cheat on me, break me, blame me until I was
literally devoid of any feeling at all, numb. Then when I was no
longer able to fight him anymore, he left.” I stared blankly into
the distance, remembering how alone and broken I had been.

“Oh my God
Lexi, I am so sorry. I am so sorry” Matt kissed my face tenderly.
“What kind of monster does that? No wonder you don’t want a
relationship. Fuck Lexi... that was fucked up, he was fucked up.
You know that right? HE was fucked up, not you - it wasn’t your
fault.” His eyes pleaded for me to believe him.

“I allowed
myself to slip down the rabbit hole Matt, I allowed myself to not
be important, to not matter. I take ownership of that. But yes I
know it was a game, I know it was HIS doing. I just can’t take that
risk; I can’t take a chance of giving myself again and possibly
slipping down that hole once more. It hurt too much, I won’t allow
it to happen.” My voice trailed off. Now he knew. When we started
our friendship I had told him how fucked up I was, but now he
knew.

“Lexi, you know
we aren’t all like that right? That was one major asshole but we
aren’t ALL like that,” his voice was insistently urgent.

“I know Matt,
but I just made a choice for me. That I would be my first priority,
seeing no one else was going to do that for me. I needed to. It’s
worked out fine until this point. Most guys are fine with sex with
no strings, sure a couple think that I’m a challenge and try the
“let’s date” line but for the most part what I do is safe, it’s
secure, there is no risk” I reasoned.

“But Lexi,
there are so many things you are missing out on, what real
relationships are like- supportive, loving... God I don’t even know
where to start. What he did to you, it wasn’t right Lexi, and no
one should ever be subjected to that. It wasn’t love, it wasn’t a
relationship. It was control,” he growled, his eyes enraged. “Lexi,
I think you need to tell Alex...”

“NO!” I
snarled, “There is no fucking way, I can’t believe I told you. I am
NOT telling Alex.”

“Lexi, he is
obviously interested in more than just sex,” he retorted. “He has
to know why you are the way you are. So he can understand. He will
understand, Lex. He will see why you are keeping your distance. He
needs to know.”

“No! It’s
probably over anyway. Either way, I’m not telling him,” I confirmed
decidedly.

“Lexi, don’t
tell me it’s just sex, you know you can’t lie to me. Don’t tell me
you don’t feel something for him. He clearly has feelings for you
or he wouldn’t have turned up here today. What the fuck is he even
doing in town anyway? Shouldn’t he be miles away? You have been so
happy the last few weeks and I know he’s the reason, don’t throw it
away because of fear, Lex... Don’t let something good end because
of a psychopathic asshole who never deserved you.” He warned. “God,
I want to find this motherfucker and seriously fuck him up.” My
heart warmed at the thought of my friend defending me.

“Matt, it was a
long time ago. Look at me, I got through it. I am a stronger
person, he isn’t relevant anymore” I muttered.

“Lexi, no one
is denying how amazing you are, but you need to know it’s ok to let
someone in.” He embraced me tighter.

“I have you,
don’t I?” I winked.

“Yeah, of
course you have me but this Alex guy, you should give him a chance.
Lex, you should allow yourself the chance as well.” He soothed.

“I don’t know
Matt, I just don’t know.” I breathed out and shut the conversation
down. “No more talking! I’m freezing and I promised you lunch. I’m
leaving in a few days and I’ll be damned if the last time we spend
together is me crying naked on my floor!”

I lifted myself
up and pushed Matt out of my door, finding solace in my now empty
room. I was going to shake myself from this mood if it was the last
thing I did. Alex’s awkward departure still left a bitter taste in
my mouth and I wasn’t sure how I was feeling. Was I hurt that he
thought I was sleeping around or was I scared that he seemed to
want more commitment? What did I want? Was it really just sex with
no strings? Maybe there was more? I sat on the edge of my bed as I
contemplated, really searched for what my true, inner voice was
trying to say.

Lexi, you are
falling in love with him. It was never just sex.

NO! It can’t
be. I’ve been so careful. This is not what I signed up for. It’s
probably over now anyway, I saw the hurt in his eyes when he left.
He wants what I can’t give him and let’s face it; he wasn’t a man
exactly “short” on options. He could have his pick of virtually any
woman, someone who’d fall all over themselves to please him, who’d
be emotionally available too. It’s for the best- it has to be. I
have to move on; I have to suck it up. I just need to find a nice
piece of ass to distract me until this emotion (whatever it is)
passes. I was startled from my train of thought by the buzz of my
phone.

- Lexi, I’m sorry. I
want to see you. I need to see you. No labels, just us - Alex
xx

- Alex, I think we
both have to agree this isn’t working out. Maybe it’s best if we
just left it here. It’s been fun but I know you want more than I
can give you. I don’t think you understand. I’m just not THAT
person. I’m sorry. Lexi xx

- No! I won’t lose you
Lexi! I can’t! We will work this out. I won’t pressure you to sleep
over anymore. Your terms, whatever they are, will be met. I don’t
walk away from something I want because it’s too much work- I am
not THAT person.

- Just walk away Alex.
Lexi xx

Why wouldn’t he
just give up? Was he a masochist? Why was this that important to
him?

“Lexi?” Matt’s
voice snapped me away from my phone.

“Just a
minute,” I called as I quickly threw on jeans and a t-shirt,
quietly relieved he hadn’t texted back. I examined my reflection,
“Ugghhhh... you will do” and walked out into the lounge room.

There sat Matt
sharing a beer and what looked to be a relaxed conversation with
none other than Alex. My heart jumped up into my throat as I
struggled to breathe. I grabbed onto the wall to steady myself from
the shock. I watched the two men intently as they turned to face
me. Matt stood up and took a step toward me.

“Don’t be
pissed Lex,” he warned. “I invited him in.”

“Why would you
do that?” I snapped before facing Alex. “Why won’t you just leave?”
My voice mixed with anger and agitation. Matt took another step
closer in an attempt to block my path to Alex; I think he actually
believed I was going to take a swing.

“Because we’re
not done yet,” Alex snapped back at me stepping closer toward me,
not the slightest bit concerned with the possibility of being on
the receiving end of a blow.

“Everyone needs
to calm the hell down,” Matt breathed, his body a barrier between
the two of us.

“Let me say my
piece and then I will walk away, no questions asked,” Alex
reaffirmed without hesitation. His voice softened as his clear blue
eyes locked onto mine. “I will walk away Lexi, if that’s what you
want.”

“Fine, you have
5 minutes, make it count” I shot back, not wanting to sound cruel
but unable to help the venomous tone that spilled from my lips.

Matt shifted
his weight and turned on his heel to face me. I knew he was only
trying to help but my irritation had now extended to him as he
looked at me. “Tell him” he mouthed before stepping aside. “I trust
you both can keep this civil?” He asked as he cast glances at both
Alex and I.

“You have my
word,” Alex responded calmly, his gaze remained locked on me.

“Ok then, I’ll
be outside.” Matt explained before stepping out the door to give us
time and space to “talk”.

Alex moved in
closer. “Lexi,” he breathed, tension radiating from his eyes, “I
meant what I said earlier, I will not push you for something you
don’t want to give me. But you have to admit, we have something
here. I know you can feel it. I can’t walk away from it. I can’t
walk away from you. Whatever it is that you feel you’re not, it
doesn’t matter to me. I only want what you are. Do you understand?
I want you in whatever capacity you are willing to give yourself to
me.” He took another step closer so that there was very little
space between our bodies; I felt the zap of electricity as his hand
grazed my arm. He winced as I took a step back.

“Lexi...” he
purred as he cocked his head to the side, his eyes filled with
confusion “Talk to me, I’m not a mind reader.” I felt my chest
constrict as I shook my head. How could I tell him that I
desperately wanted to be with him, that every minute I spent with
him it was like breathing pure oxygen but I knew that I could never
give myself entirely to him? I knew that no matter what he was
saying to me now, he would eventually tire of my “unavailability”
and he would seek comfort elsewhere. How could I tell him I would
never be able to trust him, or myself for that matter, and that the
thought of saying or hearing the words “I LOVE YOU” made me want to
throw up?

I took a deep
breath and tried to regulate my breathing. There was only one
resolution to this mess; I would have to let him go. “You
misunderstood Alex, this was just sex. There is nothing here. I’m
sorry but I feel nothing for you.” I met his gaze and struggled to
force the lie out of my mouth, but I didn’t flinch. I couldn’t
flinch. I had to do this, if I cared about him, I had to let him
go. His eyes swelled with hurt as he searched to read mine.

“You don’t mean
that. I know you don’t mean that,” he argued, his brow furrowed as
he pressed his mouth into a thin line.

“I’m sorry
Alex... I didn’t mean to mislead you. It wasn’t my intention to
take it this far. I thought we were just having fun. I’m sorry” I
could no longer face him, his face contorted as if I’d delivered a
physical blow. I hated watching the pain I knew I was responsible
for inflicting, but this was a small price to pay to save us both
even greater pain later down the track. I was doing him a favour.
He would forget about this, about me and move on. I turned away
from him, feeling my voice starting to falter and my resolve
waning.

“Just go Alex,”
I insisted “there is nothing here for you.” I struggled to keep my
tears at bay. I felt him take a step toward me before backing off
and letting out a deep sigh.

“Ok Lexi. Good
bye,” he whispered and then I heard his footsteps walk out the
door.

As much as I
hadn’t wanted to do, my last few days in Melbourne were spent
mourning. Matt had come back in after my chat with Alex to find me
still and withdrawn. I had not reacted how I’d expected, I honestly
thought I would have been ok with moving on, but deep down my heart
was aching. I longed for our closeness, for our connection. I
desperately wanted to hear his voice or read his flirty text
messages, but they didn’t come. It was over. Matt had tried to
convince me to call him and talk to him but I explained that it was
easier this way. I knew he had probably jumped the next flight to
New York the minute he set foot outside my door. I wasn’t going to
toy with his emotions any more than I already had.

“Lexi, how the
hell are you going to work with Alex now?” Matt tried to help me
sort through my mess of thoughts.

“I’ll do what I
always do - push through it. My job is the one thing that I know I
am good at. I’ve worked too hard to let my own stupidity to ruin
this amazing chance. I will find a way to work through this, to see
Alex, to do my job and for it not to hurt.” The last bit I wasn’t
so sure of but I would work on it.

Matt and I had
spent every last minute together, as if trying to absorb each other
before my extended absence. I had completely opened up to Matt and
while he knew how I’d fallen for Alex, he didn’t understand why I
gave him up but he supported my decision. I craved Alex’s touch so
much and having Matt there softened the blow. He had driven me to
the airport the day I left and we shared a teary goodbye. I was
going to miss him.

Arrivals on
Flight VX406 please proceed to baggage claim at carousel 10 in
Terminal 4. Please do not leave your luggage unattended at any
time. Thank you and welcome to Kennedy Airport.

A loud, brash
American voice boomed from a speaker above my head. My flight had
been extremely pleasant but uneventful. Chris had organised first
class tickets and even though I had flown first class before, it
never got old. I still loved the little perks, the extra room and
the extra attentiveness of the flight crew.