A Tragic Heart (34 page)

When I finally make it to the hospital, doctors surround me, and then I pass out. My body isn’t capable of handling anything at the moment, so it involuntarily shuts down.

***

I open my eyes and Peyton is standing next to me. It was all a dream…thank God. I slowly sit up and tears fall from my eyes. I jump up and hug him tightly. It feels like magic to be in his arms again.


“Hey, babe, why are you crying? I wasn’t gone that long,” he says in a light voice that’s full of worry.


“Mason came over and told me that you were gone---forever. He says you died in a car accident. Peyton, don’t ever leave me!” I hold onto him tighter and cry harder.


“It was only a dream; I told you I would never leave you. I’m always here for you,” his voice is sweet but strong.


I lift my head from his shoulder and look into his beautiful, green eyes. I have never been so thankful to stare into his eyes. I kiss him passionately just to make sure this is real; and it is. His body is hard and cold; probably because he just came in from the pouring rain.


We’re chest to chest, but I can’t feel the rhythm of his heartbeat. I remain silent and search for it, but it’s not there. He still has his jacket on. Maybe that makes it hard to feel it.


“Your heart, it’s racing,” he tells me, placing his hand on my chest.


“And yours isn’t,” I say.


“But it is. I don’t need my own heartbeat—I have yours. We share a heart, remember?”


His comment scares me. I just look at him, confused, and touch his face. His skin is like ice. He doesn’t say a word. He places his hand over mine, and my hand goes numb.


“Peyton—”is all I can get out.


“Taylor, I can’t stay any longer, but I’m not leaving you, either. I’m always here for you. I’m sorry our time was cut short, but it’s fine. You just continue to live like I’ve always told you to and help save the world. You’re going to make a difference someday and you don’t need me there to do it. I’m happy and I’m okay with this. I went after my dreams and I caught them, but that isn’t the best part. You are. You taught me love and that’s more than anyone can ever ask for. I will forever love you and I know you will always love me. But I need you to do me a favor. I need you to fall in love again. I need you to be happy, because I am, and we both deserve happiness. I need you to get married and start a family and I need you to keep this promise.” Tears are falling from his eyes as well as mine.


“Peyton, I can’t promise you that—I just can’t!” I say, crying and breaking apart.


“Maybe not now, but when you find the strength—please do so.” His voice is beginning to break.


How can he be happy if he’s crying with me?


“Please don’t go!” I beg helplessly.


“I have to. I’m sorry. I love you forever and always, Taylor Caldwell Giordano,” he says, trying to smile through his pain.


I’ve never seen Peyton cry before; but now I know it is heartbreaking to watch.


“I love you forever and always, Peyton Giordano,” I whisper, smiling through
my pain as I intertwine my fingers with his.


“Tell Mason to take good care of you,” he says, like a father protecting his daughter.


“I will,” I vow.


“Oh, and Taylor? I don’t want to see you anytime soon. I will someday—just not now.” He begins walking away, and I cry pitifully.


He disappears into the shadows. I hold my heart and cry. It’s real. Peyton is gone, and I’m never going to hold him again. My entire body hurts. I can’t move. I’ve lost the one person who was able to change my life completely. God, why?


***

I quickly sit up, in shock. I look around and see that I’m in a hospital room. Mason walk over to me and tries to calm me down. I hold his hand tightly and start breathing regularly again.

“Was it a dream?” I ask, hopeful.

He just looks at me with sorrow on his face and quietly tells me no. It was all real and I can’t do anything about it. I hug Mason and cry in his arms. He’s trying to be strong for me, but I feel him cracking up inside. Peyton was his best friend and his cousin; he’s hurting just as much as I am. Mason grew up with him and now he has to accept the reality that Peyton is gone forever; and it happened in the blink of an eye. All I can think is, Why did he have to go out? Why couldn’t he just stay home?
One moment changed many people’s lives forever
.

Mason

T
aylor is distraught and weak; and for that reason, I am forced to be strong. I know I can’t be what Peyton was to her, but I have to be her protector for the time being. The doctors release her after a few hours, since there really isn’t anything wrong with her physically. Emotionally and mentally, though, she is a mess. I help her into the car. I call Kate and make an appointment for her later on in the day. I tell Kate what happened and I can tell by her voice that she’s upset, too. Peyton was one of her patients, and they were pretty close. He has no idea how many lives he has broken by leaving this way. I also call Jackson and Adalyn, and as soon as they receive the news, they buy plane tickets straight to Arizona. From what I heard, his entire band is taking it hard. I have to deliver the news to John and Riley, Peyton’s old boxing buddies. I hate being the messenger of death, but somebody has to do it. The one person I can’t tell is his dad, so I leave that job to my father.

My heart is hurting but I can’t let that bother me. The drive to the place Taylor used to call home is torturous and silent. I think about all the months I wasted being angry with Peyton; or at least pretending I was angry with Peyton. I could have filled those months with good times, but now instead of good memories, all I have is regret. Time can’t go back; it can only move forward. That tears me apart slowly from the inside.

I start remembering Peyton and me as little kids running around and playing. I remember the times we fought and all the other irreplaceable moments. They are gone forever, and we’ll never get the
chance to have new ones ever again. My eyes begin to sting as tears start forming. I can’t cry; not with Taylor sitting next to me, at least.

It feels like I lost more than a best friend and a family member. I didn’t know I could ever feel this way; feel this hurt. It’s a feeling I know I’ll never get used to, but I know I have to somehow and someday.

My parents are extremely broken; especially my dad. Peyton was more like his second son than a nephew. Dad lost his little sister and her son less than four years apart.
I lost an aunt and a brother
.

I park my car in front of Peyton’s old place.
It wasn’t his old place just a few hours ago
. A few hours ago, he was alive and he still lived here. Taylor holds onto me, not wanting to go inside knowing that Peyton won’t be there. I can’t blame her; I don’t want to go in either. I won’t allow her to stay here alone; she’s just going in to pack some things. She can stay with me until she’s capable of coming back.

We get into the elevator and push the button engraved with the number eleven. It gets harder with each second that passes. The elevator doors slowly open, and time begins to stop, little by little. I take out the key that Peyton gave me—the key that Taylor forced me to keep—and unlock the door. The door opens, and the atmosphere is noticeably different.
Nothing feels right; nothing feels the same
.

“Just go and pack a few things. You’ll be staying with me for a while,” I tell Taylor, knowing the hurt is audible in my voice.

She doesn’t answer. She just walks to their bedroom. I hate to see her in this condition; I hate to be in this condition. I hate everything about this day. The sun isn’t shining brightly enough, the sky is a dull blue, the air isn’t so fresh, and no one seems to smile. Peyton really did make a big difference in the world.

I just sit on the living room couch and stare blankly at the floor. Looking up is too hard. Have you ever been so hurt that you felt numb? Well, that’s how I feel right now. I can’t cry; I can’t feel; I can’t think; I literally am broken.

I notice Taylor is taking a long time so, I walk back there to see how she’s doing. I find her lying on the bed crying, holding a recent picture. In it, Peyton is kissing her. I let her cry and just pack her things for her. She needs some time to let it all out. The only thing I can think is, Why would God let this happen? He knew how much she loved him; how much he meant to her. Why would he take him away from her? Why now? Why ever?

After I pack her bags, I manage to pick her up and carry her things at the same time. I know she won’t get up and walk away on her own, so I have to help her. I could’ve just put the bags in the car and then come back to get her, or vice versa, but I don’t want to let her out of my sight.

As soon as we get to my apartment, I place an already sleeping Taylor on my bed. She’s exhausted and she has a therapy appointment with Kate in a few hours. I can’t sleep, so I sit in the living room and take out my phone. I browse through my contacts, searching for Jackson’s number, but somehow I pass it and end up on Peyton’s name. I just stare at the phone for a few seconds and then push the call button. I know he won’t answer; I just need to hear his voice again.

“Hey, you reached Peyton, I’m not able to take your call right now—so you know what to do!”

“Hey, Peyton, I was just calling to hear your voice one last time. I’m going to miss you. I already do miss you. I just want to tell you that I’m sorry I wasted so much time with you and I wish we could do it all over again. I’d give anything to do it all over again. I’ll take care of Taylor for you. I know you’ll want me to. Well, your voice mail is probably going to cut off on me soon, so have fun with your mom for me. I love you, man.”

I hang up the phone with a huge lump in my throat. I never told Peyton that I loved him while he was here, and that’s a huge mistake we all make. We never tell people how much we love them or how much they mean to us until they’re gone for good. I don’t care if I sound soft. Peyton was my brother, my cousin, and my best friend; and I miss him.

I went on to find Jackson’s number in my phone—the task I set out to do in the first place. It only rings once before he picks up.

“Is everything okay?” he asks.

Is everything okay
?
Nothing is okay
. Everything is completely obliterated and in silent chaos.

“Y-yeah…everything’s fine, for the most part. I was just seeing if you landed yet,” I say.

“Yeah, we landed a while ago. Adalyn is going to her house, and I’m on my way to your place. Taylor is there, right?”

“She’s here. She’s asleep right now.”

“Okay, I should be there in about ten minutes.” Jackson sounds tired and worn out.

He took a liking to Peyton the first time they met. They became close friends while in New York and traveling together. I guess it’s true that some people are only meant to be in your life for a season, and then they silently leave. But Peyton didn’t silently leave, he left with a bang.

Exactly ten minutes later, Jackson is at my door. He asks how I’m doing, and I reply that I’m doing as well as can be expected. He sees that I’m shattered and displaced, but he makes no further comments. I walk him to my room, where Taylor is sleeping. He just sits next to her and places his hand on her shoulder. She jumps a little and briefly gazes at him. Taylor is usually ecstatic to see Jackson, but I don’t think anything matters to her right now.

“Hey,” Jackson says softly, touching her hair.

She doesn’t answer. She just cries silently. I believe every time she wakes up, she realizes Peyton isn’t here and he will never be here; and it sends her into a deeper depression each time.

Jackson sits with her for a few more minutes.

“Did she speak to you at all today?” Jackson asks me when we’re in the living room.

“Not since the hospital,” I say, placing my head in my hands.

“You need some rest. I’ll just take Taylor to my place. I’ll be here for a while anyway. We had to cancel a few appearances, and you need some alone time.”

“No, it’s okay. She can stay here,” I say weakly.

“Peyton was your cousin; you need some time to be alone also. You can’t handle Taylor, your family, and yourself,” Jackson says, thinking logically. “You don’t have to be superman, Mason.”

I know I don’t have to be superman, but I feel like I do. Truth is, I want Taylor to stay with me so I can focus on her. That way, I won’t have the time to think about how I’m feeling. I know it’s wrong, but I need to use her as a distraction.

“You can take her, but she’s coming back here after you leave. I don’t think she should go back to her apartment until she gets better,” I say before I realize that I’m stating what’s best for Taylor to her big brother of eighteen years.

“I agree,” Jackson says. Then he goes back into the bedroom to get his little sister.

Before Jackson leaves, I inform him of Taylor’s appointment with Kate. He tells me he’ll take her at three thirty and not to worry.

In less than five minutes, I am alone. I think about Peyton and how tragic this year has been for me. In other words, I’m able to cry and throw things;
it sets me free
.

Taylor

J
ackson and I arrive at his home, which used to be my home with Mason. Everything looks different; nothing is the same. Everything is new. It really does look like a place that a musician would live in. Jackson did a great job redecorating, but I’m too consumed with other thoughts to comment on it. I collapse on the bed in the guest room. My legs are too weak to stand up any longer. I want to cry some more, but my tear ducts don’t allow me to. I think I’m all dried out. I reach into my pocket and pull out my old box cutter. I took it when Mason sent me into my bedroom alone to pack my things. I look at my forearm, which has healed pretty nicely from my previous cuts. I haven’t done this in a long time. As long as I had Peyton around, I thought I would never have to do it again. But Peyton is gone now, and I’m back to where we started.