A Tragic Heart (12 page)

“Taylor, calm down, please. The nurses are coming. You promised you wouldn’t get angry,” he says in a worried voice.

The nurses come in to calm me down and they tell Peyton that he has to leave. I’m crying and I’m not sure why. All I know is that I start fighting the nurses and try to run away. I see Peyton leave and I’m not sure if I’ll ever see him again. I’m not sure if it bothers me, either. Before I know it, a nurse comes in with a needle, and they hold me down as she sticks it into my arm. I instantly became tired and fall unconscious.

Peyton

W
hy did I tell her? I should’ve lied to her. Lying would’ve been the best option in this situation. She wasn’t well enough to hear it. I can’t believe I told her; I can’t believe I officially ended our relationship. I told her I loved her and I meant it. I will always mean it. Maybe I should just give her space—leave her be for a while. Maybe she won’t speak to me again. I sit in my car and a thousand thoughts dance around my head. I decide to drive away and just keep going until I figure something out.

I decide a bar is the answer. I have a fake ID, so it’s easy. It’s not like I need the ID, anyway. I’m friends with the bartender, and the owner lets my band play there anytime we want. I’m going to get drunk. I’m going to get drunk and then drive home, hoping to get into an accident and die. It’s the perfect plan.

Taylor

I
broke my promise to Peyton. I told him I wouldn’t get mad and I did. I told him we could still be friends and I’m not sure if we still are. I get to blame myself for this one.

I was supposed to go home tomorrow but they said they’re going to wait an extra day or so, since I had the breakdown a few hours ago. They also said they referred me to an outside counselor and psychiatrist. I won’t be able to leave unless I agree to go to one.

I also started thinking about Mason. I think he deserves a second chance. Peyton said that I never break my promises, but I already did today. I don’t want to break another by breaking that promise with Mason. I vowed “for better or for worse.” I am going to keep that promise.

I get up and ask the nurse if I can make a phone call. She says, “Of course,” and hands me the phone.

I hear him pick up.

“Hello?”

I’m silent for a few seconds.

“Hello, is anyone there?” I hear him ask.

“Hey, Mason. It’s me, Taylor.”

“Oh—hey, how have you been?”

“Okay, I guess. They said I should be coming home in a few days, so that’s good.”

There is an awkward silence.
A Tragic Heart

“I don’t think we should quit. I think we should try and fight. Can you come tomorrow so we can talk?” I ask, trying to be quiet so the nurses won’t hear.

“Y-yeah, sure. I can come. I won’t even go to school tomorrow. I’ll just come straight there,” he says, sounding hopeful and alive.

“Okay, good. See you tomorrow, then. I love you.” It feels good to say those words again.
I think
.

“I love you, too,” he says, before hanging up.

I hope I am doing the right thing.

I go back to my room and decide that since there’s nothing else to do, I should just go to sleep. I didn’t want to think anymore. I don’t want to feel anymore today. I just want it all to be over. I lie down and to my dismay, I can’t even close my eyes without a new thought appearing. I think about Peyton and his stupid confession. I think about Mason and our failing marriage. I think about Jackson and how good it felt just to hold him again. And I think about where this all began. I think about Tyler and how he left me. I blamed him and then I took it back because I knew it wasn’t his fault. Somewhere between my thoughts and tears, sleep comes, but my mind won’t rest.

***

The next day when Mason arrives, I’m not sure how I feel. I don’t know if I’m excited to see him or if I’m still angry with him. But I guess that’s normal because I really don’t know much of anything nowadays.

“Why did you change your mind?” Mason asks as soon as he sits down.

“I don’t want to break my promise to you,” I reply.

“But I broke mine to you.”

“It doesn’t matter. Two wrongs don’t make a right.” At least that’s what they say. I still haven’t figured out if it’s true or not.

“Well, I guess you’re right. So I guess this means you’re coming back to our place?” he says with a little too much satisfaction in his voice.

“Yeah, that’s exactly what it means,” I say with too little satisfaction in mine.

“So when do you get out of here?”

“Tomorrow morning. I think I need you to pick me up since I don’t have my car with me,” I say in a depressing tone.

“I can’t. I have a doctor’s appointment to go to.”

“Oh.” I look down.

“You can ask Peyton.”

Peyton
. I can’t ask Peyton; but I can’t let Mason know that. He would freak out if he found out the truth.

“He can’t. I already asked him, and he says he’s busy,” I lie while still looking down. “I guess I can ask Jackson.”

“Yeah, do that. I’ll just see you when you get home,” He says, now getting up.

“You’re not going to stay for a little while longer?” I ask with hope in my voice.

“I can’t. I have things to take care of.”

Something’s wrong, and he isn’t being honest with me. I don’t ask him what’s really going on because I think I’ve had too many doses of honesty already this week. I watch Mason walk away.

When I call after him, he turns around. “What now Taylor?” he says, exasperated.

“Oh. Nothing. It can wait,” I say, trying to force a smirk so he won’t be able to see that he hurt my feelings. He continues to walk away, and I watch. I had nothing important to tell him anyway; just that he forgot to give his loving wife a kiss good-bye, but I guess that doesn’t matter. Although, it would’ve been nice.

Mason

I
didn’t mean to be so rude to Taylor; it’s just that I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. With her being hospitalized and the baby on the way, it’s just too much for a seventeen-year-old to handle. I swear I’m going to make it all up to her. I promise; and that’s a promise that I’ll keep. She deserves much better than what I’m putting out. I don’t know what really changed her mind about leaving, but whatever it is, I have to remember to thank it. I can’t have Taylor leave—not now, not ever. I want to do something really nice for her once this is all over, and she and I learn to live with these new changes.

My cell phone rings, and I check the screen to see who’s calling. It’s
her
. I don’t want to speak to her right now. She is the reason why I’m in this mess. It was her fault; she knew I was married and she still went after me. She could decide to get an abortion, but instead she wants to keep the baby to make my life even more of a living hell. So I don’t want to speak to her. But I’ll have to eventually, and that’s what kills me.

Peyton

I
didn’t die
. I didn’t even get into an accident. But my life is still in ruins. I’m still half drunk in my apartment with a knife in my hand. I think about it. Doing what Taylor did. And I hope I would be successful at it. But instead, I just re-carved the words, “FUCK UP,” in my arm by tracing over the previous job. That’s what I am…a fuckup. I fucked up me and Taylor’s friendship by telling her that I was in love with her.
How stupid could I be
? I told my cousin’s wife that I love her. I deserve to lose her. I deserve to lose him. I wonder if she told Mason. I wonder if she will ever tell Mason. I hope not. I can’t afford to lose anyone else in my life.

I decide to take a shower because I am feeling dirty and I’m hoping to wash away whatever it is that clings to me. I close my eyes and let the hot water touch my hair and run down my face. I quickly open them because whenever I close my eyes, I see Taylor. This isn’t healthy, and I know it. I have to find a way to get her out of my head. I want to forget her like she told me to. But I’m afraid that’s just impossible.

I step out the shower, put on some boxers, only to lie in bed. Tomorrow is Friday. I am not going to school. I can’t go to school, not like this. I need at least an extra day to find a way to cope with everything that’s been going on. I close my eyes while lying on my back. I see Taylor, but I don’t want to fight it. I begin to dream about her, and it feels good.

Taylor

T
oday is the day I leave the hospital. It seems like it’s been a lifetime since I walked outside. When I called Jackson, he said he’d be here in five minutes. Five minutes isn’t fast enough. I want to leave now. I’ve been in this place far too long and I’m ready to return to my life, as depressing as it may be.

As soon as Jackson comes, I sign whatever papers need to be signed, and we’re out the door. He drives me straight to the apartment. It feels like ages since I’ve been to this place.

“Mason’s not here,” Jackson says. “You going to be okay?”

“Yeah, he had someplace to go. I’ll be fine.”

“I think I should stay with you for a while. You know, at least until he gets home.”

I can tell he’s afraid I may try something again. I can’t blame him—I wouldn’t trust me, either, after the stunt that I pulled.

“No! You can go. I’ll call you if I need anything,” I say, trying to convince him.

“Taylor—”

“Jackson, I’ll be fine. I promise.” I give him a squeeze.

“Okay. Don’t make me regret this decision, Taylor.”

“I won’t! I promise.”

I’ve decided to keep my promises lately. After I broke my promise to Peyton, I didn’t want to break anymore. I get out of the car. Jackson tells me to make sure I call him if I need anything.

I yell back, “Okay.”

The apartment is really clean.
OCD clean
. Mason tends to clean a lot when he’s nervous or upset. It’s a rare trait to find in a guy, but it’s okay with me. I walk into the bedroom and see that everything is in perfect order.
He does love me
. It shows in the tidiness of each room. I quickly get undressed, take a shower, and put on sweats and a shirt. There’s nothing to do, so I watch TV. My mind drifts off numerous times during the movie, but I guess that’s to be expected of someone who just was released from a
crazy
home.

Crazy
. I hate that word. It doesn’t describe a mental condition. It’s just a word that makes people with mental problems feel less normal than they already are. That’s another word I hate:
normal
. What is that supposed to mean, anyway? Who says what normal is? Maybe my life is normal for me. No one has the right to say what’s normal or what’s not. At least that’s how I feel. But if this is normal…I don’t want it.

I hear the front door slam. Mason is home. Either that, or someone just broke into the apartment. He walks into the bedroom without saying a word. I am afraid to speak, but I do anyway. “Hi,” I say, not taking my eyes off of him.

It takes a while for him to answer me, but he finally says, “Hi, Taylor.”

It isn’t the reaction or greeting I was hoping for, but at least he spoke.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, trying to sound caring. I have to ask, even if he gets mad.
I have to ask
. That’s what a good wife does, right?

“Nothing.”

He’s lying and I don’t like it. “Mason, I’m trying to make this work. You have to give me a little more here.”

I’m not trying to get on his nerves or anything, but I need more from him. Especially now. He sighs and sits down on the bed next to me. He kisses me softly on the lips and apologizes.

“I just had a hard day, babe. I don’t mean to take it out on you,” he says, sounding apologetic.

“It’s okay. Why did you have to go to the doctor?” I ask.

“It wasn’t for me. It was for Lauren. She had to go for a sonogram for her child and she wanted me there,” he says with a little bit of disgust in his voice.

“It’s your child, too, you know.” It burns me to say it, but it is the truth.

“What?” He’s getting annoyed.

“You said
her
child. But it’s yours also—she didn’t do it by herself,” I continue, with a shot of anger.

“Taylor, please. Not now!”

“Why not? It’s the truth! You have to face it sometime, Mason. You did it and you can’t be angry with her. You have to blame yourself also.” I feel the anger rising in both of us. “If you’d just kept it in your pants or saved it for me, you wouldn’t—
we
wouldn’t—be going through this!”

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I can’t stop. I don’t mean to start an argument. I just want him to face the truth.

“I’ve been blaming myself for a long time now, Taylor—and you know what I realized? I’m not the only one to blame in this situation,” he says with hate in his eyes.

“What are you trying to say, Mason?”

This was going to be our first full-on argument.

“You weren’t there when you should’ve been,” he says folding his arms to his chest.

“Mason, you were the one always working! Or screwing Lauren, or whatever her name is. I don’t know which one you did more honestly!” I’m officially yelling.

“Don’t do that, Taylor. Don’t act like I was the only one in the wrong here.” He’s still calm, but I see that he’s still riding anger.

“Mason, I didn’t do anything. You’re the one who cheated. You’re the one who knocked up some bimbo-cheerleading-looking slut!” I’m on a roll and I can’t stop. “Was I not enough for you, Mason? Did I not please you enough? Was that it, huh? Because whatever it was, there is no reason why you couldn’t just come to me about it!” I’m spilling my heart on the floor, and he doesn’t even try to catch it.

“That’s just it, Taylor: you didn’t do anything. You did nothing at all! I couldn’t come to you, Taylor! You know why I couldn’t come to
you? Because Peyton always had you! You were always with him. He was all you cared about. I felt like I was losing you to him and you didn’t even care. You didn’t even notice! So I had this attractive girl after me, always there when you weren’t. I tried to fight it! I honestly did—but she was there, and you were with Peyton!”

If an observer didn’t know better, they’d think we were conducting a contest to see who could yell the loudest.