A Time to Dance/A Time to Embrace (52 page)

Kade tossed his hands in the air. “It’s like a virtual girlfriend, Dad. Don’t you get it?” His tone was strained, and he glanced around as though he was searching for a way to make John understand. “No strings, no ties, no sex.” His cheeks looked hot. “Well . . . not really, anyway.”

“It’s still immoral, son. And for a lot of people it becomes an obsession.”

“Okay, then you tell me what I’m supposed to do? I’m a Christian, so I’m not allowed to have sex until I’m married—however many years away
that
is. I’m a football player, so I don’t have time for a girlfriend. And I don’t have any money, even if I did have time.” He huffed. “Don’t you get it? The Internet solves all those problems with a few clicks. It’s there whenever I feel like it. Besides, it’s better than getting some girl pregnant.”

John wanted to scream. “There’s nothing better about it.” Did Kade really think pornography was no big deal? Had the college culture so quickly undermined everything they’d taught him? “In God’s eyes pornography is every bit as wrong as illicit sex, Kade. It’s the same thing.”

“It’s
not
the same.” Kade was angry. “There’s no people involved, Dad. Just pictures.”

“Yeah.” John leaned back, his heart thudding hard within him. “Pictures of people.”

Kade was quiet. The twists in his expression eased some. “They’re getting paid for what they do. It’s their choice.”

“Listen to yourself, son. You think those women
like
making money that way? Some of them are slaves to the business, handcuffed, threatened, forced at gunpoint to do horrific things. Others are runaways, teenagers barely old enough to drive, desperate for a way to live on the streets. Some are drug users, needing that next hit so badly they’d do anything for it.” John paused, his tone softer than before. Sadder. “Is that the kind of industry you want to support?”

“The guys talk about it like it’s okay, like there’s nothing wrong with it.” Kade wrung his hands and stared at the floor of the boat again. “Most of the time . . . it seemed like they were right.”

“Of course it seemed that way.” John studied his son, willing him to understand. “That’s what the devil wants you to think. Oh, it’s just a bunch of pictures, no big deal. But pictures like that lead somewhere, Kade. Have you thought about that?”

He looked up. “What do you mean?”

“Still pictures lead to videos . . . and pretty soon, even that’s not enough.” Kade flinched, and John’s heart fell to his knees. “You’re into videos, too?”

Kade looked from one side of the lake to the other, and then at John. “Just a few times. After practice the guys sometimes get together at one of the dorms. They have a bunch of movies, and well . . .”

The boat might as well have disappeared. John felt like a drowning man, buried in a kind of water he could not escape. “It’s not long before videos aren’t enough, either. Then it becomes prostitution.”

“No!” Kade’s answer was quick. “I’ve never done that.”

“The guys?”

Kade hesitated. “A few of them . . . once or twice. Before the season started.” Sweat beaded up across Kade’s forehead. “But not me, Dad. I swear!”

The problem was worse than John had dared imagine.
Come on,
God . . . give me something profound here
. “Pornography is a lie, son.”

“A lie?” Despite Kade’s humbled tone, his expression told John he still didn’t see the severity of the problem.

“Yes, a lie. It makes women look like nothing more than sexual objects with no purpose except to please men.” John cocked his head. “That’s a lie, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“You guess?” John worked the muscles in his jaw. “Think about your sister . . . or the girls you’ve dated. How would you feel if you ran through a series of computer clicks and found
their
naked pictures on the Internet?”

“Dad!” Kade narrowed his eyes. “How can you say something like that?”

“Well . . . the girls you’re looking at belong to someone, too. They’re someone’s sister, someone’s daughter. Someone’s mother, in many cases. Someone’s future wife. Why is it okay to treat them that way?” John grabbed a quick breath. “That’s the first lie: that a woman is merely a body.”

Kade looked up. Was he listening more closely, or was John merely imagining it?

“The second lie is this: true sexual satisfaction can come from sinful behavior.” John stared at the sky for a moment. The clouds were clearing, and suddenly he knew exactly what to say. He met Kade’s eyes once more. “It might feel good to your body, but not to your soul. And it can never come without intimacy.”

“You mean like actually having sex?”

“No. Intimacy and sex are totally different things, son. Intimacy . . . is the bond that God brings about between two married people. It comes from years of commitment, of sharing and talking and working through problems. Years of getting to know that person better than anyone else in life. A physical relationship with someone like that—that’s intimacy. And anything less is a lie.”

Kade leveled his gaze at John. “You mean like you and Ms. Denton?”

It took several seconds for John to breathe again. Was it possible . . . ? Did Kade know John had nearly gotten involved with Charlene Denton? She’d taught at the school with John. For years, though they were both married, Charlene would flirt mercilessly with him. After she divorced her husband, Charlene found her way to John’s classroom often.

In the year before she moved away, Kade had walked into his father’s classroom and found him with her more than once, but always John had talked his way out of the situation. One time Kade had found them holding hands . . . John had lied and said he was praying with the woman. As wrong as that had been at the time, John always thought Kade had believed him.

At least until now.

“What about me and Ms. Denton?” John was desperate, buying time. The look on Kade’s face told John his son had doubted his father’s wrong relationship from the start.

“Come on, Dad. She was with you all the time. The guys on the team even talked about it. Ms. Denton would come out to practice and stand next to you, she hung out in your classroom . . . I’m not stupid.”

John felt like a dying man. “How come you never said anything before this?”

“You told me she was just a friend. That she needed your prayers.” Kade shrugged. “I guess I wanted to believe it.”

A breeze drifted over the lake and washed away any pretense John had left. “Everything about my friendship with Ms. Denton was wrong. It was a lie, just like pornography’s a lie.”

“So you slept with her?” Kade looked like he was about to cry.

“No.” John considered telling Kade about the two times when he and Charlene kissed. But there was no point. That was behind him now. “I did things I’m not proud of, son. But I never crossed that line.”

“So, it’s true.” Kade shook his head. His shoulders slumped forward, and John couldn’t tell whether the shadows on his face were disgust or despair. “The guys used to razz me all the time and I’d tell ’em to get lost. My parents were different. They loved each other. And now . . . all the time . . . what a joke.”

“Wait a minute, Kade. That’s not fair.”

“Yes, it is. Porn stuff isn’t the only lie. You and Mom are, too. It’s all a lie. So, what’s the point of—”

“Stop!” John leaned forward until his knees were touching Kade’s. “What your mother and I share is not a lie. We struggled, yes. And we came back together stronger than before.” He looked straight into Kade’s eyes, trying to see into his soul. “You know why we drifted apart?”

Kade said nothing, his lips tight and pinched.

“Because we forgot about being intimate. We stopped talking and sharing our hearts with each other. We let life and busy schedules rule our relationship, and because of that we almost walked away from a love that, other than God’s, is greater than any I know.” He uttered a single laugh. “No, son, what your mom and I share is as honest as anything I’ll ever have. Charlene Denton—now that was a lie. And every day I thank God for letting me recognize the fact before it was too late. For helping your mom and me remember the importance of intimacy.”

Kade straightened some, his eyebrows still knit together with doubt. “So . . . you’re fine? You and Mom?”

“We’re much better than fine. I think we love each other more now than ever before.” John took hold of Kade’s shoulder with a light grip. “But we’re worried about you.”

“I’m okay.”

“No, you’re not. If you believe the lie now, if you convince yourself that satisfaction can be found in visual unrealities, how will you ever share intimacy with a real woman?”

“That’s different.”

“You’ll meet someone one day, and she’ll want to know about you. Everything about you. If she finds out you’ve had a fascination with porn sites, my guess is she’ll drop you like a bad pass. What girl wants to measure up to those kinds of images? Besides she wouldn’t respect you, not if you see women as nothing more than objects, sex slaves.”

Kade’s expression changed. This time John was sure about it. The boy was finally listening.

“Relationships take work, son. Hours and days and years of getting close to that person. That’s real love, real intimacy. If you train your mind to believe that the work isn’t important, you’ll not only be going against every plan God has for your life . . . you’ll lose out on a chance to experience the greatest gift He’s given us. The gift of true love.”

“So you really think it’s a sin?”

“Yes.” John kept his tone calm, reasonable. “Absolutely.”

Kade looked away. “We talked about that, a few of the guys and me. They told me it wasn’t a problem because the girls agreed to have the pictures taken, and we weren’t really doing anything wrong.” Kade’s face clouded. “But inside . . . I guess I always knew it couldn’t be right.”

“And the other thing is the temptation to get involved with it again anytime you feel frustrated with the real thing.”

Kade sighed.

“The question is this—” John leaned back against the edge of the boat—“how hard will it be to stop?”

Kade squinted at a line of trees in the distance. “Hard.”

The word hit John like a rock. “Have . . . have you tried to quit before?”

“Once.” Kade looked eight years old again. “But my computer’s right there in the dorm, and . . . I don’t know . . . you get used to it.”

For the first time, John caught a glimpse of why Internet pornography was so addictive. Computers were everywhere, access to the Web as easy as finding a telephone. If a person got on those sites once and experienced pleasure, the body would cry out for more.

“There are filters you can buy. That might help.”

“Yeah. One of the guys did that. He had to get counseling, too. Maybe he and I could help each other.”

“We can get you help, son. Whatever it takes. You have to believe me that this is bad stuff. If you let it continue, it’ll destroy you.”

Kade nodded slowly. “I guess I never thought of it that way. You know, like where it could lead.”

“That time . . . when you tried to quit . . .” John let his hand fall back to his knees. “Did you ask God for help?”

“Not really. I didn’t think it’d be that hard to stop.”

“It’s something you need to walk away from, son, and never look back. Not ever.”

“I know.” Kade fidgeted, his eyes glued to his hands. “I bought a book about stopping. Before I came here. It’s in my bag.”

“A book?” Relief flooded John’s soul. “Then how come you fought me, Kade? You acted like porn sites were a good thing.”

“I guess I felt cornered. Everywhere I turn someone’s telling me it’s bad.” He looked up, and his eyes were wet. “What if . . . what if I can’t stop?”

John slid his way closer to Kade and hugged him. “You’ll stop, buddy. God’ll give you the strength.” He thought of Charlene again. “He can give you the strength to walk away from anything bad, no matter how trapped you feel.”

Kade sniffled and gripped John’s neck with the crook of his elbow. There were tears in his voice. “Pray for me, Dad. Will ya, please?”

It took a moment for the lump in John’s throat to subside.

When it did, he let his forehead fall against Kade’s, and there in the rowboat, in the middle of the lake, he prayed for his son with an intensity he’d never known before. He asked that Kade would have the strength to walk away from the seedy, sinful world of pornography. That he would find the right friendships and counseling and support to help his eyes be opened to the horror of that world. That God would erase the images captured by Kade’s mind, and replace them with a true understanding of a woman’s beauty. And that Kade would grasp the reality of real intimacy in the example John and Abby provided. That as the two of them had learned from their mistakes, so would Kade.

And in the end, that he’d be a stronger, more godly man because of it.

Ten

T
HE ANONYMOUS LETTERS WERE COMING MORE FREQUENTLY
now.

Not only did they accuse John of being a poor ethical example for the young men of Marion High, but they blatantly marked him as “a coach whose time has passed.” The administration, which at first had assured John that they were completely behind him, now was waffling.

“People are worried about the program,” Herman Lutz told him that week. “As the school’s athletic director, that concerns me. I think you can understand my position.”

Though a year ago it would have been unfathomable to think so, John now carried around the sinking feeling that before he could quit the job, he was going to be fired. That Lutz was going to let the parents bully him into a decision that would be easiest for him. John tried not to think about it. If he lasted long enough, he would resign after the season’s final whistle.

Thing was, the team’s performance had turned around.

John packed his duffle bag and headed for the team bus. They’d won their last four games and a win tonight over the hapless Bulldogs up in North County would send the Eagles to districts.

All of which meant the season wasn’t nearly over.

But that afternoon, football and fanatical parents didn’t even make the list of John’s greatest concerns. He was about to do something he hadn’t done since he’d started coaching. The boys’ athletics office was open and John stepped inside. He only had a few minutes before the bus left.